[trujew]

Ok, here it goes... a few weeks back I wrote how I got involved with a married man (who likes to live a polyamory lifestyle) and I was struggling with a way to break it off with him. In this guys case, he's married and was having a relationship with me too and hoping for me to eventually live with he and his wife. At any rate, I managed to break it off with him over a week ago and now feel miserable.

I know what some of you are thinking... yes, I wasn't thinking from the beginning, and that I deserve what I got. Look, I realize I've made wiser choices in life but I did finally break up with him and feel absolutely terrible. I still have profound love for him and see him in many aspects as the man for me in life.

Even though I know he does not intend on divorcing I still desire him so much. But yet I know I made the so called right decision. I just don't know how to just accept my decision and move on. Sure... I am making more out of this but the pain is real for me. I secretly think he will change (and we all know people really don't change) and he will come to me. I know also that time heals all wounds but when I say we have so much in common, I mean it!

I am in a slump and just want to share that I am glad I opened myself up to trying something new in life, but I hurt and I know someone else will come along and provide even more. I just (right now) don't want anyone else... I want him.

The other thing is since our breakup, we talk on the phone several times a day like nothing ever happened. We were only together one time since the breakup and we are trying to stay friends. Is it a good idea to try and distance myself from him? No kidding here, I really want him in my life even if it means a frienship level. But I don't know if this is realistic?

I gather there are books out there on breakups and such but does anyone know of a particular book? So that I am not searching through a gazillion self help books? At my age I should know better then to get involved in this type of relationship but is there any other advice you can give me to deal with this?

Does anyone think I was wrong for doing this? When I did break up with this guy he said I made a " unilateral decision and that I didnt even consider other alternatives". My question to you all is " what other alternatives could there be? "

Ok, the rambling is getting long here... just please tell me am I being really pathetic or what?

Apathetic, NJ

[Emland]

You are not pathetic. Good for you that you got out of something that could really mess you up later down the line. (Just scan a few of the miserable mistress' posts.) Since in this case the wife was involved makes it a little more modern, but no less stressful. A little misery now is better than a whole lot of misery later.

I would vote for distancing yourself. Staying close will only lead you back into possibly returning to that situation. I believe that it is nearly impossible for a person to have multiple love and sex partners and that everyone remains happy, fulfilled and satisfied. One or more of the partners will eventually feel short changed.

[diya]

Listen, I will not be speaking hypothetically but I know how miserable you feel... because I've recently gone through this whole drama myself and did exactly what you did, though my reasons were little different from yours in the sense that the married guy was clearly not into me but needed me as and when... I was just a fling for him... so I ended it. I felt the same way... HORRIBLE... it's not easy but u know what... it's not difficult either. And PLEASE do not assume things on friendship level... it never works... unless u want to get into the whole situation again. I finally realized if someone cannot respect your feelings and u as a whole, then at least we should respect who we are and accept that relationships are not meant forever... that's a fact... learn from it and move ahead. There is so much to do in life... than these frivolous relationships which get us nothing but hurt and delusion until we find someone who loves us more than we love them... that's very important. Sooner or later... trust me... u will find someone... because there is always ONE PERSON especially created for you... try getting some time alone for yourself... do the meditation techniques which r very calming and effective... hope that works for you... take care

[talaniman]

To help you move on leave him alone and give yourself a chance to mourn that this reationship is dead. As you feel better he may be friends later, but for now he can only remind you of, what could be......? Lookout for your own self for now without him in your lfe.

[Rajrocks]

You did a right thing and there is nothing like you are pathetic, hope for the great start and a great bachelor guy in life:)

[walg9e]

I want to know how come you weren't open to be with him and his wife if she was OK with the situation. You said he wanted you to eventually move in with him and his wife? She was cool with that? I am in love with a man who is a polyamorist. They feel like they basically have the right to love more than one person. He is in a monogamous relationship, but feels that having other intimate relationships that don't involve sex is OK and his woman is OK with it too as long as they communicate to each other and everyone involves knows about the other. So in my case, I know about her, she knows about me, and she is OK with him showing me love because they have made an agreement that as long as sex isn't involved, they can be open to have other meaningful relationships. SO although your MM is married, he feels he shouldn't have to only be in love with one person. And it's up to the couple to determine what type of other relationships they can have whether it's on a more emotional intimacy without sex, or if sex is also apart of the intimacy. In my case, my friend and his woman don't have sex with anyone else, but do have other deep emotional relationships with the opposite sex. I had to back away from him because I want more than what he is able to give me. I want to be in a sexual relationship with him. I am already emotionally connected and we have a strong bond, but the more intimate we get, the more sexual attraction I have for him. I am even willing to share him as long as her time doesn't interfere with mine, and vice versa. And so far since January, it hasn't. It's like she doesn't exist because he is always available to me when I call him. He doesn't tell me about her, when he sees her, or when he plans on seeing her, so to me she doesn't exist even though I know she does. Does that sound weird? Here's the big thing. Even if he agreed to allow himself to be in a sexual relationship with me, that doesn't mean that I have to be exclusive to him. I can also be open to a new relationship. And if I choose to be monogamous with the new person, he will understand and be happy for me. It's real crazy and confusing. You have to do some research on polyamory to really understand it. I say, talk to him and see what it is he really wants and ask yourself if you can live like that. Ask yourself: Are you happy with the love he gives you? Does his love for his wife interfere with the love he gives you? And do you get jealous of the wife and if so why? Can you work through it?

[Squirrel1]

Hi there. Just found this website. It's been 6 months since you wrote about yourself. My situation is similar to yours. How are you doing today? Did something change in your life?

[walg9e]

I'm not doing well when it comes to him. He is out of my life. At first I wanted to slow things down because I was beginning to become a bit obsessed. I wanted more than he could give even though he was slowly giving me more and more. I was impatient and couldn't live like that any more. I couldn't wonder if and when he would eventually leave his woman and I really didn't like myself for wanting that. He agreed and we slowed wayyyy down. But I was still calling him at least 3 times a week or texting him. So he decided that since I was still on an emotional rollercoaster, he wouldn 't call me for a while. A while to him is more than 3 months. So I began only texting him. He never responded, but I felt we were still connected because I knew he was reading them. Then about two months later, he called me and asked me when was the last time he called me. I told him about 2 months ago. Then I heard a woman's voice yelling in the background. Turns out it was his woman. Then he asked if our relationship was ever sexual. I slowly said no. She began yelling that he has a woman and leave him alone and stop calling, texting and leave him alone. She demanded he hang up, he didn't and that made her more angry. She told him to hang the mutha F-in phone up and he refused. Then he finally said he'd call me later and she said she knew where I lived. Four days later, I called him at work and he told me that the dynamics of their relationship changed and that there was a double standard going on and she was OK with our relationship until that dynamic change. He wouldn't elaborate about what the dynamic was, but said he would explain it in the future. I said I felt that I would be disrespecting her if I did communicate with him now and he said," How can someone allow you to be you and feel disrespected?" In other words I could still keep in contact. The next day he called to further explain things and then he told me that he had to," respectfully ask me to not call or text him anymore." She expressed her feelings about me and how she didn't want me in his life and he had to do it to save their relationship. That proved to me that he wants her in his life more than me and I should move on. I haven't talked to him since. It's been a month and a half. I feel terribly depressed and lonely. I miss him soooo much. Everyday I hope he will call or text. I feel in my heart that he will. I dream that he will tell me he wants me and he is in love with me. But I am wishful thinking. I told him once that I hope he never regrets the decisions he makes. Now I hope he does.

[talaniman]

Everyday I hope he will call or text. I feel in my heart that he will. I dream that he will tell me he wants me and he is in love with me. But I am wishful thinking. I told him once that I hope he never regrets the decisions he makes. Now I hope he does.

Get over that fantasy crap! Life is a lot more complicated than that, and honestly, its about YOU letting go, and finding your own life. Sorry, as good as a writer, of your feelings, get over it, and find your own happiness.