[lavenderly]

A woman is confusing. A woman who just broke up is doubly confusing. A woman who just broke up and is carrying a baby is triply (if there is such word) confusing.

She cannot make up her mind yet on what to do with this situation. You have been doing well by staying by her side. But do not press for more answers from her about her feelings, just for the time being, until her child is born.

Why is she making nasty remarks and pissing u off?

Take for instance, when u were still a kid, u were in bad mood and told your mum to get out of your life forever. Mum remained cool and still check on u once in a while, especially on your wound that u got when u fell off the bike. U miss your mum but u cannot tell her that on her face. When she asks whether u miss her, are u going to say "yeah...i miss u and im sorry i said what i said" or would u say "whatever...stay out of my room!"?

You may apologize if u really love your mum. But in your girl's situation, she is UNCERTAIN whether she loves u or she wants to love u for her child's sake. She is also facing raging hormones and perhaps external advice that confuse her. So she takes it out on you by making sacrcastic comments.

If you are expecting her to apologize and stop the crap you are getting, there is rare chance. At this moment, YOU will have to do all the work in the relationship. She is after all, PREGNANT. However, your efforts might pay off in the long run.

If she treats u with spite and yet misses u (if her friend is trustworthy), you already play a major role in her life. For once, try to be more humble and accept her "test" of your patience. Imagine... if your mum keeps coming back to u despite your yells at her to stay away, u will one day be touched.

Good luck =)

[mafiaangel180]

Ok, so she broke up with you 8 weeks ago, and after that she said she was pregnant? Oh man, I hate to be the insensitive one in the bunch, but are you sure she's pregnant and it isn't some way of holding on to you? And if she is pregnant, this news DID come after your break up so I would recommend getting a dna test. I'm not saying you shouldn't believe her or whatever. But when a person is dumped, there is all this doubt in the air as it is. And some cold hard facts when it comes to something this big would be nice. I'm only saying this so you can watch out for numero uno.

*bracing myself*

[snuffy]

Ok, so she broke up with you 8 weeks ago, and after that she said she was pregnant? Oh man, I hate to be the insensitive one in the bunch, but are you sure she's pregnant and it isn't some way of holding on to you? And if she is pregnant, this news DID come after your break up so I would recommend getting a dna test. I'm not saying you shouldn't believe her or whatever. But when a person is dumped, there is all this doubt in the air as it is. And some cold hard facts when it comes to something this big would be nice. I'm only saying this so you can watch out for numero uno.

*bracing myself*

Definitely pregnant. I've been to the scan!

[snuffy]

It's getting worse and more bizarre.

I know the whole NC thing with an ex is important, but in my circumstances I cannot just do that- as much as I would like to. For she is pregnant so I have to be there to some degree to show my support, and because I am a good-natured person.


Now, I think she is hitting the self-destruct button and I am massively concerned. Let's remember she finished with me and she knew I was gutted about the whole thing. Then finding out she was pregnant, I took it well and thouht that I have to just make the most of the sitiuation. A pregnant ex who steadfastly states that she does not want to be with me at all. (quite why, she never has said.)

So, Friday evening, I went for a drink with a female friend (who I have known for 15 years) at a different bar. We are strictly friends and I'm quite clear on that. Anyway, my friends and my ex included, knew I was going out for a drink with this friend. They, on the other hand, were going to a local bar.

I got text messages FROM THE EX and from my friends who were in the same bar asking me if me and my female friend were coming over to the bar that they were in. I said I'll come on my own because I don't wan there to b any trouble with me coming in with a different girl. They insisted it was OK and suggested I come down to the pub. They promised it would be OK.


Anyway, so around midnight I came with the female friend to the bar, and intent on having a quiet drink and just socialise like a mature adult.

To my absolut ehorror, the pregnant ex was absolutely full-on drunk; had been heavily drinking and behaving erratically.

She knew fine well that this female friend was just a friend. Anyway, th ex took it upon herself to sit with a random guy from the bar (which is fine with me), but she was laughing out loud, exxagerating how great a time she was having and attention-whoring. It looked clear to me that she was trying to make me jealous at her having a good time with this other chap.

The truth of the matter is, she looked pathetic and desperate to make me jealous. I didn't feel an ounce of jealousy, I rather felt pity at her being so loud and erratic. Quite a number of my friends and others in the bar thought she was behaving terribly in front of me.

In any case I could sense a bad atmosphere brewing and decided that I would get up and leave the situation and keep my cool.

A couple of people (and I didn't tell them to do this) said to her that her heavy drinking was stupid and that she shouldn't be bhaving so disrespectfully around the father to be of her child. I said 'leave it'.

Then the guy who was sat with my ex said "I'm the babys daddy" which I ignored. My ex laughed and thought this was hilarious. So a friend of mine said 'it wouldn't surprise me if he was the father." At this point I decided I am definitely leaving the bar.

At this point my ex pushed me in the face quite violently (despite me being quiet, and not saying a word) then said to me "I swear to f**king god that you are no seeing thi sbaby when it is born." I still didn't react to her and just walked out and left the place.


It transpired that after I left people were saying to her that she wa sout of order for saying that to me when I hadn't done anything to deserve it, an dthey were telling her that also she should not be drinking so heavily when 18 weeks pregnant and that she shouldn't be behaving like that with a new guy in front of me.

The ex proceeded to hit two of the girls (including my female friend, who, incidentally, didn't want to leave when I did).

Then she got kicked out by the landlord of the bar.


So, why on earth is she acting this way, and why is she showing such lack of respect to me? I do not understand it.


Also, at about 3am she sent me a text message asking me to 'please ring her' so she could 'explain what went off.' Which is unlike her. I've never known her feel the need to explain herself to me. Why would she do this too?



I'm totally and utterly freaked out and cannot understan dher behavioru whatsoever. I'm terribly oncerned about her drinking, as the other people sitting in the bar were too...



Please advise. What should I do. Totally ignore her now for a few months or what??



Thanks, snuffy.

[KalFour]

Hi Snuffy,
Wow... And she said she doesn't want you to see the baby? If the poor kid manages to avoid getting foetal alcohol syndrome, it's still going to have a very temperamental mother to deal with as well as being in a single parent family.
I can't say I have any idea why she's behaving like this. I imagine she's pretty confused and upset by her situation. It doesn't justify what she said or did, but it's still best to try to be patient with her.
If you want to be involved in the child's life, best to try to keep things honest and polite with you and your ex, but it probably wouldn't hurt to distance yourself from her a little.
Good luck,
Kal

[simoneaugie]

Snuffy,

She was drunk. Alcohol causes emotion to rise above intellect. Her behavior and words were probably linked to real feelings she has. Not that you can do anything about it. Also, her body is hers. If she wants the baby to drink along with her, what can you do?

Please don't kick yourself or turn into a pretzel trying to figure it out. When she is sober, ask if she is willing to do a paternity test. If the baby is yours, then you need to decide what steps to take next. Her behavior indicates that she will be a poor mother. Are you willing to take full responsibility for the child?

Simone

[talaniman]

What's wrong with this picture. You accept an invitation to socialise at a bar you KNOW your prenant ex is at. Not a good decision. Don't let the actions of drunks color your common sense. And trying to be Mr. Nice guy in light of what you have already gone through, not a very good decision. Stay away from this fruitcake until the child is born, you know its yours, and send a child support check every month, and let the courts give you joint custody, and liberal visitations. You have been try to force her to accept your help and support, a long time and she has rebuffed you and been adament about you coming no where near her. She's a nut, leave her alone.

[snuffy]

Whats wrong with this picture. You accept an invitation to socialise at a bar you KNOW your prenant ex is at. Not a good decision. Don't let the actions of drunks color your common sense. And trying to be Mr. Nice guy in light of what you have already gone thru, not a very good decision. Stay away from this fruitcake until the child is born, you know its yours, and send a child support check every month, and let the courts give you joint custody, and liberal visitations. You have been try to force her to accept your help and support, a long time and she has rebuffed you and been adament about you coming no where near her. She's a nut, leave her alone.

She is adamant I don't come near her? YET, she appears at every party I attend, and asks me if I'm coming to the pub where she is. Something is anomalous here.

Her behaviour is 'nutty' as you say and seems irrational. I wish I coul dunderstand why she does what she does. Why feel the need to give me hassle. I don't ask her to join me out. I don't ask her to come to parties that I attend; it's her doing the asking.


She's pregnant - but what do you suggest? Abandon her entirely until shortly before birth?

And should I just sit and let her drink stupidly. It's my baby too.

[talaniman]

Snuffy, She is adamant I don't come near her? YET, she appears at every party I attend, and asks me if I'm coming to the pub where she is. Something is anomalous here.

Either you have mutual friends, which your last post says you do, or she is keeping an eye on you.

Her behaviour is 'nutty' as you say and seems irrational. I wish I coul dunderstand why she does what she does. Why feel the need to give me hassle. I don't ask her to join me out. I don't ask her to come to parties that I attend; it's her doing the asking.

Of course you never thought to avoid her, and stay out of trouble, she is a nut, a pregnant nut.

She's pregnant - but what do you suggest? Abandon her entirely until shortly before birth?

YES!!!! keep your distance until the child is born.

And should I just sit and let her drink stupidly. It's my baby too.

To date you have done nothing to stop her, or threatened to call social services, so you may as well leave her alone, unless your prepared to take action. If you aren't at the bar she may not be either, but she is a nut, so no telling.

[snuffy]

Hey all; most of you are probably familiar with my sordid story with the pregnant ex girlfriend.


So, I've been thinking: I know these are things that have been suggested to me before but ah well, I'm trying to add up things in my head:

(1) Ok - so she (as far as I know) still does not want to be with me. Fair enough; I understand why and how relationships end, and what role I may have played. Fair enough. I realise that once it's over, it's over. I can live with that quite happily.

(2) she's pregnant, tells me it is mine, in fact the other week she repeatedly told me it wa smine, she was drunk mind. The drunkenness may explain the repetition, or it could be that she doesn't know and is trying to convince me and hence herself too.

(3) I am grappling with the idea that the baby really is not mine - this is for a few reasons (I'm just guessing here because I don't know for sure.): Here is why:

(a) She has been absolutely adamant that she does not want to be with me. Totally dead against it, not even a 1% chance of even trying as far as I can gather. This in itself I find odd.

(b) I have accepted this and gave her every impression that I can deal with this and get on with her in a friendly way for the sake of the baby. However, as recent previous events demonstrate; she cannot be friendly with me at all, I am still getting a brick wall, even though I do not ever bring up our relationship. I get nastiness even from just saying hi how are you.

(c) She cheated before with me, at least once that I know of. And lied coldly about it, and would easily do it again. Showed no remorse whatever for doing it.

(d)
Is the brick wall she is putting up and the why behaviour there to keep me at a distance for when the does hit the fan.?


(3) she has already started using the baby as a weapon against me. I have already been threatened that I will not see it after it is born. Again she was drunk when she said it, but I did not even provoke that myself. Furthermore, even if I was to say something nasty back to her, it never justifies using the baby as leverage.

(4) The heavy drinking she is doing while carrying a babytotally eradicates any question in my mind of her being worth getting back. She is total and utter trash for doing this. Utterly selfish behaviour on her part. I have brought it up in a non judgemental way and she still thinks it is OK. Its her body though so her choice to risk the baby.

(5) I really, really am failing to comprehend why on arth I put up with her crap for so long when I was with her. I could and should have avoided all of this bulls**t before it happened and involved a new life (baby).


(6) The crappy behaviour and attitude to me: Why oh why oh why if you have even a modicum of decency would you treat another human being so disrespectfully. Especially one who is the putative father of your unborn baby, and one who has done the decent thing and stood by you despite being dumped and treated like all the time. I really really do not deserve this.


IT IS NOT THE FACT that she no longer wishes to be in a relationship with me that hurts me profoundly; it really isn't; I got over that part an drespect her wish to be free and to go out with who she likes. It is the continual hurtful way she is towards me which is giving me hell. I am supposedly to be a daddy soon, but I have to deal with this horrible human being for the rest of my life, and I really cannot be doing with her and her awful ways.


I WILL be seeking a dna test after birth; because I want to know that I am fighting for a being a guardian, protector and loving parent to my own kid, not someone else's. And as unfortunate as it may sound (it is certainly not sour grapes) but all the above says to me that she knows I may not be the father of this baby but can't tell me yet (if she will ever do so at all).



Lastly, the answer to the next part may be obvious, but why can I not speak to/be friends with , or for that matter date other women without her getting in a strop about it? Is it really jealousy or the proverbial DOG IN A MANGER situation??


If she doesn't want me then why can't I be allowed move on. I would understand
If it was me who dumped her; but since it is her who dumped me then it makes no sense whatsoever to me. I am not even jealous of her seeing there men. If she wants to then its her prerogative...


As I say - here is much much more to this whole nightmare situation that meets the eye.

My intution tells me there is something major that I do not yet know, but will come ou eventually. Watch thi sspace.


If anyone can shed some light or speculate what this whole crap is all about then please pass on your thoughts..

SNUFFY.

[twinkiedooter]

I read back on some of your questions to get some kind of handle on your situation.

I have a few questions for you... ok? How do you know she is pregnant? If she is, then just how far along is she?

The fact she is drunk so much of the time is not good for a fetus. That child is a good candidate for fetal alcohol deformities. Does this girl even know about the consequences she is literally giving to her unborn child?

Have you talked to her parents about you, she and the unborn child at all?

Don't understand her except it shouts GAME PLAYER big timein big neon signs to me.

[friend4u178]

Snuffy
Get the DNA tests and if its yours you have along road ahead because you have a responsibility to do your part , and if it is yours you will have rights to see the child. I suggest you go on the "Family Law" forum , there are people there who know the in's and out's of your rights far better than me.

If not yours run for the hills. This girl sounds nothing but trouble to me.

As far as you not being allowed to see other people that's just BS , don't let her decide that , you should be able to do as you please. She dumped you so not her choice.

[ampersandra]

Like what twinkiedooter has said, I would be wary about your ex making claims about being pregnant.

Beyond this, how is she harassing you? Isn't there any way for you to minimize contact with her? It honestly doesn't seem necessary to continue much communication with her until you can see for sure that there's a bulge in her belly and/or the baby is born so that you can do the DNA test.

The reason I say this is because YOU ARE LETTING HER AFFECT YOU TOO MUCH. Until everything can be proven, why should you even care about her insults against you? Why should you listen to her rant and rave about the people you're dating? I'm sure by now, you've already done your part in trying to convince her to stop drinking for the sake of the baby, etc. You've done what you could. There's no need to bear a larger burden than what you are responsible for and capable of. If she has trouble respecting you, that's her problem.

[talaniman]

Part, no, most of the problem is your listening to a crazy drunk. Disappear from her life until the baby is born.

[snuffy]

Like what twinkiedooter has said, I would be wary about your ex making claims about being pregnant.

Beyond this, how is she harassing you? Isn't there any way for you to minimize contact with her? It honestly doesn't seem necessary to continue much communication with her until you can see for sure that there's a bulge in her belly and/or the baby is born so that you can do the DNA test.

The reason I say this is because YOU ARE LETTING HER AFFECT YOU TOO MUCH. Until everything can be proven, why should you even care about her insults against you? Why should you listen to her rant and rave about the people you're dating? I'm sure by now, you've already done your part in trying to convince her to stop drinking for the sake of the baby, etc. You've done what you could. There's no need to bear a larger burden than what you are responsible for and capable of. If she has trouble respecting you, that's her problem.

She is definitely pregant; I have been to the 12 week scan.
Today is the 20 week one. I'm not going though as she wants her Mom there instead. I've asked for a picture.

I know I'm letting her affect me; it's because I'm worried about the baby, and she still has a hold on me because of the baby.

Yes she is bad bad news. But I can't just bail.

[talaniman]

yes she is bad bad news. But I can't just bail.

Don't look at it as bailing, see it as coping the best way you can, by protecting yourself, and staying healthy for what is to come.

[HistorianChick]

Mornin, Snuffy...

Well, I've followed your sordid story over the last posts and I must say that your ex is certainly a piece of work.

I think your answer as to why she "won't allow you to move on" is that she may be one of those girls that demands "If I can't/won't/don't have you NO ONE else will!" I'm sorry that you've had to find this out the hard way... you shouldn't have to deal with this.

As to the drinking and the baby... I wish I could tell you what to do to get her to stop endangering the life of this unborn innocent. We all know that drinking while pregnant is one of the worst things to do... Is there any way, since you are the proclaimed father, that you can get some kind of police order or court order for her? (I'm totally clueless as to this whole matter, but there has to be SOMETHING that you can do!)

I'm sorry, snuffy, you're handling this whole situation with stellar grace and compassion. Remember that you're better off without her... a fact I'm sure that you have firmly imprinted upon your mind.

Hope it gets better for you. Good luck! :)

[ampersandra]

She is definitely pregant; I have been to the 12 week scan.
Today is the 20 week one. I'm not going though as she wants her Mom there instead. I've asked for a picture.

I know I'm letting her affect me; it's cos i'm worried bout the baby, and she still has a hold on me cos of the baby.

yes she is bad bad news. But I can't just bail.

That's exactly the point. It's good that you're worrying about the baby, but make a differentiation between HER and THE BABY. It's not bailing out. Stop thinking that you are. What I'm suggesting is that you try to minimize contact with her until the results come out. You've done your part by asking her not to drink so much. What more can you REALLy do anyway? Are you going to force the bottle out of her hands?

I repeat: There's no need to bear a larger burden than what you are responsible for and capable of.

[mafiaangel180]

Ok so yeah the law basically states that you can't deny a pregnant woman a drink. But drinking binges are another story, can't you report her to (or at least call) child services and see what they have to say about that? If it helps prevent a sick baby that is what I would do. Then I would disappear until the kid is born, and have that DNA test.

[snuffy]

I have followed the advice of Talaniman: A further update:

Last night I was at my friend's house playing Poker (I won too!), and was having a drink with everybody. At round 11pm, predictably the ex girlfriend showed up.

Within minutes I just got up and left the house without telling anyone. Just walked home 4 miles away. (I enjoyed the walk in all honesty.)

Afetr an hour she tried calling me numerous times; I ignored the calls. I got a text at 2am asking where I ahd got to. I ignored it.

Then today about 3 hours ago, I got a text from her asking if 'she has done anything to piss me off. Again, I have not replied and don't intend to.

I'm doing the right thing aren't I?