[TNamoo]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. We love each other more than anything in the world, and I love him for who he is. I fell in love with him for all the positive traits that Aspies are said to possess - his intense focus and intelligence, his fair-mindedness, his calm and logical nature. He's very high-functional, and is able to reciprocate affection toward me most of the time. If it wasn't for the challenges of our relationship I don't think I would've noticed that he's so different. I had never really heard of Asperger's before, and my boyfriend never mentioned it in anyway either. It's only in the last few weeks, while doing random Google searches on some of my relationship woes, I have been reading about Asperger's and realized that my boyfriend fits a lot of criteria.

This is unfortunate, because I can think of a lot of things I would have done differently in our relationship if I had known. I used to feel resentful toward him for everything - not looking at me when he talked, not showing affection during his 'recharge' times, acting 'cold', not talking to me about his day or his feelings. I would cry to him constantly about all these things, and he would try to explain to me how much damage that did to him, but I would do it anyway because I didn't understand why.

My actions have lead to frequent shutdowns on his part, and it's been getting worse.

His shutdowns lately are the worst I've seen in the two years I've been with him. It used to be that he'd just need a few hours on the computer to have 'energy for me'.
Now he resorts to closing his eyes, his body limp like a corpse, unable to talk or respond to me talking. The shutdown seems to end when I'm out of the room, but his withdrawl lasts days, sometimes even a week or more. It doesn't seem to impact his work or his relationship with our friends (thank goodness) but I'm sure what he's going through is hard. We're unable to talk about what is causing all these shutdowns, because when I try to bring it up it leads to another shutdown. Based on past conversations, it seems to me that all the negative experiences he's accumulated with me is at the root of it. As soon as there's a hint of a glitch in our relationship it triggers those negative memories, which causes him to lock up.

Today, after 3 amazingly happy days with no shutdowns, I brought up what I've been wondering about for a while. I asked him if he's heard of Asperger's, and that I've been reading about it and the descriptions seemed familiar.
He said 'no' and then shutdown.

So, I guess I have three questions, not one.
Thanks so much for reading all this.

First is, what would be the best approach for me to deal with his shutdowns? There's been a couple of times where I was able to lead him out of one - once by gently caressing him, once by ignoring it and acting like everything was normal (this takes a tremendous amount of energy on my part) - but mostly I've been trying to talk to him for about 10 minutes and then if he doesn't come out of it, I leave his apartment so I could leave him alone.
I'm not sure if this is the right approach since it doesn't seem to be making the shutdowns happen any less frequently.

Secondly, considering that our relationship is the cause of his shutdowns, would it be best for us to not be around each other for a while? I'm willing to wait for him to be better, but I'm not sure if this would cause more harm to him and our relationship in the long run.

Thirdly, I'm not sure what to do about his reaction to the Asperger's topic. He might be in denial, or maybe he doesn't have it at all and I've offended him. I've already brought it up so it's going to be an elephant in the room if we continue to ignore it.
Do I wait until he's ready to talk about it, or should I continue encouraging him to read about it?

Thanks so much in advance.

[redhed35]

If I went on line and typed in my personality traits I would no doubt find a link to some disorder,syndrome or dysfunction that I KNOW I don't have.

Just because he fits in the box does not mean that is what he is.

But for the sake of answering the post lets say he does have aspergers,if he wanted to tell you,he would,you bringing it up may have confirmed his worst fears from childhood ,that he is different.

Talk to him about his 'shutdowns' when you are both relaxed,and try to come up with a recipe for coping that you can deal with.

Go with his suggestions,example,if he said he wanted you to leave him alone until he comes around,or ignore it.

Now,lets say he does not have aspergers, why oh why would you go about checking out his personality traits and look for 'box' to slot him into,for me,I would be offended and not know how to take that.

Talking about what you did,and being honest with him,even if it is hard or embarressing it needs to be done.

It is his prerogative not to tell you at this stage,respect his choice if that the case.

Many people with aspergers lead very fulfilling lives,have successful marriages and relationships,children,jobs and careers,he is a perfectly normal man.

If YOU can't accept if he has aspergers then walk away,if you can then work together.

If he does not have aspergers,again I would say,work on the issues,talk talk talk until your both on the same page and have the coping skills for you both, when he shuts down.

[redhed35]

Keep the lines of communication open, talk about the pink elephant!

There is a secret formula for keeping those pink elephants out of the room and your relationship,and that's,open honest communication,from both of you.

[TNamoo]

Oops, I didn't know replies get cutoff like that.

redhed35,
I don't see Asperger's necessarily as a problematic box to be 'offended' by. I just see it as someone with a different mindset, which is why I felt it should be OK to talk to him about the possibility of it. If this offended him and that is the reason he shutdown, I'm sure we'll find a way to get over it.

What I'm afraid of is the case he is an AS. I think I may have caused severe damage to our relationship by treating him with complete misunderstanding, causing his anxieties to worsen to the point of frequent shutdowns. This is what I am seeking advice for at this point.

So, thank you very much for your reply, your comment on talking to him about the shutdowns is helpful. I've talked to him about it before when it used to be less severe. He used to say he just needed time to himself, but then about a month ago he'd expressed that he'd rather not be alone during those times. So now I'm confused. I'll try to talk to him about it again when he's out of his shutdown, maybe after a longer period of peace.

I'll leave it up to him to read up on Asperger's, now that I've brought his awareness to it. I love him either way, I'm just looking out for ways to make sure I don't cause us more harm than I might have already.. his actions and reactions are just so foreign to me that it's hard to not look for plausible answers.

[redhed35]

There are a few new additions in the new amhd that are still being ironed out.

Relationships grow and change,its part and parcel of the whole love thing.

At times,like you and me we need different kinds of support,sometimes we need time alone or we need to be with someone,the same applies to him,the only way to know,is to ask him in those moments what he needs,it may be difficult for him to express it,but with patience and love you will both get to know his triggers and be able to deal.

You sound like a very intelligent women,and resourcing information and literature on the topic should be easy.

There are many schools of thought on aspergers,and its only through trial and error you will both find what is right for you.

If he does not have aspergers the same theory on finding tools and coping skills for when he shuts down applies,but the only way to find what's right for you is by talking.

Don't assume don't guess,just ask.

[hopen]

I am going through the same "problems" in my 4 year relationship.
My boyfriend has AS history throughout his family. It is very evident to me, and always has been, that he has this too.
I fell in love with these differences about us. I am an emotional, very social, extroverted person who loves attention, fun and socializing. He prefers routines and staying home just with me. Initially that made me feel so special and cherished. I was the nucleus of his life, after all. I was the center of ALL of his routines. I appreciated his downtime, because I am often busy with work and need time apart too. I do not like relationships with men who are always needing me either. And my AS BF was loving enough for me. Sweet and genuine. Honest to a fault. So true! It was refreshing and nice.
To boot, we bonded on so many common interests - especially science. He will talk on and on about all realms of this topic with me, sometimes I can't escape it! - but I really enjoy an intellectual peer and being challenged that way. I'm never bored with him.
BUT (you saw this coming)...
As our relationship has grown, chronologically, it hasn't progressed. He is unable to "be there for me" the way I need him to when tragedy strikes. He has no idea how to respond to my tears and frustration, and frequently gets frustrated, overly logical, and then resorts to a major shutdown when I "need" him more. It's a vicious circle. We are currently trapped in this loop. And I am so hurt and frustrated too that it's breeding resentment and anxiety in both of us.
From what I have read on other support sites, and from what professionals have told me, it becomes the responsibility of the NT, who indeed is able to be more flexible and understanding than the emotionally-challenged and routine-driven AS, to change and adapt. Yes, it is so so hard and scary but to me it's the only solution. I've exhaused all other avenues: threatening, crying, yelling, rationalizing, confronting, abandoning, all of those strategies still result in him shutting down, becoming reclusive and obsessive (say over the same video game over and over and over). I would imagine he is just wanting to return to his level of normalcy, for me to re-join the routine, to bring him comfort.
I have never addressed that he may have AS, because I know he does. I appreciate the advice above because it it exactly what I had thought - confronting him would be asking him to "admit" to me that he is weird, abnormal, different, faulted. I don't want to do that to him. I love him for his logical way. He brings me back to earth and gives good (albeit, non emotional or empathetic) advice when I need it.
I have to accept he will likely never cry with me, never know what to do ON HIS OWN to say give me a hug when I'm looking like I need one, or picking up candy or flowers "just because". He feels as if he has nothing to be responsible or apologetic for because THIS IS WHO HE IS and that is that. He is honest with himself at the very least.
If you're looking for him to have a "breakthrough" or to open up eventually it will probably not happen. That's like asking we NTs to just walk away from a funteral tearless and not ever need comfort or a hug. In fact, we have already been through thiw, and it broke MY HEART because he wouldn't LET ME hug him when a loved one died. He tried to protect me from going through that with him! A strange, foreign example of empathy I guess.
One last thing - a good point a friend brought up to me, when I confided in her about my frustration at his lack of affection and robotic ways. Every night my BF says nearly the SAME robotic "I love you [insert pet nam]" or if you listen to his phone messages it's always the same scripted affection as well. This bothers me because I wonder if he even feels what he says? Or is he reading from a script of normal social behavior? My friend's point was that he PUT THOSE WORDS INTO HIS "SCRIPT" and that is the evidence that he does love and care for me. He listens, not just hears, what I need. And he adjusted his routine to include those words JUST FOR ME.
Ive been in love before and it was just ordinary I suppose. I will cherish this strange-love for as long as I can. I hold on to the moments when he is amorous and sweet, and need to learn to let him go when he needs down time. It's a long road but I"m willing to do it...

[annecjones]

U make no sense at all... My husband and our son has asberges I really wish I could look at it through your view point!





Has as

[Mare79]

Hopen I can completely relate to everything you wrote, your relationship mirrors my relationship... I love my partner of 4 years... but it's extremely challenging at times.

[caitpierre]

Hello,
Not sure if someone here can help shed some light on my "question" (not really a question I guess), but I'll post here anyway.

The main question is whether I should ask a friend of mine (who I've dated for a while) if he has asperger's. It it NOT because I need a label, but because it would help me see some of our interactions through a different prism. He's opened my mind in ways I can't explain, and I have nothing but respect for him. I also believe he would like to tell me, but the anxiety keeps him from doing so. So he just chooses to keep me at arms length, but also maintain himself around.

About 1 year ago, I met a man (31) who at first just came across as reserved, extremely intelligent, "polished", a bit eccentric, introspective, and...

In fact, "wired differently", was one of the first words I used to describe him in a seemingly neutral conversation we had. I was driving him home, and all of a sudden he started describing, with specific details, the traffic patterns, why certain drivers stay on a lane, how that related to their "aggressiveness" in driving... etc... he also knew exactly where some of the pot holes were, and just seemed to know that piece of the road like the back of his hand. I thought it was different, but interesting.

He's helped me with some PhD application things. I wrote my statements of purpose and he proofread and gave me feedback as well. He is so kind, and sensitive in his own way.

One of the things I appreciate the most, which I think is what "bothers" some people the most is the fact that he is BLUNT. COMPLETELY HONEST. Whether you can hear that and not take it personally is a different matter. I'll take direct honesty any day over "lies". I have my own reasons.

We dated for some time. Then we didn't date (no drama... we just stopped). We kept in touch throughout and he seems to like that I reach out to him.

Then... we went on another date. I know that he feels really comfortable around me, he enjoys the company... he wants to stay around even when I have to leave... BUT... then it's back to "withdrawal". He is so different face to face, than he is on phone/e-mail. He is extremely formal when he writes.

I finally told him... after ONE YEAR that I liked him and gave him a specific list of attributes as to the "why". He is very rational. We still talk... but all he said was "it's ok to be upset. We want different things. etc" And we still talk to this day... and he managed to give me some very meaningful compliments since then. I AM PUZZLED.

My question is... I have never asked him, or introduced the idea of Aspergers to him. Would it be completely out of line, or offensive if I approached it somehow? I'd love to be his friend, at least.

PS: he has been climbing at a rock gym for over 10 years. I have been at the same gym for about 1 year. He told me he doesn't know anyone at the gym. Never talked to anyone there. The other day, one of the people who work at the front desk, described him to me (different story for another day). She was very nice and respectful, but that's when I realized he may actually have Aspergers and it's not only me trying to come up with an excuse.

I apologize for the long entry and appreciate any feedback.

On another occasion, I picked him up for dinner and noticed that he was making a type of a "fist", while mildly and repetitively rubbing the inside of his index finger with his thumb. I thought "maybe he is a bit anxious with this date". Being my "chatty" self, I told him I had got an interview for a great position... it took him a few minutes to respond. Unknowingly, I looked at him smiling and said... "humm...please say something"... he did... he said "i'm just thinking here...how did you found this job. Does your current employer know that you're looking? I'm asking because i also want to change my job but don't know how I can do it..."

Most of the time, it was me trying to engage him without overwhelming. I managed to identify a few things that he was interested in and he would talk way more. I loved it when he talked. So intelligent and poised.

There were many other instances that made me think of the "wired differently" description, but never that he was an aspie (I still don't know for sure). He has a very statuesque and somewhat rigid posture. He sometimes stares a lot, but at unexpected things. Very perceptive (almost uncanny).

Nonetheless, I very much like this man. I would like to get closer while still respecting his "world". I too like my alone time, to the point that some of my friends have told me I'm a bit weird. I've managed to get in his world just a bit, that means... he talked... about things that matter to him (or bother him).