[happy_jester]

To be honest,I'm rather confused,"ch00ch00" so perhaps you could explain to me
Then we may be able to help you further.

The following has been posted by YOU...

I put up with so much from this girl!

Please explain exactly what you've had to put up with,as your past has a link to the
present

well I told her she is the best girlfriend I ever had and that I'm lucky to have her in my life! But I don't want to tell her stuff like that all the time because I get worrid she mite take advantage of that because she told she has be fore in the past

How will she take advantage & when has she before?

[ch00ch00]

Well when we first started going out she lied a lot kept secrets and did stuff that annoys me and just resently I told her not to talk to one of her ex boi frens and she said OK! But I got on her myspace page and she was talking to hym and daleting the messages. But the reason I love her so much is this is my first love and the only girl besides my family I actually cared about. Cares about me she tell every one how I'm such a good boyfriend and that she scared to loose me.and I can't let this girl go even if I wanted to.and she took advatage be for byplaying of my trust and kindness torwds her she hasn't done it sense but I'm woeey she would do ot again

[happy_jester]

Just resently i told her not to talk to one of her ex boi frens

"ch00ch00" I've quoted you above. After reading this,would you accept that,as this
Girl would see it,you're being too possessive of her?

If so,then this would explain why she is behaving the way she does.

Can you accept that?

[ch00ch00]

Yes I can but I'm very protecteive of her and worry about losing her. But once I told my ex high and she went balistic and got all mad! I just want her to treat me with th same respect I treat her with. So if she asks me not to do something I won't do it and I want her to do the same

[Chery]

First it's a closeness issue after coming back from a vacation.
Was this a vacation with friends, family, or a group of strangers? Maybe she had a chance to get to know someone else and does not know what to do with the situation - she could feel guilty, it could be all new to her and she is on an emotional roller-coaster. Young people go through this many times in their lives and it's normal. Just the way it is handled is different with each case. She could also feel that you have turned colder since her return.. could be that you resented her going in the first place.

I am taking a dare here and assuming that your culture is not all western - and this could also be a factor. When you mentioned 'family' and that you both vowed to be together for the rest of your lives, this might be the normal procedure for you, but that does not mean emotions don't get involved and a heart has different feelings than what cultural rules dictate.

You also mentioned an 'infection' but did not indicate what type. Nevertheless, she got it too and naturally any girl will be worried about catching something and this can be a real turn-off because of the doubts involved that you might not be as faithful as you claim.

Telling someone on the phone or on myspace that you love them means nothing... actions speak louder than words i.e. tenderness, courtiousness, just putting your arm around her and not expecting more. There is a song out that goes like this: 'it's hard to kiss the lips at night, that chew your out all day long', so you also have to make sure she feels warm and secure with you during the day and not chastised for every little thing she does wrong.

As for the ex... what right have you got to 'forbid' anyone from communicating with another?? You don't own her and never will. A partnership is based on trust and understanding, not controlling and molding her into what you perceive as 'perfection' just to make you happy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting your partner communicate with others - and if you act right, she might even share and laugh about the interaction she has with others. I bet you would not let her tell you who to speak to or refuse to let you go out with your friends to have some fun... so don't expect her to exclude all other people from her life - that will never work. Getting on to someone else's myspace is invading their privacy and showing distrust - does she do things like that to you? How would you feel if your roles were reversed?

You don't want to tell her how much you appreciate her and how important she is to you?? Why not. A woman deserves that and needs to feel appreciated and that you are willing to support her in ideas and actions - even if you don't totally agree with them. As I said before, just saying things all the time gets old and we start not to believe them - we need to feel that you care and appreciate us, so you do have some work to do if you want to keep her.


You were also not specific in regards to what she lied to you about... could it be that she was taught to tell you what you want to hear and to pretend that all is well because you really don't want to have little unconfortable discussions - except for when you tell her what you don't want her to do from now on. Hey, get real, stop trying to control her and demand she gives you only the answers that you want. She is a human being with feelings and differences of opinions and has a right to express them whether you like them or not. That's life - sharing ideas and getting to know each other and when you really love each other, you understand that she does not always have to have the same views on life as you do. That's what makes us and life special, our differences and how we handle them.

So, if as you say, you NEED to stay with this girl, even if you might not want to (which is confusing as heck for me) you will have to do a lot of work and communication to ensure that you both can be happy in this relationship. If not, let her go and find happiness elsewhere, and you do the same. You might just be doing both of you a favor - no matter what culture dictates or what parents think.

This is not the dark-ages and life is too short.

[ch00ch00]

Well she is very controlling to! The reason I get mad is because she's asked me not to talk to my exs and I haven't sense she asked me not to! And I asked her to do the same and she sayed OK I promise I won't! But sense we been going out she talked to 4 of them not 1 but 4!! And she reads every last one of my myspace messages I don't mind but I do mind when she tells me me I could do the same and then she gets mad at me for doing it! I have no problem leting her talk to others but when she hide it and admits to telling me she wasn't ever going to tell me that a big deal to me. But I had a staff infection about 4 months ago that she recently caught about a week before her vaction! And her vaction was with all her close relitives... and you asked what she lied about I could right up a list of things! And we have talked many times about telling each other the truth and nuthing less I've done so but she hasn't always! And I don't baleav there should be any privacy between us wev both said that and she deminstrated that by reading text messages, myspace message, anything I have written down! Etc! And you said just saying things gets old! I do my best to demenstrate it at all tymes! I treat he the way she like to be treated and all the time she says I'm to good to her! And asks why I treat her so good! But a problem I have with her is her decision makeibg when it comes to us and are relationship. I did say I don't want to tell her how much I appreicate her! But I do everyday! I never resented her going on this vaction of hers but sense a couple of dasy be for she lft until now there's been a change in her and she doesn't seem to thk so..

[ch00ch00]

But should I ignor the fact that she wants me to do everything she wants and doent want to do any thing I ask of her??

[Chery]

Every time you answer, you reveal more... and talk about confusing! What's confusing me is why in the heck you are still with this girl.

You should be out looking for a more compatible, compassionate person who respects you and treats you right. In my opinion, you two have not trusted each other for a long time, so why stay? Trust is a very important part of any relationship and if you are not happy with her you should tell her it's time to move on and chalk this up as a very hard lesson learned.

She is still hiding something from you and it does not sound as if this situation is going to get any better.

I know a break-up and subsequent rejections can hurt, but I promise, you will survive and heal and regain your self-respect.

Right now, it sounds more like a constant two-days a week 'debate' instead of a relationship that would have a chance to grow and develop into a real partnership because neither one of you sound mature enough to be able to build anything but mistrust and resentment in this one. So, do yourself a favor and decide what it is you really want in your life. Sometimes we just THINK we are in love, until we are faced with what you are unhappily experiencing right now - and believe me - it will not get better because there does not seem to be any honesty and trust anymore. And when it comes to personal happiness - the 'family' should not dictate who you should spend your life with.

It's your choice, but you should really think of your future happiness and peace of mind - life is too short to constantly be in doubt and frustration. And the stress caused by all of this can actually make you physically ill - so think of your health too. So, you have two choices: stay with her and be miserable or work on your wellbeing and happiness.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

A broken heart can be healed in time, the sooner you start, the better.

[happy_jester]

She is still hiding something from you

Now we've got to the REAL CRUX of this question.

I'm very protective of her and worry about loosing her

"ch00ch00" you've admitted,YOURSELF,that you're far too protective of this girl.

This is why this girl is hiding something from you,and she is VERY afraid of a very angry response from you.

[ch00ch00]

It's hard to let this girl go!! Out of all the girls I been with she's the only one I cared about! I been trying to go by this saying I head ~RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK THROW THE PROBLEMS TOGETHER~ we broke up a couple of times but every time we get back together! There's been resent stuff that's been going on that seem to bring us futhur apart I ask her and she doesn't seem to thk so.


I told her today we live in the same city and have a long distance relationship! We wev only seen each other once a week sense she got back 4rm her vaction and I don't no why? Like 2 weeks ago my fone got turned off and were were only talking throw text messages and myspace! For a little over a week! She told me that we were falling apart because of that! Then finally my fone was turned on and every time I asked her if she wanted to tlk she had an excuse of why she cant! And they were the worst excuse I heard in the longest of time! Once she told me she can't because she was bizzy, so I asked her what she was doing? And she was watching some one play a game! I tried several times to make plans to do something with her and she flakes on me. Or something else happens! And yes your right I am to protective of her! And I just reaized it! But she's the same way most the time! You said she scared of an angary responses I baleave that's true because once she thought I was going to hit her because I turned was walking towards her fastly! That's something I would never do is put my hands on a female I told her this many times but I don't no if she truly baleaves me! And I no there's better girls out there chery! But something draws me to her! She tells me I'm to good for her and she don't deserve me and I should find someone else!


I don't baleave myself to be better then any one we were all created equaly! I just don't think she sees what she's doing most the time! I'm not trying to say that I haven't done nothing wrong because I have and I tell her what I do wrong and appoligize! She doesn't do that all the time and nlames me for lots of things going wrong!

[Romefalls19]

You need to let this girl go, it's messing with your emotions and you deserve better. End it with her, delete her number, myspace and anyway you can contact her. Go out with friends to keep your mind off her, it will get better in time.

[happy_jester]

You need to let this girl go, it's messing with your emotions

"ch00ch00" you need to let this girl go, for good reasons:----

It's messing with your emotions,and therefore causing you the urge to control this girl's life,which is NOT healthy. :(

You should really think of your future happiness and peace of mind

This is another very good reason to split up with this girl.

[Chery]

it's hard to let this gurl go!!! out of all the girls i been with shes the only one i cared about!! i been trying to go by this saying i head ~RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK THROW THE PROBLEMS TOGETHER~ we broke up a couple of times but every time we get back together!! theres been resent stuff thats been going on that seem to bring us futhur apart i ask her and she dosent seem to thk so.


i told her today we live in the same city and have a long distance relationship!! we wev only seen each other once a week sence she got back 4rm her vaction and i dont no why? like 2 weeks ago my fone got turned off and were were only talking throw txt msgs and myspace!! for a lil over a week!! she told me that we were falling apart because of that!! then finally my fone was turned on and every time i asked her if she wanted to tlk she had an excuse of why she cant!! and they were the worst excuse i heard in the longest of time!! once she told me she can't because she was bizzy, so i asked her wat she was doing? and she was watching some one play a game!! i tried several times to make plans to do some thing with her and she flakes on me. or something else happens! and yes your right i am to protective of her!! and i just reaized it!! but shes the same way most the time!! you said she scared of an angary responces i baleave thats true because once she thought i was gona hit her because i turned was walking towards her fastly!! thats something i would never do is put my hands on a female i told her this many times but i dont no if she truely baleaves me!! and i no theres better girls out there chery!! but something draws me to her!! she tells me im to good for her and she dont deserve me and i should find someone else!!


i dont baleave myself to be better then any one we were all created equaly!! i just dont think she sees what shes doing most the time!! im not trying to say that i havent done nothing wrong because i have and i tell her what i do wrong and appoligize!! she dosent do that all the time and nlames me for lots of things going wrong!!

I'm sorry, but this is getting the best of me... Did you know that there are actually words with capital letters at the beginning of sentences? Also, that there is a spell-checker available with the click of a button? I'm from the old school and appreciate reading at least high-school level literature and messages. I don't care for sms short-hand because I believe that if constantly used, one can actually forget how to spell a simple word correctly just out of bad habit.

As for your relationship - we have tried to 'rationalize', get a better insight with more information coming in from you, and advise accordingly. Still, you make excuses for her, or whine over her mistreatment of you. Grow up, be a man, and set yourself some higher goals in a relationship - such as trust, truth, communication - and forget about all the other girls you had in the past - that's over, and comparing her to them is not doing you or her any good. Just let her go and give her a chance to grow up and face life without being so 'iffy' herself. She might need some time to herself to mature and decide what she really wants in life and nobody can hold her hand to guide her... we have to live and learn all on our own to get stronger and more confident.

You are both inflicting a lot of 'negative energy' on each other, and that is very childish and counterproductive.

So, now take our advice or leave it, but do something like take the next step to adulthood, it might surprise you... Another thing, treat others with the same respect you would like to be treated and accept that it's human to make mistakes and survive.

Sorry to sound so harsh dear, but sometimes we need a little push and also have those rose-colored glasses taken off. We are human, will make mistakes and learn from them and life goes on - THAT'S a FACT!

[happy_jester]

Set yourself some higher goals in a relationship - such as trust, truth, communication

"ch00ch00" by doing what I've quoted above,if once started you are consistent with it,
This will help you to mature in any relationships,of which you are involved...

... both now & in the future. :)

[ch00ch00]

Thank all of you very much for your time and advice!