[Silver fox 87]

I am an out lesbian who met a bi woman at work, and it started as flirting then friendship now friends with benefits, she has 3 kids and after she left her boy friend of 6 years we landed up sleeping together I was the 1st woman she has slept with and she says she wants to do it again but whenever the subject comes up she dismisses it, what to do?? I don't want to lose what we have,

[joypulv]

It's a good rule for just about everything to bring something up once (for some things, twice) and let it go after that.
If it's tough to be around her now, then tell her so and tell her why, and stay away. She clearly isn't interested anymore.

[Oliver2011]

She's either not interested or she didn't like it or she is still processing what she did.

I will tell you from experience, once you crossover and have sex with the same sex and it is their first time, they spend a lot of time processing what they did and why they did it. I was my partner's first time. Not only did I make him wait, I made him process through it beforehand. It was a lot of communication. We also made a rule that he wasn't aloud to leave after either. That was like 3.5 years ago. So yeah jumping into the bed is great, but a lot happens after.

[Cat1864]

How long before you had sex did she break up with her boyfriend? How is your friendship? What are your expectations? Are you looking for a relationship or for a playmate? Does she identify herself as Bi or are you giving her the label?

How old are her children?

Are you hanging out as friends with no expectations of sexual contact on your part? When you are with her are you making it clear you want more? Could she be getting the impression that sex is all you want? Is she initiating talk/actions and then pulling back?

If she just got of the relationship with her ex she may be needing space and time to work through the emotional baggage break-ups leave behind. You may be great friends but sex and anything romantic may need to wait. Without realizing it you could be putting pressure on her that she isn't ready to deal with at this time.

Frankly, I think what you have is a good friendship and she was looking for comfort and distractions after her break-up. I have a feeling a show of sympathy may have gone farther than she was ready for and that she is still on the mend. Plus she has her children to think about and how they would react to Mom having a new relationship. Some mothers try to be careful about not jumping from one relationship to the next.

I also get the impression that maybe you are moving a bit faster than she is. Flirting and one time do not make a FWB relationship.

Work on the friendship and communication. Everything else will sort itself out. If you can't step back and just be a friend or begin dating with no sexual contact, perhaps you need to distance yourself from her while she works through her issues. I don't think you want to turn into a crutch that gets thrown aside when no longer needed.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

Any body can be a friend with benefits, and they come and go. The trouble is when feelings of attachment develops that's not shared by the other partner. Don't push it, or try to hold on too tight to what you had.

Getting attached through sex with someone going through a hard time, is a disaster waiting to happen in the first place.

[Silver fox 87]

How long before you had sex did she break up with her boyfriend? How is your friendship? What are your expectations? Are you looking for a relationship or for a playmate? Does she identify herself as Bi or are you giving her the label?

How old are her children?

Are you hanging out as friends with no expectations of sexual contact on your part? When you are with her are you making it clear you want more? Could she be getting the impression that sex is all you want? Is she initiating talk/actions and then pulling back?

If she just got of the relationship with her ex she may be needing space and time to work through the emotional baggage break-ups leave behind. You may be great friends but sex and anything romantic may need to wait. Without realizing it you could be putting pressure on her that she isn't ready to deal with at this time.

Frankly, I think what you have is a good friendship and she was looking for comfort and distractions after her break-up. I have a feeling a show of sympathy may have gone farther than she was ready for and that she is still on the mend. Plus she has her children to think about and how they would react to Mom having a new relationship. Some mothers try to be careful about not jumping from one relationship to the next.

I also get the impression that maybe you are moving a bit faster than she is. Flirting and one time do not make a FWB relationship.

Work on the friendship and communication. Everything else will sort itself out. If you can't step back and just be a friend or begin dating with no sexual contact, perhaps you need to distance yourself from her while she works through her issues. I don't think you want to turn into a crutch that gets thrown aside when no longer needed.

Good luck.

To answer the question we have a great friendship and her kids are 6,2 and 11 months, she identifies herself as bi, that's how the whole thing got started she approached me with the flirting and so on, we slept together about 1 month after she broke up with her boyfriend but we have been flirting for like 6 months, I have inclined that I might want more but she only sees me as a friend with benefits, she seems to be distant after it happened but she says that it was a great experience?

[Cat1864]

To answer the question we have a great friendship and her kids are 6,2 and 11 months, she identifies herself as bi, that's how the whole thing got started she approached me with the flirting and so on, we slept together about 1 month after she broke up with her boyfriend but we have been flirting for like 6 months, I have inclined that I might want more but she only sees me as a friend with benefits, she seems to be distant after it happened but she says that it was a great experience?

You confirmed one of my concerns. She is at best a very confused person who needs time on her own to heal and relearn how to stand on her own feet.

She has come very close to sliding from one relationship into the next one and that is not healthy for her, the next person and/or the next relationship.

The reason it is unhealthy is because people need to take time to unpack the emotional baggage they store up during a relationship and break-up. If they don't then (usually without meaning to) they attempt to make someone else responsible for their past issues which adds unneeded stress to a developing relationship. It also can result in a pattern developing of the person deciding it is easier to find someone new rather than work through the relationship issues with their current partner.

Be her friend without benefits and give her support while she deals with getting her life back on track and her children's needs. But don't expect more right now.