[greenqueen17]

Hello All,

I have come to you today with one of the many problems in my life currently. My issue is that my boyfriend spends a lot of time with his new female friend. What's even worse, is that I do too. I go out to lunch with her, we have movie nights, and talk a lot. I am still jealous of their relationship. I read his messages with her hoping to find something to validate my feelings, but all I find is normal conversation. For some reason, this bothers me even more.

My boyfriend's parents recently started having some problems and his friend has been comforting him accordingly. She doesn't do anything bad, she even has a boyfriend herself, but I feel like she's doing a better job than I am. My boyfriend even told her that she's quickly become one of the most important people in his life, and that scares the hell out of me.

This girl is really cool, and she's a lot like me in so many ways, except that I'm sure her confidence is on a completely different level than mine. I've never been a confident person, and that's just because I have no real talent (another issue for another forum).

I don't know what to do about this, every additional inside joke between them increases my feelings of worthlessness and I hate that I'm not as fun as she is. He chose to be with me nearly a year ago, but if he had met her first, I'm sure they would be together now.

[joypulv]

You wrote about this very clearly and succinctly and honestly, and that's admirable. So you sound like an overall fine person. I don't really have any words of wisdom, nor strong suggestions, because I really do believe that you have a dilemma. It's normal to be jealous of a friend who could easily be a lover!
I do wonder how much you two have discussed this. If he insists that it's all just friendship, you have no choice but to take it or leave it. I wonder what he would say if presented with the question 'Would you fall for her if she didn't have a boyfriend, and we weren't together?' The trouble is that those conversations rarely result in a confession. I'm sure he will say they are just friends. Maybe they are. And then you have to deal with your feelings.
Maybe give yourself a deadline of time tolerance and prepare to have to break up, including a place to live and all that practical stuff. Don't give him any ultimatums, give yourself one.

[C0bra_M3nace]

Do you trust him? Trust is one of the most important ingredients in a healthy relationship. If you really don't trust him then you might as well give him up now because eventually those trust issues will grab hold of your relationship and tear it apart. They don't call jealousy the green-eyed monster for nothing.

Have you even tried talking to him about it? If he's like most people, he doesn't have a clue how you feel right now. That is until you tell him. Just calmly explain to him what you just told us. Keep it simple and try to leave out the word "you" so you don't turn it into a confrontation. He may not even notice that he's making you feel this way and might be willing to cut back on some time with her.

If you decide you can't trust him you might want to consider leaving. No one is worth that kind of anxiety.

[Cat1864]

She has a boyfriend. She isn't looking to take yours away from you. He doesn't seem to be looking to stray. This all seems to be coming back to how you think about yourself.

You need to find your confidence. Security comes from inside. You need to stop tearing yourself apart and start building up support for yourself. Stop comparing yourself to her or anyone else. You aren't her. You aren't the woman down the street or the man at the store or the celebrity on the news. You are you.

Everyone has a talent, interest, hobby, etc. that can help them feel good about themselves. It takes experimentation to find what yours is. It doesn't matter if you are the best at it or the worst. It only matters that you enjoy it and it encourages you to feel good on the inside.

If your boyfriend is going through a tough time because of his parents, he may be unconsciously trying not to burden you with what he is going through. There are times when it is easier to talk to someone more removed from the situation. Kind of like you talking to us instead of confronting him. Let him know you are there for him. Give him support in your own way.

Do you have any close friends other than him? Someone who you can sit down and vent and rant with or blow off steam being silly. Is she that friend for you, too? Is that part of the problem?

If she is your friend too, talk with her. Not about your relationship with your boyfriend but how you can find your own self-confidence. If she is a lot like you, she might be able to help you find some ideas you haven't thought of trying before.

[greenqueen17]

Thank you joypulv and C0bra_M3nace.

When they started hanging out (before I was her friend too) he noticed I didn't like it too much. He knew we would get along because we were so similar so he urged me to get to know her better. It was then that we talked about my insecurities a little and he thought spending time with her would make me feel better.

The trouble is that it made it worse, and now I feel like my feelings toward her are completely irrational, but I can't get over it. I feel like she's better for him, with the way I see them interact with each other. She's just more fun, and I feel like I'm holding him back from the most enjoyable relationship he could possibly have.

He's the most trustworthy guy I've ever met, but I have problems trusting people. I have no reason to mistrust him, but I find myself wanting to.

Cat1864, I'm not a very social person and, even at a college with extremely outgoing people, it's really hard to make close friends. I don't have anyone I can talk to that I feel cares about my situation.

My mom and I aren't very close and I only tell her what I need to because she doesn't really help with the confidence issue. I have tried to confide in people before and I always feel like I'm wasting my time.

Believe me, I wish I had "that person" I could talk to about everything, but there is no such person in my life. I mean, that's why I'm discussing my life with total strangers...

Regarding my lack of confidence, I understand what you're saying about talents. Maybe it is true that I haven't found mine yet, but as a junior in college, it's hard to keep believing that there is still something I haven't tried that I'm good at.

[Wondergirl]

If you could spend the next three hours doing something (no limits), what would it be?

[C0bra_M3nace]

Thank you joypulv and C0bra_M3nace.

When they started hanging out (before I was her friend too) he noticed I didn't like it too much. He knew we would get along because we were so similar so he urged me to get to know her better. It was then that we talked about my insecurities a little and he thought spending time with her would make me feel better.

The trouble is that it made it worse, and now I feel like my feelings toward her are completely irrational, but I can't get over it. I feel like she's better for him, with the way I see them interact with each other. She's just more fun, and I feel like I'm holding him back from the most enjoyable relationship he could possibly have.

He's the most trustworthy guy I've ever met, but I have problems trusting people. I have no reason to mistrust him, but I find myself wanting to.

Does he know that getting to know her made it worse? I can see exactly where you're coming from but I don't think you have anything to worry about. Like I said, tell him how you feel, he may not have a clue. In the meantime, try to practice setting those feelings aside. Don't compare yourself to others, instead compare yourself to you, who you've been and who you want to be because there's only one you.

[joypulv]

I don't see what 'having no real talent' has to do with any of this, other than your own rationalization for your supposed lack of confidence. I think your jealousy is normal and understandable, especially in light of the fact that you are doing everything possible to quash it by being her friend too. I don't even see why you have to be her friend too, when it's clear that it makes you uncomfortable. When I put myself in your shoes, I want to put my foot down!
On the other hand (foot?), I drove my boyfriend crazy years ago by not only staying friendly with my ex but continuing to work for him at his company. Often just the two of us in the office. I knew it meant nothing, I knew I wasn't doing anything, but my new boyfriend didn't, and I was thoughtless. I was good at the job and needed the work so I just kept doing it. Eventually my ex got together with my roommate and I moved in with my boyfriend, so that worked out. The resentment lingered, however, and came out at times.

This is always a difficult topic, because people do need friends outside of their romantic relationships. To my mind it all boils down to what you can tolerate, nothing more or less, once you have exhausted all efforts at communication.

[greenqueen17]

If you could spend the next three hours doing something (no limits), what would it be?

Today? Writing.

Which is actually what I'm doing right now, apart from responding to this thread.

Does he know that getting to know her made it worse? I can see exactly where you're coming from but I don't think you have anything to worry about. Like I said, tell him how you feel, he may not have a clue. In the meantime, try to practice setting those feelings aside. Don't compare youself to others, instead compare yourself to you, who you've been and who you want to be because there's only one you.

I will talk to him about it again, and see where it gets me. I just feel so selfish at this point because he's already dealing with his parents and here I am, causing petty issues.

I don't see what 'having no real talent' has to do with any of this, other than your own rationalization for your supposed lack of confidence. I think your jealousy is normal and understandable, especially in light of the fact that you are doing everything possible to quash it by being her friend too. I don't even see why you have to be her friend too, when it's clear that it makes you uncomfortable. When I put myself in your shoes, I want to put my foot down!
On the other hand (foot?), I drove my boyfriend crazy years ago by not only staying friendly with my ex but continuing to work for him at his company. Often just the two of us in the office. I knew it meant nothing, I knew I wasn't doing anything, but my new bf didn't, and I was thoughtless. I was good at the job and needed the work so I just kept doing it. Eventually my ex got together with my roommate and I moved in with my bf, so that worked out. The resentment lingered, however, and came out at times.

This is always a difficult topic, because people do need friends outside of their romantic relationships. To my mind it all boils down to what you can tolerate, nothing more or less, once you have exhausted all efforts at communication.

When I look at her and I look at me, I'm pretty damn jealous that she's spent her college years growing and developing as a useful person to society, while I've just been looking for more excuses to feel sorry for myself. I know that people develop at different rates and learn differently, etc. but I don't think there's much to work with in my case.

I want to be her friend because I want to be at her stage of emotional maturity, and not stuck in this whiny rut. The way I deal with my confidence issues, is by (ironically enough) trying to copy what other people did.

[joypulv]

OK... I think. I mean, does she have to be the one friend you aspire to be more like? Your boyfriend's new found best friend? It's a tough call. But you call the shots here and at home, and it sounds like you are leaning heavily toward defending and maintaining this triangle. We are just your sounding board.

[C0bra_M3nace]

I will talk to him about it again, and see where it gets me. I just feel so selfish at this point because he's already dealing with his parents and here I am, causing petty issues.

Dealing with it isn't hard, sure it's easier said than done but it's only as hard as you want it to be. You just need to rest your emotions on the shoulders of your trust in him.

When I look at her and I look at me, I'm pretty damn jealous that she's spent her college years growing and developing as a useful person to society, while I've just been looking for more excuses to feel sorry for myself. I know that people develop at different rates and learn differently, etc., but I don't think there's much to work with in my case.

I want to be her friend because I want to be at her stage of emotional maturity, and not stuck in this whiny rut. The way I deal with my confidence issues, is by (ironically enough) trying to copy what other people did.

I don't know why people beat themselves up over the reflections of others. Why compare yourself to others when you can take all of that energy and focus it into making yourself feel better about you.

Life isn't all about being good at things it's about being able to enjoy those things regardless.

[Cat1864]

Regarding my lack of confidence, I understand what you're saying about talents. Maybe it is true that I haven't found mine yet, but as a junior in college, it's hard to keep believing that there is still something I haven't tried that I'm good at.

You may not believe this, but you are just starting. And you don't have to be good at something to enjoy it and for it to help you feel good.

What if I told you that I am extremely shy and that I my self-confidence takes a lot of propping up?

This may sound strange, but I encourage you to look through our other boards (especially the discussion ones) and interact with us. You will find that we cover everything from hobbies to frustrations. You aren't wasting your time sharing with us and you can't waste our time.

Welcome to the AMHD community where you can be yourself and learn new ways and directions to grow.

[talaniman]

I too think you would benefit greatly from being a part of his online community. Not only will you make some great friends, but you will always have wisdom, and guidance from some very wise females, AND males.

Seems you have been adopted any way, may as well hang out when you can.