[Allheart]

Full -

Redirect your thinking. You keep thinking of what it is like not having her in your life.
But guess what? She does not have YOU, and from all of your post, and the insight into who you are, that is a huge loss for HER not you.

She is going through some serious growing pains, and you don't see it now, but you are being spared additional misery of cutting the ties now, then further down the line, where the cuts could be deeper, with scars that may never heal.

SHE DOES NOT HAVE YOU! With all your great qualities... SHE NO LONGER HAS THEM.

Remember that!

[Janmarie]

I know that getting back together with her is out of the question, but I wish she could experience the pain that I am. That sounds horrible coming out of my mouth, but it just isn't fair! Why must people like this exist? What does she get out of being a whore? I feel like such a fool, and I feel so dirty.

UGH! Here's to another Up and Down Day.

Stop dwelling on her actions. I am not familiar with "facebook" but what may help is to stop going to her page and reading what she is doing. She knows that you are and so she is playing all these games with you. Why she is hurting you? There are so many Psychological reasonings to support it but the fact is she is just plain trying to hurt you.

It is a game and it is destructive. She is not only casting a bad light on herself as being the "whore" and it is obvious that these guys know it and she is easy to date. She is never going to have a healthy relationship as she did with you while she is playing the role of a "whore."

A suggestion for you is to not go to her facebook page. If you have to just delete yourself completely off it until you are stronger or if there is an "about me" section on it put up a huge display about how you are moving on and loving your life. She'll get the hint that she was unworthy of your love.

You seem to be handling things rather well and doing the right things. Trust yourself and know that you deserve better then this. No one deserves to be treated this way and it sucks that it is your first relationship. But this doesn't mean that all your relationships are going to be this way and as a learning experience you'll be more cautious with your relationships from this point on and not give your heart so freely until you know that the other person can be trusted. You will probably have trust issues that you will need to work through so you are not unfairly un-trusting a girl in a new relationship who is completely trust worthy. This is what happens when you dwell on the past and create this fear in every relationship with someone new. Deal with that now so it doesn't arise within you later.

Stop obsessing yourself with her and what she did to you. You need to date other women and it will feel like you are rebounding at first but you may need this to fully move on. I suggest dating more then one girl so you are not putting someone else in a position of getting hurt by you. If you casually date and do not get to involved you will see very soon that you are moving on, you'll feel more confident about yourself and there are other girls that will treat you so much better

[talaniman]

Why are you torturing yourself??

[talaniman]

This doesn't really help. If you're going for tough love, then good try, but it's not helping. I'm trying to cope with this. All of us aren't put together the same way.

I asked a question, if you can't answer it, you'll never see the point. You want to learn how to cope, it starts with facing the truth. Obviously your not seeing your part in this or you would be coping.

So why are you torturing yourself??

[Janmarie]

I asked a question, if you can't answer it, you'll never see the point. You want to learn how to cope, it starts with facing the truth. Obviously your not seeing your part in this or you would be coping.

So why are you torturing yourself??????

I believe what we are all trying to tell you is that obsessing over someone is not coping. It is actually keeping you a slave and all the negative things you are experiencing right now will continue. Talaniman is asking you why you are torturing yourself over this? You are in denial which is normal but you have to accept things just as it is. (facing the truth- she broke up with you). Surrender to it even though it doesn't feel very good to do so. Beginning stages of coping is accepting.

[FULLofRACQUET]

One week with NC!

[freakykid1995]

I was just dumped 5 days ago over text message. This girl was living with me and things seemed to be going fine. Our relationship did move fast, but it felt so right. We were in a relationship for 4 months. After a month she was saying that she loved me. After a month and a half she gradually moved into my apartment. After 2 months she is asking if we should find our own apartment. All of her ideas.

I was/am madly in love with her, even though she put me through emotional hell, even during the relationship. I found out that she had sex with two of my good friends before we started dating, one of which was my roommate. She said nothing happened, but then she got drunk one night and told me they had sex. My roommate informed me that it was a week before her and I started dating. So jealousy and distrust set in. We worked through it and then she had to go to a camp to be a counselor for 2 months. While she was gone she would call and text all the time telling me how much she missed me and loved me. She ended up coming home after a month because she couldn't cut it there. Things seemed to pick up right where they left off when she left. She told me she loved me, wanted marriage and children with me. Then about a week or two ago she started becoming distant. I would ask her if everything was alright, and she would blame it on the BC (birth control). Then out of the blue she started staying at her parents' house. So, I thought she needed some distance, so I gave it. Then after not seeing her for a couple days she texts me and says she's moving out and that we shouldn't get a place together. We talk about it when she comes over and she says we are still in a relationship and that she just needs distance. We move her stuff out and kiss goodbye. A half an hour later she texts me that she misses me. I didn't respond back because I was extremely confused at what just took place.

The next day I go to see her at her place for about an hour because she was leaving for a trip the next day. We seem fine, and she kisses me goodbye and hugs me tightly. While she is gone she barely contacts me. Then I get a text saying we are over and that she needs something else. I call her and she is drunk in her hotel room. She is telling me that I am boring, blank, and immature. Which is weird because she was the one that was always standoffish and never wanted to go out and do stuff. She also says that she has been seeing this guy and that he is cooler than I am. I honestly just met this guy around the same time she started becoming distant. We even worked together the weekend she was seeing him. She hangs up on me and the next day is texting and calling to apologize for dumping me so harshly. I give it a day and then we talked and I play it off like it's no big deal and that it just wasn't meant to be obviously. I also told her that I can now see what kind of person she truly is.

This is my first real relationship, and the first girl I ever loved. I'm so lost right now, and I feel so manipulated. I have sheltered myself from relationships like this, because I was afraid of this happening. I took a chance and got smashed.

I have been going out every night with friends and trying to have a good time, just to show her that I'm moving on, but I can't. It's so tough. Sorry this is so long, but this is the first time I have been able to rant to an unbiased party. Any advice would help! Thanks!

She is picking up the rest of her stuff later today. We haven't spoke since Sunday. Also, I hung out with the guy she has been seeing a couple nights ago and was very cordial to him. She was texting him all night while I was sitting there. Why am I doing this to myself?

Also, she has HPV, and I'm pretty sure I'm a carrier now.

Forget her , anyone you want

[FULLofRACQUET]

One week with NC!
I've been keeping myself very busy, and I have been thinking of her a lot less.

Girls are starting to appear out of the woodwork once I picked up some hobbies and started getting out every night.

I'm still cleaning up the mess that my ex left (i.e. leaving me with no apartment and no roommate with one week before I have to move out). This is actually becoming fun though! It will be nice finding a new place and shedding this place with all of the unwanted memories.

I do have a quick question though...

I have been keeping up with the NC, and I haven't been looking at her online profiles, but I will be having a college course with her in exactly a week. How do I keep NC, but show her that what she did to me didn't bother me and actually was for the best (even though it hurt like hell)?

Thanks everyone for the support, and I'm sorry for backlashing at some responders. I know your intentions were good, but I was just bitter at the time, and even though what you were saying was right, I just didn't want to hear it. Looking back at your posts you were right and I'm sorry for being an a**!

So, if anyone can give me advice on what to do with the NC, but being forced to see her, that would be helpful. I just need some different perspectives on this matter.

[MDGadgetGuy]

Dear FullofRacquet- Allheart has some great insight for you. I would like to elaborate on her post. Although this is a very traumatic relationship for you, it is beneficial to experience life. What does not destroy us makes us stronger. I know there were qualities that drew you to this person in the first place however it goes to show you what is easy to miss while viewing the surface.

Your instincts are very good and you need to learn how to trust them. There are always others out there who can appreciate the unique person you are. In my experience I learned that when I fall in love with a troubled person, I waste much time and energy that I could have been giving the right person.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. With mistakes comes learning. Having bad relationships is good in a way because it helps you really know when you have found the right person.

[FULLofRACQUET]

You know what was crazy! I'm a writer, so I document a lot of my thoughts and feelings about everything that is occurring in my life. I went back in one of my notebooks, and it is almost like I predicted everything that was going to happen. Everything I wrote pretty much came to manifest itself. I totally forgot that I wrote these things, but it was talking about the distance between us, how she must be seeing somebody else, that I am not giving her everything that she needs. It's almost like my subconscious was throwing warning signs in front of my face, but I allowed lust to blind me from these warnings.

I do feel like now that I should trust my instincts more and go for what I want.

Thanks for your insight MDGadgetGuy! Also, Allheart has some beautiful insight, and I thank you as well! Your words were comforting during my roughest patch!


Any advice on me having to see her in a week? I have had NC for one week!

[talaniman]

When seeing an ex, and still in the healing process, be sure to be polite, but unavailable, and keep the conversation brief, but impersonal. Never initiate. Hi and bye, is not rude, but never be dragged into a talk about what you have been through, nor fall for the I miss you or can we try again and above all, lets be friends. Okay is a good answer, and being busy is the action. Never argue, when you can leave.

Busy, and unavailable, (sorry, but I have something to take care of, we can talk later), is the way to go in my opinion. Never let them see you sweat, meaning put on that happy face and attitude and make it real, don't wear your heart on your sleeve.

The greatest coping skill to develop for yourself, is the ability to focus on whats important, and not be distracted by the sideshow. Never let anyone push your buttons, and know when that's what they are doing.

[MDGadgetGuy]

Hi FullofRacquet- Although I know you will be hurting inside it may be therapeutic to not respond to her negatively. People who are troubled often interpret things differently than you may expect. I would just be friendly, you don't have to talk with her- but at the same time if she asks you a question -be polite - don't initiate anything. If you talk let her do the initiating. The best thing you can do is try not to slip into the parent-child role. Treat her like an adult and you will thank yourself later. Remember something good has come out of this experience. She has taught you more about yourself.

[FULLofRACQUET]

I have been nothing but cordial to her since the breakup, which I believe is the right thing to do. Even though I haven't spoken to her since she left last week. Like they say, two wrongs don't make a right. Hopefully, she realized what a genuinely, caring person I am and that she isn't going to break my spirit. Sure, I hit a rough patch right after the breakup, but now I feel like I am making a fast and steady recovery. I'm just afraid that when I see her, that I might break. I have removed everything that she gave me or we got together from my apartment, her # is no longer in my phone, I don't look at her online profiles anymore, so I'm just afraid that once I see her and hear her again, that my feelings might explode. I don't know if for better or for worse, but I guess this is living. You never know what is going to happen. That's why we play this crazy game.
I'm glad I get to have a class with her though, so twice a week, she can see what she is missing :)
I am a little nervous though about that first encounter...

[MDGadgetGuy]

Hi FullofRacquet- I'm glad to hear you are moving forward. Keep in mind you still may need to mourn the relationship ending. This is quite normal. Remember a positive attitude brings positive things. You will be fine and remarkably seasoned for that new girl that comes around.

[talaniman]

Understandable.

[Janmarie]

You know what was crazy!? I'm a writer, so I document a lot of my thoughts and feelings about everything that is occurring in my life. I went back in one of my notebooks, and it is almost like I predicted everything that was going to happen. Everything i wrote pretty much came to manifest itself. I totally forgot that I wrote these things, but it was talking about the distance between us, how she must be seeing somebody else, that I am not giving her everything that she needs. It's almost like my subconscious was throwing warning signs in front of my face, but I allowed lust to blind me from these warnings.

I am so glad you wrote this. Can I point out something to you? Well I am going to anyway. I want to show you something very important.

Do you know that you are a Powerful Creator of your own reality? If you didn't know that, just look back at your writings in your journal and that should be proof enough that you actually designed this whole situation.

You know what was crazy!? I'm a writer, so I document a lot of my thoughts and feelings about everything that is occurring in my life. I went back in one of my notebooks, and it is almost like I predicted everything that was going to happen. Everything i wrote pretty much came to manifest itself.

The experiences you have been through in your relationship have not come about by chance, nor have they been caused by outside factors or circumstances. Something you have done has brought about these results. You are in control of what happens to you. So whatyou were thinking about atthe time you wrote those things and dwelled on for days have been negative thoughts as if you were asking for those things to happen.

Remember that there are only two ways you can look at a situation or event. Positively or negatively. Your thoughts create your reality. So you have to choose your thoughts wisely. One of the universal laws is that whatever you ask for you will recieve. You may not have come out and said that this is what you desired but your negative thinking caused your subconscious mind to materialize it in your reality. Once you realize this then there really is no one that could be blamed for it. And once you are aware of your thoughts and thinking pattern you can actually change any situation into a more desirable reality. So instead of pondering and worrying about how to handle being around her in class....begin to focus on a more desirable, positive outcome when you do run into her.

I can go into more detail on how to change any situation in your life to a positive one but
if anything, I want you to take from this is to always choose your thoughts wisely. You have proven it to yourself how powerful your thoughts are.

[FULLofRACQUET]

I totally agree with you Janmarie!

Before I started dating her, I was actually studying the Laws of Attraction. I even remember asking the universe for HER! It didn't seem plausible at the time, but that is what happened! I lost sight of that, and now realizing that I created this world for myself makes me sick! Lol.

I'm really glad that you responded to that, because right after I wrote that post, I realized that I manifested the events through my negative thinking, and my subconscious took over and created this world for me. It's crazy how things like that work. You are right though, I should try thinking more positive, and focus my energy on a happy and healthy life for myself and those around me. Even her.

[Janmarie]

I have done the same things and for some reason you needed to learn this lesson and I feel that you have.

You are, we all are, deliberate thinkers. We can choose what we want to think about. The ego mind which is such a fearful part of us always looks at possible outcomes in a negative way...maybe to try and protect itself from being hurt but in doing so it thinks continuously about bad things that could happen, it is suspicious of everything and when thought of enough it will come true. So thinking your love is cheating on you because she came home late...eventually it will be a reality. I am not sure if that is what happened in your thinking process but what ever it was it eventually happened.

Training your thoughts is not as easy as said especially if you don't know how to effectively do it. But if you start now it will become second nature to you real soon and you will see a dramatic shift in what you experience on a daily basis and trust me...you will feel so good.

[hjpan]

You do realize you can take her to court for passing HPV to you?
If she did not inform you, that is a serious matter...

Besides that, she's a wh0re... seriously, sexing it up with guys cause you're drunk?
I was drunk but I was able to keep my weinie in my pants...

[FULLofRACQUET]

She claimed that she found out about it during our relationship. That was a sickening day when she told me that. Because she followed that up with, "I have no idea who I could have gotten it from either." Showing that she was playing around a lot more before the two of us than I ever imagined. RED FLAG. RED FLAG. And I looked right through it. Lesson Learned.