Check out some similar questions!

Lostmybff · Aug 23, 2012, 10:24 AM

Tomorrow starts week 3. My Fiance' and I have been together for almost seven years and engaged for almost 2 years. We were both previously married. I met him when he was in the midst of his divorce and I was divorced 2 years. We had a wonderful relationship. He loved me and told everyone so. Everyone always commented how much we loved each other and how we got along so well.

Starting a few months ago he made friends with a women whom he said was just a friend. I freaked out not believing that because he never introduced me to her and would not tell me anything else about her. Finally HER long term boyfriend called him and I guess that ended their friendship.

We were together the last weekend of July had a wonderful weekend. We live apart but always had free reign at each others homes. I have 2 kids. He has 2 kids. One of his is still in school. Both of mine are. So we decided to keep separate homes until they were all out of school. Anyway, we had a nice weekend... made love a lot like we always do!

Then Wednesday he was distant and said he didn't feel like talking. On Friday I went to his house as usual and he as soon as I got there he said he wanted to end it he met someone else a week before (?) and he just left... I waited and waited called and called and he turned off his phone. I stayed and went to sleep. He didn't come home until 10:00 the following morning and I was walking out the door.

For the first few days I called, texted and cried... then I stopped... now for the past 2 weeks he has been calling me several times a day, asking how I am, telling me about all the usual stuff. He said he's sorry he hurt me so bad and caused me so much pain. That when he though about our future he was afraid he would make the same mistakes with me that he made in his first marriage. (he swore to me he never cheated) He thinks he didn't cheat because he didn't sleep with this new "thing" until he broke it off with me (probably the same night) but I consider it cheating. I know its not the original women that he was "friends" with. Its someone else. Don't know and don't care who. He said that when I'm ready he would love to see me. I told him not right now. That I would think about that.

I always answer his calls. We email back and forth. He didn't ask for the ring back. He owns the house I live in (bought it 5 years ago) He bought it because it was bigger than the previous house I was in and we said when my kids were grown we would sell it or rent it. I also drive one of his cars. My daughter needed a car to get back and forth to work so he gave me one of his. (he has 3 cars and a truck) He told me to keep the car and the house that we would keep things the way they were if I wanted to. I don't have much a choice at this point. At least not for a few months.

I feel like he's trying to keep me on the back burner until he decides what he wants. Help!

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 23, 2012, 10:30 AM

He's either keeping you on the back burner or he just wants his cake and eat it too. Hard to say really. Have you tried talking to him, see where his priorities seem to be? Maybe you should focus on getting yourself straightened out, you never know when he's going to start wanting his stuff back.

Lostmybff · Aug 23, 2012, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by C0bra_M3nace

He's either keeping you on the back burner or he just wants his cake and eat it too. Hard to say really. Have you tried talking to him, see where his priorities seem to be? Maybe you should focus on getting yourself straightened out, you never know when he's going to start wanting his stuff back.

I don't want to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He talks to me so sweet just like he always did. He is 53 and I'm 51 its not like we are kids. He even said yesterday about the car needing inspected and he'll make arrangements to have it inspected and the oil changed. Just like usual. He has elderly parents that are not well and he is the only one to take care of them. Since his dad got sick in December it seems he has just drifted from me. And my hysterical reaction to his "friend" didn't help our relationship. We truly did have a great relationship. Disagreements for sure but never ever went a day without making up and always talked everything out. We were playmates as very young children, neighbors. He went to Catholic school and I went to public so we didn't run in the same circles. 7 years ago one of my friends invited him for drinks because she knew he was going through a divorce and told him she had the perferct friend for him. When we saw each other after 43 years that was it.. it was so amazing that she thought of us together and never even knew that we would have known each other all those years ago. . neither one of us ever looked back and from that night forward we were together.

C0bra_M3nace · Aug 23, 2012, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by Lostmybff

I don't want to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. He talks to me so sweet just like he always did. He is 53 and I'm 51 its not like we are kids. He even said yesterday about the car needing inspected and he'll make arrangements to have it inspected and the oil changed. Just like usual. He has elderly parents that are not well and he is the only one to take care of them. Since his dad got sick in December it seems he has just drifted from me. And my hysterical reaction to his "friend" didnt help our relationship. We truly did have a great relationship. Disagreements for sure but never ever went a day without making up and always talked everything out. We were playmates as very young children, neighbors. He went to Catholic school and I went to public so we didnt run in the same circles. 7 years ago one of my friends invited him for drinks because she knew he was going through a divorce and told him she had the perferct friend for him. When we saw each other after 43 years that was it..it was so amazing that she thought of us together and never even knew that we would have known each other all those years ago. .neither one of us ever looked back and from that night forward we were together.

Interesting.

Maybe his father falling ill might have a bit to do with it. It's again hard to say, everyone reacts to situations differently. I still, however, feel you should start working on some stability for yourself. You're in it deep with him, living in his house, driving his car. If he wakes up and feels that you're using him tomorrow, he could take you for everything you have right now.

As far as the relationship goes, unless you can sit down with him and figure out what's going on in his head, there's no telling what will happen next.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2012, 02:41 PM

On some level, for whatever reason he wants to explore and experiment, and you must ackowledge and accept that fact. I realize the shock of it, and it's a shame you are so dependent on his good will, and continuing good willat this time. That could change and you better protect yourself even if he is your landlord. Hope its in writing.

Work on giving his charity cars back, and know for fact, he has a vested interest in keeping you close,not only as a renter/buyer,but as a safety net if his experiments fail.

I wouldn't speculate on his motives in all this,as fact is, he is doing what he is doing, and it hurts. A hard thing to recover from, and the sooner you can separate your life from his, the better. Sorry nurse, your patient has recovered fully, and is ready to leave the hospital. He may be grateful, but not beholden.

Lostmybff · Aug 23, 2012, 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

On some level, for whatever reason he wants to explore and experiment, and you must ackowledge and accept that fact. I realize the shock of it, and its a shame you are so dependent on his good will, and continuing good willat this time. That could change and you better protect yourself even if he is your landlord. Hope its in writing.

Work on giving his charity cars back, and know for fact, he has a vested interest in keeping you close,not only as a renter/buyer,but as a safety net if his experiments fail.

I wouldn't speculate on his motives in all this,as fact is, he is doing what he is doing, and it hurts. A hard thing to recover from, and the sooner you can separate your life from his, the better. Sorry nurse, your patient has recovered fully, and is ready to leave the hospital. He may be grateful, but not beholden.

I know I have to make some big changes here. We don't have a lease or anything . All I know is that in his will he left me the house & a stipend of what I don't know unless we were married. And I am his POA should something happen to him. This could change in a hearbeat I know. We also have a joint account that I deposit money in for the mortgage. Otherwise I never take from it. I know I need to move forward with my life. But... today he sent me an email and told me how he still thinks Im an amazing, special beautiful woman and he feels a huge void now. How do I respond to that? Or just don't...

talaniman · Aug 23, 2012, 03:50 PM

I normally advise you not to respond, and cut him from your life, but until you make a decision on how you want to proceed and conduct your business I would hate to even say that to you.

Maybe its best to stay away from affairs of the heart, and romantic words, and have a purely business conversation with him so you can have facts, and not false hopes for a future. With FACTS you can plan.

Protect yourself and forget romance since he is experimenting, and exploring. No telling what becomes of that.

Lostmybff · Aug 27, 2012, 10:22 AM

OK... so on Saturday he came over to get some tools he left at the house. As soon as he came in he grab me and hugged me. I pulled back a little and then we talked for about 15 minutes... then he said "I'm so sorry... I stopped him and told him I didn't really want to talk about that right then. (I started to feel like I was going to cry and I didn't want him to see that) we talked a few more minutes then he pulled me into a hug again, kissed my face, my neck... I pulled away and he kissed me on the lips. Not long just a short kiss. Then he said he had to go. We said goodbye. He said he would call and he left... so what does that mean?

JudyKayTee · Aug 27, 2012, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by Lostmybff

ok...so on Saturday he came over to get some tools he left at the house. As soon as he came in he grab me and hugged me. I pulled back alittle and then we talked for about 15 minutes...then he said "I'm so sorry...I stopped him and told him I didnt really want to talk about that right then. (I started to feel like I was going to cry and I didnt want him to see that) we talked a few more minutes then he pulled me into a hug again, kissed my face, my neck...I pulled away and he kissed me on the lips. Not long just a short kiss. Then he said he had to go. We said goodbye. He said he would call and he left...so what does that mean?

May I quote Talaiman above? "I normally advise you not to respond, and cut him from your life, but until you make a decision on how you want to proceed and conduct your business I would hate to even say that to you.

Maybe its best to stay away from affairs of the heart, and romantic words, and have a purely business conversation with him so you can have facts, and not false hopes for a future. With FACTS you can plan.

Protect yourself and forget romance since he is experimenting, and exploring. No telling what becomes of that."

You can't be hugged and kissed unless you allow it.

talaniman · Aug 27, 2012, 10:27 AM

NOTHING! He just needed his tools. You know how many exes do this to keep feeling stirred up?

Keep your head strictly business, as you deal with those stirrred up feelings.

Lostmybff · Sep 4, 2012, 10:03 AM

Well yesterday I took my dog over for a "sleepover" with his dog... I wasn't going to go in his house but he asked me to come in and see his dog. I went in and after about 5 minutes of playing with her I headed out the door. He grabbed me, kissed me and took my hand and led me into the bedroom. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb I know.. After about 2 hours I left to go home and make dinner for my kids. I wasn't even home an hour and he called and asked me to come back. Of course I did... same thing... to the bedroom... we hardly talked at all about "us" just that we missed each other and def missed the sex part. It did look like there was someone in his house though. Just a few things in the bathroom that I know he wouldn't use (at least in the 7 years I was with him) I was only gone for a month and he was away on business for a week so that only gave her about 2 weeks to make my territory hers! I didn't mention anything to him about it... he called me last night too after I left for the 2nd time and again this morning twice... I have to go pick my dog up after work today... So did I screw up big time? I really don't feel guilty about having sex with him... as far as his new "ho" goes... she cheated with him when I was with him so she deserves what she gets... serves her right... (I know very immature of me) And I know he's having a great time... being with the new "ho" and me.. Just with I knew what he was really thinking...

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2012, 10:33 AM

He's thinking he has two women hot after him.
Leave the man alone. You have been with him all this time, no wedding but he now has another woman, the first that you know of. Get a clue!
Get the things as far as the house and car in order so you will have no other reason to talk to him. Don't allow him to play back and forth with you.

Lostmybff · Sep 4, 2012, 10:59 AM

Yea, that's true... I'm sure he's feeling really pleased with himself. I was hoping he would feel guilty and tell her he was with me... I just really want her to feel hurt so she knows how I felt... although you can't compare a month or so with 7 years. I know he is to blame but I blame her for screwing with a man in a ltr. Why do women do that? There are so many singles out there looking for a partner. If less women felt the need to screw around with men in relationships and men who are married the less men would be able to cheat!! I just still can't understand why he felt the need but that's something I guess I'll have to either find out or at least get over the need to know...

JudyKayTee · Sep 4, 2012, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by Lostmybff

yea, thats true...I'm sure he's feeling really pleased with himself. I was hoping he would feel guilty and tell her he was with me...I just really want her to feel hurt so she knows how I felt...although you can't compare a month or so with 7 years. I know he is to blame but I blame her for screwing with a man in a ltr. Why do women do that? There are so many singles out there looking for a partner. If less women felt the need to screw around with men in relationships and men who are married the less men would be able to cheat!!! I just still can't understand why he felt the need but thats something I guess I'll have to either find out or at least get over the need to know...

But he was married when you started up with him: " I met him when he was in the midst of his divorce ..."

Why do women "screw" with a man in a long term relationship? I don't know. I do know she had made no promises to you, she wasn't in a relationship with you, she owed you nothing - he, on the other hand, cheated on you. He appears to be in a relationship with her - but you had sex with him. It's not a black and white situation.

My concern with having sex with a man you KNOW is in a sexual relationship is STD. You have now been exposed to every partner she has had, through him.

He has probably told her you are just another sexual fling (if he tells her anything at all) and I'm assuming she doesn't care.

If it turns sexual when you see him I would protect myself by staying far, far away.

Lostmybff · Sep 4, 2012, 11:30 AM

Yes, he was married when I started seeing him but separated for 6 months and divorce was almost final. They parted ways and it was amicable. (for the most part) I understand what your saying about stds... I have a 19 year old daughter and believe me... tell her that all the time... I know it appears I'm acting like a teenager myself! I feel like I am... I guess the hurt he put me through has made me lose my senses! Honestly, I don't think I will sleep with him again. Of course that could change if he wants to rebuild our relationship. And that would really take a lot at this point for us to do that. I don't know what I was thinking yesterday... like I said... he was a normal man for most of the relationship. Father, provider and my best friend... don't know what changed or why...

JudyKayTee · Sep 4, 2012, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by Lostmybff

Yes, he was married when I started seeing him but separated for 6 months and divorce was almost final. They parted ways and it was amicable. (for the most part) I understand what your saying about stds...I have a 19 year old daughter and believe me...tell her that all the time...I know it appears I'm acting like a teenager myself! I feel like I am...I guess the hurt he put me through has made me lose my senses! Honestly, I don't think I will sleep with him again. Of course that could change if he wants to rebuild our relationship. And that would really take alot at this point for us to do that. I don't know what I was thinking yesterday...like I said...he was a normal man for most of the relationship. Father, provider and my best friend...don't know what changed or why...

Without calling the woman he's dating a "ho" have you asked him?

Calmly - he knows he's hurt you. Have you ever asked him why?

Lostmybff · Sep 4, 2012, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by Lostmybff

Yes, he was married when I started seeing him but separated for 6 months and divorce was almost final. They parted ways and it was amicable. (for the most part) I understand what your saying about stds...I have a 19 year old daughter and believe me...tell her that all the time...I know it appears I'm acting like a teenager myself! I feel like I am...I guess the hurt he put me through has made me lose my senses! Honestly, I don't think I will sleep with him again. Of course that could change if he wants to rebuild our relationship. And that would really take alot at this point for us to do that. I don't know what I was thinking yesterday...like I said...he was a normal man for most of the relationship. Father, provider and my best friend...don't know what changed or why...

Just one more point I'd like to make! She owes it to all women out there NOT TO GET INTO A CHEATING situation with a married man or man in a relationship! Yes, he was still married when I met him but they both assured me that it was over! It wasn't cheating! His ex wife didn't feel that way. She too was ready to move on. Totally different situation than intentionally doing it and encouraging it!

JudyKayTee · Sep 4, 2012, 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by Lostmybff

Just one more point I'd like to make! She owes it to all women out there NOT TO GET INTO A CHEATING situation with a married man or man in a relationship! Yes, he was still married when I met him but they both assured me that it was over! It wasnt cheating! His ex wife didnt feel that way. She too was ready to move on. Totally different situation than intentionally doing it and encouraging it!!

Would I cheat? No, and I never have. Would I date a man "going through a divorce" or "separated"? No.

The woman involved with him maybe shows bad morals, poor judgment, a whole lot of other things - but she owes nothing to anyone. HE was the one in the relationship; SHE owed you no allegiance.

If you were married I would feel different about the subject. But you weren't married.

I think you are blaming entirely the wrong person. I understand the hurt. I've been cheated on. It stays with you for a long, long time. I felt victimized, I felt used, I was alternately devastated, angry, furious and sad.

But the "other woman" (who, by the way, was a relative of mine - how's that for starters) wasn't married to me, hadn't made promises to me. He didn't HAVE to get involved. He had free will.

He's the one who betrayed me.

It's the same in your situation.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2012, 12:09 PM

How do you know he has not told this woman that it was over with you.
He was the one lying to you, not her. And he was probably lying to her.

Lostmybff · Sep 4, 2012, 12:59 PM

@JudyKayTee - I have asked him what the problem is & he insists it's that its because he felt like if we continued our life would get like the one he had with his ex wife. That he felt like everyone had conditions & expectations and he didn't feel like he could live up to that. I think that's an excuse or he's going through a mid life crisis. As far as his "friend", I refrain from using the H word, I think its just a fling & he'll get over it. If not... don't really know... And @ Homegirl50... She knew... he told me she knew... and really I do believe him on that. (even though he is a lying cheat) I know he's to blame, more so than her, I just can't help but feel that if it wasn't for her, we would have had a chance to work things out... I've been wrong before... I guess my whole rant is about the fact that women in general make it so easy for men to cheat... women need to stick together. That's why I really hope karma gets them both... and anyone else he slept with!! Thanks for all your input!