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talaniman · Aug 31, 2009, 07:01 AM

Question

Understood. But where do you know when if she is trying to communicate just because she wants me to be a friend , as opposed to really wanting to get back together. The whole pie and piece thing

Answer

You will know because she will tell you. Don't dwell on what she wants right now, just do for yourself, and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule - Do your own thing after a break up, and don't worry about someone else's thing.

She asks

miss me much lol

You did well ignoring this feeble attempt at contact, as it sounds as if your okay to be treated like you did something wrong, rather than admitting she over reacted, and could have just communicated her feelings.
Then this happened

Originally Posted by whatsnext2009

she's back..

She said she didn't want to break up, she just was too overwhelmed and I put her in a situation of either being together or nothing and she became pressured to just make a decision.

We decided a few things will be changed, like the understanding that she was tired like the past 4 weeks because of her work schedule and on her open day we had plans so she couldn't just sleep in or relax. So hopefully things work out for the best.

She did say what upset her the most was that I refused to talk to her after we broke up and would avoid her attempts to contact.

Does that mean she will tell you she is tired, and overwhelmed, so you can back off, and let her rest? Or will she just dump you over the phone again?

Your right she is back, and you know changes must be made, not just by YOU, but HER too! Or else nothing will have been learned, and getting back together will only be another mistake.

whatsnext2009 · Aug 31, 2009, 12:10 PM

Yeah. We are together now which is good, but we will see the changes that will happen.

Originally she said she didn't see a future with me. I guess the last week of being broken up she realized that she actually does see a future.

I told her that I don't want her freaking out either. And then she has to make plans with me like we always have, meaning a future date on our hangout so we have that ability to look forward to something. She also said that school is gooing to be busy and stuff with work also, but she doesn't want to do a seeing each other once every few weeks relationship. I told her I don't want that either, so we BOTH have to put forth the effort to see each other hopefully once a week, if not the weekend then maybe during the week.

whatsnext2009 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:16 PM

I haven't seen her in like 12 days minus this past weekedn for an hour when we talked.
She's got a pretty busy work schedule but I asked her to make the effort after work since after labor day she'll being school without a car.
After that conversation she got all weird again. Not saying much on the phone, almost acting distant. Then we kind of ended the conversation like not normal.

A few texts to ask what's up and she said nothing, I told her when she's not happy I'm not happy. But I still sense something like she isn't tell me.

I'm annoyed. Oh my rants

whatsnext2009 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:17 PM

Oh and of course she replies that she's happy.
But actions speak louder than words, at least by our phone conversation where she was like more like a "blah" pasive state

But then on a text she says everything is fine she's happy.

I mean I realize people can be stressed with other things

But jesus, make a bigger effort to make me understand if something else is on your mind, or state that really you are happy and not to worry about crap hah.

jmw0713 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:31 PM

OK. The best advice I can tell you is back off a little. You seem like you are trying to "fix" things and constantly asking her what's wrong. This is not a good way to go about things. By questioning her and trying to find out "Whats wrong" all the time, you are annoying her and pushing her away.

What's wrong is you are now looking too deep into things and annoying her and yourself out. Relax... Stay cool. Don't think things will get back to the way they were overnight... if ever.

You both need to work on you communication skills. You need to quit worrying about her so much and start worrying about yourself, or else you will push her right out of the door again.

whatsnext2009 · Sep 1, 2009, 12:36 PM

Heck yeah I am annoyed and stressed. For a second there I felt like I was happier last week when I was 4 days into NC.

Not really try to fix things in a night but yesturdya being there first day back, we've emailed and spoke the same way we have before we broken up, and I wasn't even the initiator for the most part. Confusing.

So when things seem weird don't look so much into it? I just thought that after how well estyurday supposively went, that her stubbornness on the phone wouldn't have been there, unless her attitude from something else is just affecting how she was talking to me, and not realizing it.

Maybe I'll do a semi NC. Not be so responsive to her. And not answer every time she calls when she is at work or at home.

jmw0713 · Sep 1, 2009, 01:24 PM

Not necessarily do NC... but don't assume things are wrong all the time. Try doing more things on your own so you have more to talk about with her than the relationship.

Talking about the relationship does more harm than good.

talaniman · Sep 1, 2009, 02:09 PM

Sorry guy but relationships are to be enjoyed, as you grow together. I see none of that at all, do you??

whatsnext2009 · Sep 1, 2009, 03:59 PM

I know spending time is better than sitting there on the phone talking about the relationship. She called me again after work to talk asking me how my day was and stuff. A normal conversation.

I brought the hanging out again, when, because we are unsure. I told her this weekend, and she works, but come after. It's like she can't make that olbigation to see me. The weekend after she has her first weekend of school and would prefer me not to come since she hasn't seen people since 6 months (I don't know where 6 came from school ended in may) and wants to be able to hang out with them etc and not have to worry about if I'm doing all right and what not. And I told her I know people there so its no like I'm going to be clung to her hip.

Well then she started to become less enthusiastic about us, and not sure why. She has to think about it she says. Well I told her I'm not going to date a girl that isn't eager to see me, nor that is only going to see me once every 3 weeks. She said she's okay once every 3 but I'm not..

So now I'm trying to figure out if she 'says' we're together now just so it's easier to move apart and forget about me and just has me hanging on her thread.

If she doesn't come visit this weekend, I think I'm pulling the cord myself, and doing NC. Because then I won't see her for 2 weeks, and haven't seen her for 2 weeks prior, and the 2 hours Sunday morning psh, come on that was nothing.

talaniman · Sep 1, 2009, 04:37 PM

Tell me again why you wanted her back in the first place?? This is starting to sound like the same crap you started with.

I would disappear from her life forever, with no advance notice at all.

whatsnext2009 · Sep 1, 2009, 07:07 PM

I don't know its confusing to me now. I guess I can either see if she's going to attempt to visit and make things right, or am doing what I did best, NC.

amicon · Sep 2, 2009, 01:16 AM

Ask yourself if you still want to be in this situation in a months time? A year? Etc etc.I think its time to walk away.

whatsnext2009 · Sep 2, 2009, 06:25 AM

I don't. And trust me I've been reading all your answers over and over. And you know the NC was AWESOME, I felt good.

But when she came back, it made me realize, OK a few things
She did miss me.
She broke up because she needed some space. (the whole time she said she knew we'd get back together pretty much)
We can't just jump into things like it was, even though it did feel like that sometimes these past few days.

She told me she didn't know if she wanted to put as much effort, which was a reason why she called it off last week. When we talked Sunday I said I want to see that. I'm supposed to be up and visit her for sure in 2 weeks, but I told her I can't wait that long and stressed to come today or this weekend.

I think if I don't see her this weekend.

I will tell her straight over the phone, that now I don't see a future with her, her lack of commitment-meaning trying to see each other isn't there, and I'm done wasting my time and playing games. Then disappear without saying anything else, leaving no contact.

I mean I realize she is overwhelmed with school starting, but if she really wants this to work, this is MY demand and what I want to see.

amicon · Sep 2, 2009, 06:35 AM

And stick with the N C one hundred percent.good luck.

jmw0713 · Sep 2, 2009, 06:47 AM

I would walk. This is not what you want, but this is all she is willing to give. Why touture yourself? Find someone who wants to see you and be with you, not string you along until someone better comes along... thats what she is doing.

talaniman · Sep 2, 2009, 07:15 AM

So this whole second look thing is based on her feelings changing yet again a week ago??

I think your fixing to learn why men should never think with their hearts, because females can feed you just what your heart wants to hear, and that's what she is doing.

whatsnext2009 · Sep 2, 2009, 07:35 AM

Hey talaniman
I missed what you meant by the second look thing

whatsnext2009 · Sep 3, 2009, 08:44 AM

Here's an update.
We been speaking well like we never broke last week. I told her that if she didn't make an effort on coming here this weekend, then I don't know how I am going to feel.

Well, she finally got her work schedule for this weekend, and she doesn't work Sunday, so what do you know, she called me excited happy to come up and hang out all day, if she is prepared for her move to school since she moves up the next day. But today she is set to go and can't wait. So I guess I kind of see where the stress was coming from for the breakup or space last week, where she had the work schedule, then she had her roomates bugging her to come up early, then she had me asking to hangout, then she had the preparation for school and hanging out with her family.

So things are looking okay once again. But I am going to make sure that I treat that as a breakup that happened, and not just a space thing, because we were broken up. She didn't even tell her parents that we did, but instead told them that we are just taking a breather, which made me realize the whole time she didn't want to break up, but really just needed some space to breath.

Am I ranting too much? Haa. Either way it feels good to get the things out. But I like everyone else's perspective on things. My friend still thinks she's young and doesn't know what she wants, that, or she's really good at convincing me and knows what to say to keep me as interested, haha.

whatsnext2009 · Sep 3, 2009, 08:46 AM

And I do see that she doesn't like confrontation with people. Getting in arguments. But I'm trying to change that. We haven't really gotten into a fight with each other until well that breakup, but even that wasn't a fight. We've been in a small argument here and there. But to me I like to have an argument from time to time. I like to see how that person handles themselves, and the situation. Do they need some time to think abou tstuff? Do they want to resolve it right away? Do they just put a guard up? Do they ignore it?

I guess I analyze crap like that, ha

talaniman · Sep 3, 2009, 11:49 AM

Talaniman Rule- Never analyze the female mind, You will go crazy.

Just pay attention, and be yourself. I have never tested a female, never will, but if she puts up with my crap, and I can deal with hers, that works, now for how long?? Well that always remains to be seen.

The real test is how well you work together to resolve your issues, to the benefit of both.

Relationships/marriages are about to partners that are willing to keep working together, no matter what life throws at you.