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bella99 · Jul 30, 2009, 11:18 PM

This isn't so much a question - its more an email to my ex that I want to send to him but know I shouldn't. Here goes. (sorry if you can't read this - I'm crying and not about to spell check) Give me any words of wisdom you have.

So, why is it that last night you and I went to dinner and you were nice to me and we joked around and hand fun, and you were interested in what was going on in my life - yet tonight - I invited you out to hang out with our mutual friends- you treat me like crap?? So our night started with you telling me you were so engrossed in watching the phillies, and whenever I tried to talk to you, you answered but were engrossed in the phillies game because they could lose.

So we all walk down to the next bar because your friend mike is there - and its about to be your birthday in an hour. As soon as we get to the bar, you leave all of us to see your friend mike and hang out with him. Don't invite us over or tel us where your going - no - just leave. So I walk over and tell you wer are going upstairs - say hi to your friends all of whom know me. I ask you to come upstairs before its your actual birthday in an hour.

An hour goes by - I send you a happy birthday text - no response - 20 min later - I send you a text asking if you are going to come up stairs you say "very soon!". Yea 20 min later you come upstairs, blow all of your friends off including me to go talk to some chick -and you are absolultey engrossed in talking to her (never mind that the phillies are now losing 7-2 and if you were talking to me you would have been all about that and worried). You don't say thanks for the text or anything to me - or ay of your other friends - who actually drove you to the bar.

What did you use them to just get a ride to newark so you could hang out with your other friends?? They were pissed too I was pissed for different reasons - because you were nice to me and an today. And 25 feet away from me chatting up your chic friend. Oh and then 20 min into it your ealize you ddnt say hi to the friends that drove you. So you come over and bring your friend kate. Say hi quick introduce us all and abruptly vanish again to the front of the bar 25 feet away where I get subjected to watching you laugh and have a great time with her. Yea - hey jerk - I'm rRIGHT HERE!! YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELIGNS RIGHT NOW! I run out and cry -but I don't want him to know I'm crying - my friends are trying to console me.

I'm about to leave - I happent o have to walk passed you - I hit you on the shoulder and wave good bye. You follow to say good bye to the entire group.. You give me a hug, and by this point I've been crying and can't really stop and you ask what's wrong - I try really hard to blurt out that I wish you wouldn't hurt me rightinfront of me -no idea how it came out - but iw as crying and hugging you and didn't want to let you go. You left then to hang out with your other friends. Iwas still crying. I left too.

Dude - its not like we broke up because someone hurt the other person - u just "dont have romantic feeligns for me anmore" well you know what - no matte what I do - I still have those feeligs for you -its been a little over 3 months and that hasn't changed for me. No guys interest me except you. Apparently I'm replaceable though. . Do you even care that you hurt me? You obviously know now. Are you doint this to me on purpose? I want to write you an email and tell you all of this - but that's a bad idea. I came home and cried my eyes out for an hour to my cousin on the phone. She now thoroughly hates you.

Unfortunately I have to see you on Saturday at mandys birthday party - yea its yours too but I was friends with her for 2 years before I ever met you.

This time - screw it - I don't care if its your birthday or not - I'm not talking to you - I'm going to try to be strict about this no contact thing. I sent you a happy birhtday text, and I got nothing - you ignored me when youc ame up stairs- well - screw it - u don't need me - I may need you now - but I don't need to contact you. If you actually want to be friends like you've told me so many times - its now YOUR turn to make the effort . I've run out of effort for you. I miss you and hate you and wish you weren't a jerk to me 0 none of this will end until I get rid of you (which is incredibly impossible seeing as how we have all the same friends - but I'm going to try). Maybe you will realize what you are missing one day - and it will be way too late. Its already too late for you. Goodluck finding someone like me again. I cared about ou more than I ever should have how much did you carea about me? I was in a great mood for the past 2 weeks - then tonight - its like a huge setback. I give up - how about you try to be my friend for once. I don't want to care anymore - you don't deserve someone like me. I'm always around helping my friends well your not my friend anymore - good luck in life I am tired of hurting so much.

Torrid13 · Jul 30, 2009, 11:21 PM

Venting to others or a diary is a very good way to get your emotions out... and so it crying, so don't feel bad.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but you did the right thing in not sending this to him. It would end in disaster.

Keep your word on the NC thing, though. I PROMISE that NC does wonders, and even if you're not completely over him, you'll still feel a lot better.

Keep NC, and keep venting. People here know what you're going through, and don't mind helping.

friend4u178 · Jul 30, 2009, 11:35 PM

Hi Bella
I'm really sorry for your hurt but unfortunately this is the way some guys try to tell you their not interested anymore if you don't take the hint and keep contacting him.

He's let you know and to him it's just a drama when you confront him with all the crying etc.

I know that's not what you want to hear but that's how a lot of guys deal with this sort of situation.

I suggest you just leave him alone now and go No Contact , that way you'll start healing and it won't hurt as much the more time goes by.

Chin up.

bella99 · Jul 31, 2009, 07:42 AM

Thanks for replying guys. Definitely no contact from now on. It will be incredibly hard, but I finally have a reason. I have nothing left to hold on to to hope that we might get back together. And any guy who would be nice to me one night then a total jerk the next doesn't deserve me at all. Until this point I thought about all of the good parts of our relationship, but now all I can think of is how much of a jerk he was to me - I have nothing left to say to him.

Today is his birthday - earlier in the week I sent him a card which he got on Wednesday and I sent him a happy birhtday text last night at midnite before all this started - which he never even said thanks to me for. So I've already said my part to him about his birthdaythankfully or I'd be tempted to send him a message about his birhtday.

I'll run into him tomorrow definitely, but I'm just going to pretend like he's not around. If it gets to me I'm going to leave. My cousin is going with me to the celebration, so she promised to help me stay away from him if I need the help.

Its kind of strange - I feel pretty craptastic and Ok at the same time today. Bad because I didn't sleep, my stomach hurts, and I just feel betrayed. Ok because now I have a definitive answer in my brain that there is on going back. I'm not being torn in 2 directions by the idea that we could get back together again. There is no chance now - I know it- and I think knowing this will help me move on no matter how sad it is.

There is somebody else out there - I just keep wondering where this somebody else is right now.

I might take the afternoon off work - if its not raining maybe ill drive to baltimore and walk around the harbor or go see some movies. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. Ugh.

laxman526 · Jul 31, 2009, 08:00 AM

Hang in there bella. I'm going through the same hurt. Somedays it feels impossible to move on and it sucks. Yesterday was REALLY crappy. I'm at 2 1/2 weeks of NC. But I went to the gym and hung out with my roommate and I felt 10x's better. I do believe it will get better. Stick to NC and you'll get through this. :)

Jake2008 · Jul 31, 2009, 11:36 AM

No Contact means no contact for very good reasons.

It gives you time and space to start to recover from a relationship that has ended.

Your original post is really a good little essay on why No Contact should be taken literally.

You see him, you hurt. You talk to him, you hurt. He says something, you hurt. You see him with another girl, you hurt. He looks and acts like he's single, you hurt. You try to have him see how hurt you are and how disappointed he is with being so crappy toward you, and you hurt. You turn on the waterworks, he doesn't bend.

Because this is still so raw for you emotionally, consider not going to places where you know he's going to be, i.e. the birthday party. You are not over him, and this will show; how you look at him, talk about him, think about him. While he is within earshot and you can actually see him, you are again, setting yourself up to be hurt.

My advice to you is to back off completely. Find things to do to keep yourself busy instead of worrying about an event where you'll know he'll be, where you will need your cousin with you to help you stay away from him, as you said.

friend4u178 · Jul 31, 2009, 03:33 PM

Originally Posted by bella99

There is somebody else out there - i just keep wondering where this somebody else is right now.

Your right there is someone out there for all of us , but it's important to go through your healing process first.

And that someone will turn up when you aren't even looking.

Good Luck Bella :)

amicon · Aug 2, 2009, 08:06 AM

Yes it should be consistent. I left my partner two weeks ago-then rang him a couple of days later. He screamed at me to leave him alone. Nc yes!

bella99 · Aug 7, 2009, 11:22 AM

So - I've successfully done an entire week of NC as of tomorrow. Unfortunately I did end up going to the party last Saturday, but it actually opened up my eyes a little bit, and made this NC thing much more do-able.

I had fun at the party dancing with all of my other friends, but my ex was a complete Jerk - it seems he is fooling around with this girl who has a boyfriend (that everyone knows) and she is also one of his best friend's exes - there must be a man code against that. Well when I figured this out - It really turned my stomach. I was disgusted at him since this is a 180 from the guy I used to know really well even before we were going out. I am incredibly disappointed in him.

This did help though since now I don't even want to be his friend. I haven't even felt like talking to him.

I was in a good mood most of this week actually which was a first for me. Today I have been kind of down. I think I'm a little hurt that he disappointed me, and I'm also a little lonely. I have all this energy and I want to go out and do something and meet new people, but there is no one to go out and do anythign with tonight. Its hard to meet new people when you are stuck at home watching a movie because there is nothing to do.

Anyway, I just wanted to give everyone an update. I'm going to stick to the absolutely NO Contact rule. At first I had wanted to send him an email telling him how disappointed I was, but I got over it - I don't even want to spend that much energy on him.

I guess sometimes the guy really does have to be a complete and utter jerk in order for you to move on - stinks that it has to end up that way.

laxman526 · Aug 7, 2009, 11:47 AM

I'm glad you're staying strong, Bella. It seems like you are making headway in your recovery. Tues. marks 1 month NC for me. I had the biggest urge today to send a "how are you" text, but I think I'm going to stay strong as well and forget about it. Congrats on your 1st week. I know it was tough, but stick with it and you'll make out great!

laxman526 · Aug 7, 2009, 12:04 PM

Oh, one more thing. Read the post below. I read it today, and this post alone is the reason why I'm sticking to NC (even though he didn't, but had his reasons). It's a great read on hope and being able to move on and staying positive and healing.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...her-93599.html

bella99 · Aug 7, 2009, 01:52 PM

Hey Laxman thanks for the words of encouragement. DEFINITELY do not contact your ex - you just went an entire month - I'm so envious of you. Don't destroy that or you will have to start back at day 1.

Its still hard to believe its necessary to go through all of this for someone you used to care about. Ugh.

bella99 · Aug 11, 2009, 07:32 AM

I'm on day 10 of NC, but I had all kinds of dreams about him last night. I miss the guy he used to be. Why do people have to change?

I'm going to run into him next Saturday at a going away party for my best friend. I guess that will be the true test of my NC. Just going to stay away - plenty of other people to talk to there, and I have nothing to say to him.

talaniman · Aug 11, 2009, 08:46 AM

Its not a test of NC, it's a test of how well you handle yourself. Sounds like a good plan though, have fun with others, and be polite, and brief, with him.

As long as you don't get dragged into emotional conversations about the past, you will be fine.

What if he has a date?

bella99 · Aug 17, 2009, 08:51 PM

Ugh - this NC thing is getting hard now. Its been 16 days which I am so proud of - but I'm starting to miss him - even though he was a jackass to me. He went out with a bunch of my friends on Saturday and I just saw a bunch of pictures of it, and it made me miss him. It made me wonder why it is that he can hang out with all of them, but yet he doesn't miss seeing me at all.

I'm here every day missing him - and I don't want to - but its like a bad habit I can't break. I'm depressed because of him, and yet he's out hanging out with our friends having fun, not missing me a bit. I really want to stop missing him - to not think about him anymore, but I can't seem to get him out of my head.

I'll probably see him at a going away party both Friday and Saturday this week - and I don't want to break my no contact with him, but its going to be tough because I miss him so much and he doesn't seem to miss me at all. The last 4 months he hasn't really contacted me at all - I just can't believe how easy this has been for him.

I miss him - will this ever go away? I hate running into him all the time, but I can't just not talk to any of my friends anymore. Why has it been so easy for him to stop contacting me this entire time when its almost impossible for me? Sorry I just had to vent to someone - ugh I miss him :(

paxe · Aug 17, 2009, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by bella99

ugh - this NC thing is getting hard now. Its been 16 days which I am so proud of - but I'm starting to miss him - even though he was a jackass to me. he went out with a bunch of my friends on saturday and I just saw a bunch of pictures of it, and it made me miss him. it made me wonder why it is that he can hang out with all of them, but yet he doesn't miss seeing me at all.

I'm here every day missing him - and I don't want to - but its like a bad habit I can't break. I'm depressed because of him, and yet he's out hanging out with our friends having fun, not missing me a bit. I really want to stop missing him - to not think about him anymore, but I can't seem to get him out of my head.

I'll probably see him at a going away party both friday and saturday this week - and I don't want to break my no contact with him, but its gonna be tough because I miss him so much and he doesn't seem to miss me at all. The last 4 months he hasn't really contacted me at all - I just can't believe how easy this has been for him.

I miss him - will this ever go away? I hate running into him all the time, but I can't just not talk to any of my friends anymore. Why has it been so easy for him to stop contacting me this entire time when its almost impossible for me? Sorry I just had to vent to someone - ugh I miss him :(

Hey Bella,
You've been doing great. When I got dumped, I set myself a goal directly. My goal was to lose fat and get back in shape. Everyday there was tremendous change and I was very pleased with myself. When I started to think about my ex, I just looked in the mirror to see how much fat I lost.

I say fight your emotions, don't let them control you. When your ex start missing do something else. Also don't worry, time heals all wound. It's not easy because you have mutual friend but you'll get and then one day you will feel whole again. As everyday passes you will have ups and down, but them it will be only ups and life will be like normal or better than before.

friend4u178 · Aug 17, 2009, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by bella99

Sorry I just had to vent to someone - ugh I miss him :(

No you don't miss him , you miss who you thought he was.

Originally Posted by bella99

Why has it been so easy for him to stop contacting me this entire time when its almost impossible for me?

Because he is over you , before he broke up with you he knew it was happening and therefore a lot of his emotional demons had been dealt with.

For you , like most dumpees it seems to come out of the blue and for no reason , so you have to start your healing from that point. Just takes time I'm afraid and the fact that you have to see him from time to time certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Good news is one day you will start to feel better and then it just gets better and better as each day/week etc. goes by. Then you'll look back and see what a lot of unnecessary energy you spent worrying about someone who isn't worrying about you.

bella99 · Aug 17, 2009, 09:38 PM

Ugh it still hurts though that someone who used to care a lot - now doesn't even wonder how I'm doing. It hurts me that my entire summer has had this shadow cast over it that I can't get rid of because he's always in the back of my mind - yet for him its just so easy.

I shouldn't be jealous of him but I am - I wish my life wasn't so gloomy right now - I hate missing someone who doesn't miss me - but I can't seem to stop.

kctiger · Aug 18, 2009, 05:52 AM

You trick yourself into not caring by doing activities and hobbies that fill your life and that you love. Volunteer, go give someone in need of REAL help a hand. The more proactive you are in rebuilding a truly meaningful life the easier it is to get over this.

bella99 · Aug 18, 2009, 06:43 AM

Yea - I think I need to volunteer somewhere and be of some use to other people. I have been filling up my time with trips to the beach, hanging out with friends, going to the gym, etc etc, but I think maybe giving my time to others will make me feel like I have a better purpose in the world rather than just wasting my time being selfish.

I actually filled out the 10 page app to be a volunteer with the red cross, I did the back ground check and all, but they require you to go to a group orientation which is for some reason always held during the work day - so I can never go. Maybe I'll try the hospital or humane society or something.

Last night when I wrote that I was so upset - but today I feel a lot better and more clear minded. Its amazing how your mood can change day to day. I know he isn't purposefully trying to hurt me - he's just going about living his life - hanging out and having fun. I think I'm just envious that its so easy for him - I want to be in the same place mentally as him where I don't care and this doesn't bother me anymore - I know that will come with time.

I hate how love can make you rational ane irrational all at the same time.