Confused if l am just fooling myself
Hey everyone, I am new to this community. I have heard many people get great advice that help them move on in their life. I have a similar problem regarding a person I truly love from all that I am but I really need your help to figure out if I am doing the right thing or not. I apologize it's a little long but please give me 5 minutes of your lives. My whole happiness depends on it :(:( Thank you!
There is this exchange student, and when she arrived to my university, she had a boyfriend back at home whom she loved. We became really good friends to the extent that she was having troubles with her boyfriend and she always discussed with me. We talked about everything , and I don't know how, but within a month I realized I was deeply in love with her because she is so much compatible with me and I was already physically attracted to her I guess. Being friends I generally asked her what's her type in boys (physically) and put myself as an example in general (over light funny conversation). She plainly said I am not the type since she wants an initial spark in boys to start a relationship, which she didn't feel in me.
With time I got more in love with her and one day I confessed everything to her, BUT, I told her as well that I understand she has a boyfriend and I really do not intend to come in the way so (she & me) is practically impossible. And so my reason of telling her is not to get her, but to just let her know how special she is, and that's that. Also, and that we are friends to begin with and I cherish that first and don't want my stupid heart to ruin our friendship. She said she understands that its not in our control to fall in love. She also asked me to distant myself from her if I want. I told her she is already here for a short time and I want to spend time with her. She said its up to me and was OK with it and we remain friends and spent a LOT of fun time together.. . Things went great but after some time, we went into some sort of misunderstanding over some trivial issue and she stopped talking to me, but I did not try to get her back since being with her was hurting too much so I decided to distant myself from her and make her unfairness of not talking to me as a hate fuel to try forgetting her.
I was almost successful but after 1 month of blackout, I came to know from Facebook that her boyfriend dumped her and she was miserable. I messaged her to ask how she is and she quickly replied and told she had been crying a lot. I couldn't help it and I asked to meet her and she agreed. Thus we started talking again and she apologized to me many times for her behavior. Though she was single again but I could not do anything since I knew I am not her type as she had said. .
At present, we hang out a LOT, but during our hangouts I get sad a lot and she asks sometimes and I tell her that its not easy for me to be with her knowing that I love her n all. And she suggests I should search and get a girlfriend and points out at random girls joking what about her, etc 3etc, or that Ill be happy when I get married and she will come attend my marriage etc etc(shows she is not into me at all) though she says that a lot that I am her best friend and the most kind hearted and good guy .when we hang out in the malls, she, while looking at boys with built bodies, shares with me how hot or cute they look and how amazing it would be if they were her boyfriend ( I don't know if she does that deliberately to reemphasize that she is not attracted to me. . But u can imagine how it hurts me ). .
Anyway, she is leaving for back home to her country in a week and I just can't make her a memory in my life. It will be stupid just to say anything to her now I thought. So my plan is to join gym and stuff improve my looks. . I just got a job, so I plan to make myself financially settled as well in a couple of years. I want to keep in touch and when I reach these two goals, I plan on visiting her and trying to seriously start a relationship if its possible.(IF she is single)
My Question is; AM I FOOLING MYSELF AND RUNNING AFTER SHADOWS? OR LOGICALLY THERE EXISTS A SLIGHT CHANCE IN MY PLAN? Please please HELP me :(:(