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PAMD · Aug 2, 2007, 01:30 PM

We've been dating for 2 years and everything has been going great... we really had no arguments, we've constantly said that we were the best thing that ever happened to each other. I have 3 children, 9 year old girl, 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have joint shared custody and they live with me every other week. The children love my girlfriend. They are, however, very clingy to me and recently as our commitment to each other was growing my girlfriend mentioned that she was afraid that she could not handle being a step-parent, saying she is not a kid person. She has two children herself from 2 previous, marriages: a 19 year old daughter, who recently announced she was pregnant and just got married and moved out of the house and a son 11 who has very little, if any, contact with his father. So she has had a lot of stress on her lately and I understand that and I want to be there for her and help her through these difficult times.
We were having the best of times just at the beginning of July - mid July when we started looking at houses together and dreaming of our future together. (My kids were with their mother during this period). Then my kids came back for their time with me and we went to dinner together with my girlfriend and son and after that I noticed a change with my girlfriend. Her daughters wedding was the coming weekend so she had that on her mind. The day after the wedding I asked her what was bothering her and she mentioned that she didn't think that she could go on in the relationship because she was just annoyed/worried about my kids... they just bother her for some reason, she is a self-proclaimed, not a kid person. We do have slightly different parenting and discipline rituals but that is something that can be planned for and adjusted when we would be living together. Relationships take work and the blended family would take work as well. Anyway, I'm terribly heartbroken and she is still confused but the relationship is over. She ended it just prior to 3 fun events that we had planned, concert, ball game and beach vacation and while my kids would be with their mother, a time when everything would've been great in her world... Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does. How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

GlindaofOz · Aug 2, 2007, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by PAMD

Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does.

All the love in the world cannot turn her into a kid person. She probably saw the future and really thought about it and realized she was going to do not only you but your kids a disservice by sticking around.

Originally Posted by PAMD

How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

Not to be cruel but it clearly wasn't the best thing for her.

Would you rather she stayed with you, bought the house and was miserable every other week when the kids were around? She could have also stood up earlier on in the relationship and said I'm not a kid person when she realized you were a package deal. Personally, I'm not a kid person either and I would never date a guy who already has kids. I'm not sure why she thought she could work through it. I think that maybe you should focus all of your love and attention onto your kids and heal. I'm sure there is a wonderful lady out there that will love you and kids equally.

macksmom · Aug 2, 2007, 01:37 PM

I would definitely say that the situation with her oldest daughter has a lot to do with it. You keep saying she is "not a kid person" well unfortunately any mother has forfeited the right to say that... she has 2 kids, how can she not be a kid person? I think maybe the stress of realizing she is going to be a grandmother is getting to her as well. This is a very stressful time in her life, and she is going through a lot of new adjustments. How long have you been together? I would see if she would be willing to go out to dinner and talk about it... all... your kids, her kids, her soon to be grandbaby. See what is really going on.

GlindaofOz · Aug 2, 2007, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by macksmom

I would definately say that the situation with her oldest daughter has a lot to do with it. You keep saying she is "not a kid person" well unfortunately any mother has forfeited the right to say that...on.

I don't really agree with that.

My mom is not a kid person. She says it all the time. She says me and my brother were fine because we were HER kids. She has never been able to stand other peoples kids who are not direct blood relation. I know lots of mothers who are like that.

That may also be the issue here she loves her kids and cannot stand his even if they are angels.

Tuscany · Aug 2, 2007, 01:45 PM

I agree with Glinda. My friend says that she is not a kid person. When she watches her niece and nephew for more than a few hours she has to call me to come over and play interference because she just can't take anymore. She has no children.
However, my mom's mom was not a kid person and she had 4 of her own. She did fine with them, but when it came to grandchildren or other children it was a no go. She never interacted with my sister or myself ever. She loved us, but from afar.

PAMD · Aug 2, 2007, 05:47 PM

I appreciate everyone's feedback... I think though with how strong our relationship seemed that with the appropriate blended family planning and expectations that her perceived stress could be mitigated... It's not as if all of a sudden I'm going to drop my kids on her I'm still going to be very active. Living together would also reduce a number of other stresses that was wearing on her... she was always self-employed and recently went to an 8-5 job and hates it... she has several rental properties that are requiring her attention and she needs to spend time with her 11 year old son who was finally diagnosed with ADD... I think she feels out of control and the only thing she can directly control was our relationship...

GlindaofOz · Aug 2, 2007, 05:48 PM

Originally Posted by PAMD

I appreciate everyones feedback...I think though with how strong our relationship seemed that with the appropriate blended family planning and expectations that her perceived stress could be mitigated...It's not as if all of a sudden I'm gonna drop my kids on her I'm still gonna be very active. Living together would also reduce a number of other stresses that was wearing on her...she was always self-employed and recently went to an 8-5 job and hates it...she has several rental properties that are requiring her attention and she needs to spend time with her 11 year old son who was finally diagnosed with ADD....I think she feels out of control and the only thing she can directly control was our relationship...

If that is the case I would just give her space and time. She may sort of "unwind" herself in a month or so and realize she made a mistake. In the meantime have a good time with what I'm sure are cute kids and enjoy your life.

PAMD · Aug 2, 2007, 05:59 PM

My kids are wonderful and I'm really trying... but I'm so on edge right now it's hard for me to enjoy the kids... and I'm left thinking, and it scares me, that if I didn't fight for the kids jointly that I would still be with the most wonderful, supportive, caring women that I have ever met...

GlindaofOz · Aug 2, 2007, 06:01 PM

Yeah but they are your kids. Is a women worth more then them? You are just hurting now.

PAMD · Aug 2, 2007, 06:07 PM

Absolutely hurting and absolutely not worth it...

Her birthday is at the end of the month... is it inappropriate to send a card?

GlindaofOz · Aug 2, 2007, 06:40 PM

I would send just a card and leave it at that... no call, no email nothing else just a card

PAMD · Aug 3, 2007, 06:28 AM

I'm just having a tough time and rough morning. She was always in my thoughts throughout the day and now it seems even magnified. I miss waking up with her, everything I see reminds me of her, everything I drive by brings back memories, almost every song on the radio too... I just miss her so badly and it's tough because it is nothing of my doing or our relationship. I can't stand the thought of her moving on to someone else who singularly is not as meaningful to her but does not have kids or young kids...
Tough day...
Oh, in regards to the card obviously no references to missing her or I love you's?

GlindaofOz · Aug 3, 2007, 06:31 AM

I wouldn't push anything. Just a simple hope you enjoy your special day

PAMD · Aug 3, 2007, 06:45 AM

I'm just replaying everything in my mind... when she said she was unable to continue the relationship she mentioned being friends and I stupidly said I don't know if I can because it would be too difficult for me... yet I want her back and back in my life!!
I feel bad too because I miss her 11 year old son and he definitely needs some solid male role models... Can I still arrange time with him somehow?

macksmom · Aug 3, 2007, 08:29 AM

You have to think of your reasoning for "being friends"... it may hurt you more in the end if you think "being friends" will somehow lead back to a relationship. She may take it as honestly just being friends, and it may cause you more pain if you accept being friends and she starts dating... it may totally ruin any relationship/friendship.
I would suggest just giving her some time. She may need some personal time to herself. I would tell her you open to giving her time, tell her you want to be with her, and are willing to give her some time to see if that is what she wants, and you will be there once she decides for sure. In the meantime you could bring up wanting to see her son... if that is a relationship the son misses as well. But I wouldn't push it, after all he is not your son, so its not an issue you can really have the decision in.
I would just be careful not to smother her, give her space and time... that may be all she needs.

PAMD · Aug 3, 2007, 09:03 AM

I know she needs time and I'm praying that will be beneficial for her... but how much time? A few weeks, a month, 3 months?
I must say that this relationship ending is much more difficult on me than my divorce. (It's not my first relationship since the divorce)
I'm still baffled why she would end it prior to a lot of together time that we had planned? That is really killing me... it's like she knew that she would be in a good state of mind after that and it appears she is acting on a whim... especially given the dramatic reversal in feelings...
I'm sorry, I'm probably breaking all the post relationship rules, but I have so many questions... We had such a bright future together in almost every aspect...
How can I be in touch with her without smothering her?

macksmom · Aug 3, 2007, 11:12 AM

You really can't put an "end date" on giving her time... there is no telling when she will come around... if she even does... you need to take into consideration that breaking up may have been a thought out decision on her end... she may really have decided to end it and is not confused in the least.

But with you seeming to think her decision is totally a surprise and you weren't at all expecting it... then it leads me to believe that possibly she was just overwhelmed with all she has going on, and kind of needed a break from the relationship.

My best advice would be to call her. Have you talked since the break up? I would call and ask to go out and talk... I would make it a public place, a neutral place... that way the environment is somewhat controlled and just talk. And listen! You need to listen to her feelings, what led her to that decision, and is she set in that decision or is she just wanting a break to give herself some personal time. Let her get out all she needs to get out and then go from there.

PAMD · Aug 3, 2007, 11:46 AM

I saw her the early evening that she ended the relationship... I returned her son's bicycle that was at my house and gave her the tickets to the DMB concert we were going to see Aug 11. I mentioned that I was very confused and that I would like to be there for her... I mentioned that if she had no one to go to the concert with and she wanted to she could call me and I'd go... It was awkward to say the least only lasted less than 5 minutes and as we parted she did mention that she still was "sorta" confused. I can't remember if I told her I love her or not but I'm sure I probably did.
I then sent an e-mail saying I was confused and had questions because we had such a bright future together why can't we continue a relationship/companionship? I
Know she had a lot going on in her life and that she was looking for a little control and stability and realistically our relationship was the only thing that she could directly control and that I wanted to be there for her! I then asked if she felt compelled to make a
Decision before my kids were gone for 2 weeks and we had the many fun events
Planned and she was afraid that relationship was great again?
She replied that she certainly wanted me to have answers to all my questions and should
We talk about this in person sometime or prefer to stick to the email?
I, of course, said I would love to see her but as of yet had no such meeting... end of contact. Her parents live by the pool that we are members of and I saw her car there last night. Hopefully she may have been getting helpful advice there.

LearningAsIGo · Aug 3, 2007, 11:48 AM

Its important to appreciate her honesty. It took a lot of guts for her to end things and tell you why. She did it because you're children deserve someone in their lives who can be more committed to them... and so do you.

It hurts a lot now, but she did what was best in the long run.

LearningAsIGo · Aug 3, 2007, 11:51 AM

Originally Posted by PAMD

I feel bad too because I miss her 11 year old son and he definitely needs some solid male role models...Can I still arrange time with him somehow?

That's quite generous and kind of you. If you feel that strongly, offer it to her then back away and give them both space. Take it from me, my mother dated several men with children of all ages and she tried to have relationships with all of them after the breakups. In every case, the kid was more hurt and confused so it didn't work. He's 11, he may not want to stay connected to you if his mother doesn't... he'll show her loyalty, so don't pressure him too much. :o