[PAMD]

I do appreciate the honesty... I just don't know why it took 2 years for it to be an issue? Is it wrong for me to ask her about blended family counselling? I know it would be a challenge, but with so much of our lives to live after the children I think it would have been a wise investment. I also think she "thought" too much and did not follow her heart. She would have not been alone in the transition... the kids would adjust as well and with agreed guidelines and expectations I think that the stress could've been mitigated and hopefully wonderful bonds formed.

In a national survey of couples in stepfamilies we found that the top three anticipated stumbling blocks for couples related to children and stepfamily stress. 78% of couples expected difficulties dealing with stepfamily issues, 75% expected children to put a strain on their marriage, and 72% believed creating a stepfamily would stress their marriage (Deal & Olson, The Couple Checkup for Stepfamilies, unpublished manuscript).
They were right! On average, couples in stepfamilies have three times the amount of stress of couples in first marriages during the first few years (see Hetherington, For Better for For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002, p. 165).
Is there any good news? Yes. With time stress levels for couples in stepfamilies can fall to normal levels found in first marriages. Press on!

[Ash123]

I would not send a birthday card.
Choose another time/place.

This issue comes up a lot. NOT sending a card is NOT mean if you were broken up with.
It is the only card (literally) you have to play to make your presence felt and not use emotion as your angle...

[Ash123]

Do as you wish.
Not what I would recommend but go with your gut. No need to torture yourself.

I think the card carries too much personal emotional weight and may result in more pain if any change is desired - consciously or subconsciously.

[hettie]

She could have said earlier on she was ont a kid person I am not eith but I accepted my ec x boyfriend kid as part of OUR life even although they were mostly grown up for me I could NEVER be with a guy who had kids and didn't bother about them deadbeat dads just dontdo it for me kid should be your life if you have them its justi choose not to. I accept other peoples kids as we all have a history as well as a future.It sounds as if she has a lot of her own stuff going on but whe u are part of a couple she should be able t share these problems with u.It would seem that perhaps she is too caught upin her own situation to consider u at the moment and it may be she feels that it better if she focues on herself and leaves you to focus on your kids.I hope u get it sorted I don't think it would hurt to send a crd but remember this is a woman who let u and your kids get attached to her for two yearsthen upped and left not thinkibng how it would affect your kids so do u still really want to send it take care hope it work out

[talaniman]

What a situation! She feels one way and you another. There are no rights or wrongs but you both are at different places right now. Send her a simple card for her Birthday, but otherwise let her have plenty of time and space to deal with her personal issues with no pressure from you at all. You're a Dad so put your time into you and your family, and respect the exes feelings. You may not understand, but you can let her do what she feels necessary.

[PAMD]

My gosh I'm trying and trying... I just miss her sooo much, I mean not only was she my girlfriend but my BEST friend... I NEED to see her, talk to her, BE with her... It hurts so bad!! I've been so close to calling her today and see if we could talk, I can't believe I have held out so long!! I want to give her space and try no contact... I know she is just as confused and probably hurt as much as I am and her son just left for a weeks camping trip with her parents so it is going to be just herself and her thoughts for the week and I don't want to influence or smother or take away from some of the feelings she may be having... She did leave that open ended e-mail saying we can have the questions that I have answered... We tried a lunch several days ago, but she was booked and she asked what I was doing that evening... I let her know, but haven't heard back for 3 days now... Should I let her contact me? I will be sooo devastated after this coming week of her alone time if I don't hear from her...

[bushg]

Pamd stop thinking for her and trying to figure out what she is doing, why and how. You are driving yourself nuts. You sound like such a nice guy. You do not deserve to be in this kind of pain. Go on with your life doing things that make you happy. You will find the right person someday. She was honest with you about how she feels about the kids, to bad she did not let you know in the beginning. I feel for you but I think it is in your children's and your best interest to just let it go. I am sure that you do not want to hear this, but that is my opinion. I wish you well.

[PAMD]

I'm doing pretty OK today, coming to terms with the breakup... I'm just confused though because the last time I spoke to her (when I returned her son's bike and tickets to the concert) she said she was still sort of confused... It seems like such a prime opportunity to discuss further and see if it is workable... she said before she could she us happily together forever... How can I get closure with this uncertainty? I want to respect her time and space but the uncertainty is driving me nuts (not as much as before)... Now I just read HurtnConfuseds post and I'm wishy-washy on the card thing... I want her to know that I care and am here for her but as the breakee is it more advantagous to not send a card and maybe she remembers what she's missing (her birthday is 3 weeks away, she probably will be well on her way to healing and barely think of me) or to jog her memory with a nice card (which is more my personality)??
Getting better... but still want her back because I know we can work through this!!

[Ash123]

Respect her request.
Respect yourself.
You have 3 kids... She has to understand and feel if your loss will wake her up to the
Entire package.
If you love her, leave her alone.
If she loves you she will appreciate it.

There will be a day - when heads are cooler and more objective - to talk.
Angling for control and persuasion will not strengthen your hand... Tell yourself
You WILL find the right time, or she will, so you can breathe. But don't worry
About manipulating her with cards and calls... She will respect you more if
You let her think - as tough as that is...

[PAMD]

Oh No!! I hope I didn't screw up!! FYI... I own a beer distributing company and we had a promotion tonight... so my inhibitions were lowered a bit and I called my ex... I was nice and cordial and really wanted to just hear her voice I miss her so much!. she didn't answer as it was pretty late... I hope I didn't ruin anything... I just asked how she was doing and I hope that everything was well... early on in our relationship there was an acquaintance of hers that used to call at awkward times and I said I hope I'm not turning into him (my attempt at humor) Please tell me everything will be OK??

[Ash123]

Don't worry women know men are sappy drunks.

Drunk Dial 101. Your stock will not rise nor fall.
You are still an Ex of "not a kid person..".
Hope you don't get a hangover. And get ye to the land of NC.
It's your only refuge...

[PAMD]

No hangover, not drunk... just lower inhibitions for doing somethng that I was on the verge of doing for awhile and now I regret it so deeply. I thought it would help hearing her voice but it only has me thinking of her all the time again. My mind was getting better and I felt I was on the road to NC (as hard as it is). I also have not said anything to the kids yet, but they sensed something was wrong with Daddy.
BTW-owning the business I'm too fully aware of responsiblty and moderation. I've got too much to lose to be irresponsible.

[PAMD]

I just got done posting my response about my call last night and how I regretted it and I got an e-mail from HER!! CRITICAL JUNCTION WHAT DO I DO? HERE'S THE EMAIL... IT SOUNDS Positive :-)

Good Morning,

Good to hear from you! I hope you were able to enjoy the steak feed. I've been doing well….just doing a lot of thinking. I came across some pictures last evening from our Disney trip. They made me smile and be sad at the same time. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are but have been afraid to call. You sounded cheerful on the phone, that was good to hear. Let me know if you want to do any further talking sometime…

Have a great Tuesday…

[macksmom]

Great! :) Now she has opened the line of communication! :)

I would definitely get right back to her... I would mention the Disney trip, something specific you enjoyed. I would ensure her there is no reason to be scared to call you and you would love to hear from her. Don't know if I would comment on "you sounded cheerful" ehhhh it might be a double edged sword... on one hand she may be happy she isn't dealing with a depressed mess of a man, on the other hand she may be inquiring why are you ao cheerful and not upset... I might leave that one alone. She is testing the waters and letting you know she is ready to talk! This would be your opportunity! So of course, tell her you would absolutley love to talk more with her, and leave it up to her when :):)

GOOD LUCK!

[Ash123]

Relax. Breathe.

The illusion is that she is in control, but now you are...
A few days ago she was "not a kid person..." Can she change?
What is your potential together for your kids?
Are you offended by her remarks?

Now that you are in control, relax. Ask yourself these questions and get back to her when you feel comfortable asking and also talking... You are not playing NC games here, this is about your kids...

As for the Drunk Dial (don't worry, it's OK to get a little buzz and call. Women don't mind)

You sound nice... maybe too nice... she may sense your willingness to do anything to please... beware... a happy man's role is to lead and have a life and to have open arms for those that wish to share honestly and love... your role is not to follow and hope she likes you... you're a dad...

[PAMD]

Yes... I have been branded the dreaded "too nice" tag before... it really is a conundrum!
Ash123, I have given a lot of thought to your questions. I really think the "kid person" thing really stems from the difficulties that she is currently having with her own two kids. And, I was offended by the remark and that was part of my initial despair. However, I did respond to her e-mail pretty much as Macksmom suggested... no begs, no pleas, just that I would love to hear from her and that I'm still respectful of her space and whenever she is ready to talk I'll be here for her. It felt good!! I guess I kind of just chill and see how it goes! Thanks for everyone's help!

[Ash123]

You must be honest to a fault - even if you risk losing her.

[PAMD]

Oy... my anxiety is driving me nuts!! It seemed like such a positive thing, I guess I was expecting for a more quick response(like when we were dating) I wish I didn't leave my e-mail open ended for her to call... I was headed to such a good place, now everythime my new e-mail notification 'dings' or my phone rings my heart races and then fades when it is not her...
Got to chill, got to chll, got to chill

[talaniman]

Go do something besides waiting for a call or email. Yes you got to chill and get busy on your own life that makes you happy without her. Get with your kids and have fun.

[PAMD]

Yeah, I know... it's just a bit tougher because my kids are with their mother for the next 2 weeks out of town... Fortunately I do have a lot going on (in the evenings) for the next week!!