[jeremy4719]

Is it normal to believe you are happy one minute, and ready to get out the next? I've been with my fiancé for 1yr and 4mo... We've had a good relationship for the most part, until the last few months... I've had numerous thoughts of getting out of the relationship because of negative attitudes and lack of physical intimacy... Sometimes we have a great week and I think "I can't wait to marry this woman."... And other weeks (like this one), I think time to move on... I've asked her to be more possitive, but she always says "i'm a rude person and i'm not a happy person on average." I always try to put a possitive spin on things when she says stuff like that, but am I kidding myself? She tells me she loves me and that I make her so happy, but I feel like I'm not getting my fair share of the happiness (my desired happiness)... What do I do?

[mckenzie134]

Move on

[talaniman]

If you can't deal with the ups and downs of a relationship, then marriage is not for you. Talk and listen. Is this female still working her butt off and putting the crazy hours in?

[jeremy4719]

Well she appologized this morning... I am not moving on anytime soon... I love this woman, I think I just need to vent more often then not...

P.S - She is cutting her hours from 150 per two weeks to about 100-110... MUCH BETTER!

[kp2171]

Is it normal to have ups and downs? Yes. Some days you see the best in your partner, some days you hang on every possible flaw.

Relationships take work. Its not the relationship or the institution of marriage that's broken. It's the people. We are flawed in a number of ways. Just the human condition. What a relationship does do is it makes you face your flaws and your frustrations, and it puts you in constant contact with other peoples flaws. I've heard more people grump about marriage, when its really themselves, and not the marriage, that is causing the problems.

So what does this mean to you? Well... just because she said "im sorry" doesn't mean its right, or wrong, for you. I dated a girl who tended to see the worst in things at times. She could be a blast too... but after several years of dating I just felt weighed down by the negative energy.

So if you want to stay and try to work it out, that's OK. Again, relationships take work whether they are going to last the ages or fall apart. But know a few things...

You can't fix her world and you can't do the work to make her a happy person. You can treat her well, you can be a good man... but in the end, if she is determined to see the worst life has to offer, she will. So don't think "if i can just do a little more" it'll save anything. You need balance. She needs to be working her arse off too to make you happy.

Your original post shows there are some areas, like sexual compatibility or intimacy, that you aren't meshing on. You need to be in the same ballpark on this one. Scour the threads here and you will see many, many people in marriages and long term relationships who are miserable because their partner isn't intimate.

It is something you need to consider and not feel guilty about. My partner and I started close to the same place. Sometimes were not on the same page. Life gets in the way. Kids make it harder. Work can drain you. But if you seriously feel like you don't get enough attention intimately, you really should talk about it and try to see if this is just a bump or a red flag. As I said, there are 20 year marriages ending because the partner is sick of not having their needs met, emotionally and physically.

And lastly, if you choose to stay with a person, and you know their traits, it isn't fair to punish them or gripe to them about those traits too much. Can you try to make someone who is a little sloppy a little more respectful? Sure. Can you request a partner change some little things? Happens every day.

But can you be with someone who is a pessimist and then be angry with them when they affect your life with that attitude? I think that's a fine line. If you choose to stay, you do so without the condition that you can change them. Hopefully her attitude will change a little, or yours will, so that you both are not conflicting. But again, if you stay you chose to. You can't complain to your partner about this all the time.

Hope things go better. Cutting back on work should help some. If a person doesn't get any time to themselves and doesn't get any mental breaks the intimate side of a relationship is often one of the first places that suffer.

Does she get any time to herself? Are you guys always together? If she doesn't get any time to herself, even if its just going to the bookstore or sitting at the beach, etc... that's another way to help her be more connected to you. My wife calls it my "cave time"... when she knows I just want to be alone for a little while.. and usually when its over I'm mentally ready to be engaged again. Something to think about. Its easy to spend all your time on a relationship and none on yourself.