[backpack2389]

I would never be happy about my boyfriend going to a strip club so I don't think you're crazy. However, a one time event with family (are they celebrating his 18th birthday?) is not the end of the world.

I think you should calmly explain to him why you don't want him to go (although he should and probably does already understand why). Don't say anything about not trusting him (another issue in your relationship needing resolution btw). If he goes despite your objections and lies to you about it, then I'd say you need to find someone else.

[smoothy]

I would never be happy about my boyfriend going to a strip club so I don't think you're crazy. However, a one time event with family (are they celebrating his 18th bday?) is not the end of the world.

I think you should calmly explain to him why you don't want him to go (although he should and probably does already understand why). Don't say anything about not trusting him (another issue in your relationship needing resolution btw). If he goes despite your objections and lies to you about it, then I'd say you need to find someone else.

I strongly disagree with your thinking you feel you can tell him what he can and can't do...

Would you be happy if HE was dictating to you who you could go out with, where you could go and give you a curfew saying he would leave you if you didn't do exactly what he said? Probibly not.

I've walked out on more than a few women that thought they could do that... and my life was far better for getting away from them too. The woman I married has NEVER told me where I couldn't go... Including strip clubs... I rarely ever go these days (too busy)... but as an adult... I get to decide when , and if.

[backpack2389]

I'm saying that there has to be mutual respect and trust. I would only be with someone who cared what I thought. What one partner thinks in a relationship should matter. If you're with someone who doesn't share your perspectives, who doesn't care what you think and who lies, then you should leave. That relationship will never be happy or healthy. It has nothing to do with the actual activity in question, it's whether you can stay together when one person is doing something that hurts the other and when you have to lie to each other to be happy.

If you have a wife that doesn't mind you going to stripclubs, then great that works for your relationship. But for the Emily121210, she doesn't like her boyfriend going to strip clubs and should be free to find someone that agrees with her. As her boyfriend will find a woman like your wife who is okay with him seeing strippers.

Women cannot control men, but they don't have to be with men that make them unhappy.

[smoothy]

I've NEVER seen a relationship that had one or both people that felt they could dictate to the other survive very long... Resentment always results... and it WILL lead to cheating and eventual divorce or breakups...

Trying to believe otherwise only delays the inevitable and wastes time you will never get back.

I've seen many, MANY people crash and burn over the last 35years I've been active with females (I'm 50 now)... never seen or know a single person that is still with their spouse or partner that ISN'T fooling around or hasn't divorced them. Men AND women... being a control freak isn't gender specific... it can afflict either gender. And its equally destructive...

The resentment starts small and always, ALWAYS grows over time.

Anf just an FYI... there are very few places in the USA... where customers are EVER allowed to touch the strippers or have anything to do with them on or off club property without being in violation of the law which would result in HUGE fines and loss of license to the Club owners. So they don't tollerate ANY hint of something that could be viewd as breaking those laws... So the generic excuse I hear from so many women that have never been in one of these places is so very, very inaccurate.

Many of them think Places like the Old Bunny Ranch and other Nevada Brothels are in Las Vegas... when the reality is far from that...

I'm a VERY firm believer in if you have self esteme issues... they are your own responsibility to deal with... dealing with them does not equal making other people jump hoops so you don't have to face your problems... and I apply that equally to both men and women.

Don't like something... then leave... but you aren't entitled to tell another adult where they can and can't go. PARTICULARLY before there is a wedding... and even after its still somewhat limited. As unmarried adults... nobody has standing or merit to tell others what to do. Dating or engaged... just the same... Only spouses even have the right to discuss it with each other.

[backpack2389]

Knowing what your partner wants/feels and having respect for those wishes is not the same as one partner dictating to another. Like I said, it has to be mutual. That's why I also said that if their feelings about strip clubs are not mutual (which would be evidenced by him going and lying), then she should leave. There is a line between communicating and dictating.

[JudyKayTee]

Knowing what your partner wants/feels and having respect for those wishes is not the same as one partner dictating to another. Like I said, it has to be mutual. That's why I also said that if their feelings about strip clubs are not mutual (which would be evidenced by him going and lying), then she should leave. There is a line between communicating and dictating.

You are answering someone who thinks strippers are going to grind against her boyfriend. Her logic starts flawed.

Then you say: "I think you should calmly explain to him why you don't want him to go."

The reason she doesn't want him to go is her own insecurities and she doesn't want strippers to be grinding against him. Apparently you think he should (and probably does) understand why. I doubt he does because her opinion of what goes on in strip clubs is just that - her opinion, which is not based on fact.

You don't think her threatening to leave if "their" feelings about strip clubs aren't mutual is controlling?

I don't see a fine line between communicating and dictating. Any time anyone says, "If you DON'T do this or DO do that, I'm leaving," that person is controlling the other person's behavior.

And is OP next going to make her boyfriend wear a hood when he goes to the Mall so he doesn't see any other women there?

How about the beach? Does she allow him to go there?

[JudyKayTee]

That's a good point. I just hope he would value our relationship more than a night at a strip club.

So - you are 18, been dating him since you were 16, and he has two choices: the strip club or ending the relationship because that's how you want it?

I do think it's best to tell him that and end the relationship - at some point his family is going to decide you are incredibly insecure and controlling and then he's going to have to argue with them about your relationship.

Why are you so insecure and who told you that strippers grind against the customers?

[smoothy]

Knowing what your partner wants/feels and having respect for those wishes is not the same as one partner dictating to another. Like I said, it has to be mutual. That's why I also said that if their feelings about strip clubs are not mutual (which would be evidenced by him going and lying), then she should leave. There is a line between communicating and dictating.

Where would that line be.. and who determines it?

Dictating is telling someone what to do... and not allowing for any other answer, discussion or not.

[smoothy]

You are answering someone who thinks strippers are going to grind against her boyfriend. Her logic starts out flawed.

Then you say: "I think you should calmly explain to him why you don't want him to go."

The reason she doesn't want him to go is her own insecurities and she doesn't want strippers to be grinding against him. Apparently you think he should (and probably does) understand why. I doubt he does because her opinion of what goes on in strip clubs is just that - her opinion, which, is not based on fact.

You don't think her threatening to leave if "their" feelings about strip clubs aren't mutual is controlling?

I don't see a fine line between communicating and dictating. Any time anyone says, "If you DON'T do this or DO do that, I'm leaving," that person is controlling the other person's behavior.

And is OP next going to make her boyfriend wear a hood when he goes to the Mall so he doesn't see any other women there?

How about the beach? Does she allow him to go there?

Cripes... women like you described make my wife look better to me every day... even with her flaws... she has never gotten like that with me...

She knows what catches my eye and even points them out to me... usually before I even notice them,at the beach, at the mall OR on the street.

She after all knows who I'm going home with every night...

[JudyKayTee]

Where would that line be..and who determines it?

Dictating is telling someone what to do....and not allowing for any other answer, discussion or not.

Let me put this in reverse a little bit - isn't anyone concerned that the OP is so insecure that she's not allowing her boyfriend to go to strip clubs?

Honestly - I'm not threatened by other women. I just don't understand this.

This is about the immaturity of the OP - wait until he goes to one College and he goes to another, if she ALLOWS that.

[smoothy]

Let me put this in reverse a little bit - isn't anyone concerned that the OP is so insecure that she's not allowing her boyfriend to go to strip clubs?

Honestly - I'm not threatened by other women. I just don't understand this.

This is about the immaturity of the OP - wait until he goes to one College and he goes to another, if she ALLOWS that.

"Hand waving wildly..............."


Yes... me for one.

[backpack2389]

I wasn't saying use the threat of leaving as motivation to make him change, I was saying if you're not happy, just leave (or be willing to put your feelings aside, accept that he'll do what he wants to do regardless of your opinion and stay). If her insight regarding strip clubs is wrong, then that's something he can explain when they communicate.

[JudyKayTee]

I wasn't saying use the threat of leaving as motivation to make him change, I was saying if you're not happy, just leave (or be willing to put your feelings aside, accept that he'll do what he wants to do regardless of your opinion and stay). If her insight regarding strip clubs is wrong, then that's something he can explain when they communicate.

That is exactly what you said: "That's why I also said that if their feelings about strip clubs are not mutual (which would be evidenced by him going and lying), then she should leave."

He either agrees with her and doesn't go or he goes and does or doesn't lie about it and she leaves.

[backpack2389]

No, she makes a decision based on his behavior. She does NOT make a threat, and say, if you go, I'll leave before he goes. He decides what he thinks is important after they've discussed things. Either he will decide her feelings matter or going to the strip club matters. If he goes and she decides she can't deal with it, then she can leave. No threatening involved, just behaviors and decision making. People make decisions about their relationships based on their partner's behaviors all the time. That's different than hanging a threat over their heads.

[JudyKayTee]

No, she makes a decision based on his behavior. She does NOT make a threat, and say, if you go, I'll leave before he goes. He decides what he thinks is important after they've discussed things. Either he will decide her feelings matter or going to the strip club matters. If he goes and she decides she can't deal with it, then she can leave. No threatening involved, just behaviors and decision making. People make decisions about their relationships based on their partner's behaviors all the time. That's different than hanging a threat over their heads.

Time to close - this has turned into "don't pay attention to what I said, pay attention to what I meant."

A lot of bickering, no help at all to OP.

He "decides what is important after they've discussed things." Of course, the discussion is one of us is going - you to the strip club and me out the door OR neither one of us is going.

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