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LoneRanger · Dec 14, 2014, 04:31 AM

I have a foreigner friend from overseas who's been very nice to me since we met on FB. I enjoyed chatting with him about our respective cultures. He's coming here (India) next month; he planned this long ago and he wanted to meet me so that I could go with him to some places. Okay, I enjoyed having him as a friend and actually wanted to go and meet him, but kept it uncertain as I was unsure if I'd be available at that time. He kept poking me for months, if I was considering, as he needed guidance to visit specific tourist spots.

Yesterday, he proposed that if I was interested to play a "paid guide" for him so it would make his navigating easier and would earn me some bucks. I was instantly shocked as this was naturally disrespectful to me. Immediately I told him off that that offering money to me was a very bad move. He apologised to me countless times, but I can't get it out of my mind. The thought of him trying to buy my time by luring money is very humiliating. However, he knows financially I'm going through a tough time and all he did was to help me; he said that this was his genuine effort. But he thought offering money would suddenly make me all interested, like I was a whore.

I couldn't digest this fact, but it is evident that he's had success getting things done by money, and he assumed I'd take it, like his other Indian friends who I assumed did a good job representing themselves in front of a white man. I liked him, and was glad to have a foreigner white friend, but what he did is sort of irreparable and unexpected, but I'm not sure I should unfriend him, but I do want to say something to him which will make a lasting effect on him. So what should I do next? What should be the most affecting answer one can give?

J_9 · Dec 14, 2014, 04:38 AM

Wow, you were pretty rude to him. He was being kind in offering to pay you for your time as a tour guide. All you had to say was that it wasn't necessary to be paid.

You went a Little overboard dude.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 14, 2014, 04:40 AM

No, I have no idea why you feel this way. What he did was normal and common and you should have felt more upset, if he had not.

He is coming to a foreign country, and hiring a guide is normal. Asking a friend to do it and paying them, or paying for their expense is the normal method of doing this.

You are totally wrong and need to tell your friend you are sorry.

LoneRanger · Dec 14, 2014, 04:56 AM

I don't make everything about money.He mustve thought I wasn't interested because I wasn't getting anything in return.Now,isn't it a LITTLE awkward that you are offered money from a friend whom you are fond of?Is'nt it a little unexpected?a little disrespectful from a guy who comes from another land?If I had taken money,Id had become a business man who's dealing,not a friend.Atleast I don't have a culture which taught me that.We,as Indians,take this very personal,unlike what the west normally think about us.

J_9 · Dec 14, 2014, 05:08 AM

It wasn't disrespectful at all for him to offer you money for a service. What was disrespectful was your over the top response. All you had to do was thank him for his offer and tell him money was not necessary.

Cat1864 · Dec 14, 2014, 05:25 AM

Originally Posted by LoneRanger

I have a foreigner friend from overseas who's been very nice to me since we met on FB.I enjoyed chatting with him about our respective cultures.He's coming here (India) next month;he planned this long ago and he wanted to meet me so that I could go with him to some places.Okay,I enjoyed having him as a friend and actually wanted to go and meet him,but kept it uncertain as I was unsure if I'd be available at that time.He kept poking me for months If I was considering as he needed guidance to visit specific tourist spots.Yesterday,He proposed that if I was interested to play a "paid guide" for him so it would make his navigating easier and would earn me some bucks.I was instantly shocked as this was naturally disrespectful to me.Immediately I told him off that that offering money to me was a very bad move.He apologised to me countless times,but I can't get it out of my mind.The thought of him trying to buy my time by luring money is very humiliating.However,He knows financially I'm going through a tough time and all he did was to help me;he said that this was his genuine effort.But he thought offering money would suddenly make me all interested,like I was a whore.I couldn't digest this fact.
But it is evident that he's had success getting things done by money,and he assumed I'd take it,like his other indian friends who I assumed did a good job representing themselves in front of a white man.I liked him,and was glad to have a foreigner white friend.But what he did is sort of irreparable and unexpected.But I'm not sure I should unfriend him.but I do want to say something to him which will make a lasting effect on him.So what should I do next?what should be the most affecting answer one can give?

Are these questions about the same person as the one in this question?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/fashio...ml#post3679649
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-805247.html

joypulv · Dec 14, 2014, 05:45 AM

You started this by telling him about your financial situation, so you have NO RIGHT to be all offended and shocked.

With my friends, we sometimes try to offer money as a courtesy, and drop it if the friend refuses. Other times we accept money, if it is going to cost us something, or it's in our profession, or if we know the friend is broke. Other times we reciprocate with a later gift or a favor. It depends, it depends!

Fr_Chuck · Dec 14, 2014, 05:49 AM

No, you are completely wrong. This is how real adult people in all the rest of the world operate.

I always give money to my friends, here in China, who take days to be my tour guide. If I did not offer them, money, I would be the one, who would be rude.

If you want to guide for him, you can refuse the money, but for him not to offer money would be wrong. You are not best friends, you are just FB and chat friends.

LoneRanger · Dec 14, 2014, 05:59 AM

No Cat1864,it's a different man,though surprisingly I realised some facts are similar.

J_9 · Dec 14, 2014, 06:18 AM

It is common courtesy to offer money for services offered. He could well pay more for a professional.

You owe this man a profound apology.

Cat1864 · Dec 14, 2014, 07:27 AM

You seem to be taking offense when none was meant.

Frankly, I think there is more to the story than a friend offering to pay you to take him sight-seeing. If this person/facts is similar to the other person, I am wondering if it is the 'sights' he wants to visit that are the problem as much as offering you money to act as 'tour guide'.

You have already explained that his 'offer' was disrespectful to you. He has apologized. What more do you want? To accept that there was a misunderstanding and you both could have handled the situation better or to give another lecture about how insensitive and disrespectful he is?

I think you are angrier at yourself than you are him. You are the one with extremely strong negative reaction to (from what you have said) was an innocent offer meant to help you out. You could have calmly explained why you wouldn't take his money without turning it into a demeaning and disrespectful act. That says more about your perception than it does his offer. (Or are you not telling the full story?) If an Indian friend offered you money to help him move when you would willing do it for free, would you have had the same reaction? Why? Why not?

LoneRanger · Dec 14, 2014, 08:24 AM

I'm not racist towards white people,but taking money and working for a white man is sort of stereotypical [200 years of slavery to british in Indian history].I did'nt wanted to be a lesser man.Because I'm not.The way he conveyed his offer was weird.I'm surprised that for the admins here its not really an issue.okay.If I ever move in with a white woman,if she's not interested in sex,I would sincerely offer her money for motivation... negotiate maybe? [Kidding]
There are less chances an Indian friend offering money for service for guidance to say the least.
Yes,I'm a little angry but at my nation's condition where people would do anything for money,which he learned.why so professionalism even in a friendship?

tickle · Dec 14, 2014, 08:39 AM

I have to agree with everyone else here. If you didn't want to be a 'paid guide', then you should have respectfully declined the offer.

joypulv · Dec 14, 2014, 08:43 AM

You are making a HUGE leap from 'working for the white man' to taking short term financial help in exchange for tourism. WOW.
I read all the way back to your first post here, last March, and see an immature, angry, confused 20 or 21 year old.
You also do a lot of 'kidding' that isn't funny. If you took my phone and wrote to my girlfriend, I'd never have anything to do with you again. I don't get your 'joke' above about negotiating with a white woman for sex. You live online too much, and fantasize too much, and extrapolate too much!

In your defense, I am not a British white woman but an American one. No history of master-slave with India. If there are stereotypes here about Indians, it's that they are intelligent, hard working, successful, good family people - like Asians, they have a better reputation than the rest of us.

I think you have turned a low self esteem into both a joke and a chip on your shoulder. Give yourself a chance to find a path in life, a career, so you can feel good about your talents. (Music, you said?) Only then work on romance and close online relationships. And spend more time with real people, the ones near you!

talaniman · Dec 14, 2014, 08:59 AM

You have hang ups which you are projecting onto this fellow. You have said your peace now drop it? Only a drama queen would continue such nonsense after an apology, obviously a misunderstanding. If you cannot let this go, or deal with your own hang ups more constructively, then do the guy a favor and leave him alone.

He isn't the problem, you and your attitude are. Maybe you owe him an apology for letting your geopolitical views make this a bigger deal than what it is. Is it possible you have much to learn about having friends of different cultures and race?

He apologised to me countless times, but I can't get it out of my mind.

Sounds like YOUR problem, not his to get over.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 15, 2014, 04:58 AM

Agreed, asking a "friend" to help be your guide, and offering to pay for the service,
Then to jump to the "working for the white man" shows a serous racial issue. No one would even think this, today, if they did not have issues. You have not been a slave to a while person ever, and it has not been slaves for a long time,

This argument is very bias.