[Ash123]

She understands that you are thinking and so is she, you are not being penalized by her for being a responsible father.

[PAMD]

Well, I had a pretty nice heartfelt, face to face talk with my ex last night. It lasted 2 hours and initially it was just how are you, how have you been etc... Then it turned to the relationship. Hard to summarize but it was productive and very honest. She even revealed a totally personal "skeleton in the closet" that was bothering her and certainly played a role in her overall thinking of the relationship. It's obvious that she needs time to just reign everything in and she admitted that I was right that the relationship was the only thing that she could directly control. She felt a bit of relief, but was sad because she missed me. She's definitely confused. She's afraid to lose me, but she said she would have to live with her decision if it came to that point. I think it is clear that the "kid person" kind of was a catch-all for just feeling swamped and not needing any more stress in her life... but still a factor in her mind, just not the major one.

I maintained everything that I have said before, wanting to be with her but she needs to be comfortable and ready. I'll giver her time and space to continue thinking things over.
She mentioned that we could try a "dating relationship"... I guess that means we dial everything back considerably (like we were a new couple starting off) with less future expectation discussions. She said she's not ready to commit fully to me (move in) but doesn't want to lose me either. I left by saying that I'll give her time to think things over. She's going for an overnight away with a girlfriend tonight so she should get some quality me time. (however it is interesting to note that if she felt swamped by the relationship that this is some busy time that had I suggested it might have been received negatively)

But anyway... now what? I think in the short term I would love to be with her in the so called "dating relationship"... I'm just not positively sure that it will lead to long term happiness. I will know her feelings and we could proactively discuss though and I would be with her!
The other option is to keep letting her have her space and work things out on her own with no contact really and that can take a few weeks, 3 months, 6 months or more.
We hugged for at least 20 minutes before I left... she mentioned it reminded her of when we first started dating and had a hard time saying good bye and leaving.
So overall, pretty OK. I guess is it OK to go back to a considerably scaled back relationship and wouldn't it be that way after the NC if she decided to come back?

[macksmom]

Well good :) Sounds like things went well :)

Well it's obvious now that it is just what a lot of us suspected... she just had a lot going on in her life and was feeling overwhelmed and needed to take a step back. She might have had "cold feet" in regards to moving in together. But its clearly evident that she loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

I wouldn't take her suggestion for starting a "dating relationship" as starting back at square one... she just may simply want to imply that she isn't quite ready to move in together... or purchase a house together yet. But she wants you to know that although she isn't ready to make that step yet, she does still want to be with you.

I would express your understanding of that to her. Tell her you understand she isn't ready to make that leap yet, and you guys can wait to discuss that again when you are both ready... let her know that you don't want to lose her either, and living arrangements are just a technicality :)

I'm glad things seem to be working out :)

Good luck!

[talaniman]

I guess is it OK to go back to a considerably scaled back relationship and wouldn't it be that way after the NC if she decided to come back?

Honestly for the sake of the kids of you both, just dating would be the better plan, as the pressure to meld families is not there and you both can enjoy each other and grow together as the children grow up. It would really help as neither will be overwhelmed, and the kids can feel that they are not being forced together and mom and dad aren't just moving them aside. It will save a lot of friction for sure and you both can have a more balanced life and appreciate each other even more, by looking forward to the times you set aside for each other. I think separate households and just dating is the way to go rather than force kids into a chaotic situation right now. As things progress you can always decide what your options are later. As to NO CONTACT? Read all the threads on this relationship forum and show me how many relationships have survived no contact. Once people heal from a break up they move on. That's what no contact is all about. Committed couples take a break from each other, not break up. That's where I feel your at as the two of you are still working together, and talking and listening and GROWING and resolving your issues. That sir, looks like a relationship in the works from where I sit. Go slow.

[PAMD]

I don't know... it appears that she may be backpedaling slightly from the dating relationship idea... I hope not... Wednesday night was so wonderful!! I hope she just did not get caught up in the emotion of that evening and now that she has had some free time to think about it decided otherwise.
I tried calling her last night about the concert tickets for today that I originally bought and she mentioned that I could come along again, but she did not pick-up the phone and in the same message I asked if she wanted to meet up with me at a jazz bar I was going to later in the evening.
She replied (finally) this morning with a text message... that said I hope you enjoyed last night and that her sister gave away my ticket to another friend and that she doesn't know what time they will be back home. So I called her back and we spoke on the phone for 10 minutes about her trip with her girlfriend and I mentioned it is fine about the concert... I have plenty of things to do today. I mentioned that the same bar is having salsa dancing lessons Wed night and asked if she may want to do that with me. She said she will give it some thought, doesn't know if she could find a sitter for her son. She said she'll be in touch after the weekend and I said fine... give the dance lessons some thought and also the dating relationship thing and she just said 'yeah'... I don't think we both know where we stand... Am I pushing too hard?
It just seems that it is almost right there for the taking and I want her to just reach out and go for it!!

[talaniman]

I think you should drop the expectations of her changing her mind, and being in one house as its obviously not going to happen at this time. Better to just enjoy each other while you slowly build the relationship. Yes your pushing way to hard, and should relax, and enjoy the time you do have. Put your best foot forward and make sure she has a good time and leave the rest of that stuff rattling in your mind on the back burner. You want more than she is willing to give and are using pressure instead of charm. Adjust your attitude , dude! She is already in your corner GEEZ!

[PAMD]

OK OK OK... I'm not expecting to be in one house, I just don't know if she thinks we are doing the 'dating relationship' or not... She just brought up the idea and other than mentioning that I liked that idea... I don't know if it is concrete or not so how can I enjoy the time if I don't know if there is any? That's why I asked her about the jazz bar last night and the dance lessons Wed... I guess if I left it at that it would've been fine, but then I asked her about the 'dating relationship' and probably pooped in my own hat... I guess I just chill and let her decide when it is right or not...

[Ash123]

Life without honesty is like sex without orgasm...

It feels good for a while, but in the end you're unfulfilled. Be true and take your time.

[PAMD]

Nice analogy Ash... She certainly is no stranger to honesty then!! ;-)

[talaniman]

Way back in the day, when I was involved with dating single female with children, I thought nothing of paying for her babysitter. Not only did they have a good time on a date, they were impressed with my thoughtfulness. No big deal, because I had a great time too.

[PAMD]

I'm getting antsy and anxious... so instead of calling ex? Girlfriend, I'll post here...
Just a tough weekend with 2 of the events we had planned together happening and we didn't/couldn't do them together! You know I also had a dose of reality when (I live in a smaller community) and people are now hearing that we've broken up!! They certainly don't know the full story (like you all do! :-)) but it is tough none-the-less to hear!
I guess I'm just antsy, too, because everything seemed promising and I'm in limbo not knowing what is going on and the beach vacation we had planned is/was scheduled for this weekend and it would still be great to go if we could celebrate our 'dating relationship' in addition to her birthday! Like I mentioned before, I don't want to push too hard but the possibilities are driving me crazy!! I'm regretting my visit there Wednesday night... I guess I just need to get my head back to the thought that she is gone, but I have sooo much I would like to talk to her about (mainly non-relationship conversation) like I said she was my best friend!! AAAAGGGGGHHHH!!

[Homegirl 50]

Your kids are priority.
This lady has come to the conclusion that she does not want to do the step mmmy thing and she has every right to feel that way. You need to respect that and move on.
Concentrate on being daddy to your kids. If there is to be another woman in your life, she will come.

[ma85me]

Your children are your #1 priority so I hate to say it like this but I could understand if she was in college and didn't have any children her saying "she is not a kid person" but for heaven sakes she has her own !*!* children! So how can she be not a kid person! You need to let it go and move on to someone who will love your kids as much as you love them! Good luck mame!

[Homegirl 50]

She does not have to love your kids, or want to be their step mother. That does not make her a bad person, it tells me that she knows what she does not want and is being honest about it.
If you miss her as a friend, perhaps you two can have a platonic friendship. Otherwise, you need to let her go.

[novascotiaqt]

OK first of all she is not worthy of you if she cannot accept that you have children. She too has children. You both have extra" baggage" and that makes the whole package. If she can't give it a shot as a blended family and love your children like they were her own then you need to find someone who will! I myself have a boyfriend with three children and I accepted them from day one. I myself have no children of my own but I accept his 110%. Her having her own should be more accepting.. maybe it's the fact that her heart breaks for her own son who doesn't get the attention from his father like your kids get from you. Maybe try to show her that you too can give her son attention, maybe some one on one like father and son time may help. If it doesn't then you need to move on. Good luck

[Homegirl 50]

Women don't have to be willing to take on a man with kids anymore than a man being willing to take on a woman with kids.
Maybe she would just wants to concentrate on raising her son and when he is grown, then she will concentrate on a relationship.

[PAMD]

The silence is deafening!! I haven't heard from her and I'm getting so upset and distraught... I'm sure she is still thinking things over in her head and her son just came back from his camping trip with her parents. But, last Wed was such an emotional night and seemed to create a bit of positive momentum... Everything seemed to be what we were talking about, her needing space and not really about the kids, but yes they added to the confusion in her life. I think she was also getting 'cold feet' about getting into another relationship sort of quickly. She calls herself a 2 time loser and I think she wants to avoid some mistakes she has made in the past, rushing into a relationship. I am really only the third relationship she has had... and despite how happy she was and mentioned that "I'm marriage material" that thought, her skeleton in the closet and the kids gave her a reason to really think things over.
I had another person (her brother-in-law) come up to me and offering his condolences about the relationship at lunch today... This is really getting hard for me to take. I said "Well I haven't given up hope yet and I think she just needs some space." He kindof shrugged as to dismiss it and said if I need anything that I know where to reach him. I wonder what she gave as an explanation to her family?
I e-mailed her with just a short note asking if her son did get back from camping and if he had a good time... then after lunch I left a voice mail mentioning that I ran into the brother in law and that made me think of her and I just wanted to see if I could stop by this evening and talk after a board meeting I have.
Haven't heard back yet, but like I said before last wednesday's conversation has me in a tailspin and I really need to know definitively about the 'dating relationship' or I just got to move on and do the no contact thing because obviously the feelings between us are still strong and it's driving me crazy that we can't be together!!

[Ash123]

Ok, time for triage:

1) Call your GP and get the number of a good therapist -you need to talk this out!
2) Go on a vacation
3) embrace more time with your kids and their friends
4) get a platonic woman in your life to share some activities
5) Get a calendar and if you do not hear from her by Friday -Start a 90 day countdown.
Cross off days and enter your emotions if you need - and make it to 90.

GO!

[PAMD]

Well, I feel like the Phantom of the Opera... It's over now, the music of the night:( (I've seen it way too many times and we saw it together in Vegas) But that's the sad fact... I gave it my all, I did not beg or plead and tried to follow Ash's 10 step program but the relationship is over... Surprisingly I feel OK now because there are no delusions of 'dating relationships' and I can move on and start feeling good again! She thought the whole dating relationship would be too fuzzy... (I mean I agree but having some of her is better than none, but she originally brought it up)
She seems content in her life now, with her job and house and everything. She's actually thinking about applying for a higher position in the company(which I suggested when she first started) and going back to school to complete her 4 yr degree! Certainly trying to keep herself busy! I guess the perceived stress of my kids was truly insurmantable and even though she loves me, she feels at a better place now. Still hard to accept though...
I believe her past relationships, too, have played a factor in this situation. Her final words were "we'll see what happens"...
Anyway, hopefully now I will be able to focus on the future and I can't wait for my kids to come back home in 1 1/2 weeks!
Thank you all for your well wishes and support... it has truly been overwhelming!
Matt

[CheerU]

Absolutely hurting and absolutely not worth it...

Her birthday is at the end of the month....is it inappropriate to send a card?

Not at all I'm sure she still loves you so why not