[fallfairy]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I've noticed several things throughout the course of our relationship (and outside of our relationship) that has led me to believe that he may have Asperger's, or maybe a mild form of autism...

He has always been very socially awkward; he speaks in a monotone voice, lacks facial expression almost completely (except when he is angry or amused), a few of my family members have described his personality as 'dead'; he seems as though he isn't really alive or responsive in a lot of situations. He is very intelligent, loves learning, and from what I understand, has had to read a lot about how to interact with people and how to communicate with girls in particular. He hasn't had a lot of success in dating and from what he's told me (and from what I've experienced myself), he doesn't seem to realize what is appropriate or inappropriate to say to a romantic interest until he's had the experience of saying it and being met with success, anger, upset, etc.

I know a fair bit about Asperger's myself, and I will also say that I love him very much and it doesn't matter to me whether he has it, from one point of view. The only reason it matters at all from another is because I'm very aware of some of the issues that individuals with Asperger's can have when it comes to relationships, resulting from their own internal conflict regarding closeness with another person. I've long ago come to accept that they way he acts and his apparent lack of emotion and empathy is simply the way he is, and I know that he really is a caring and sensitive person despite outward appearances and lack of expression. However, it's becoming an issue at this point that I am wanting something more from our relationship, and he is feeling very confused and going through an internal conflict: struggling between feelings of not being able to go without me, to feeling like we aren't going to stay together and that we need to break up (for no other reason than 'it doesn't feel right'). There is literally nothing else wrong. He is very honest and will tell me if there is something in our relationship that is out of balance or not working, but now there is nothing, just this feeling that he has and he doesn't know why because he's also having the same feeling of never wanting to be without me.

I know a lot of people with Asperger's can have this kind of conflict going on, because of a tendency to not feel comfortable being that close to another person. It's important to me that he understands why he's having this conflict within himself (if he does, in fact, have Asperger's), so that we can work to sort it out, and so that he doesn't feel like he has to give up on a relationship that I know he is happy in, because of an internal conflict that is not based on the quality of our relationship. We have tried to take time apart before, because he wanted to see how he felt and to think about things, but he literally can't go a day without messaging or wanting to see me; and he's tried.

I'm not sure what I can do to help him. I don't want to upset him, hurt his feelings or make him feel embarrassed by suggesting this and making him feel like I think there is something wrong with him, but I feel it's important to our relationship to either get a diagnosis, or not. He is extremely sensitive about the fact that he is socially awkward, and his feelings have been hurt multiple times by other people's comments to him about it. Just last night someone made a comment to him, saying he was a 'social retard', and he was very upset by it. And I'm upset by comments like that as well towards him. I'm sure no one else would think he was upset at all but I know him very well by now and I pick up on the very subtle things. I don't want him to think that I think less of him, but I'm not sure what else to do. Should I just let him continue this argument with himself until he eventually decides that it means we aren't meant to be together? I don't want to lose him over his own lack of understand about the very natural conflicts regarding closeness that someone with Asperger's would experience.

I'm fairly confident that if this is something he'd thought about before, or been diagnosed with already, he would tell me. So me bringing it up will be completely out in left field and could potentially really upset him.

[Wondergirl]

What do you actually want to accomplish? A diagnosis? His admitting he has Asperger's? Improvement in his social skills and in your relationship with him?

[fallfairy]

I want him to Understand the possible source of his conflict and discomfort over experiencing closeness with another person because it is causing problems in our relationship as he is possibly misunderstanding the reasons behind it.

[Wondergirl]

Do you think he could change and become Mr. Social Butterfly or Mr. Romance?

What good would his admitting his social failings accomplish?

Maybe the reframing and adjusting could be better done on your part -- consider the value he brings to your life. If he does bring value, what is it?

[fallfairy]

I think you've missed the point completely on what I said I wanted to accomplish. As I've already stated, I love the way he is. I don't want him to change, I will state again that I think it will help HIM to understand the source of his discontent in close relationships with people. I don't think he will, nor do I want him to become a 'social butterfly'. I want him to know that it is normal to feel unease with certain things so he doesn't misinterpret his own feelings. If that is actually the source of them.

[Wondergirl]

But he does feel normal. Others are telling him it's not normal.

YOU (not he) are the one finding problems in the relationship. You want him to be like other guys.

[fallfairy]

Not at all. But since you don't understand what I'm saying there is no need to continue this discussion with you. I said in my post that he's never felt normal. Thanks anyway.

For the record, I don't want him to be like anyone but himself, and I think I stated several times that I love the way he is and nowhere did I give any indication that I was unhappy with our relationship. Please don't respond again with any assumptions of what I want from him or our relationship.

Also, if you will read again in my post, HE (not I) is the one thinking there is a problem with our relationship because he does not feel comfortable being close to another person. I want him to be happy, that is all. I don't want him to be anything but what he is.

[Wondergirl]

You said, "However, it's becoming an issue at this point that I am wanting something more from our relationship." Apparently he isn't delivering what you want and need, and you are letting him know that, thus his upset.

You aren't taking him at face value and accepting him for who he is and what he is able to give you.

People on the autism/Asperger's spectrum are oblivious to social niceties unless they receive criticism and begin to wonder at their possible ineptness. Even then, most will shove those comments under the rug and carry on in their own carefree style.

But since you don't understand what I'm saying

Oh, but I do. I've been married for 44 years to a man with Asperger's. His deceased father had Asperger's, and our son is somewhere on the autism spectrum. I live and breathe autism, am surrounded by it.

[fallfairy]

Well I'm sorry that you misunderstand. It's causing problems because he is having these feelings. I am not telling him anything in regards to what he is delivering, you are again making assumptions. I am perfectly happy with how our relationship is progressing. He is pulling back because of hid own discomfort with closeness. I keep saying this, I'm not sure why you are assuming I'm wanting him to change or that I'm unhappy with what he is delivering in any regard, because (I'll say it again), I'm not. I love him, how he is, and our relationship.

[Wondergirl]

What do you mean by "closeness"?

I'm guessing you want closeness, and he has no idea what you are talking about.

[talaniman]

May I suggest that you stop seeing his actions and feelings as a problem, because he will always have those feelings, and you have to understand, and accept them when he has them.

You can talk to professionals for some coping strategies to deal with these kinds of issues, and over time, practice will make it better for you, and help him also. Many times when we look to help a loved one, the answer lies in not what they do, but what we do. It's the feelings within US that have to be dealt with, so we can be at a place to deal with how they act/react to us. Its not easy, and we can never be perfect, but we can stay patient.

I think if you can handle your own frustrations, and always be aware of the areas they are limited in, then you both can keep moving forward together.

You make adjustments and allowances for the ones we love, because we can't change them.