[ZoeMarie]

Sometimes I just get embarrassed when I tell her no because it's almost like saying no to a child. Sometimes she'll give me the guilt trip, storm off and on rare occasions throw a tantrum in public.

That does suck, but I would think she'd be embarrassing herself more than you by doing this.

[omega_red_08]

Well I think it may all come to the breaking point tonight. Over the weekend, she was given a free dog and cage. She accepted it without talking to me at all. I told her that I didn't want another animal in our house and we basically had a huge argument over the phone.

I told her in the past that if she got that extra job and if she saved she could get another pet. She made sure to quote me on that when I talked to her. The facts are she quit the second job because she couldn't take working 2 jobs. She keeps saying that she is grown and I don't tell her what to do. I said if she came home with the dog I would put it outside and not let it back in. She said it was unfair because she always wanted a dog and she never got one as a kid.

She had the nerve to call me immature because I was getting my way and that kind of made me smile. Is there any way I could use this to break up with her or would it be something dumb to break up with?

[talaniman]

Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!

[08_777444]

Quote:

"she has reassured me that our relationship is about pure love and not presents or material things."

Then put her to the test. Stop. Just stop buying her things altogether. I'm sure you buy her those things because you want to see her happy. However, what about your happiness? If you stop buying her everything she wants, and she leaves you, then you know it wasn't about pure love, it was about the presents and material things, and in that case you would be better off... really.

I too was spoiled rotten as a child. When I grew up I was still spoiled rotten. The first time someone ever told me no I threw a fit... and I mean a fit. If he wasn't going to buy if for me then I would go out and buy it for myself... just as long as I got it, it didn't matter who paid for it.

Eventually I started dating a man who gave me nothing, and I mean nothing, unless it was for a birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc...

Guess what? I married him. It wasn't about material things, it was about love. That is why you must put her to the test, and it seems like you really like her, so I hope she passes.

Good Luck.

[omega_red_08]

She just called me (I'm at work) and said that her dad would take care of the dog for the time being. She wanted to know why I was being a about the dog and I told her that I wished she would have talked to me before she got the pooch.

I basically told her that if the dog stayed in the house and we couldn't find a compromise then it would be best for her to move out. She said that I was threatening her and was trying to find a reason to get rid of her and she hung up.

I just need to stand up to her and do what makes me happy.

[08_777444]

She just called me (I'm at work) and said that her dad would take care of the dog for the time being. She wanted to know why I was being a about the dog and I told her that I wished she would have talked to me before she got the pooch.

I basically told her that if the dog stayed in the house and we couldn't find a compromise then it would be best for her to move out. She said that I was threatening her and was trying to find a reason to get rid of her and she hung up.

I just need to stand up to her and do what makes me happy.

I'm happy that you stood up for yourself... that's what she needed. You have a right to be happy too. I know it hurts, but you are on the right track. As for the pooch, I think that is a good indication of what the rest of the relationship would be like if you stayed together. She would make major life decisions for the both of you without ever asking your input or inquiring with you first. That is a bad sign!

It is good you got a hold of this now before things went any further.

Good for you!

[omega_red_08]

Ok, help me keep my sanity. My girlfriend keeps on calling me to talk about this dog situation.

As far as I am concerned, there is nothing left to talk about. I have expressed the fact that I don't want another animal (in or out of the house) and that I'm upset she got the dog without asking me.

She said she'll keep it outside and, really, that would have been the compromise I wanted if we would have talked about it. Now I don't want the dog there at all. If it stays that will just be another battle I lose and she gets the upper hand like always.

How can I find the strength to keep my foot down?

[08_777444]

You put your foot down by learning how to say NO.

Maybe you could start by finding a new house for the pooch yourself. Place an ad in the paper, ask around if anyone wants a dog, but under no circumstances should you budge considering the way she went about this. What she did was wrong and selfish, and if you let her get away with it this time, she has won, and you are again defeated. Nothing will be learned from the situation except maybe things she already knows... that she can have whatever she wants.

So tell her it is either you or the dog. She can't have both. Take some pressure off yourself and force her to make a decision. If she chooses the dog then I go back to what I originally said and that is material things mean more to her than your love and happiness.

[talaniman]

Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!

Let me explain something to you. As long as you can be pressured, you will never work together, nor communicate.

So far you haven't done neither, and until her attitude changes, it never will work. As long as their is no consequence to her disrespect, she will continue to push for her agenda, and slowly degrade your self respect.

It takes more than just standing up to her, but standing up for yourself.

First its the dog outside, but then when it rains the dog comes in, and then he sleeps in your bed, and then he gets more attention, and then he needs more companions (another dog)................see where this is going????

Until she respect you, she will not even consider any communications what so ever.

My solution and advice, mean what you say with actions, and not compromise, at this time. Don't let her wear you down the way she has been doing.

Say NO, and mean it, and be ready to back it up, with quick, decisive action.

[talaniman]

How can I find the strength to keep my foot down?

Get her off that pedestal and love yourself, or else...
Get rid of this spoiled a$$ Goldigger!!!!

[achampio21]

I say keep the dog and get rid of the girl!!

[JBeaucaire]

When she accuses you of things that are "sort of" true (minus the malicious tone), how about owning it? It sure does take the wind out of people's sails and arguments when the other side isn't arguing the points, and is ignoring the tone.

You ARE wanting your life back. You ARE looking for an acceptable excuse to get your house back. You ARE being stubborn... and rightly so. It is your house.

In our house, compromise works like this... unless both parties say "yes", it's "no". The compromise is on the part of the person trying to impose something on the other. We ALWAYS resist unless permission is given. The compromise is NOT doing what you want, and later they DON'T do something they want if you don't agree. THAT'S the compromise. You compromise by respecting the boundaries of the person you live with.

This only applies to issues that absolutely and directly affect you both. If she wants to go out once a week with friends, that doesn't really affect you (no... it doesn't!)and she doesn't need permission for that, the same if you want to wear sweaters in the summer. Pets, finances, appliances, furniture, bed behaviors... those affect you both.

Anyway, truth is you want her to move out. Agree with her even when she says it ANGRILY and accusingly... that's a reverse psychology technique you have to deflate by ignoring the tone and owning up to the facts. "Hm, that's somewhat true, I suppose."

[08_777444]

I agree with tal. It was not only wrong and selfish what she did, it was also disrespectful. Without communication and MUTUAL respect, you guys are doomed. I would never think of doing something like that behind my husband's back... ever. But I respect him. He is the only man who has ever had the nads big enough to put me in my place. Yes I am implying that she will never respect you if you continue to let her walk all over you. It will get worse.

Forget about the repercussions... let her go!

First thing you need to do is find a good home for the pooch. The next thing you need to do... well, I think tal has already said it the best.

You have been given some really good advice on how to proceed. I hope you find the strength to do what's necessary.

[omega_red_08]

When she accuses you of things that are "sort of" true (minus the malicious tone), how about owning it? It sure does take the wind out of people's sails and arguments when the other side isn't arguing the points, and is ignoring the tone.

You ARE wanting your life back. You ARE looking for an acceptable excuse to get your house back. You ARE being stubborn...and rightly so. It is your house.

In our house, compromise works like this...unless both parties say "yes", it's "no". The compromise is on the part of the person trying to impose something on the other. We ALWAYS resist unless permission is given. The compromise is NOT doing what you want, and later they DON'T do something they want if you don't agree. THAT'S the compromise. You compromise by respecting the boundaries of the person you live with.

This only applies to issues that absolutely and directly affect you both. If she wants to go out once a week with friends, that doesn't really affect you (no...it doesn't!)and she doesn't need permission for that, the same if you want to wear sweaters in the summer. Pets, finances, appliances, furniture, bed behaviors...those affect you both.

Anyway, truth is you want her to move out. Agree with her even when she says it ANGRILY and accusingly...that's a reverse psychology technique you have to deflate by ignoring the tone and owning up to the facts. "Hm, that's somewhat true, I suppose."

So JB... what you are saying is to not try to talk to her about this. No matter what she accuses me of or what she calls me, just agree?

[JBeaucaire]

I'm saying listen to what she angrily says to you when she's mad or being argumentative. LISTEN. Don't respond immediately. Think about what she just said, filter out the anger completely, examine the FACTS of what she said, and if it's essentially correct, don't argue... perhaps agree outright. You decide.

HER: "You're threatening me and looking for a way to break up!!"

YOU: "I know it sounds threatening. I am looking for a way to get you to be more respectful of me, and if the only way to get that from you is to break up first, I can do that. Is that what you need?"

HER: "You are being so selfish!! It's just a dog and I have never had one before. It is so mean what you're doing, I should be able to have a dog if I want one."

YOU: "I am saying 'not here', I'm not saying 'no". Call that what you want. However, I agree, you should be able to have a dog if you want one. Would you like me to help you find a place to live that accepts pets. I don't want you to think you can't have a dog."

HER: "AHH! You ARE just kicking me out! You are so MEAN!"

YOU: "I am agreeing you should have the things you want and I'm willing to help you get them without giving up what I want. I think that's fair. I'm talking about a place to live. YOU are talking about breaking up."

The trick is calmness, and taking a second to think about what she's said. If it's true. Own it, give it back without the malice. She'll get it... or she won't.

[JBeaucaire]

And by the way, it would actually help if she SEES you taking a moment to think about she just said.

HER: "Well, aren't you going to answer!?"

YOU: "Absolutely. Give me a second. I'm thinking about what you just said."

[talaniman]

What are you doing with someone who disrespect you,
Calls you names,
Doesn't communicate,
Doesn't care what you think??

What could she have, that makes you take that abuse, and call it love???

Help me, I do not understand, and can't figure out why your not as mad as heck!!!!!!!!!!!

[JBeaucaire]

And just for the record, the suggestions I'm making are because it sounds like you don't want to kick her to the curb and have a better life for it.

My ADVICE overall... kick the girl to the curb and have a better life for it.

For anything other than that, refer to my other posts.

[omega_red_08]

Well, I laid all my cards out to her last night. She said we were never meant for each other and she sees that now. She wants to move out but has no where to go.

[talaniman]

You mean she can't support herself?? Or doesn't want to??

When people make statements like that, be careful, it may be just a play for sympathy.

Isn't it telling that you communicate how you feel, and her reaction is to break up, but she has no where to go!!!!

She can always go home to daddy, with her dog.

Pay attention with an objective eye and learn something about her you need to know.