[sokay]

Thank you, Confused!

I guess I'll try to be more succinct and maybe not get logged off this time!

Realitybites, I meant to say I think there must be some weird reason our two guys need to 'play pretend' that they have these 'dire obligations' that really don't belong to them. Must need to feel needed. But don't need to feel needed by us I guess. Or maybe that just isn't enough. Your guy with his nephew, sister, and mom, and ___ (I'm sure there's more). My guy with his parents, parents' dogs, his grown nephew (whom he calls his brother) and said nephew's child and wife, and also his other friends (another couple from that city and their children and their extended family).

Yes, as long as we keep contact to them in any way, they will keep being the same and not change. And I agree, I wish mine would change too, but I guess reality says he won't.

In above post I said Joe says he saw a counselor. I'm sure the counselor has good intentions, but he inadvertently misadvised him. Probably because Joe isn't telling the whole story, or doesn't even understand the whole story. The counselor told Joe he needs to stop being 'Mr. Fix It'. And just give a listening ear instead. I disagree, because that is not what our problem is. If the counselor knew the truth of what our problems are, he'd know Joe hasn't fixed the problems I've complained to him about. He's just continued them. Anyhow I don't think Joe will ever understand. Even though I've explained it point blank to him a million times, he just looks around for another solution, instead of just believing me.

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Dysfunction is addicting, isn't it? I guess it's human nature -- or woman's nature -- to think if we're just patient... if we just love more... we can fix it.

There's one thing you and I are both doing wrong. We're answering that phone. I've broken up with mine more than once, but he calls and cries, pleads, begs, and I give him another chance. Yet, in the past year NOTHING has changed, and it's not going to. All I'm doing (everyone is right) is enabling him just like his family does. I allow him to continue as is. He has the right to continue as is and to be happy with his life, but he has to realize he won't have me in it if that's the way he's going to live. Same with yours. It's not about what you need or want. It's about him stepping up to the plate and living like an adult man, not an adolescent teen -- if he wants to be with you.

Mine agreed to move close to me. He agreed to leave his family, but the condition was he had to go back once a month to visit. He's never had a job! He's not going to make the money to go home to visit once a month. He lives over 2,000 miles away. So he would count on me to help. Honestly, he makes me sick. And the repulsion is starting to be stronger than the love.

The only way to get away from the mess is to cut all contact. That's hard, isn't it? If they show up on our doorstep, it's not answering the door or the phone. If they hang out for hours when we don't speak to them, it's calling the police. I know that's low down, but I don't want peter friggin pan, and I don't need a sulking stalker either. Does yours cry? I mean, shed tears and sob because "you're being so mean by not understanding."

If yours wants you back, he knows what to do. Same with mine. Continuing to communicate with them is just giving them a reason to hang on. They're not going to change. Mine is in his thirties, pushing 40's.

But see, there's this fairy tale playing in my head that says if you just wait a little longer, if you just answer that phone when he calls so he knows you're still there... he'll change. Too bad I know better than to listen to that fairy tale.

Sorry if I sound bitter this morning Mine left me nasty emails because he called, and I was asleep. I had a rough day yesterday. I'm sunburned and blistered. Worse yet, my ex sister-in-law's hubby died at 50 years old from a heart attack. She and I are friendly, but not close. Still, it makes you think... "dang, life is so short, and I'm wasting it on THAT?" So now mine says I must not love him anymore because all he wanted to do was say good night and I didn't answer the phone. Of course, he's fishing for the "of course I still love you" because that's his open door to worm his way back in.

I'm glad I found you here. I don't know a way to give you my email addy on here, but if you do, let me know. Maybe instead of answering the phone when he calls, you can email me instead. I know it's HARD to break away because we care and have hopes (even if they're not realistic), but I think that's what we both need to do. I do anyway.

Joe's never cried in front of me, just got teary sometimes. He's also done similar as yours about needing to travel back to see his family once a month. Now I'm sorry, but in my opinion that is not normal. Yours is near 40, so is Joe. Your man should be able to go without seeing his sister or her child for one month, I can see wanting a get together maybe once or twice a year, but not once a month traveling back to another city to see her, and at the expense of the life he should be building with you. I'm trying to think of how many married men I know that do that. And I can think of none. But I'm sure your man's trying to make you feel that this is all very normal and healthy, and that you're wrong for expecting him to put you first.

My man does very similar behavior. Where he says if we were married he'd give up his cultish devotion to his parents' dogs, his friends-from-another-city and their families, etc. But then that he'd still need to see them once in a while. (as I pointed out he said that before then 'snuck off' to be with them.) It's just all so bizarre. It wouldn't be an issue anyway if he weren't so weird about it. I mean, they can and will survive and thrive without him!

Hmm... Joe's texting asking for another chance, and he emailed me saying he wants to come see me tonight so we can talk. I imagine he plans to camp in my driveway again. I think tonight might be a good night to do some shopping, maybe go look at some landscaping stuff...

Is this one of those situations where you can write them back to tell them 'no don't come over I have plans and don't want to talk', or is it better just to avoid/ignore till they get bored and go away?