[letitsnow324]

My boyfriend and I are 20 and 19 respectively, and we've been dating for just under 4 months. He's my very first boyfriend, and although it's early in our relationship, I can see us being long term.

The issue is that, I'm Indian, and my boyfriend isn't. Like many Indian parents, mine wish for me to get an arranged marriage with another Indian boy of the same caste. They're also super averse to the idea of dating-- not only do they think it's a waste of time, but they also think that it encourages bad behavior and results in unhappy marriages. :-/

My original plan was to just tell them when I got back from college, but I decided that it is too early in our relationship. I plan to tell them at the end of the next school year, if my boyfriend and I are still together. At this point, so much could change, and we also wouldn't be seeing one another that much during the summer. I'd just like to make sure that we're serious before I tell my parents about us.

I also don't want to break my parents' hearts. My parents are great, intelligent people, and I look up to them in so many different ways. But they were brought up in an entirely different environment/time, so their worldview is bound to be distinct from mine. So I would hate to tell them if it's not actually worth it. Also, I don't want something like this to drive us apart, but they ARE pretty bent on this whole arranged marriage and anti-dating-other-races thing. :-(

So I was wondering if someone could give me some advice on how to approach my parents on this topic? I've started telling my parents various things about my boyfriend, except I talk about him as though he's just a friend. I've shown my mom his Facebook profile and talked about how much I look up to him and what not. I've also tried to start more marriage/relationship related discussions with my mom, but I haven't been able to with my dad (he thinks this sort of thing is a fluffy waste of time, lol). Anything else I could do to help ease my parents into the news of me having a boyfriend? Also, do you agree with my rationale for postponing telling my parents about him?

Thanks!
:-)

[Wondergirl]

Let's look at the entire forest instead of just one tree. If this boyfriend doesn't work out, will you be willing to go along with the arranged marriage tradition with a man your parents choose?

[letitsnow324]

:-) Thanks for your reply!

Well, I would strongly prefer to be able to date other guys if my boyfriend and I don't end up working out, rather than wait for an arranged marriage. Also, a big part of the reason they'd be upset over dating is how our extended family will view us if they knew I had a boyfriend. I sometimes wonder if they in fact think arranged marriages are the best, or if image is the main concern. It's a difficult subject to broach with them without arousing suspicion, though.

If I wind up in my early 30's unmarried yet wanting to get married, perhaps I'd be willing to let my parents help set me up with some nice Indian man.

[talaniman]

I defer to your own judgment since you seem pragmatic and realistic in your approach. The danger though is they find the truth from another source other than you. That will not be received well so you and your guy better take that into account while dating and being a couple.

While I believe you are of age to make your own decisions, honesty is what should be between parents and kids, of age, or not, or it will destroy trust. I know you fear what they may say, or do, but I bet your mom is waiting for you to trust her.

Good Luck.

[Alty]

You yourself stated that your parents expect you to marry an Indian boy of the same caste. You're dating someone that isn't even Indian.

No matter how long you wait, I doubt your parents will accept him. That leaves you with a few choices. Either you go against your parents, continue dating this boy, and if it works out and he proposes, you accept that your parents likely won't be a part of your life. Your second option is to follow your parents wishes, let them choose the man you are to marry, and hope that you can tolerate him.

You either stand up for what you want, or you bow to your parents ideals. Those are your choices. Your parents will only be happy if you choose their way. So you have to choose, your parents and an arranged marriage, or a man you actually love enough to marry. Doesn't sound like you can have both.

[letitsnow324]

You yourself stated that your parents expect you to marry an Indian boy of the same caste. You're dating someone that isn't even Indian.

No matter how long you wait, I doubt your parents will accept him. That leaves you with a few choices. Either you go against your parents, continue dating this boy, and if it works out and he proposes, you accept that your parents likely won't be a part of your life. Your second option is to follow your parents wishes, let them choose the man you are to marry, and hope that you can tolerate him.

You either stand up for what you want, or you bow to your parents ideals. Those are your choices. Your parents will only be happy if you choose their way. So you have to choose, your parents and an arranged marriage, or a man you actually love enough to marry. Doesn't sound like you can have both.

Thanks for your answers, everyone! :-) I just wanted to address Alty. Why do you think I'd have to pick between marrying a non-Indian and having ties with my parents? My parents are pretty traditional, yes, but they do genuinely care for my happiness. If he proposes (which won't be any time soon), my parents will be very, very upset; they will also probably feel super betrayed. But they love me enough that they wouldn't be able to block me out of their life.

Plus, they are reasonable to some extent, and I think that if they got to meet my boyfriend (perhaps even before I let them know about our relationship), they wouldn't actually be so averse to him. He is everything they would want in a guy for me, aside from the fact that he's not Indian (organized, extremely smart, pre-med, super rational, loving, etc).

[Alty]

Thanks for your answers, everyone! :-) I just wanted to address Alty. Why do you think I'd have to pick between marrying a non-Indian and having ties with my parents? My parents are pretty traditional, yes, but they do genuinely care for my happiness. If he proposes (which won't be any time soon), my parents will be very, very upset; they will also probably feel super betrayed. But they love me enough that they wouldn't be able to block me out of their life.

Plus, they are reasonable to some extent, and I think that if they got to meet my boyfriend (perhaps even before I let them know about our relationship), they wouldn't actually be so averse to him. He is everything they would want in a guy for me, aside from the fact that he's not Indian (organized, extremely smart, pre-med, super rational, loving, etc).

If they're likely to accept him once he proposes, why did you ask this question? Why are you so worried about introducing him to your parents as your boyfriend?

If everything will be okay, then just tell them. I don't understand why you're worried if there's nothing to worry about.

[talaniman]

If they're likely to accept him once he proposes, why did you ask this question? Why are you so worried about introducing him to your parents as your boyfriend?

If everything will be okay, then just tell them. I don't understand why you're worried if there's nothing to worry about.

I think the first boyfriend has her excited and she is looking down the road too soon and seeing obstacles.

You remember how that was don't you? :)

[Alty]

I think the first boyfriend has her excited and she is looking down the road too soon and seeing obstacles.

You remember how that was don't you? :)

Actually, truth told, I never worried about introducing any of my boyfriends to my parents. It was always made clear that anyone I loved, they'd love too. It was always my choice, not theirs.

The fact that the OP is Indian, and her parents want her to marry an Indian boy from the same sect, that's why I posted what I did. We get so many of these sorts of questions on this site, and I have yet to hear of one where the parents would be happy as long as the daughter is happy. They're usually very strict about who their children date, if they're even allowed to date, and who they marry.

[letitsnow324]

Actually, truth told, I never worried about introducing any of my boyfriends to my parents. It was always made clear that anyone I loved, they'd love too. It was always my choice, not theirs.

The fact that the OP is Indian, and her parents want her to marry an Indian boy from the same sect, that's why I posted what I did. We get so many of these sorts of questions on this site, and I have yet to hear of one where the parents would be happy as long as the daughter is happy. They're usually very strict about who their children date, if they're even allowed to date, and who they marry.

Alty, if I thought there was no hope for my parents and me simultaneously being happy, this question would have been a bit pointless. In fact, the very crux of this question is that I want to be able to date, yet not drive my parents out of my life. Will this cause a rift between us briefly? Yes, probably, but I think that if executed properly, they will eventually move on.

I wasn't trying to put down your answer or anything-- I was just curious why you think that I'd have to choose between having a boyfriend and having my parents in my life. I want my parents to see dating as not-so-evil. They're very progressive in their views on many other things (pro-life, pro-marriage equality, etc), just not this, so I think that there should be a way to reach out to them.

Also, I'm a bit surprised that most questions on this site feature kids whose parents couldn't be okay with something that makes their kids happy. Indian parents are really strict and traditional, but (at least ones that live outside of India) do generally enforce certain things because they think it's best for their kids' futures.

Anyway, thanks for all of your answers :-).