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phenomenal woma · Mar 15, 2013, 07:31 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Recently we discovered that he has been intimate with one of my good friends fourteen years ago, before I knew him. They were co-workers and he says that they were intimate twice. Prior to the "discovery", I had only referred to her by her first name. It wasn't until I mentioned that she once worked at a company that he worked for, that he asked her full name. I haven't said anything to my friend about it. She only knows him as my "boyfriend".

She has since (14 yrs ago) married and had two children and is currently going through a divorce. She is a close friend of mine, but during my relationship she was so busy being a wife and mother that we didn't speak much so she has no idea who I am with. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and I always wanted her in my wedding (I was in hers). Now I am not sure how to approach this.

Do I speak to her about this: ask or just tell her my boyfriend's name and see if she volunteers any info. Or do I leave it alone. Am I opening up a can of worms if I bring it up. I'm confused. Please help.

talaniman · Mar 15, 2013, 07:39 PM

One would hope the straight honest approach would work, but I have to ask why would you want info about what happened between them 14 years ago?

What's your boyfriends position in all this? Have you talked to him?

phenomenal woma · Mar 15, 2013, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

One would hope the straight honest approach would work, but I have to ask why would you want info about what happened between them 14 years ago?

Whats your boyfriends position in all this? Have you talked to him?

He says it is up to me and that he is fine with any way that I want to approach it. It's not so much about what happened, it's just a bit uncomfortable. I was just wondering if it is something that is worth even bringing up to her. I mean, they are going to be in the same space at least once... at my wedding.

talaniman · Mar 15, 2013, 07:50 PM

Then talk to her, and see if she is comfortable with it.

phenomenal woma · Mar 15, 2013, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Then talk to her, and see if she is comfortable with it.

Should I tell her everything that he told me or just tell her his full (since they worked together and see if she volunteers info) I realize she may be as uncomfortable as I am.

talaniman · Mar 15, 2013, 08:28 PM

Why is that even important? Leave the past in the past. What difference would it make?

phenomenal woma · Mar 15, 2013, 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why is that even important? Leave the past in the past. What difference would it make?

It wouldn't change anything as far as I'm concerned. I was just thinking about when we are all in the same place, wouldn't want her to be caught off guard or for any of us to feel awkward. I don't know her side of the story or how she views him or their fling, but as I said it wouldn't make a difference.
I really appreciate your advice by the way. Thanks.

talaniman · Mar 16, 2013, 07:52 AM

I don't think I would let my friend walk into a situation where she would be shocked, or feel awkward. Give her the facts about what she is in for at your wedding, you are marrying her ex, and let her have time to decide how to handle it. The more time the better.

That would be fair without the details of what happened. Even if she sees it differently than your boyfriend did. Or has forgotten most of what he remembers.

smkanand · Mar 16, 2013, 10:56 AM

Your friend moved on long time back, you should also do the same. Both of you get married and invite her, tell her the facts. She will understand it for sure , don't do it on wedding day. Call her and talk friendly, its up to her to come or not.

phenomenal woma · Mar 16, 2013, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by smkanand

Your friend moved on long time back, you should also do the same. both of you get married and invite her, tell her the facts. she will understand it for sure , don't do it on wedding day. call her and talk friendly, its up to her to come or not.

Thanks. I appreciate your advice. I was on the fence on whether I should say anything at all but they will both be present, in the same place eventually... so it's inevitable. If she never says anything about it, should I feel some kind of way?

smkanand · Mar 16, 2013, 12:11 PM

I said leave it on her, your responsibility as a good friend is to tell her facts and invite her. Keep your behaviour normal and tell same to your boyfriend. Let your friend decide how to react or even not to react. One more thing, don't discuss your boyfriends view with her, just informed her that you are getting married to whom you love and the one who loves you. If she chooses to stay silent then you should remain the same.best wishes.

phenomenal woma · Mar 16, 2013, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by smkanand

I said leave it on her, ur responsibility as a good friend is to tell her facts and invite her. Keep ur behaviour normal and tell same to ur boyfriend. Let ur friend decide how to react or even not to react. One more thing, don't discuss ur boyfriends view with her, just informed her that you r getting married to whom you love and the one who loves you. If she chooses to stay silent then you should remain the same.best wishes.

Thank you!

phenomenal woma · Apr 7, 2013, 07:15 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Recently we discovered that he has been intimate with one of my good friends fourteen years ago, before I knew him. They were co-workers and he says that they were intimate twice. Prior to the "discovery", I had only referred to her by her first name. It wasn't until I mentioned that she once worked at a company that he worked for, that he asked her full name. I haven't said anything to my friend about it. She only knows him as my "boyfriend".

She has since (14 yrs ago) married and had two children and is currently going through a divorce. She is a close friend of mine, but during my relationship she was so busy being a wife and mother that we didn't speak much so she has no idea who I am with. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage and I always wanted her in my wedding (I was in hers). Now I am not sure how to approach this.

Do I speak to her about this: ask or just tell her my boyfriend's name and see if she volunteers any info. Or do I leave it alone. Am I opening up a can of worms if I bring it up. I'm confused. Please help.

talaniman · Apr 7, 2013, 07:20 PM

Why are you reposting the same question again? Has nothing changed?

Wondergirl · Apr 7, 2013, 07:28 PM

She's married, has children, it was 14 years ago, she will recognize his name on the wedding invitation, and will have at least six weeks to mention anything to you before the wedding. If she doesn't say anything and shows up at the wedding and reception, no big deal. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

If she is your good friend, why doesn't she know your fiance's last name?

phenomenal woma · Apr 7, 2013, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why are you reposting the same question again? Has nothing changed?

I wanted more insight. I casually mentioned my boyfriend's name to my friend as I was ending a conversation with her. (I mentioned that he worked at the same company that she did but that was a while ago) She did not say anything about him so I didn't pry. I think I will leave it alone but I was curious if anyone else might have any new opinions regarding my situation.

Wondergirl · Apr 7, 2013, 07:32 PM

Originally Posted by phenomenal woma

I wanted more insight. I casually mentioned my boyfriend's name to my friend as I was ending a convo with her. (I mentioned that he worked at the same company that she did but that was a while ago) She did not say anything about him so I didn't pry. I think I will leave it alone but I was curious if anyone else might have any new opinions regarding my situation.

No more insight is needed. It was years ago and it over and her life has moved along elsewhere. Leave it alone!!

Since she is going through a divorce, are you now feeling insecure that she will seek him out again?

phenomenal woma · Apr 7, 2013, 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She's married, has children, it was 14 years ago, she will recognize his name on the wedding invitation, and will have at least six weeks to mention anything to you before the wedding. If she doesn't say anything and shows up at the wedding and reception, no big deal. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

If she is your good friend, why doesn't she know your fiance's last name?

Thanks.
Time and circumstances (her being married and very busy) put distance between us. These days we speak much more. I actually had mentioned his name to her a while back, but I don't think she made the correlation. The fact that they worked at the same company may ring bells.

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No more insight is needed. It was years ago and it over and her life has moved along elsewhere. Leave it alone!!!!!!!!!!!

Since she is going through a divorce, are you now feeling insecure that she will seek him out again?

No, I am not concerned about her seeking him.
I was wondering if we were ever in a situation where the three of us were present (including my wedding), if there would be any awkwardness. Would she feel blind sighted?

Wondergirl · Apr 7, 2013, 07:44 PM

Originally Posted by phenomenal woma

No, I am not concerned about her seeking him.
I was wondering if we were ever in a situation where the three of us were present (including my wedding), if there would be any awkwardness. Would she feel blind sighted?

It's blindsided, not blind sighted. No, but it seems like YOU would feel awkward, since you seem to be obsessing over this bit of nothingness in your fiance's past. Are you going to be able to continue to be her friend?

phenomenal woma · Apr 7, 2013, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It's blindsided, not blind sighted. No, but it seems like YOU would feel awkward, since you seem to be obsessing over this bit of nothingness in your fiance's past. Are you going to be able to continue to be her friend?

Yes, I am still her friend. I have no issues with her. And to be honest it is a bit awkward but nothing that I can not deal with. I just was not sure how should handle it.