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s_cianci · Jul 16, 2009, 02:14 PM

You were together for just about a year. All along, it's reasonable to presume that you knew who/what she was when it comes to matters of religion and she likewise knew who/what you were. That said, I think the whole religion thing is a big red herring. She wanted to cut you loose and needed an "excuse" and religion became the excuse. That said, I think it's over. Move on, work on yourself and don't look back. It's not the end of the world because you invested a year of your life in a bad relationship.

s_cianci · Jul 16, 2009, 02:17 PM

If she had a HIGH INTEREST in you she wouldn't be CONFUSED... when a woman says that she is confused that means low interest. Nothing else...

This says it all. If she was really interested in you she wouldn't give two hoots about what her mama, her friends, her religion or anyone or anything else has to say.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 16, 2009, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

This says it all. If she was really interested in you she wouldn't give two hoots about what her mama, her friends, her religion or anyone or anything else has to say.

Very true. I would agree with everything but the religion part. Religion is the overriding factor that even if she is still in love with me, which her actions show... she would not be with me. But very true on the other accounts.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 19, 2009, 12:02 PM

So an update... lol. We do work together and I had to fill in at the store where she was at the other day. Everything was fine at work, I am a professional. I ended up talking to her for about a hour and a half after work, pretty light conversation about just stuff that she'd been doing, and she asking what I had been up to blah blah. I asked her why she kept saying she was confused, what was she confused about? And she was like well all the stuff that you've said is what I've been wanting to hear but never heard when we were together. And I'm just thinking in my head that I'm just putting all my chips on the table, that way I have no regrets, I'm not saying anything to purposefully confuse you. So I was just like well we never did talk a while ago, and I would prefer to do it face to face (I'm just that kind of person) so she was like yeah that sounds good this weekend. So not more than the next morning she (unaware to me) tries coming over to my apartment, and apparently she knocks to see if I'm home and I don't hear it, I get a note brought in to me and it's from her saying how she has to defend herself and her thoughts around me all the time and she doesn't think that I think that she makes her own decisions. She thinks I try controlling her through her emotions (uhh yeah right, if I had this ability I wouldn't be in this situation lol) and that we can't hang out, and we can't be friends and that she is working towards transferring and thus moving away for school (which I have always been the BIGGEST supporter in her life to stay in school [she dropped out last term and changed majors], even advised her which major I thought she would be best at... which she ends up choosing a few months later and is now looking at pursuing. I definitely want her to succeed, but I really don't see how she can afford, but we'll see). So anyway I didn't like that she attempted to see me, and then left me a note for something I would like to hear in person. I tried calling right after I got the message (only after hearing that she knocked and tried to see me, otherwise I get the picture that she couldn't bring herself to see me... for whatever reason. So anyway, I left her a voicemail to call me if she wanted to, and she didn't call back that day. The best thing is that it did not upset me very much at all, I want to find a girl that will appreciate everything I have to offer, not one whose actions say one thing, and then a day later she says something else. Yeesh...

jmw0713 · Jul 19, 2009, 07:21 PM

Welcome to the world of the confused girlfriend who doesn't appreciate, or recognize, anything you do for her. Don't even try to figure out why she made the decision she made, because all she is going to tell you is pure BS to cover herself and make her feel like she made the right decision.

It's sucks... and I know exactly how you feel, because that was how it was with my ex.

Seriously, you are better off now. You will eventually find someone who will appreciate all of the devotion that you gave to her. She will realize what she had with you now that your gone, and she will have to live with that decision for a long time.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 19, 2009, 08:21 PM

Originally Posted by jmw0713

Welcome to the world of the confused girlfriend who doesn't appreciate, or recognize, anything you do for her. Don't even try to figure out why she made the decision she made, because all she is going to tell you is pure BS to cover her and make her feel like she made the right decision.

It's sucks...and I know exactly how you feel, because that was how it was with my ex.

Seriously, you are better off now. You will eventually find someone who will appreciate all of the devotion that you gave to her. She will realize what she had with you now that your gone, and she will have to live with that decision for a long time.

Thanks, it sounds good to hear somebody go through something similar. I did send her a final email because I thought we were both better than leaving it at here's a note, so long see you. That just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I basically just said what was on my mind and wished her the very best with or without me. And I am happy with having done that. Now back to focusing on me and forging forward.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 22, 2009, 03:38 PM

Kind of an update / vent. So after I sent my email wishing her best, seeing her in a person to finalize / talk instead of just getting a note. I was ignored for two days. Then I was sent a message while at work asking me where I was going to be after work. I ignored because I was not in the state of mind, and was going to be working out. I then called her the next day saying I could not talk the day prior due to other stuff going on, but I would be open to now. That was yesterday, I'm back in getting ignored mode. I will see her tomorrow at some point at a large group meeting. Aside from looking VERY sharp in the morning, just a smile and hello, or ignore? I'm leaning towards the first option. I guess I'm just frustrated about the ignored part in general so I'm venting about that. And I feel like I'm the jerk for ignoring for a day when I know I should not feel like that. I am better than to just do the ignore thing when I see her, because I see that as rude. I don't know, just thought I'd hear opinions...

jmw0713 · Jul 23, 2009, 06:20 AM

She dumped you. If anyone should feel bad about anything, it's her. She made this choice, not you. You wanted to work on things together, where she wanted to be apart.

I know it's hard not to feel bad about ignoring her because you still love her. You have look at things in terms of the facts... not feelings. This is what she wanted and you are giving it to her.

Over the past 9 months, I have yet to ignore my ex when she calls me, even though I know I should. There is still a part of me that can't resist talking to her because of my feelings toward her (although I am getting better).

If she contacts you, it your choice to acknowledge her. If you do talk, be prepared for the potential pain that follows. If you don't, you have nothing to worry about.

As far as seeing her tomorrow, be polite and say Hi. She will probably want to sit and talk to you. If you can't handle it, tell her. Don't torture yourself. If possible, try and sit someplace away from her, where she is not in your view.

It's going to be hard either way. Just try to maintain your composure. If you need to leave, excuse yourself.

Don't be rude. It will show others how much of a strong and respectful man you really are.

Good Luck.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 23, 2009, 09:40 AM

Thanks for the pointers and support. It was more or less just a sit in the audience and listen to speakers type conference so there was not audience interaction either with the speakers or each other. She was not in my view, I was in her's though (I think... ). Was lookin' sharp, when the conference adjourned we just both left due to needing to get to work, didn't say anything to each other. She just kind of looked at me as she drove away. I shall just keep on keepin' on. I will never understand the rationale behind a women's mind by being so in love with somebody just months ago, to apparently not even wanting me in her life anymore. You would think that I did something very terrible to her or something. Who knows, I'm done trying to analyze things. Just hard to keep her out of my thoughts. I guess I know that she probably thinks about me a lot too though. Man... this crazy dating / love / relationship game.

jmw0713 · Jul 23, 2009, 09:49 AM

I'm done trying to analyze things. Just hard to keep her out of my thoughts. I guess I know that she probably thinks about me a lot too though.

At the stage you are right now, it will be difficult to keep her out of your head. It will be difficult for some time, but you have the right mindset going here.

There is no point in analyzing anything further. Over time you will get answers to any question you have. There is no need to ponder the "what ifs" or anything like that. What happened has happened and it's time to accept that and face the challenge of rebuilding your life to something you are happy with.

It looks like you are well on your way!

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 25, 2009, 11:19 AM

Update...

So after not talking for a few days I called her after work and we spoke... for about two hours. More or less just about what I had said in my letter to her. She's like yes its everything I want to hear but its all just empty promises because you never said it in our relationship, and too little too late. She says that nobody can realize all of these things this fast. What can I say, I'm a fast learner? I'm like, there is nothing empty about them, this is how I feel and did feel in our relationship. The conversation was really light hearted, she still says she doesn't want to give us a second chance or date casually because that is a joke, as it can easily wind back up in a serious relationship. She then throws in the I'm still confused part. She's then just like what if my feelings are just a physical attraction to you? I'm thinking to myself, if your feelings for me were all just physical why can we hang out for 8 hours, or talk on the phone for hours while not doing anything physical.. Anyway, I think that she is currently in the oh he's chasing me too much phase so I am resisting everything. We'll see how she is when we haven't talked for a while.

She then goes on to state when I recommend we don't talk for a month and just meet up for something light hearted and maybe re-evaluate things. She doesn't want to do that. We had originally planned on doing that after the 'initial break' and we can't do that anymore because I crossed the boundaries... oh please, you started showing up where I was working out is why we started hanging out and talking again. So the problem was I did not say things in the relationship, I then said them after the breakup but what I really should have done was ignore everything and it magically would have worked out? Yeah, not buying that one. I do wish that we had just not talked for a month though, but can't change that now, and I really don't believe it would've solved anything. And apparently I "manipulated her" when I asked her to hang out as friends... and then things got physical again. I'm just like how the heck can I manipulate you, all I am doing is being myself... you initiated some of the physical stuff too. I definitely do not understand the manipulate thing. She can't hang out with me in person because she doesn't want to have to deal with holding herself back around me, or thinking about that. I just told her to open her heart and we said bye. Anyway I feel a lot better after we had the phone conversation, and no emails or letters. She has a ton of stuff going on in her life right now, and I don't want to be seen as a negative in her life, because I am just being my same amazing self around her. It's not my fault she is still way into me. I am now implementing NC for myself for at least a month yesterday. Then what happens... circumstances have us getting put at the same store on that day lol. I don't go out of my way to talk to her, but she comes up to me to do a remedial task that anybody else in her department could have done. And I tell you, this girl still turns into a shy little school girl when she is around me. I swear I could still get her naked right then and there if I wanted to lol. So anyway my NC is not calling/txting, and not going out of my way to talk to her if we happen to see each other during work, but I can't control it if we're at the same store. This turned to be pretty long, but maybe she'll realize that her attraction to me is not just physical and some of her confusion will dissipate... that's up to her. In the meantime I will continue getting ripped (I have come a LONG ways since the initial breakup a couple months ago --I was still pretty cut then, but now even more so lol). We'll see how well she can handle me having a 6 or 8 pack and benching over 275 again :). And I am really excited to start playing the guitar again. I should be able to keep busy with all of that stuff. I still do think about her a lot though... can't help that though lol. And it definitely boosts my ego that whenever I walk into a room, I can see all of the 2nd and 3rd glances I get from girls, and especially the "eye-f@!%" from them too lol. Thanks for the listen.

jmw0713 · Jul 25, 2009, 06:00 PM

Dude those girls that are eye-f-ing you, should be the girls that you should talk to... not your ex. That conversation you had says to me, that no matter how hot you look, she doesn't want to be with you. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Now you know where she is coming from and can stop wasting your time chasing her.

Go after some other girls. They will be more worth your while that this confused female.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 28, 2009, 04:53 PM

Haha thanks jmw yeah I know I should be. I hate that I am such a good guy that even though we have not been an item in 2 months that I still think that I'm cheating for even looking at another girl. I am getting past that point though. I had this hot little blonde eye f-ing me in the store a few days ago after I got out of the gym, but I couldn't move in because my parents came from out of town and I was meeting them there. Dang parents cock blocking! Lol :)

I'm on day 5 of NC... feeling good, don't have the urge to call at all, but she's still on my mind a lot. It may seem a little morbid, but I guess I just thinking to myself that she is dead to me, because it's not far from the truth. The girl I loved I still see in person when we hang out, but it's a total stranger on the phone two days later. I'm continuing to hit the gym hard, and the guitar, and hanging out with friends (who ironically enough have their own relationship situations lol) to keep me occupied. The longest that I had gone with NC before was... like 8 or 9 days I think (I forget), I'm definitely going to beat that. I did get an email from her Monday thanking me for helping her with something on Friday work related and she apologized if she was a little rude. I didn't bother responding.

jmw0713 · Jul 28, 2009, 06:57 PM

Good job. Don't respond. You are doing well enough on your own without her.

CanIBuyAClue · Aug 1, 2009, 11:13 AM

On day 9 of NC and going strong... thinking about her less and less, although she is still on my mind quite a bit... that's to be expected though. Yesterday I kind of had a about with why she did what she did, but it passed... because I'll never know why, because she doesn't even know why. Still no urge to call or anything... no real reason to you know. There is a company get-together a little over a week away, don't know if she plans on going. I'm still 50/50 deciding on whether I will. I would like to go, but at this point I would really prefer not to see her. I don't want to go about "manipulating" her again... lol. I guess I'll just see how I feel as the week goes by...

CanIBuyAClue · Aug 6, 2009, 08:49 PM

An update... officially 2 weeks of NC. Doing a lot better on the subject. I did lose a relative over the weekend though and that hurt really badly. Am I a horrible person to have expected just a txt, phone call, email or SOMETHING from the ex regarding my loss?? I mean just like 4 months ago she lost a relative and I was the absolute pillar of strength there in taking care of her. Yes, we were a couple then, but its not as if we hate each other right now. But still not even a simple hey I'm sorry to hear that happened and for your loss. I'm not sure why I am so irritated that I did not get the slightest gesture from her. Anyway, I think I'm going to be working at the same store within the next couple of days, I really prefer not to see her because well for obvious reasons... I'm doing fine on my own, but just going to stick to being busy and polite. It's all I can do...

amicon · Aug 6, 2009, 09:50 PM

Hi.you r doing really well but its early days yet and the missing her and many questions are bound to still be there.stick to NC.Good luck.

jmw0713 · Aug 7, 2009, 06:14 AM

Maybe she didn't know that your relative died. Either way, you can't worry about what she does. She doesn't owe you anything, even now. I know that's a little harsh to hear, but it's the truth.

Sorry for your loss. It's hard when a family member dies...

CanIBuyAClue · Aug 7, 2009, 07:26 AM

She knows, and said nothing. I agree with her not "owing" me anything, but you think it would be common courtesy. Especially from somebody who constantly verbally puts out there how much of a Christian she wants to be, and was just in this situation not too long ago. I would say my response to the other's loss was a little more compassionate in the eyes of God. Perhaps I over-estimated the quality of her character.

talaniman · Aug 7, 2009, 08:43 AM

Or maybe your expectations, are not realistic.