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rol · Oct 24, 2006, 06:25 AM

Well the problem was not about smothering each other, problem according to him is that when he is in a relationship(as this was his first real one) he can only give , and feels guilty if he is not with me, according to him we became "us". I always kept my friends and at the beginning always encouraged him to call and go out with his friends but he did not ,so his life became the life I had created ,so he lost himself eventually and I became his only passion which eventually made him wake up and want to feel his passion for life again. So for me 'I' AND 'US' WERE OK BUT 'HE' was missing.

<<It fundementally comes down to this: me, you, and us-- there needs to be balance and boundaries to all 3 and that is where more and more people are screwing up. What some people call true love, I call emeshment. They lose themselves in it, too much overlap and so lose the relationship too. It sounds to me like in your relationship, it was just the opposite -- there wasn't enough overlap, the "us" part kind of sort of evaporated leaving a you and a me but no us? >>

Ill quote you again. I totally agree with the question of balance here in all 3... extremely important... If one part is missing there will be a problem.

rol · Nov 6, 2006, 04:32 AM

OK I have one question... Should I keep in contact with him while he finds his identity again?

I've seen all the no contact advice here, but I think in my case this is a bit different...

I am moving on, meeting new people, doing new activties, going out with female and male friends , and I do feel fine.

I told him the last time when we talked (3 weeks)that I would contact him when I was ready so I was thinking of just sending a short email to say " I respect and understand your decision to be alone, As i said in the beginning i just want you to be happy. Im ok , having fun , ive got back to painting again. Call me when you want to meet for a drink as "just friends".

So advice, would this be OK? I really hate this silence, plus he was a good guy who always treated me so well and I cannot think of one bad thing against him, so I do just want the best for him.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 6, 2006, 04:52 AM

No Contact!!

That is what others tell me. RRegardless of how good a man he was, contacting him will only push him further away. What you are doing now will not be of any interest to him until he starts to miss you!!

As others tell me, your ex will only miss you if you become unavailable and then they will become curious...

Hope this helps!

rol · Nov 6, 2006, 05:43 AM

Well I would not be contacting him for the reason of pursuing him, it would be just to let him know I respect his decision and life goes on. I will have to contact him anyhow in 2 weeks over an issue we have so I thought it might be good to add that at the end of the mail.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 6, 2006, 05:57 AM

O.K.

Well, that sounds o.k then, I guess you are just getting closure in this case.. But just make sure this is what motivates you to do this.

But I'm sure you know what you are doing.

Just son't want it to go pearshaped for others.. You sound like you had something special with him so just be careful how you deal with this situation.

There are going to be times when you really, really miss him and that is when the No contact becomes hard and then it seems like purseuing..

I may be talking from my own perspective but I think many make the same mistakes..

But if you need any advice, come on here and others will support you!!

Sentra · Nov 6, 2006, 06:03 AM

I think you are making the mistake of 'burning bridges' and shutting him out completely because he is being honest with not wanting a relationship with you, and only seeking a friendship; in the end it is the best thing for you, as it sounds like if he were to stay around it wouldn't be a great thing for your well being and would only get your hopes up when they shouldn't.

Go meet new people, get out of the house and off the computer e-mailing him.

Spend some time and money on yourself, show attention to yourself so that it clicks in your mind that you are someone without him.

Is anyone worth the pain and suffering of a breakup, if they don't want you as a companion? I think not!

Its OK to cry, its OK to hit your pillow or vent here.

It should only take once to let him know that 'Life goes on', otherwise you'd be protesting too much.

I wish you luck! Take care:).

rol · Nov 6, 2006, 06:29 AM

Yes of course I am not emailing him or acting stupid, and if we continue the friendship we have been having for the last 5 months since he needed to think (where he initiated every contact), it would be just that. I just had the talk 3 weeks ago as things were not clear for me and he told me he has been very confused for the last 5 months , so now things are clear , he wants to reinvent his life again. So I will continue reinventing mine also while maintaining contact if he contacts... I am a strong ,independent , confident girl not the type who would be running to his beck and call.. and when he calls I will be busy and mysterious.
Well let me see if ye have any more views on this issue?

Actually I should let him face the void...
Ill contact him in 2 weeks about the issue I have and then ill just add the bit about respecting his decision and that I want him to be happy. I won't bother with the call me if you want to go for a drink part, that sounds a bit desperate ;-)

Skell · Nov 6, 2006, 02:57 PM

No don't contact him in my opinion. Why?

I just don't really see a point.

Just because you are ready might not mean he is ready. Don't put any pressure on him.

Just leave it a while longer. Let him contact you when and if he is ready.

Just continue to go about your life the way you are.

Although you say you have no other motives to call him other than to just be friendly it may not necessarily appear that way, and deep inside yourself if your completely honest then I dare say it isn't entirely the truth either.

You are intrigued if there still might be something there aren't you and want to test the waters?

I just still think it is too hard and too soon to be friends. If it weren't then you wouldn't even bother asking here. It would just come natural. It wouldn't have to be forced or instigated.

So I say for the benefit of all involved don't contact him. It might not harm anything, but it might. Why take that risk when you say you are going so great without him anyway. Just keep moving forward and concentrating on you.

Having him as your friend right now probably won't assist your progress in my opinion, nor will it is!

Skell · Nov 6, 2006, 03:01 PM

Why do you need to tell him you respect his decision?

You are making excuses to contact him.

I think your actions would prove to him that you respect his decision. You don't need to tell him that!

Is the issue that important that you need to contact him or again are you just making excuses to contact him.

Im only asking this because I know what it is like. You look for any little reason you can to have contact hoping it will bring them back. It doesn't work like that sorry.

Trust me I know.

talaniman · Nov 6, 2006, 07:30 PM

actually I should let him face the void...
Ill contact him in 2 weeks about the issue I have and then ill just add the bit about respecting his decision and that I want him to be happy. I won't bother with the call me if you want to go for a drink part, that sounds a bit desperate ;-)

I'm like Skell, but more curious as to what issues you may have that's so important to break no contact? There is no need to express how you feel so I'm of the mind that you are looking for an excuse to see him again. Please straighten me out.

Xein · Nov 6, 2006, 08:23 PM

I know the pain of keeping no contact. I have a lot of questions and things I'd like to talk about with my ex. But I push it down and stay strong. Because I will always think of more things I want to talk to her about even if I did say what I wanted to right now. But I will say nothing to her unless she decides to contact me and want to talk about it. If your ex doesn't contact you, chances are they don't want to hear what you have to say anyway, they may not be ready. When you're outside of the relationship there's no reason to talk about things that happened in it and the issues unless both people are willing to talk it out and work everything over. If things were real, he will come back in his own time when he figures out what he has to do for himself and you two will have a lot to discuss. Till then, I say let him go, enjoy your life while he figures out his and hopefully things will be for the best in the end.

rol · Nov 7, 2006, 03:31 AM

<<There is no need to express how you feel so I'm of the mind that you are looking for an excuse to see him again. Please straighten me out.>>

No I promise its not an excuse. Don't be out of your mind with me ;-)
So the thing is we still own a house together where I am living now, so the issue is regarding a really big bill. It can wait a few weeks.

Thanks everyone else for the advice.
Ive also read love tactics site which is great , kind of the advice I had given to myself... But I guess there is a waiting period first?

This one for example
"It isn't the "friendship" you want to discontinue. It's any expectations he may feel entitled to from you that you want to cease. In other words, he can call but you may not be there. He might want to see you but you might have a date with someone else, or plans that you are under no obligation to explain to him. There is no understanding of exclusivity, or friendship that makes him a priority over anyone else. But I wouldn't hold a hard line on saying "we can't be friends... it's either all or nothing!" What that does is tell him how badly hooked you are on him and that you're all emotional over him. He will be more attracted to you if he thinks that you are independent enough to be his friend, but not be dependent upon his friendship. I know it's a hard balancing act, but it is precisely what works. Be such a good friend that he really enjoys your friendship -- WHEN HE CAN GET IT! But be elusive enough (end your conversations first, and don't return all of his calls or any of them right away) that you become more of a challenge. It is VERY important also, that you show enough independence to be developing relationships with other men and dating as much as possible. That stimulates a man's competitive nature and increases his desire for you.

Would this be the next step after the 2 month no contact phase?

I really really appreciate all your advice.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 7, 2006, 04:00 AM

Originally Posted by rol

<<People want what they can't have - I am wondering if you both were just way too available to each other?>>

yes way too available!!!!!!!!!!i wont make that mistake ever again, but as it was the first time i was ever really in love i didnt realise that and all seemed so perfect.

Hi Rol, thanks for your advice in my post by the way..

Reference to the quote above, Yes I think when you become too available, you become lost in a kind of bubble where everything seems perfect and you become so deeply distracted (quoting tal in my thread) that you are unable to act on any signs of a relationship starting to fall apart.

Do you think a complete split could bring you closer together as in, possibly reconcile after some months have passed with No Contact - referring to your situation?

rol · Nov 7, 2006, 04:06 AM

Hi Geoffersonairplane,
Thanks for your advice, I've been reading WAPS thread also. We are all in the same situation.. I'm going to read the updates in your thread now.
Yes I need to do no contact,
Keep drumming it into me ;-)

talaniman · Nov 7, 2006, 04:47 AM

Originally Posted by rol

<<There is no need to express how you feel so I'm of the mind that you are looking for an excuse to see him again. Please straighten me out.>>

no i promise its not an excuse. don't be out of ur mind with me ;-)
So the thing is we still own a house together where i am living now, so the issue is regarding a really big bill. It can wait a few weeks.

Thanks everyone else for the advice.
Ive also read love tactics site which is great , kind of the advice i had given to myself....But i guess there is a waiting period first?

This one for example
"It isn't the "friendship" you want to discontinue. It's any expectations he may feel entitled to from you that you want to cease. In other words, he can call but you may not be there. He might want to see you but you might have a date with someone else, or plans that you are under no obligation to explain to him. There is no understanding of exclusivity, or friendship that makes him a priority over anyone else. But I wouldn't hold a hard line on saying "we can't be friends...it's either all or nothing!" What that does is tell him how badly hooked you are on him and that you're all emotional over him. He will be more attracted to you if he thinks that you are independent enough to be his friend, but not be dependent upon his friendship. I know it's a hard balancing act, but it is precisely what works. Be such a good friend that he really enjoys your friendship -- WHEN HE CAN GET IT! But be elusive enough (end your conversations first, and don't return all of his calls or any of them right away) that you become more of a challenge. It is VERY important also, that you show enough independence to be developing relationships with other men and dating as much as possible. That stimulates a man's competitive nature and increases his desire for you.

Would this be the next step after the 2 month no contact phase?

i really really appreciate all your advice.

I don't know about two months. But when you honestly are at a place where you are mature and healthy and live a balanced fulfilled life then anything is possible. In two months if you HONESTLY think you have arrived at that place then you'll know it. Not to doubt you or your commitment to heal but being honest with ones self is a very healthy sign and make take longer than two months. All you have to do is ask some of the people who post here how long its been for them to get insight on just what they are going through and how long they have been going through it.

rol · Nov 7, 2006, 06:16 AM

Well I am changing mood every day, one day I am OK and the next I am not so good.
I was actually OK when we were doing the friends thing until the night that we spent together, but of course that was all a bit weird because I don't think either of us had ended things at all, and were both very confused, and I guess while he was confused he was calling me whenever he would miss me.. The thing is the night we talked we could easily have ended up being intimate again, we were smiling at each other and it was getting ridiculous so I had to talk about how I was confused the last time.
So now I have definitely to do no contact to make all this seem more real.
I just went for lunch now and met someone I knew and he goes how's your boyfriend /husband.So I just said he's fine. I cannot tell people. The same thing happened last week and when I tried to explain what had happened the girl actually laughed and thought it was a joke.
So I've told 3 people I think! My colleages in office at work don't even knowOutside I'm a happy person and good at hiding my feelings but inside its another story!
Plus it was my birthday a few days ago and I got about 30 mails and calls, but none from my ex(gosh that's the first time I think I called him that) I think I am in a process of serious denial!!

Excuse my venting here but it is helping me to express my thoughts..

valinors_sorrow · Nov 7, 2006, 06:36 AM

Shock, denial, bargaining, anger, fear, sadness -- all parts of the grieving process. And its wise to choose with care who you reveal yourself to since this is a time of great emotional fragility. Be especially protective and kind with yourself as you heal and know that it's a "three steps forward, two back" kind of process for all humans. Allow yourself to find the gem of wisdom in this to apply to all future endeavors so that the pain is not for nothing. My condolences to you about your loss.

rol · Nov 7, 2006, 07:18 AM

Thank you all for you words of wisdom...

I was just reading Skells advice on another thread which also helps

"i think maybe it is about time that you became selfish and stop putting others first.
Put yourself first and your happiness.
If you dont do this and give yourself the best possible shot at being happy then you can't complain when you arent happy.
does that make sense.
you say you always put others first and never look after your own well being. Well of course you arent going to be happy. Do you like the misery? Im sure you dont.
Well stop it. Give yourself the best possible chance at happiness. And if that involves being a little selfish and putting yourself before others then thats what it takes. Too bad.
Until you do as such then you wont be happy and probably dont deserve it because you havent really tried.
The ball is in your court. Which path do you want to take.
i know which one i would!"

This also helps me understand that my ex made the decision to make himself happy and oput himself first.That was actually my reasoning in wanting to send that mail I wanted to send previously, just to show that I am fine and understand his decision, otherwise maybe he thinks I am wallowing in selfpity now and is not concentrating on himself as he should be.

Geoffersonairplane · Nov 7, 2006, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Shock, denial, bargaining, anger, fear, sadness -- all parts of the grieving process. And its wise to choose with care who you reveal yourself to since this is a time of great emotional fragility. Be especially protective and kind with yourself as you heal and know that its a "three steps forward, two back" kind of process for all humans. Allow yourself to find the gem of wisdom in this to apply to all future endeavors so that the pain is not for nothing. My condolences to you about your loss.

I had a big problem with the shock and denial stages and I was numb for a good month and then anger set in like I never felt it before and to be honest, I keep switching between Sadness and anger, my mind can't make it's mind up.. I have become emotkionally resigned to the reality of my situation but it's a long process rol...

I do hope your pain heals soon, but please remain out of contact for your own sake... I think I've cracked the No Contact and it speeds up the process a little, not saying it goes away but it sure beats contact, that will just hurt you even more regardless of your motives behind the contact..

NO CONTACT!!

Take Care!

Skell · Nov 7, 2006, 03:35 PM

Originally Posted by rol

This also helps me understand that my ex made the decision to make himself happy and oput himself first.That was actually my reasoning in wanting to send that mail i wanted to send previously, just to show that i am fine and understand his decision, otherwise maybe he thinks i am wallowing in selfpity now and is not concentrating on himself as he should be.

Please don't worry so much about what he thinks at this time. It doesn't matter whether he thinks your wallowing in self pity or going better than ever. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't help you.

Only you help you. So how about you be selfish as well and stop worrying about him, and focus on you.

It will get you no where. I have been in your shoes and until you start to worry about yourself and realise that worrying about your ex doesn't change anything you will continue to stagnate in the one spot.

My ex also for the first time in her life decided to pout herself first. But it was at the expense of me. Until I realised that and decided to stop feeling sorry for her and me nothing improved.