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Complicated_26 · May 4, 2012, 10:16 PM

Hey everyone, I am new to this community. I have heard many people get great advice that help them move on in their life. I have a similar problem regarding a person I truly love from all that I am but I really need your help to figure out if I am doing the right thing or not. I apologize it's a little long but please give me 5 minutes of your lives. My whole happiness depends on it :(:( Thank you!

There is this exchange student, and when she arrived to my university, she had a boyfriend back at home whom she loved. We became really good friends to the extent that she was having troubles with her boyfriend and she always discussed with me. We talked about everything , and I don't know how, but within a month I realized I was deeply in love with her because she is so much compatible with me and I was already physically attracted to her I guess. Being friends I generally asked her what's her type in boys (physically) and put myself as an example in general (over light funny conversation). She plainly said I am not the type since she wants an initial spark in boys to start a relationship, which she didn't feel in me.

With time I got more in love with her and one day I confessed everything to her, BUT, I told her as well that I understand she has a boyfriend and I really do not intend to come in the way so (she & me) is practically impossible. And so my reason of telling her is not to get her, but to just let her know how special she is, and that's that. Also, and that we are friends to begin with and I cherish that first and don't want my stupid heart to ruin our friendship. She said she understands that its not in our control to fall in love. She also asked me to distant myself from her if I want. I told her she is already here for a short time and I want to spend time with her. She said its up to me and was OK with it and we remain friends and spent a LOT of fun time together.. . Things went great but after some time, we went into some sort of misunderstanding over some trivial issue and she stopped talking to me, but I did not try to get her back since being with her was hurting too much so I decided to distant myself from her and make her unfairness of not talking to me as a hate fuel to try forgetting her.

I was almost successful but after 1 month of blackout, I came to know from Facebook that her boyfriend dumped her and she was miserable. I messaged her to ask how she is and she quickly replied and told she had been crying a lot. I couldn't help it and I asked to meet her and she agreed. Thus we started talking again and she apologized to me many times for her behavior. Though she was single again but I could not do anything since I knew I am not her type as she had said. .
At present, we hang out a LOT, but during our hangouts I get sad a lot and she asks sometimes and I tell her that its not easy for me to be with her knowing that I love her n all. And she suggests I should search and get a girlfriend and points out at random girls joking what about her, etc 3etc, or that Ill be happy when I get married and she will come attend my marriage etc etc(shows she is not into me at all) though she says that a lot that I am her best friend and the most kind hearted and good guy .when we hang out in the malls, she, while looking at boys with built bodies, shares with me how hot or cute they look and how amazing it would be if they were her boyfriend ( I don't know if she does that deliberately to reemphasize that she is not attracted to me. . But u can imagine how it hurts me ). .

Anyway, she is leaving for back home to her country in a week and I just can't make her a memory in my life. It will be stupid just to say anything to her now I thought. So my plan is to join gym and stuff improve my looks. . I just got a job, so I plan to make myself financially settled as well in a couple of years. I want to keep in touch and when I reach these two goals, I plan on visiting her and trying to seriously start a relationship if its possible.(IF she is single)
My Question is; AM I FOOLING MYSELF AND RUNNING AFTER SHADOWS? OR LOGICALLY THERE EXISTS A SLIGHT CHANCE IN MY PLAN? Please please HELP me :(:(

talaniman · May 5, 2012, 12:54 PM

I am sorry guy, but all I see at present is friend, or emotional tampon. But no telling how she will feel later after a proper healing, but then you have the distance thing going against you.

I say, keep your options open for better opportunities, as a long distance friendship is about all I see happening for quite a while. You never know, but this may not be the crusade to dedicate yourself to. Let her have all the healing she may need. See if she returns to school, at least.

So don't get all carried away at this time with this female. No telling what path SHE decides to take in a few years so don't count on anything that far into the future. Sorry guy, just keeping it real.

joypulv · May 5, 2012, 01:12 PM

It can happen, I've heard of it happening, but it's so rare that you are slicing a huge piece out of your young life if you keep hoping.
At least you are still functioning. There's no harm in the gym and saving money, as long as you keep social. What if someone comes along who does think you are the handsomest, smartest, sweetest guy she's ever met.
As for built bodies, ugh. I always liked the starving poet type way back in my youth. But even that means nothing when you truly like someone.

Complicated_26 · May 5, 2012, 09:53 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am sorry guy, but all I see at present is friend, or emotional tampon. But no telling how she will feel later after a proper healing, but then you have the distance thing going against you.

I say, keep your options open for better opportunities, as a long distance friendship is about all I see happening for quite a while. You never know, but this may not be the crusade to dedicate yourself to. Let her have all the healing she may need. See if she returns to school, at least.

So don't get all carried away at this time with this female. No telling what path SHE decides to take in a few years so don't count on anything that far into the future. Sorry guy, just keeping it real.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts. As much as I hate to admit but you are right, and I don't see anything going in my way as of now. . Even though she knows that I love her like crazy and some way or the other, I tel her that every other time we meet, but whenever it comes to her love life, its like I am invisible. . She discusses with me what type of boyfriend will she have in future, which nationality or which personality. . And I am no where in the picture. A guy whom she knows loves her like crazy. How can she talk about this stuff with me , I guess she is just a child with dreams, but even being 20, she is being insensitive.. . It kills me every time she looks at a handsome boy and she pokes me and says, hey look at him, he is so hot and handsome, I just want to cuddle him, etc etc. . She always appreciates a LOT of my personality and nature, but not ever ONCE, she commented ANYTHING about my looks, and judging from how she comments on every hot looking guy, its looks that all she cares about. . I reason myself that she was just a teenager an year ago, and her views might change in future.. . Which brings me to the same question if I AM MAKING TOO MANY ASSUMPTIONS?? ARRRGHHH!! What do you think about this knowing these updates . What is she thinking I wish I could know :( :( :(

Complicated_26 · May 5, 2012, 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

It can happen, I've heard of it happening, but it's so rare that you are slicing a huge piece out of your young life if you keep hoping.
At least you are still functioning. There's no harm in the gym and saving money, as long as you keep social. What if someone comes along who does think you are the handsomest, smartest, sweetest guy she's ever met.
As for built bodies, ugh. I always liked the starving poet type way back in my youth. But even that means nothing when you truly like someone.

Thank you very much for your hopeful words, but there are things I want to write about more and want your feedback on them please. The thing is that even though she knows that I love her like crazy and some way or the other, I tel her that every other time we meet, but whenever it comes to her love life, its like I am invisible. . She discusses with me what type of boyfriend will she have in future, which nationality or which personality. . And I am no where in the picture. A guy whom she knows loves her like crazy. How can she talk about this stuff with me , I guess she is just a child with dreams, but even being 20, she is being insensitive.. . It kills me every time she looks at a handsome boy and she pokes me and says, hey look at him, he is so hot and handsome, I just want to cuddle him, etc etc. . She always appreciates a LOT of my personality and nature, but not ever ONCE, she commented ANYTHING about my looks, and judging from how she comments on every hot looking guy, its looks that all she cares about. . I reason myself that she was just a teenager an year ago, and her views might change in future.. . Which brings me to the same question if I AM MAKING TOO MANY ASSUMPTIONS?? ARRRGHHH!! What do you think about this knowing these updates . What is she thinking I wish I could know :( :( :( She has destroyed all the confidence I had in myself :( I have already suffered from two major heart breaks, and this seems to be the last, cause after this I won't have the heart to love :( I hate my life.. .

talaniman · May 6, 2012, 08:42 AM

You worry so much about what she is thinking, you should be asking yourself what are you thinking? Yourself confidence is YOUR responsibility, not hers, yet you make it about if she likes you or not. That's totally unacceptable! Correct it.

And what are you? Some kind of fortune teller, or mind reader? Nobody, not even her can fully know what's on her mind, so why assume based on your rather intense attractions? Go with the facts, she probably has other things on her mind wherever she lives with friends and activities, so YES, you are assuming, and presuming too much, and to far ahead.

More so you should be focusing on building your own life that makes you happy with family, friends, and activities that you enjoy. BUT NOOOOOOOO! You would rather tie your life up with having a female, to love, and love you to make YOU feel better.

Life just doesn't work that way. TAKE full responsibility for YOUR own happiness, and adjust YOUR thinking, actions, attitude, and outlook!

Listen to the guy that's been there done that, and explore and experiment your own world, and not assume that of another human who is doing there own thing. Go do yours, or find out what your thing is. NO MORE ASSUMPTIONS FELLA, NO MORE FORECASTING THE FUTURE FOR ANY ONE BUT YOU!