Hi everyone, I'm going through a similar situation as someone else on here recently (only my guy 'Joe' didn't gamble, it was different stuff). Sorry that this is long.
We've been together since September last year so about 8.5 months. 'Joe' does nice things such as bring flowers, takes me out for dinner, helps with some stuff around my house like minor car upkeep or assemble prefab furniture, stuff like that. And he can be nice. Doesn't hit me or anything. So it's not that he's the devil himself or anything.
But there's lots of little problems and also bigger issues. I tried a million times to express concerns about things I either didn't like or was concerned about. But they never really changed.
Some little things: he make subtle put downs to my appearance such as suggest my hair is too frizzy or my feet are funny looking or my complexion isn't the best, etc. It's all true, but he shouldn't be pointing out my gray hairs to me I don't think. To top it off the thing is it sounds shallow but 'Joe' is actually somewhat homely and I didn't want to date him at first, though I thought he seemed nice, but it's hard to get past if someone's teeth are bad, etc. And after a long thought I thought I should give it a try and I did quickly get past it and always saw him as a person from the start. Of course I never said anything to him about this. At first I just made an excuse that I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I didn't see any need to insult him.
'Joe' also laughs at me if I do something like trip or make a mistake or spill something even if we're in public. I told him I didn't like it and he says I need to lighten up I can't take a joke. But I say I don't think he's acting like a friend. And he doesn't think my cooking is all that good. And he is very friendly and overly concerned about strangers particularly women. He talks about and to other women in this manner all the time right in front of me or to me, and I told him I didn't like it. Sometimes it seems like he's trying harder to be charming and concerned about strange (I mean strangers) women (salesgirls, waitresses, you name it) than me. On the other hand, he can lack empathy toward me and others sometimes and it's hard to understand. His humor can be a bit mean-spirited. Also he acts pretty arrogant toward me sometimes and also bossy sometimes when he's doing a favor for me (Do this. Do that.) and I don't know why. I guess it's like a payback, but I'm not being mean to him so I don't get it.
Bigger things: He was married for a few years but has been divorced for well over 10 years. He's almost 40 and lives with his parents and has for several years, and seems more or less content with that. He works at home for his dad. He makes some money that way but not enough to live on his own. He shows very little motivation to change any of it. He's said many times that he loves me and wants to marry me. I bring up my concerns to him that it appears he does not want to leave the nest. But nothing really changes. I do have my own job and support myself.
From what I can see he has some issues about being overly dependent on certain friends of his and on his dogs. It's pretty hard to explain. For the first 6 or 7 months we were together he constantly gave me guilt trips about being away from 'his dogs' (actually the family's 2 dogs). And told me he didn't think his dogs would like me because I was taking him away from them. He did this about once or twice per date, so about 3-4 times a week. He even didn't want to stay the night with me sometimes because he was worried about his dogs. And we only saw each other Saturdays, and some Fridays. One date, he even called home to his dad to check on the dogs, twice, because supposedly they seemed nervous that morning. All this and the dogs weren't even alone, as I mentioned that they live at his parents house. Even though I told him I didn't want to hear it anymore. He finally stopped about a month ago, after I told him enough was enough and not to mention them anymore because I'd reached my limit. He also tells me his dad is mad at him when he stays the night with me because he should be at home taking care of his mother, the dogs, the business, whatever. That's what 'Joe' says, I don't know if it's true, I've met his dad twice and he was nice to me, and his mom once and she was nice to me also.
He does similar things with his friends. He has two sets of friends, two couples, whom he used to talk about all the time. Bragging in fact about how great the wives of his friends were, even telling me they were better than me at some things such as cooking or organizing. Those couples both live in the same city as each other but different from our city, a few hundred miles away. 'Joe' informed me about what a tight knit group they were and they were his family and basically made me feel like they were first and I was an outsider, just like he does with his dogs. The two guy friends call him but moreover their wives call him. He said once 'Sally' called him a lot to ask about 'intimacy issues' between her and her husband, who is 'Joe''s friend. I told him I wasn't OK with that and it should stop. But she still called one time while he was at my house on an unexpected weeknight.
Then the other friend's wife 'Betty', apparently shortly before I started dating my guy, he was in their city and staying the night at their house partying, and she was drunk (he says she's an alcoholic) and tried to make out with him outside his room before he went to bed. That's what he told me anyway, I obviously don't know what really happened. Well, of course I'm not OK with that, but after he told me that, he actually wanted me to go to their city and stay at their house. He said 'You'll love them, they'll treat you like family'. I said no way because of above-mentioned situation. One time Betty's husband called while Joe was at my house, and Joe told the husband, "Oh, is that Betty? Tell her I miss her!". This was after he'd told me about her supposedly putting the moves on him. So I asked him if he thought that was just encouraging her. He said she's his family, and he's so concerned about her because of her husband, Joe's 'friend', doesn't treat her that well, and probably drives her to drink. I said she's not your family, I have family and they don't try to make out with me. And he's even worse with talking endlessly about the other friend's wife 'Sally'.
Well last weekend he decided to sneak off to their city to party with them all and attend a concert and probably stay at their house (he didn't admit that part). He lied and told me he was going fishing for a couple days here in the area, but I smelled a rat and called him on it and after about 20 minutes he finally admitted he was lying and was going there.
Don't get me wrong. I think it's great for a guy to have friends or dogs, but with him it's almost like a cult-like devotion to them. There's way more examples of what I mean by this, if needed. It's just a lot to type, (and for you to read). Perhaps I've said enough. Anyway I broke up with him then, soon after he told me he had been lying about the fishing trip and was going to their city. I told him to go, and it sounded like he made his choices. I also told him even if it wasn't this particular incident, these same issues were always going to be a bone of contention between us. The way he constantly let me know they were all so very tight and I was not part of it... and all the guilt trips. Well he went. He probably came back around Tue or Wed. Since Thurs he's been texting, emailing, or leaving voicemails. He says he's sorry, and he regrets things, and that he misses me. Last text today he asked if it was so bad that I won't even talk to him?
I think the crux of things is that he is already married. To two couples from the city he lived in years ago. Their children are his children. The wives are his wives. To be admired and put on a pedestal. And I'm just a convenient outsider, a poor substitution for the real thing.
I wanted it to work, I tried and talked myself blue trying to communicate with him, but I just don't see how things are improving really. Don't know if they can. There are good qualities about him. I'm not trying to be punitive by not getting back to him, I just think if we're going to break up we should just do it, false hope isn't a good thing for either of us. I'd like some feedback when anyone has a chance. And once again I'm sorry it's long. There's a lot more details but I didn't want you to have to read a novel.
