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Jake2008 · Feb 22, 2010, 12:29 PM

Not at all Kj, your words are smart!

If more people stopped to think about whether they were in love, or infatuated, and took their time from the initial sparks flying, we'd probably have fewer divorces, and happier people.

kjsunj · Feb 22, 2010, 02:06 PM

Thanks.. I'll look for what is love and lust and infatuated.. take this time as my opportunity.. and I saw defination of love from children.. their defination of love was you can give your chocolate to someone even though you want that chocolate":D

kjsunj · Feb 24, 2010, 06:21 AM

Threads merged

Hi

I'm just wondering if I need to know my girlfriend and boyfriend past?

My answer is yes.. I wouldn't mind telling my girlfriend about my past.. because I believe that it is one of ways you can test how much they love you and trust u..

And I heard a story that one couple got married and after they got married, the wife told her husband that she has a kid with his ex.. so the husband got divorced not because of the kid but she kept it in secret..

And when I asked my ex about her past, she always said "none of ur business." but I do still believe that it is my business.. no OUR business.. u are dealing with my heart.. relationship is not game you can play in kidergarden play ground(playhouse)..

And I saw some people say, it is not good to disclose your past and your partners past.. but I don't understand.. I feel like you are just in relationship with who you don't truly know.. and if your partner cannot accept your past, that mean they cannot accept and love who you really are..

I know if you have wild past, your partner would have some trust issue but if both of them communicate openly and honestly and show that you have changed from your behave, I could be solve...

So here is my question..

WHAT DO U THINK? DO U THINK U HAVE TO DISCLOSE UR PAST WHEN U ARE IN RELATIONSHIP OR NOT? AND WHAT IS UR REASON?
WHAT IS HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE?

And I also think your past has influence on u.. which mean it has influence on your life and personality and your relationship.. so I think I need to know so I could understand my partner better..

dynocompe · Feb 24, 2010, 06:37 AM

Having a kid in your past is totally different, I do think your partner should know if you have a kid from your past. But I don't think they need to know who you dated, why you broke up, etc , etc, past is past. But something that will follow you for the rest of your life(ie. A child), that is more than just past that should be forgotten.

I think if you need to know your partners past, it shows a lot of insecurity. Your worried about there past, wondering how you compete in all of it.
There is no need

Romefalls19 · Feb 24, 2010, 06:50 AM

Don't ask, don't tell is my philosophy. I don't think it's first date material, but I do think eventually you should disclose some of your past. Amount of partners and other personal stuff like that is off limits unless I disclose it to them.

On a side note, how did her husband not know she had a kid? That's seems kind of hard to hide

amicon · Feb 24, 2010, 06:51 AM

We all come with a past and I'd say you tell a partner about the things and people that were important in your past-you don't need to go into every single detail.

racquel58 · Feb 24, 2010, 06:57 AM

I think that you don't need to know the past. I think it can bring up MORE questions and MORE issues eventually.

If someone is dodgey and has not changed, they are not likely to tell you that their relationships from the past were bad. They are more likely to say how bad their partner was or make up something or 'leave out' their information. Therefore, I think its hard to judge character from THEIR story.

What if they bagged their ex partner? Won't you be worried they will do the same to you?
What if they cheated but said they 'changed'... how will you know?
What if they said their partner cheated, so they left heartbroken?. how will you know they are over them? Particularly if you opened that box and they tell you more and talk about the ex ALL THE TIME.
What if they told you their past relationship was great but it didn't work out?. maybe you will compare yourself no end.
What if their partner just up and left, and they were heartbroken?. how do you know they don't still hold a candle?
How do you know if they were abusive?
If they cheated?
They can lie about anything!
Generally if we start a new relationship, no one in their right mind would spill EVERYTHING! Everyone has done something wrong and HOPEFULLY changed. They are not going to tell prospective partners all of that because they would send them running!

I think its best just to start fresh... of course, if you are still with the ex or you have a kid to the ex or share a house with the ex or are running away from an abusive ex then the new partner should know

kjsunj · Feb 24, 2010, 07:07 AM

I don't want to know every single detail such as what kind of position they did when they have sex.. but what I want to really know is scars on her heart.. becasue I don't want to hurt her.. you I know her past gives me insecurity like her exs but it is just for short period.. what about if she got divorced and still having depression becauseo of that?

You past is past.. but I still don't understand why there is no need to know the past? I don't want to know every detail of her life but.. I don't know what I should do and what I should learn at this time..

dynocompe · Feb 24, 2010, 07:18 AM

I wouldn't worry about her past so you know what to expect from her, but instead look at her actions today towards you to know what to expect.
If she has been divorced, I think that should be brought up. Being married before and having kids should always be brought up at least before the 3rd date in my opinion. Those are need to knows

kjsunj · Feb 24, 2010, 07:29 AM

I don't know.. the true reason of I want to know her past, when she had bad time and happy time, ONLY because I don't want to hurt her like other guys did.. NOT judging her if she was right or wrong.. she didn't get the meaning and I am sure the way I approach wasn't send true reason why I want to know.. and everyone had past and you never get over with that, it will still affect your life one way or another. Like Neyo's song "his mistake" I feel like I am the one who victim of other guys mistakes..

racquel58 · Feb 24, 2010, 07:30 AM

I don't think you need to worry about the scars on her heart. Hopefully she is a big girl that has sorted them out. Hopefully you can be confident that she will tell you and communicate with you when/ if you hurt her.

If she is so easy to hurt (which you should find outr quite soon) then perhaps she isn't ready for a relationship?

You shouldn't have to tread on egg shells!

Also, you shouldn't worry if it's that you want to be better than her ex. Just try your best and enjoy each others time and don't compare yourself to anyone!

dynocompe · Feb 24, 2010, 07:39 AM

Well honestly, doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship, sounds like you need a lot of work on yourself yet first. Seems to me that you are constantly wondering if you are making your girlfriend happy, or if she really likes you. You sound really insecure about yourself, and you need to work on yourself so that you are happy with your life and self. If you are happy with yourself, you will not need the constant reassurance that your girlfriend is happy with you. I really think this is something you have to learn to control or get over, or else you will be pushing this women away. And since she has already told you that her past is none of your business, I am pretty much certain, its not the first time you have asked her about her past, and that you are already starting to push her away

kjsunj · Feb 24, 2010, 12:00 PM

You I already pushed her away... and yes I need to learn lots of things.. even she said I'm an in experienced.. so how can I solve insecure about myself and how should I know if I am? And I think I am doing my best as much as I know but it is not much:D..

But I don't know I think I was secure man at the beginning and after I knew she snuke around.. I don't know what went to wrong and what I should learn from this

kjsunj · Feb 24, 2010, 01:38 PM

Just thinking about myself for a while.. I think she was an insecure woman also.. she kept say she is OK by herself and need to be alone.. and talked about her over weight and age and asked me if I can gain some weight because I'm skinny.. and if I am intersted in asian girls because I'm asian.. and she said she is not for relationship n don't want to marry anyone and said she would hurt me.. I somehow felt that she was scared of get hurt.. so I tried not hurting her.. and she also said don't trust me.. if I ask why she said she doesn't trust herself so how she can say trust me..

Any everyone has some issues.. I might be the insecure guy because I saw many girls and guys cheated.. so the first thing I look for girl is honesty and I'm not easy guy:D

And I kind of felt that if she felt I would dump her, she dumped me first:D

I also felt she pushed me away for some reason.. I think because it was she divorced and one of her boyfriend didn't want to show her to his family..

I think there is nothing I can do.. she needs to sort out her problem...

But I think I also have MANY issues.. and it is almost 6 day of NC.. it is hard but I want to dig this hard time so hard and see what is my issue in bottom of my heart that I didn't aware of.. but she doesn't like digging.. so painful for her.. she wants to just cover it up.. but I digged her even my intention wasn't bad but I hurt her.. I forgot when people digged my heart.. the way I approach was wrong..

Now it sounds like I am really nice and charming guy.. but please don't think.. (maybe you dont:D) because my story and her story are different.. OR maybe I am insecure guy so I defensive..

PLEASE just give your idea which will help my digging of my mind.. it sounds like now I really want to know myself.. huh..

talaniman · Feb 24, 2010, 04:31 PM

Don't be in a hurry to know what's on your mind. I am twice your age almost, and still learning, about myself.

vanheart · Feb 25, 2010, 12:17 AM

Yeah man, there's other girls.

Not recently married rebounds.

What is it you are looking for anyway?

This is a fantasy. She isn't into it.

Just forget this one.

kjsunj · Feb 25, 2010, 06:16 AM

You she said there is no crush in between me and her.. I thought it was just smooth ride get into this relationship.. I just read some other peoples story and now I am thinking maybe she is one of thoese girls who put their career and goal first and put other things later such as family and relationship...