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Wondergirl · May 2, 2010, 06:31 PM

Have you tried to set boundaries with him -- "It's not all right that you continually bring up your deceased wife, no matter what the subject. I love you and your children with all my heart, and I am the woman who is alive and in your life now. We will honor [Joanne's] memory on the appropriate occasions, but not in frequent and everyday conversations. If you cannot honor me and respect my wishes in this, our relationship is over."

mommy55 · May 2, 2010, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think that it is very important that he realizes just how much of his life he is living in the past, and how he is allowing the past to cloud the present and the future.

I'm also wondering if this is perhaps some sort of defensive mechanism, in that while he keeps you at arm's length, he does not have to face or cope with the reality that you too, may leave him. Investing in loving someone may be something he does not wish to do.

If he does understand how you feel when he talks about her all the time, and shares these thoughts openly with you, and he understands that it simply makes you uncomfortable (it would me too, you have the patience of a saint), then he needs to start talking to her, and leaving you out of the conversations.

How is to buy him a notebook of some type and a special pen. Tell him that when he is feeling overwhelmed with memories of her, to write the thoughts out in a book. I would say that it is time he stopped expecting you to just accept him and his memories any old time he feels like bringing them up, and making you feel so unimportant.

Tell him that you want a relationship with him, only him, without his deceased wife affecting your relationship together. Ask him to understand that you are not telling him not to stop thinking about her, only that you would like him to remember and reflect and
write about her, in private.

The purpose would be to give him the space he needs to deal with his ongoing feelings about her, and write out his thoughts, feelings, things that remind him of her, etc., but at the same time show you due respect for your relationship- just the two of you.

While he allows himself to live this way, your relationship may never change, or change enough that he could completely let her go. I still recommend counselling for him, and I would also recommend couples counselling to get to the bottom of what I see as a lack of committment from him to you.

Thank You I will try that.

asking · May 2, 2010, 07:26 PM

Originally Posted by mommy55

We have been to some resturants and there new and when we got there, well it was my first time and he told me they were bearly building that whole plaza when his wife was still alive and that she didnt get to try them. I feel as if he just has to bring her up.

Who does he think you are, his sister? I think this is just cruel. I'm not convinced this is beyond his control. I'm guessing if you give him a reason to stop, he can and will.

Even someone who wasn't his girlfriend would getting tired of this.

Edit: I would recommend trying Jake's approach. Ask him to refrain from mentioning her for one week. If he is significantly better, keep working with him on it.

If it's not really getting better over some period that you choose, I would give him an ultimatum. And just say you are going to walk out the next time he brings her up when you are out on a date, in bed or any other times that should be just for the two of you. And then do it. Tell him you will leave him because he is not ready to date if he does not give his relationship with you the kind of attention it deserves.

He is wallowing. He may think it's romantic to moon over his dead wife, but I think it's just selfish. Sorry I'm not more sympathetic to him.

mommy55 · May 2, 2010, 07:45 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Who does he think you are, his sister? I think this is just cruel. I'm not convinced this is beyond his control. I'm guessing if you give him a reason to stop, he can and will.

Even someone who wasn't his girlfriend would getting tired of this.

Edit: I would recommend trying Jake's approach. Ask him to refrain from mentioning her for one week. If he is significantly better, keep working with him on it.

If it's not really getting better over some period of time that you choose, I would give him an ultimatum. And just say you are going to walk out the next time he brings her up when you are out on a date, in bed or any other times that should be just for the two of you. And then do it. Tell him you will leave him because he is not ready to date if he does not give his relationship with you the kind of attention it deserves.

He is wallowing. He may think it's romantic to moon over his dead wife, but I think it's just selfish. Sorry I'm not more sympathetic to him.

Thank You so much for your advise. I think all of you are making me realize what I'm going through and that it's not OK for him to do this. Thank You so much again.

asking · May 2, 2010, 07:54 PM

PS. If he mentions her and then says, "Oh, I'm not supposed to mention [Joanne], am I?" that counts as talking about her. Don't even answer if he says that. Just change the subject.

Wondergirl · May 2, 2010, 08:19 PM

Originally Posted by asking

PS. If he mentions her and then says, "Oh, I'm not supposed to mention [Joanne], am I?" that counts as talking about her. Don't even answer if he says that. Just change the subject.

Just like when Julius Caesar spoke in front of the Roman Senate and said, "I will not tell you how much my soldiers are suffering with no sandals on their feet and food in their bellies." (It's a rhetorical device called litotes.)

purell · Sep 10, 2010, 06:41 PM

I am going through the same thing right now. I think it is easier to date a divorced person, instead of someone who's wife died. I think if they want to talk about the dead wife, they need to seek out family, friends, support groups, therapist (whatever necessary). I am trying to build a future with a man who lives in the past and insists she is a part of our daily life. We could have such a wonderful life together. I tried to get him to understand there are only two people in this relationship. I don't want to be a mistress to a man still married to a ghost. I am not trying to be mean, I am just terribly frustrated.

Jake2008 · Sep 10, 2010, 06:52 PM

Hi Purell,

This post hasn't been active for some time.

Why not post a new question, and see what happens.

lthornley · Oct 1, 2011, 04:53 AM

Sounds like exactly what I am going through too. My boyfriend has two girls 11 and 5. He is raising both and the oldest is his wife's that he is raising. I think my situation is going to be difficult because his wife was my best friend for 16 years. I really hope he isn't trying to recreate something. I'm hoping for the best and we currently live 200 miles from each other. He has told me something's that really bother me about my friend and his wife that passed away. I have been friends with him for so long and he is such a wonderful man. I think I am going to take it slow because I don't think this is something that he can get over and stay over it. If you truly love this man then hopefully as time goes by your relationship will get better. Maybe you can update me on how things are going. Have a great day!