[phodawbar]

I actuallyhave checked into the Alanon and located a group that meets in my town I live in however the woman who runs it also reports to my husbands parole officer cause she's head of the treatment programs in the court systems as well and she knows who I am so.. I know that there's hippa laws but I don't trust they won't be broken. I'm tryn to help not get him in more trouble which would elevate stress on his end which might lead to drinking. I got a appt set up thro a counciler (best in the area) and actually my job has a program the pays for this which is nice I thought. Pays for 3 sessions for every issue that comes up for you. Anyway he's known for acohol and drug abuse therpy and I thought it would be a small step but none the less a step just to in person talk about my personal issues cause I explained how I don't talk to anyone about my issues in fear of judgement or possibility someone will see weakness and may be think they can go after my husband I know that's silly but I don't trust his self control even though I'm comfident he hasn't cheated since that horrible 6months several yrs ago. But he's considered really good looking and very popular with every one and I'm sitn with a weight problem due to pcos. Even though he tells me I'm the most beautiful thing, one tends to thnk differently about oneself. Hopefuly my inner confidence comes back after my weight program and lapband surgery is completed and the next couple of months (then on to my back surgery uggg :-( )anyways I know I side track but if I went to a group meetn in the town I live or the othr one I work in I'm just afraid sumone will know me so I took the first step to get startd reachn out. I'm sure ill get to the main goal and tyme. Savings wise I have about $1300 set back for emergencies and will use it if I feel I need to leave at the drop of a hat. Cause at the moment I'm just going thro daily routines just the basic stuff to keep things drama free as possible. I just don't know where I could go and of course nothing looks acceptable because I don't want to leave my home that I take pride in even though it's a petty excuse. But I do have the moneythere in case like I said earlier if he attempts to thnk about raising a pinky.. I would feel like a demon if I took my son away from my husb and.. u can just see it in the smile on boths faces and I kind of wonder if that all my husband sees as positive and his life. But I have mentiond.. yelling and calln me names and whatever that my son sees that and I refuse to let him believe that's anywhere close to right.

[phodawbar]

I don't want to be redundant but just a general question:
What is normal behavoirs of a 30 and a little yr old man that's a husband and a father of a baby.
What is considered being out to late and how often is going out too much? Is it irresponsible for one to ignore their phone when they have the only car in the family? Where is the line that determine is one drinks too much?
I get accused of holding my husband a prisoner (by him) in our house cause I want him to be home with his family. I'm sure I issocolate myself cause the only going out I do outside of work and schedule is to walmart to shop some just to get away from life. Am I to controlling and do I run a prison? I'm laying out everything unbiased for a outside perspective so that maybe what ever is said won't or will make me or him in the wrong and educate for hopefully further improvement.

[Wondergirl]

Does he have a job? What time does he get up in the morning? Are you a responsible wife and mother (and set a good example for him)?

My husband worked for AT&T and had to be at work by 7 after driving for an hour in rush-hour traffic to get to the phone office. When he got home at night, all he could manage was to drag himself to the dinner table and then fall asleep on the couch for a nap before bedtime. No bars for him.

[redhed35]

My fiancé works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, he goes out on a Friday evening and is usually home by 11, he might have 3 or 4 pints and a game of pool its 'guy' time and down time after the week, we go out as a couple once a month,my down time on a Friday is a bath, a good book and amhd!if I'm working late and he is home he makes the dinner, tidy's up etc,we take turns during the week and work together in the house and garden on the weekends, our routine came about from a conversation we had in the early part of our relationship, on what is expected of each other and what were dealbreakers for each other.

If you want to change your home life you need to have an honest and open conversation with your husband, if you have both had enough of the fighting and sniping of the current routine, you both need to be on the same page to change it.

If you can't come to a happier arrangement together perhaps an unbiased 3rd party can help, example, a marriage counsellor.

Finding time in the week just for you 'me time' can greatly improve your feelings of isolation, even just going for a walk with a friend, if you have no friends maybe a family member or ask an neighbour, or join a walking group,go for a swim,join a class, finding an outside interest that is just yours.

There's no right or wrong here, just no communication on the needs of each other and the needs of your relationship.

[DoulaLC]

It's going to be so different from couple to couple as each with have their own circumstances and comfort level. Some people need more alone time than others, some need more couple time, some find getting out with friends once in awhile helps them unwind a bit and be better partners when they are together at home.

My husband is gone for weeks at a time, but we talk a few times each day and are together just about the whole time when he does get home for a few days.

As was said, you need to have a sit down discussion over it and come to a compromise. Even if you have to make a specific schedule, as red said... Friday nights are guys night out for example and Saturdays are family or couple night.

On the phone issue... I do think that is important since you only have one car, but you may also have to discuss that. It certainly would be common courtesy for him to keep you informed of where he is and an approximate time of when he might be home, and, on your part, being careful not to call 4 times in an evening to check up on him kind of thing.

Discuss it and come to a happy medium that you both can be comfortable with.

[phodawbar]

Yes he works pretty hard. 6a to 2p mon thro fri, then walks a couple blks to pick our son up from daycare after work. And yes I consider myself responsible. I work from 830ish to about 5:30ish mon-fri and go to the gym mon, wed, fri and get home about 7p. I work in a nother town. I manage all the bills and appts with the family and about everything else. He doesn't have to worry about anythng other than getting a paycheck.
Anytime he does stay home he's in bed 9ish and usually until then is playing his games. When he goes out I'm told he's running to get something and then he's gone for 8 some hrs and comes home round 2 or 3am. Its not every night just inconvient nights. And ill tell him choose your priorities and its always not us. Are marriage is a bit rocky due to his increased drinking and bad moods all the time. But the few time between he is the sweetest human in the world. I just have a bad tolerance for drinking due to me quiting before I waas even 21. And I HATE it when he even touches it cause it seems to consume his life.
I really wish I had a conversation with him about expectations and dealbreakers. I might actually still have that conversation when I can find him In a open mindset. Cause I know he just wants to get out in chill but any mess in life he creates I end cleaning up. I want to go to a marrige consulor SO BAD but he refuses to go. I may end up going to a therpist anyway but I know it will take both of us to fix a rocky relationship.
I might try to set outside my comfort and find some 'friends' to hang out with. I am a big people person just leave aquaintances at the door and don't have anyone I hang out with or talk to and not comfortable with family either. I thought if maybe I started doing what he does (going out for long periods of time) maybe he'd see it as a different perspective of how it feels on the other side but I can also see it going in a worse direction cause I caan almost garreentee I'm cheating on him, especaily if I don't answer the phone. That's an almost gareentee even though I've never broke his trust to his knowledge and he has mine and thinks I'm just going to revenge.
I do 'blow' up his phone with calls but its usually because I'm angry knowing he didn't just go the store 2blks away for something like he promised he was. And I know that's the only way he'd be able to get out cause id tell him hell no if he wanted to go to so and sos house. I just hate seeing my husband drunk. It makes him look pitaful and completely pathetic to me. I don't even like him to talk to me when he's that way cause it esclades fast negative. I know I have issues which I'm sure your going to let me know but I don't have the trust to be comfortable with his decisions and it drives me crazy. Id be on the verge of falling asleep when I get home somedays and when he leaves I can not sleep cause I'm stressing so much. He lies about lies like I'm stupid but that's his way to get away but I just want him to grow up and I'm almost 5yrs younger than him.
I mean don't get me wrong he is an excellent husband when he wants to be. And an excellent dad. We have gone from below rock bottom to where we are now. I think both of us believe we have gone thro too much to separate,we do make an excellent team when we are actually up to bat. I just don't want things to go anyfuther down hill and I'm openminded knowing there's something's I need to change however I don't want to be the only one that has to work on things

[redhed35]

If his drinking is out of control the only person who can do something about is him, but the problems seem to me from your post more then just his drinking.

I agree that you seeking therapy is a good idea, just talking to someone will help give you the tools you need to process the current situation.

There are a few issues going on, the main concern is his drinking, leaving the house for a pint of milk and coming home drunk 8 hours later on more then one occasion, is a red flag not to be ignored, and you are addressing it, but he is not.

If he wants his home life to improve, to have a happy marriage, he is going to have to face reality, the stress that you are under right now is not healthy, and you have a child to think of.

[talaniman]

Its so easy to see the stuff you don't like, and not acknowledge the good things. That's not fair. All he has to worry about is a paycheck huh?

How about you get an attitude adjustment and seeing the glass half full, and not half empty because marriages are a works in progress, not a perfect well oiled machine. It's a big balancing act.

Communications, calm communications and agreements happen over time, nor over night, and I can bet he has his own story to tell. Not defending his bad behavior, or yours, because you both could do better for each other, but just pointing out that as bad as you think it is, it could be worse, so keep working at it, and building rather than getting impatient and frustrated at a few obstacles that distract you both from the goal.

The good news is he ain't perfect, so you don't have to be. Enjoy the good, celebrate the great, and muddle through the bad, like the rest of us until, the kids are long gone, and you can enjoy each other, and relax. Maybe you both will have grown through your personal issues and flaws by then.

Yes I did read your first posting, and merged it with this one

You didn't say whether he was still drinking, or relapsed since you last post, or not.

[phodawbar]

1st off I am a very optamistic person and tend to see
The glass half full versis half empty which was the whole reason for my second
Question in a different post (I did notice you merged them
Together).
I know that a relationship takes too people to work and
That no one  is perfect. That's why I asked very vauge questions so that I
Can also see areas that I don't already know that need work on.

Yes all he has to worry about is bringing in a
Paycheck. I DO everything else and that is by choice. It's a OCD problem of mine.
I pay all the bills because I've had bad problems before with others (not my
Husband) saying they paid and spent the $. A lot of things I just am so anal
About I don't feel like anyone else is going to do it right like cleaning,
Dishes, laundry even changing diapers--even though he gets his fair share of
Those.
Last Friday he did drink again and the only altracation
We had was because I wanted him to come home and be with his family versis with
His friends drinking. And after all was yelled and done I realized some of the
Things he was saying to me like I worked hard all week I can't just chill with my
Boys and etc. etc. that's when I posted the second post just asking questions
Seeing if I was off or if he was or is we both were. That's where I like the idea
Of seting a routine schedule. Like this night his night out to be
With his friends and then others for family things. I really think the sneaking
And lying would deminish if we were under a mutual agreement plus he might
Answer his phone. But that was one of my questions... how late is to late
Staying out, the limatiaon things. And it would be giving on my part cause I
Hate the unknown and I have little trust for anyone and yes he has given me
Reasons not to trust him. But I'm just so stuck in my controlling and ocd ways its
Hard to be OK with the unknown, so I do know I need work
Too.

[talaniman]

I appreciate, and respect your honesty. It takes a very special person to admit things in themselves that may have a bearing on the rest of the facts you have provided.

I think all young couples have conflicts when they don't make the right adjustments to situations because they have never been through the situation before. But I think you are seeing what will work, and what doesn't work for you, and that makes for some good conversations on what boundaries and rules you can agree on.

I can tell you from experience, it takes years of frustration, and failures, to get to where you are open minded and patient with a partner, and flexible enough to deal with them (mostly the bad points, you don't like, and wish like hell they would change), but I think it starts with the quality of the communications, basically the method of when, and how. And the acceptance of letting them do things there way, even if its less than perfect. Shared responsibility goes a long way to understanding, especially understanding yourself.

That's where you start at, understanding yourself, and the choices you make, and the actions you take. That doesn't excuse his behavior, not at all, as for sure he pays consequences for his bad behavior, but that's up to him to learn it, and you can't beat the lesson in him. He has to learn them, as you are learning things about yourself. Work on you, and let him learn. I mean one of you has to lead by example of good behavior, and the one rule that will never change, "its always a waste of time arguing with a drunk", let him sleep it off safely. Being a reformed drunk myself, I know he probably doesn't have a clue what the arguments are about, or what was said, just when he feels the need to find his comfort, that's all he thinks about. He works hard, and is entitled is his thinking and to be honest, its better to let him run head first into a brick wall until he hurts enough to find some help.

Only then will home be his comfort because what he values is there. Until he gets it, work on you, and what you do, and waste no more time with arguing with a thirsty drunk. Spend his check on his home, and be wise about it, and make your kids safe, secure, and happy until he finds the strength to crawl out of his own hell.

Its not easy because we all have our flaws, some just have more than others. I have some doozies, trade you!!

[grammadidi]

I'm sorry... but I don't understand why almost everyone is ignoring the fact that this woman's husband (besides being an alcoholic and a man who has cheated on her and leaves to go to a store 2 blocks away then doesn't return for 8 or 9 hours) is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing her?! Read her post! He is hitting her, throwing her around AND choking her! There is also a young child in the home. The single most important thing that we all can do to help her is to encourage her to get help... FAST! Her situation is classic. If she doesn't get help very soon they will all be a statitistic. The people with medical, legal and/or therapeutic backgrounds here are trying to ensure she saves her life. I respectfully suggest that those who have no expertise in these matters refrain from confusing the issues here. Bottom line... for now the relationship MUST end. If and when you both get the help you both need... then you can work at the relationship. Until then, get the help you have already admitted that you KNOW you require.

I say this because I care about you, your husband and your child. You ALL deserve to live a happy, well-adjusted life. The only way that you all will get there is to take the action you need to take. Get safe first... then we'll discuss the rest. Please don't procrastinate and make excuses. Every second you waste in doing what is necessary is driving you and your husband further apart and closer to disaster. Concentrate on what is truly killing your relationship... the abuse and drinking... take the only steps that you can take that will end it and keep you and your little guy safe... and possibly help your husband to become sober. Every moment you make an excuse, concentrate on what else is wrong, etc is a week lost in his (and your) recovery. Please do what you know you must do in order to be safe. If you do, I am sure that the rewards will be plentiful and will bring you so much closer to happiness.

You CAN do this!

Hugs, Didi

[J_9]

I'm sorry... but I don't understand why almost everyone is ignoring the fact that this woman's husband (besides being an alcoholic and a man who has cheated on her and leaves to go to a store 2 blocks away then doesn't return for 8 or 9 hours) is physically, mentally and emotionally abusing her???!!! Read her post! He is hitting her, throwing her around AND choking her!

I agree Didi... Haven't any of you read the part I bolded above? This isn't about the OP trying to make the marriage work. This is about abuse and addiction.

We should be helping the OP get out of this abusive situation.

[DoulaLC]

Didi and J... some of the responses were to the OP's posts that did not provide that information. Her posts were merged later.

Of course she should remove herself from the situation. That has been mentioned several times and advice on steps to take has been suggested. She needs to see it for herself that she won't be able to change the situation.

[J_9]

Didi and J.....some of the responses were to the OP's posts that did not provide that information. Her posts were merged later.

Of course she should remove herself from the situation. That has been mentioned several times and advice on steps to take has been suggested. She needs to see it for herself that she will be able to change the situation.

Actually Doula, that information was in her first post here. The very first one. Just scroll up.

[J_9]

Posted on April 21, 2011. I've bolded the abusive info.

I have been married for about five yrs. I recently adopted a son from a young friend right at birth as I have been unsuccessful to conceive on my own. My husband was my night in shinning armor and my best friend from the moment I laid eyes on him. We had a money poor rough start and with in a month of being together we moved to a different state where my family is located. (He really doesn't have family other than a sister we haven't heard from since we moved).

Anyways things were great until him normal since day one drinking got worse... the first 3yrs he had cheated on me with several woman and it crushed my world. He promised he'd quit drinking if I stayed. That lasted a whole 3 months. Well when he drinks he's always sneaky about it. I quit drinking before I was 21 so I kinda resent alcohol and at first thought it was just my biased opinion. But it started getting worse. He gets mad when I say anything when he's drinking and it always starts with hateful names and and belittling and 6 out of 10 times it ends with physical abuse.

Recently he added a new touch of choking and it terrifies me beyond just the hitting and throwing around. The next morning its always I'm sorry baby I was wrong bs...But I have to much pride in how our relationship looks in the public that I never share the bad with anyone not family nor friend. Never have and don't know if I even could. I make him look like the perfect man. But he's not. He tells me he's going to run to the store 2 blocks away and he'll leave at 4pm and come home at 3am and think I'm the one with a problem.

We recently got in trouble and because of his past record he ended up going to prison for a yr. I worked the 80 work week to provide for him and I and preparing for my son (he was 5.months when my husband got out of prison).. since he got out of prison its been to the same thing and he refuses to wear his wedding ring saying its normal for a man not to or its normal for a man to be out all night drinking and I'm just trying to hold him back and being his mama and all that crap. Well keep in mind its about 3 nights a week he does this. Doesn't matter on the day of the week.

I tell him husbands are suppose to be home with their family.. he always seems to do it on bad days for me like when. I get bad news or am sick...does it on my birthdays seems like anything important to me he's got to screw up...I just don't know what to do anymore I'm 27 and having to start on blood pressure medication cause I'm so stressed...

I just think he's 31 he should be grown up but I'm so wrong. I just can't see my self with out him but in the same words I know I don't deserve to b around someone that refuses to help themselves out of alcoholism or bad habits. He's on parole and I have to worry about him getting n trouble with his drinking and going back to prison. I keep track of all his legal matters or anything in his life and I just wish I would grow a man in him one day but when do I say enough is enough. Please help

[DoulaLC]

Actually Doula, that information was in her first post here. The very first one. Just scroll up.

Very true, it was on this first post... but later, she posted asking about whether it was normal for a husband and father to stay out late, and so on. In that post, abuse was not mentioned. Responses dealt with husbands spending time with friends, etc. as that is what that post was discussing. The two posts were merged later, after responses had already been made in regard to the second post... which at one time was also an original post in a thread on its own.

I think Didi saw those responses, and it appeared that they had followed the post mentioning abuse, and she was surprised no mention of the abuse and getting out of the relationship was made. The first post had not been seen at the time those responses were written.

Hope that makes sense... sounds sort of confusing.

[J_9]

In my opinion, we, as a support group, should be focusing on the abusive situation at hand. How long he stays out with friends is much less serious than the "choking," "hitting and throwing around."

We need to help the OP get out of this situation before this escalates. She also needs to realize that this sort of thing is setting her child up to continue the abusive actions as an adult.

I wonder if the OP actually read the link I posted. If not, I'll post it again.

The Cycle of Abuse | thesafespace.org

phodawbar, Please read that link.

[phodawbar]

Regardless of what anyone's opion is now, I am done. It is 3:45am on fridaynight/sat morning and he is no where to be found, can't look anyway cause I have a inocent baby sleeping in his bed. Came home after 10hr work day and a hr work out, stopped got him his chinesse food cause he wanted that. Pull in my drive way to find one of his "unpopular'' workmates in my drive way. 'Baby I'll be back n 30 mins (its around 6pm at this time)...gonna help him move his tv." I told him what the hell ever. He promised he'd answer his fone and everything! Needless tosay he left his fone in the living room. And didn't even touch or even look at his food I brought home after I had told him on my way home I didn't feel good and didn't feel like getn out and going to the chinesse place, but I did anyway. So... trying something different even though I didn't really have a choice I didn't shed a tear get mad until now. He knows he doesn't have his fone on him but yet he can't call me and tell me he's OK or anything. He doesn't give a flyn blank about me or apparently his son. I haven't even got to asked how my day went. Don't know wheathr to go grab my son up and throw him and the car and start lookn for him or roll ova and go to bed.
I just don't understand where in his dumbbeepn head that this is exceptable behavoir for ANY married man and a father. Hell I can't even go to sleep cause my heart and pulse is jumpn thro my skin right now. I know if he ever comes home its going to make for a hell of a day cause I'm done with the bs and as far as I'm concerned at the moment he can pack his crap and get out of my face and that's speakn from anger but the other side of me is worried and I can't seem to calm that side either. Pray for me cause nothn else is seeming to work

[phodawbar]

And yes J_9 I did read the cycle of abuse. That's my life, but its so dang confusing cause how can u tell if the honeymoon phase is a change or just part of the cycle.. I mean he does all of the above, says I'm the reason for his drinking etc but yet forgive me bs. I'm just tired of it all cause he thinks it all OK so what y does what ever I'm going thro or how I feel even mattr

[phodawbar]

Just an update... its almost 9am and he's still not bac, I'm tired angry and worried, about to call the jail and make sure he's not there God forbid