[SamBuzz]

I had never given her any of my personal credit cards, or bank cards... She had asked many times for me to put her name on a credit card of mine, but I've realized that wouldn't be very prudent, so it is correct I've never given her access to "my" accounts or cards. I rarely use my credit cards, I've been telling her giving her a card with a $500 limit on it, why wouldn't I just give her the $500 instead, because that's all I'd be doing as soon as it was maxed out. It makes no sense to give a credit card I am responsible for to someone who can't control cash...

But she has had plenty of chance to take something from my wallet and pants, and even my house, and I never found anything missing...

I only was interested in my name on her account, because I have allowed myself to be responsible for clearing the overdrafts, but I tired of having no visibility into the account.

Opening a new joint account, and working together to build it, hope it would help her build trust with me, use it as a teaching opportunity and hope she would learn to better manage her own account, and quit buying the bank several Red Lobster meals in overdraft fees every month... The chance to help her grow was worth the risk of a couple of hundred dollars to start the account.

Maybe the lack of chronological order to everything makes the story more difficult to follow, just the joint bank account didn't seem all that relevant before, until today's revelation from the bank.

[SamBuzz]

Here is what the question is on my mind at this point:

A) follow through with fraud report to bank (80% certain I will do this)
B) chalk it up to experience, forget about it...

As for the girl, how to exit:
1) quietly disappear, just don't answer any more texts or phone calls
2) ask for my ATM card that should have went to her, see what her reaction is, then quietly disappear
3) show her the bank statement, see what her reaction is then disappear
4) give her a bland "gee this isn't working out for me" and then go away, i.e. break it off without giving any hint about the bank thing.
5) tell her about the bank contacting me without accusing her in any way, and see what her reaction is, then figure out what to do.

I suppose if I could somehow be convinced it wasn't her with the card, I might be stupid enough to continue, I doubt any excuse as to why she was using the card would convince me to stay, but obviously part of me is very curious to see what she might come up with if I call her bluff on this... Doing that may queer the banks investigation though... Obviously its hard for me to want to be involved with seeing a criminal penalty against her for all this...

And I realized a long time ago, it is extremely futile to ask a con, "Are you conning me?" Any discussion of "here is why I think you are conning me" might only help them improve their game against the next victim.

Damn it's hard to give up the illusion that she cares/cared about me...

Again thanks in advance...

[martinizing2]

You are a very talented writer. Of Fiction. But you need to make the story more cohesive by keeping the threads in line and not contradicting each other as PP has pointed out.

It is obvious you are fairly intelligent and well educated , which makes me wonder why you think everyone is going to believe this incredible tale you weave. You can fool some of the people some of the time...

I cannot believe that anyone with any insight or the merest of intelligence would put up with 1/1000 th of the indignities and financial escapades you claim to have suffered.
If this were really happening only a masochist of the most extreme degree would allow themselves to be used, mistreated, dishonored , degraded and made a fool of as you have described.
Then , go and tell who knows how many people what a fool they are.

If by some slight chance some fraction of this is true, you need serious professional help. You have no control over your life and are letting someone who has no business controlling pet behavior run your life.

To what purpose you are doing this is a mystery.
If it is to display your talent as a writer , you have done well except the incongruities in the various accounts of the events you have offered.
If it is to see how many you can fool for how long , that is yet to be determined.

But no sane person would not see the foolishness and stupidity of continuing a relationship as you have described.

To what purpose is all this directed?

[martinizing2]

In relationship to this thread, this does not make sense coming from youhttps://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2453151

[martinizing2]

You do not practice what you preach.https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/workpl...ml#post2453133

[SamBuzz]

I don't have time to invent this as fiction. I'd rather learn the stock market, or write websites, or a zillion other things. I honestly don't see where the contradictions are in the story, except for lack of extra explanation, or disjointedness of multi-messages. I'm shocked that the whole thing has moved into the realm of the criminal, but maybe it's just petty theft that serve me right.

Perhaps like you say, its just so crazy, how could anyone let it go so far, or be so tied in a knot by it, that makes the whole story unbelievable.

I have had contact with a forensic psychologist in the past to help with some issues with an ex, and he said it dealing with me was a pleasure in that I was so normal. Unique, and independent, but normal.

Another psychologist had told me about my ex, before we divorced "Sir, this woman has long term problems that not even inpatient care can help. You need to resolve this situation and get on with your life."

I guess I've fallen in with another one of that type. I hate to give up on someone. I see a glimmer of normalcy, or good times, and I think OK maybe this stock is finally on the upswing, we'll be out of the woods and everything will be good.

Maybe the clue is that it doesn't matter whether she has any love for me as she keeps saying she does, (the possibility that keeps me continuing on), the rest is just so wacky and destructive and irredeemable, the love doesn't matter.

I guess I just got to accept there are more people out there who can't be helped in any substantial way than I realize.

Spending any more time with someone like this is getting me judged by the company I keep.

One of my best friends who has watched this play out over the past year, has never accused me of making up the story. But thanks for letting me know how unbelievable this all seems.

Marinizing, I guess your vote is for immediate no contact with no explanation, investigation, or anything with this person?

[DoulaLC]

Sam... it's like a bad soap opera. Good or bad, some people do feed on drama in their lives, even if they don't realize it. They stay in relationships because they have a need to be needed. This is not a balanced relationship... you are not her father or her teacher.

If you aren't happy with how you have been treated, and you don't see it changing, end the relationship. Make a clean exit... tell her plain and simple that you have decided to move on, then cut your losses... no drama... don't look back... move on.

If you can't make the change.. do as martinizing suggested and get some help with it.

[martinizing2]

My vote is that it is unbelievable and professional help would be in order now regardless of having consulted a forensic psychologist in the past.

[talaniman]

as for the girl, how to exit:
1) quietly disappear, just don't answer any more texts or phone calls
2) ask for my ATM card that should have went to her, see what her reaction is, then quietly disappear

No need to ask for the ATM card back, just cancel it, and get another. Then totally disappear from her life. You have allowed this behavior for long enough, so forget talking and take action.

[SamBuzz]

Truthfully you know you can get a hooker for less than your extortionater leech is asking, telling sorry!!
at least you would get something in return. and youd also know where you stand, and you would also get a bit of rumpy pumpy as well I believe.

Actually, this is probably about the worst advice possible... I realize it was probably in jest, but...

1) That is how I met her, she was one of the most reasonable priced girls out there
2) she began telling me all about her personal life, about her custody battle for her son, and I had sympathy for a mother's love for her son. I wondered at first if it was true, but I know she isn't making this up, he does exist, the situation is as she says.
3) the sex has continued, but all kinds of other baggage has made the visits way to expensive
4) I put up with the other guy because I can appreciate her trying to do whatever she thought would be best to get her son back, even if it included this living with the other guy for a while.
5) maybe now you understand that saying to me, go get a hooker, it's probably like telling a whiskey alcoholic, "Hey scotch is better!"
6) she's my third long term girlfriend (several months +) who was some kind of adult entertainment worker at the start of our relationship
7) I cried on her shoulder about how the previous girlfriend had taken advantage of me to help the her get an apartment near my job and a college to help her go to school and give me a nice home environment on the nights I stay near my work (to avoid 3 hours of communiting). Unfrotunately that was just before her "brother" in jail, turned out to be her boyfriend out of jail needing a place to stay, and me not ever staying more than one night in the apartment I had rented for us. By crying on the current girls shoulder, I gave her way too much to use against me, I set myself up as a mark, and incited a competitive possessive spirit in the current girl. Example: today she expressed jealousy of her mother asking me for $10 saying "You could have given me that money, I'm going to tell her off"

That all should give Martinizing2 plenty more grist for his fiction and professional help vote...

This gal really does seem to be out of doing that life, other than possibly with me in the role of "the last client", or at best "the man on the side", something she said she has done at least once or twice before since she has been with the guy she is living with.

She is very stubborn and extremely rebellious to anything she thinks she is being told to do. Like the other girls, she has an extremely low frustration level. Yes, she is very concerned about her looks, in looks department, she is well above most the crowd she was running with, but she is by no means elegant.

She has complained that memory of our beginning has caused her problems many times about how she thinks about me. I have kept saying to her over the last year, if we are both out of doing that life, but we find something that works between us, does where we started really matter? Yes, apparently it does, looks like its way to hard to get out of the client/provider role no matter how much we try to relabel.

And yes, I've been tested several times for every possible disease, and so has she, even every recently, and everything came up negative, I heard her test results over the phone from Kaiser just a couple of weeks ago. For the fiction and conspiracy buffs, at least I think it was a nurse at kaiser she was calling...

It's 6am, she just called me, I just failed on the allowing her to contact me score...

She is telling me about the latest custody problems with her aunt yesterday, the aunt is trying to do parental alienation against her with her son, and the son is complaining to her. She forwarded me texts from her son of things that the aunt was saying against his mom, and him saying the aunt had threatened to whoop him if he tells his mom.

"I love my earings... they are at least 3 carats, I hope someone doesn't steal them off of me.... i love them.... I didn't even show my mom and them... i was talking on a phone with a lawyer about my aunt...."

I told her that last night I ate a couple of the store bought salads she gave me yesterday to keep for a snack...

"I got you a lunch plate for you today, crab, corn, and salad, i wrapped it and everyhting... i was going to come and see you last night, but my eyes were puffy... its too much about my son, i really want to be a parent, but it is just me runnign around.... I'm getting my clothes on, so I can roll out of as soon as he (guy she lives with) gets out of here.... stay in this area one more night, please, I miss you.... i am not going to have a bad attitude at all, zip my mouth.... thank you, for everything.... i finally figured how to take off my diamond bracelet ... i cleaned it. The clasp goes on so tight, it wont slip off."

I say good thing, I'm still making payments on it, at least let me pay it off before it gets lost. She was telling me yesterday what an important symbol it is, no one can make her take it off.

"i had a very good time with you, did you have a good time... you still my nigger if you dont get no bigger, dont take that as an insult..."

I'm white, and she is black, and this is a big joke between us. I like to respond "I'm the only black guy on my floor at work"

She has said many times, back when she was lying about her living situation, that I should just relax and go with the flow... I realize, in reality, it was she who was not relaxed and keeping a secret, that caused all kinds of disfunction that seemed confusing as random behavior. I've been open with her, but she says "well thats how you do things, but thats not how I do things. you just dont say certain things until the time is right."

She is coming for me to take her to breakfast, before she and I go to work this morning...

Not one mention of the car, maybe the problems with her son have her preoccupied, we'll see how breakfast goes...

Maybe the comment about it being the drama is most on target, the relationship sure is a challenge, a whirlwind is interesting for all the stuff it rearranges...

It would not be uncommon for someone in her position to excited by the clandestine nature of our relationship, which is a danger sign for the possibility of turning it into something more permanent, once it is just she and I, then she would be bored with it. When she was in her snitty mood yesterday, she was saying something similar to that...

Without this drama, my life otherwise might be pretty boring, go to work, go to hotel, go to work, go to hotel, go bowling, go to work, go home, work at home couple of days, pretend to exercise for a few days, have weekend, go to church, go back to work, spend every spare minute studying stock market (oh yes, day trade from 6:30 until work starts every morning) repeat process...

I hate to think it is just an attraction to the drama...

[kaka67]

Wow man you love drama don't you?

Stop complaining how she treats you if your going to let her treat you like crap.

[ISneezeFunny]

... I read only the first two pages and I had to respond... but really quickly, not sure if you mentioned it, how old are you two? How old is she? Is she, by any chance, 9-ish?

I'm not sure... why you're sticking around this chick... maybe the intimacy is THAT amazing... but if some sort of a hybrid Angelina Jolie/Carmen Electra/Megan Fox being treated me like this, I would have been out of there in 34.2 seconds flat.

[talaniman]

So you have been a very good customer who pays for the attention she gives you and now you think she cares for you as you have grown to care for her.

Look John, get real, and realize your feelings have nothing to do with the business relationship, and you have fallen for the whore who provides you a service at a very high price.

She may like you as a person, and a "client", but now you want more, and it ain't happening. Recognize its you in this dumb love and not her because that's the price of doing business.

You never had a real healthy adult relationship, so stop being stupid, and pretending you do. She is living as she wants, your just to close, and too blinded by YOUR OWN FEELINGS, that you have lost sense of reality.

Leave her alone, and get it back.

[asking]

I have not read every word of this, but this is not an adult relationship. This is the kind of relationship a father with no boundaries has with a very spoiled daughter. Why are you giving her an "allowance" at all? That's for kids. Is this to pay her not to work?

As far as I can tell, you like playing daddy warbucks to her orphan annie. It's no surprise that this power imbalance leads her to manipulation and begging. You are fully complicit in this unhealthy unequal relationship.

I think you need a one year time out from dating until you figure out why you need to be "the father" in a relationship with a woman. When you have worked out your issues it might be possible for you to have a respectful, egalitarian relationship with someone outside the sex services industry. At least if you want a "normal" relationship. Not clear if you do.

Flirting with the perfume lady while buying your gf's birthday present was a petty act of betrayal that apparently gave you a lift. Not clear how often you do that, but it's not a grown up solution to your problems. It's equivalent to the kinds of things your girlfriend does.

[jmjoseph]

This has to be some MAGICAL BOOTY.

Why do you think so little of yourself as to be treated with such disregard? Are you a masochist?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

You know that this is wrong, yet you keep going back for more. WHY?

She has you buying her things, extorting when that doesn't work, and now she has stolen from you.

Go to the toilet, kneel down and place your penis on the rim, and slam the seat down on it for at least five times, hard.

If your little buddy has you getting into THESE situations, he should be punished too. And it's going to be for free this time.

I too, think that you are smart enough to know that this is a $hitty way to be treated.

If you really mattered to her, you would have been invited to the birthday party that you funded.

Move on with your life, dude.

Now I get the "Pretty Lady (Woman)" reference.

My Daddy used to tell me" if you're going to play with your butt, don't complain when your hand smells like $hit".

[martinizing2]

T

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.

Sums it up.

[SamBuzz]

Wow man you love drama dont you?

Stop complaining how she treats you if your going to let her treat you like crap.

Good point... this mornings drama included her stopping by to tell me work changed her schedule two hours earlier without telling her, so no breakfast, but she did drop off nice lunch for me, and a hug, no fights, no demand for money, nothing about a car... I can't complain today...

She told me as to the birthday money, she was excited to tell me she is spending $100 of it on a new phone for wish #1 for love, "so I have a nice phone to talk to you on during the next year." The guy already gave her a phone, but she don't like, she says it is too little, so she hasn't turned it on, she showed it to me, and it is one I would have chosen for her... She really seems to like the idea in the card of spending the money towards the three wishes.

As for allowance: I am trying to help her life be easier while she tries to get on her feet. As far as I can see, with what I give her, she has more discretionary income than I have left after what I give her. Brother agrees that my problem is that I too quickly switched to giving her an amount that should have been reserved for when she was really supporting my life as a partner, not as this other on the side game.

I use the word "budget" with her which is the grownup word for an allowance (or should we perhaps more accurately call it a "salary" if it is just a services rendered relationship?), and she hates that "B" word. She likes to call it an allowance... But its real life. Money only spends once. She's quite compulsive about her spending, I tried giving it to her in monthly chunks, but she can't handle that. Her and numbers just don't seem to mix.

Says she will find a way to see me tonight, some way to sneak out... I didn't mention the bank thing...

Without the nastiness related to the car, she's actually not all that bad to deal with...

> now she has stolen from you...

Still not sure what to do on the theft other than put it in the banks hands... I have no actual proof of anything other than someone used my card sent to her grandfathers house in an unauthorized fashion near where she works and lives. Motive and opportunity... talked to the cops this morning, it wasn't quite enough to really get their interest level up, probably only a misdemeanor, but maybe also identify theft. They were willing to take a report, but agreed it is probably best to let the bank decide what they want to do on it. And even if the cops take a report, that doesn't guarantee prosecution... Going to call the bank later when I am near a fax machine, I was told there are things they will want me to sign about not authorizing the use of the card.

[asking]

This isn't extortion. It's commerce.

Yep. Budget, allowance; it's all the same.

If you don't want to be the daddy's girl daddy for the rest of your life, learn how to have a relationship with a woman with a job, one she can continue to have even while dating you.

If you DO want to be the daddy's girl daddy, then you can't really complain about the results. And since you can afford to rent people, why not a rent a woman who is not already living with another man and taking care of his kid? Shop around a bit for a better rental instead of going for the low price that drew you to her in the first place.

[asking]

If you want boundaries, you have to set your own and live by them and within them. They aren't boundaries you set for other people; they are yours. It sounds like neither of you has any boundaries.

Plus you don't tell her what you are really thinking and feeling. What's up with that?

[SamBuzz]

Re: Budget: What other word to use for I only have so much to share without chipping away at my savings?

Is this an example of a boundary? $1000 is what I have to share with you this month. If you are a partner in helping me be more productive, great we move forward, and if not, then it ends, we go our separate ways...

Second boundary: Anything more than that, and I'm not willing to share it, unless its some kind of emergency I can verify...

Are those examples of setting boundaries for me, or someone else?

And about her living with the guy, I allowed myself to buy into the idea it was a temp arrangement she was setting up to get her son back... Unfortunately it seems more permanent than either I or her brother would have guessed.

When she is in a bad mood she is more defensive about it than would seem normal, and tells me she is not going to just live with me I want to live differently than her (cheaper furniture than the new she wants, which is nonsense to feed the argument, we can have 5 used things for the cost of 1 ikea milk crate, but hey, if she wants to spend my budget (theres that word again!) on a few high priced things instead of more things with money leftover, I'd let her make that call) but when in a good mood she asks me to get a second place closer place to my work, maybe even a studio. She's said she won't just make a leap from his place to mine, but hinted she might gradually slide from his place to mine, she was saying the other day she had boxed up some of her stuff again after an argument with him, as if ready to move... She is still very angry about him snooping through her stuff back April and early may to figure out what was going on with me and her. She complained yesterday her brother let something about me slip in front of they guy she lives with...

She tells me she treats him even worse than me. We actually sometimes get in a space where she seems aware she doesn't treat people very well, but other timess, throw it all to the wind, she's just going to treat people however and not give a FXXX she says..

So perhaps I should just be really glad I'm not locked in some unhappy lease with her. Perhaps this other guy is a blessing in disguise...

Maybe I need to really ask her again to go to counselling with me, and let a counsellor help sort things out... She came to me a few months ago and blurted out that she thought we need marriage counselling, I've asked at least a couple of times since then for us to do that or something like marriage encounter, and she has not taken me up on it.