[dontknownuthin]

It's amazing how quickly things turn around when, instead or reacting in anger and defensiveness, you respond to someone who's upset with you in this way instead: "Clearly I have really hurt you and have not heard nor understood you. Will you give me the chance to try to do better? I'm very sorry for my part in this." If the person is still hurt and angry, maybe suggest, "you know what - for now, let me just say this: I don't want to hurt you and I know I've been wrong. Can we take a time out and go for lunch tomorrow? My relationship with you is really important and I don't want to screw it up. Let's take a breather and start fresh. Can we do that?" If they agree, you just say, "OK, then for now - just know this - I love you, my son and my grandchildren. The rest, we'll figure out."

It's hard to argue with someone who is apologizing, acting with compassion and listening in response.

[luv2befree]

Thank you for your very honest replies. I have done just about everything that you have suggested above, but hang on, you can draw a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. I have written to her, been to see her, been compassionate with her, not lost my cool have told her I was wrong and have apologised but I will NOT get on my bended hands and knees begging. I have asked her what I can do to make things right but, what do I get, abuse shouting swearing and told to get out. I KNOW I was wrong but for heavens sake, if the sillly girl won't accept my apologies or make a fresh start, then I have basically hit a brick wall.

I want to see my grandkids but, DIL, likes the power and control of every situation and enjoys all the drama of an argument and is also enjoying the ban she has put on me. I have made one big mistake and I am practically, hung, drawn and quartered for it. I am human and make mistakes, I am not perfect. Buy hey nor is she, trying to stop her boys seeing their dad and grandparents does not make her into a wonderful mother, I don't see any family values at all when someone uses children as weapons to get back at someone, in fact I think it is shocking.

She has many issues and problems but thinks she is perfect, I do feel for her as far as her upbringing is concerned and I tried from day one with her but like her first marriage (which ended in a bitter divorce), she got bored and she is obviously getting bored now and will do until the next mug comes along and marries her and it starts all over again. Poor children (she has a daughter from the first marriage).

You are right I do have to keep out but It is also very hard to stand back from this kind of situation when I hear my son arguing on the phone to her, looking depressed and wanting to talk.

We all knew she would be trouble right from the start but we all kept these feelings to ourselves until now. I think it is fair to say that we were right.

[joypulv]

AGAIN with the 'we all knew she would be trouble right from the start.'
I see a Gang of Four against a new wife instead of letting your son be a man.
I see a mama's boy running back to you.
I see a man who will not do what he has to do, because you are there.
I doubt that you will ever see that who you are has a lot to do with the type of person he chose to marry.

[JudyKayTee]

"We all knew she would be trouble right from the start but we all kept these feelings to ourselves until now. I think it is fair to say that we were right."

OP just doesn't get it! Apparently being right is all that matters.

I am sympathetic toward the DIL, quite frankly.

Wonder if the OP's parents picked her husband?

[dontknownuthin]

Well, since my posts in February, things are certainly unravelling. My son has left DIL, to add to what is going on, my son thinks that she is having an affair, I must admit from what he says he may be right due to her having quiet conversations on the phone in the back yard so he can't hear, hiding her phone, refusing to let him see her call logs, if she was innocent she wouldn't mind doing this surely? She originally blamed me and my daughter for their marriage being in trouble but I believe that was an excuse.

I wrote to my DIL about 4 weeks ago and apologised for not turning up to babysit that day and asked for her to draw a line under everything and move on but she just sent me nasty texts. Myself and my ex husband went to see her (my son's request) to try and sort things out, I asked her what she wanted me to do, she said you will have to prove yourself, she spoke to us like we were a couple of naughty children. During all this we have remained calm but she was having none of it, she ended up getting abusive, shouting, saying we don't care about our grandchildren, in the end she told us to get out and f*** off. We did try, very hard to make amends but failed unfortunately. My ex husband has had abusive phone calls from her and he has high blood pressure problems and all this is not doing him any good. My son is now staying with me, he is paying maintenance for the boys but she wants more and has threatened to stop him seeing the boys if he doesn't cough up so she is using the children as weapons which I think is absolutely shocking. I just wish he had listened to us and his sister years ago, we warned him that this would happen.

DIL has serious emotional problems although to her she is perfect and doesn't do anything wrong. Her temper is vile. I reckon their marriage is all but over but it is the 2 little boys I am so worried about and I don't know what to do except support my son.

She probably is calling a lawyer. Or an emergency hotline. For the love of Pete, shy do your shiny adult kids call you about all their private issues with other people? Your son should work out his marriage or divorce without involving the family. Slandering his children's mother... new low.

She probably is calling a lawyer. Or an emergency hotline. For the love of Pete, shy do your shiny adult kids call you about all their private issues with other people? Your son should work out his marriage or divorce without involving the family. Slandering his children's mother...new low.

Lol... got to love autocorrect on my I phone... meant to say "why do your whining kids..."

[JudyKayTee]

If this were not a family tragedy it would be humorous. Here are some examples of I have “been compassionate with her”:

“Myself, husband and daughter always had our doubts about her, she has come from an unsettled background, never knowing her dad was has left looking after her 2 younger brothers, at one point she was in a children's home, she has a lot of anger in her. I did warn my son but he was smitten and married her.”

“The call was cut short and my daughter phoned me in bits, I was upset as well. I normally looked after my son's eldest boy on a Wednesday but felt I couldn't do it as it would have been letting my daughter down, as she was so upset, I also didn't feel I could face daughter-in-law either after all the filthy language.”

“To be honest, I don't see how their relationship can work if she has put so many restrictions on him”

“son phoned this morning to say he had to call the police because she was violent to him, she was arrested and taken into custody. The girl has serious anger issues. I have got the blame as I believe she wants my son to stop having contact with me. God I wish he had never met her.”

“I may think about the letter but knowing her nature I think she would just throw it in the bin. She doesn't want to know me, I don't feel as if I have done anything that bad except take sides with my daughter, and this is what happened. DIL has many problems that need to be addressed, she does fall out with everyone, her mum from time to time, brothers, sister-in-law and a close friend who is god mother to her eldest child, so it is not just me. I feel that she has caused a lot of destruction within the family and this hurts.”

“ my son thinks that she is having an affair, I must admit from what he says he may be right due to her having quiet conversations on the phone in the back yard so he can't hear, hiding her phone, refusing to let him see her call logs, if she was innocent she wouldn't mind doing this surely? She originally blamed me and my daughter for their marriage being in trouble but I believe that was an excuse.”

“I just wish he had listened to us and his sister years ago, we warned him that this would happen. DIL has serious emotional problems although to her she is perfect and doesn't do anything wrong.”

“I KNOW I was wrong but for heavens sake, if the sillly girl... She has many issues and problems but thinks she is perfect, I do feel for her as far as her upbringing is concerned and I tried from day one with her but like her first marriage (which ended in a bitter divorce), she got bored and she is obviously getting bored now and will do until the next mug comes along and marries her and it starts all over again. Poor children (she has a daughter from the first marriage.. . e all knew she would be trouble right from the start but we all kept these feelings to ourselves until now. I think it is fair to say that we were right.”

I think it's fair to say that never knowing her father, coming from an unsettled background (whatever that means), took care of her two younger brothers (I would think that's a virtue, not a fault) and being placed in a children's home are NOT the fault of the daughter in law. I would love to know the OP's opinion on the “status” of her family, now that it's clear that the DIL is somehow inferior and unworthy to be part of her family.

I further suspect, now that OP has brought God into the scenario that God, likewise, wishes her son and the DIL had never met.

I see a child with two children, running to his mother for support, making her his confidant, and I see a meddling (at best) MIL who is going to be right no matter who it hurts, and that includes her grandchildren. I see a MIL who is not going to give the DIL the benefit of the doubt no matter what. She's having an affair because she won't share her telephone logs with her husband? She's probably lining up witnesses and talking to an Attorney!

The sister calls the mother when she gets into an argument with the DIL - doesn't anyone in this family handle his/her own problems himself/herself? Mom appears to be the clearinghouse, and I suspect that's at least 75% of the problem.

Would I allow the OP in the vicinity of my children? No. I would not be surprised if the DIL's attorney is making every move to keep the MIL out of her children's lives, now and forever. If this is the OP's opinion of the DIL, no way should she have contact with the children. No way. Sometimes the Court gets it right. I hope this is one of those times.


The OP herself is divorced, throwing stones at the once-divorced DIL.