[XD005]

Hello so I've asked a similar question but this one is a tad bit different.
So my girlfriend who I've been with since April isn't a virgin while I am.
My entire life I've saved myself for my future soulmate so you can kind of understand why it bugs me that she hasn't decided to do the same.
So lately, she's been expressing to me that she's essentially ready to have sex as she would frequently be upset that I didn't want to have sex with her just yet, we discussed it and I explained to her that losing my virginity is a big deal to me and I want us to both be 100% sure we want to do it. She seemed to sort of chill out then until the issue came up again the other day.

And so I have a habit of keeping my feelings to myself because I know how they will make her feel. I would frequently and sometimes still do get upset at the world for its vulgarity. I feel like the one man in the world who has any morals and it saddens me that the one girl who means the world to me decided not to wait for me as I was expecting her to do the same. The thought that another man had his stuff inside of her upsets me, the thought that I will never be her first upsets me though I understand I can be her last but it isn't fair to me how I've spent 9 years being abstinent to have my life's work negated and made pointless. Had I known it would be like this in the future I'd have devirginized every girl I had a chance to. But I'm not that kind of guy and I just feel like its been my downfall.

I told her how I feel for the most part, I left some details out as they were kind of excessive but now she feels like she will never be good enough. She told me that she's sorry she couldn't be my dream girl and she told me she's used to putting emotions aside with sex. She told me she wasn't trippin over a dude being a virgin and she knew he wasn't and it didn't and doesn't bother her. And she said that she feels bad because I don't want her for all she is. I told her that if I didn't would I be trying so hard to make this work? She told me that maybe I should find a virgin girl and lose it to her as that's what I really wanted. Sounded like a breakup to me so I didn't opt to that. Besides, I'm worried I'd end up falling for the new girl if I did that. And the only reason its an issue is because I want something from HER I will never have. But now I'm getting off subject...

So what I was trying to get to is I feel as though I might need therapy because I often see the act of sex blown to epic proportions in my head. Sex in general often disgusts me and I can't even really watch it on TV anymore if there is a sex scene in a movie. Just the thought of even having sex with a non-virgin brings me anxiety. I even feel a little bit disgusted with non-virgins and their decisions not to wait for a person they can spent their life with as a lot of them don't. And although I feel okay about it now, I feel as though the issue will come back with her and I'll end up disappointed again soon that she isn't a virgin.

[Wondergirl]

Why is sex even a topic of conversation with someone you've been with for only 3 or so months? And what tells you this is "The One" you'll be with for the rest of your life? I read way too much dismay and disappointment and even disgust in your post.

[XD005]

Why is sex even a topic of conversation with someone you've been with for only 3 or so months? And what tells you this is "The One" you'll be with for the rest of your life? I read way too much dismay and disappointment and even disgust in your post.

Mmm I guess your right huh?
I don't know she tends to have that affect on me.
I almost feel pressured sometimes like I have to have sex with her.
She'll often take our relationship too seriously for the time we've been together and I often have to remind myself we've only been together 3 months.

[Wondergirl]

Mmm I guess your right huh?
I dunno she tends to have that affect on me.
I almost feel pressured sometimes like I have to have sex with her.
She'll often take our relationship too seriously for the time we've been together and I often have to remind myself we've only been together 3 months.

It sounds like sex is no big deal to her. According to what you have posted in this thread and in your other one, sex IS a big deal for you. You two live on two different planets.

Don't compromise your beliefs. If you do, you will hate yourself and always regret making that decision.

[Oliver2011]

Holy crappies. Please let this girl go find someone else to date. You know a ton of people bring and create drama to a relationship but by far you are the winner in that category.

"but now she feels like she will never be good enough." You have taken something so special between two people and made it a horrible experience. At this point I hate reading your posts and I feel sorry for her. Dude you really are just a mess. It is either that or you are so immature that you can't have a meaningful relationship yet.

So please break up with her so that she can have a normal life. I will Google how to become a monk for you.

[N0help4u]

Gee, you seemed like a guy that is confidente, sure of himself once he put his mind to it find a girl with your values and don't entertainment thoughts that pull you away from your direction. Throw away the TV and do not live with a girl that is going to leas to temptation or expect from you what you are not ready for 100%. There is a song... what you going to do when you are with someone and the right one mes along.

[Wondergirl]

I almost feel pressured sometimes like I have to have sex with her.

There is a word. It is NO. Use it. No apologies, no explanations. Just NO.

[odinn7]

My first answer to you in the last question you posted a few days ago still stands.

You will not be able to get over this and even though you keep spouting out how she is the one for you, it is obvious that she is not. You cannot and will not let this go and this is going to destroy whatever it is you have with her now anyway.

And 3 months? How could you possibly know she is "the one" in 3 months... especially if you feel such anger towards her already? She's your first real girlfriend so you're going to feel like she's it but trust me, she's not.

Even if this wasn't a big deal for her, it is for you... and too much so. Reading what you wrote here in this question tells me that you have very deep-seated issues that will need to be addressed. It's commendable that you remained a virgin but then at the same time, you can't go around hating or judging someone simply because they don't have that same view as you do. You are not going to find very many virgins running around at your age.

[XD005]

Yeah, I know I have a lot of issues.
I'm not really mad at her but mad at the guy.
But what is it exactly that I need to do?
And the thing is I feel like once/if I do find a virgin, once we get intimate, I just feel like it doesn't matter that much and that I might as well have stayed with her and if it ends up not working out with the virgin girl, then what? Although I've been trying so hard to get over it, it appears that you might be right. I guess you can't force yourself to get over something like this and I can even see our relationship is already starting to break apart and although the situation bugs both of us, neither of us have the heart to end it even though I think deep down we know it needs to be. We don't kiss like we used to, we don't hold each other as much, we don't even talk for hours like we used to as of lately...

[Wondergirl]

You don't even KNOW her after only 3 months!!

Why is sex such a huge thing for you? Why is it taking up so much real estate in your head? Get to know your dates and the girls you are with. Forget about sex for now. Find out who they are and who you are.

[Oliver2011]

Not to be mean but I am guessing performance anxiety could be at play here. It is possible you are nervous because she has experienced it before.

[XD005]

You don't even KNOW her after only 3 months!!!!!!

Why is sex such a huge thing for you? Why is it taking up so much real estate in your head? Get to know your dates and the girls you are with. Forget about sex for now. Find out who they are and who you are.

Your right, your right.
I don't know. I guess I'm peer pressure is getting the best of me
As all my friends often tell me how I'm too old to be a virgin, etc, etc, etc. and I feel like after a certain age, it gets pretty much impossible to find a virgin in the worst case scenario so I guess I feel a sense of false-urgency. But your right, I need to take a chill pill and do things one day at a time.

[odinn7]

You say you're not mad at her, just the guy... but read your question again... I see all kinds of anger there... at her. You're judging her and deep down hating her because she didn't wait for you. Why was she supposed to wait for you? Because you chose to wait doesn't mean everyone else needs to. See what I'm saying?

[XD005]

You say you're not mad at her, just the guy...but read your question again...I see all kinds of anger there...at her. You're judging her and deep down hating her because she didn't wait for you. Why was she supposed to wait for you? Because you chose to wait doesn't mean everyone else needs to. See what I'm saying?

Yeah I get you. I'm more mad at the world and wish more people would do that but that isn't something I can change. And before you say it, yeah I know, an indication in it-self that she isn't right for me. I guess I know now that I need to break up with her. That's probably going to be the hardest part now as we've had some pretty good times together.

[Jake2008]

You are very single minded in your harsh judgment of a woman, who fails to meet your 'moral standard' simply because she is not a virgin.

That there is so much more to a person than their sexual history, leaves me thinking that the issue of a woman being a virgin, is not the issue at all.

The issue may be your strange, unconventional view of sex, itself. As you have described sex as being vile, it is unlikely that you would be able, with such a mindset, to view anything to do with sex, as a perfectly normal part of a persons life.

So, the problem as I see it, has nothing to do with a particular woman that you happen to be involved with, but the barrier you have created, because of your disgust with sex itself. All that you judge revolves around sex, your hatred of it, and your need to judge others by it.

If your hatred and self-described vile toward sex were further examined by a professional, I suspect that there would be much more to your story than you are saying here.

I don't think at this point, from what you have said so far, that you can justify your ideas around sex, to include women, that you judge, as an excuse not to face your fears.

You are going to be a very unhappy man if you are unable to figure this out.

[XD005]

You are very single minded in your harsh judgment of a woman, who fails to meet your 'moral standard' simply because she is not a virgin.

That there is so much more to a person than their sexual history, leaves me thinking that the issue of a woman being a virgin, is not the issue at all.

The issue may be your strange, unconventional view of sex, itself. As you have described sex as being vile, it is unlikely that you would be able, with such a mindset, to view anything to do with sex, as a perfectly normal part of a persons life.

So, the problem as I see it, has nothing to do with a particular woman that you happen to be involved with, but the barrier you have created, because of your disgust with sex itself. All that you judge revolves around sex, your hatred of it, and your need to judge others by it.

If your hatred and self-described vile toward sex were further examined by a professional, I suspect that there would be much more to your story than you are saying here.

I don't think at this point, from what you have said so far, that you can justify your ideas around sex, to include women, that you judge, as an excuse not to face your fears.

You are going to be a very unhappy man if you are unable to figure this out.

I suppose it could likely stem from my past. I was sexually abused as a child. Although I don't remember the ordeal in the slightest bit I'm told that it happened by my mom. Additionally, back when I was a "normal" teenage boy who had a sex stain on the brain, I couldn't get any as hard as I tried, I couldn't even get a girlfriend in fact. I thought about just having sex to say I did but I wanted it to be legit even if it meant I had to wait till I was 40 or whatever... Next thing I knew, all my friends were getting in relationships, taking girl's virginity and thinking nothing of it. It disgusted me and seeing the media put such a emphasis on sex didn't help.Eventually I just gave up and figured that when I meet that one girl, she'd wait for me. And on top of that, my current girlfriend recently opened up about her past, again I didn't ask her and wish I hadn't heard it because now I feel worse. She told me that she was just like me, she wanted to wait until marriage, and then lowered her standard to it just being a special guy, and then going into her senior year of HS, she just lowered it to whatever guy wants to have sex.
And that's exactly what happened. It hurts me even more to know that had I just came to her quicker than I did, I'd have had someone who thinks the same way that I do and has a similar past as far as relationship difficulties and decided to save themselves. Perhaps I should seek therapy. I've also been chronically depressed and was suicidal in my childhood and my parents never took me to get anything done about it even though I often complained about it, perhaps that took a toll on my mental health as well. And even now that I'm old enough, I can't afford to see a psychologist. So too late for being an very unhappy man, that's practically the story of my life. But yeah your right, I see what your saying.

[talaniman]

How old where you when your mom told you that you were molested? Before or after you were a normal teen ager? Why did she tell you?

[XD005]

How old where you when your mom told you that you were molested? Before or after you were a normal teen ager? Why did she tell you?

Before my "sexually active" teenager years.
Probably about 13 - 16, maybe even 12.
But I know it happened when I was a young child.
And I don't know why she told me, I remember we had a family friend and I believe she told me
Because she didn't want me to go over there, I think that's why.

[Jake2008]

It really is time to get to the real problem here, which has, as you know, manifested itself in many areas of your life.

Sexual assault, suicidal, depression...

There is no barrier to becoming a person who knows, and accepts their past, from living a normal, decent life. But first, you need to know in my opinion.

Try not to guess, or torture yourself, for answers, until you are able to accept them, and that takes time, through therapy. Yes, I think you do need therapy. In a way you have already begun to figure out the possible connections to how you feel and think now, particularly about sexuality, and the difficulties you face.

To go through life struggling with such a burden, really denies you access to living a healthier, happier life.

I don't know where you live, but find a way to get the help you need. There is help out there for you, and would be invaluable to you in my opinion.

[XD005]

It really is time to get to the real problem here, which has, as you know, manifested itself in many areas of your life.

Sexual assault, suicidal, depression............

There is no barrier to becoming a person who knows, and accepts their past, from living a normal, decent life. But first, you need to know in my opinion.

Try not to guess, or torture yourself, for answers, until you are able to accept them, and that takes time, through therapy. Yes, I think you do need therapy. In a way you have already begun to figure out the possible connections to how you feel and think now, particularly about sexuality, and the difficulties you face.

To go through life struggling with such a burden, really denies you access to living a healthier, happier life.

I don't know where you live, but find a way to get the help you need. There is help out there for you, and would be invaluable to you in my opinion.

Yeah I suppose your right because I remember there being a time when I didn't even think about who was and who wasn't a virgin, I was pretty young probably 15 or 16 when the rest of it kicked in but then again most people in your age group are virgins at that age although it didn't really hit me that I had missed my opportunity until I turned 18, I remember freaking out and feeling much anxiety like I had to find a virgin NOW or it would be too late and I realize that logically that is the wrong attitude to have. But emotions don't follow logic so I really do need therapy...

Hopefully I can figure out a way to get it because I've noticed it has affected my life a lot more now, ever since the break up with my ex (the girl before my current gf), I've seen life relatively gray-scale and muted. I don't really feel happy just a constant sadness (most intense when I first wake up in the morning, I sometimes struggle to even do it), I have close to no will to live and feel as though I don't have anything to live for, and the list goes on and on. Yeah, I didn't really realize this until you guys mentioned it. :\