[ken007nielsen]

The whole no contact is fine, but I feel as though I need closure - I mean it's 5:21 am and I haven't been able to sleep. This has been the case since she told me just before cristmas.

Would it be wrong of me to ask her if she could write me a letter what made her get enough, and wanted to stop the relationship?

Also, we sort off agreed that after 3 months time, we could try dating again. But I feel as though I need to know what's on her mind, like if she's serious about that - then is she going to date anyone in that time? And if she is or isent, that's something I can accept then move on with my own life according to her response.

I don't feel that her answer is important whether it being one or another, I just feel like I need to know. There's way too many thoughts in my mind to even lead a stable life.
Right now my life comes down to answering questions if I feel I can help at askmehelpdesk.com and going to the gym for about an hour, the rest of the day I just pretty much sit around - I can't put my mind to anything I'm always thinking of what the future is going to bring.

Also, would it be freakishly weird if I send her a mail with some of my questions to ask? I feel it is, but I was hoping someone would tell me otherwise, but I seriously doubt it.

(we been together 4 years, she's 21 I'm 25)

[vanheart]

Yeah that's what NC is.

Having the strength to move on. Most of the dumped never get the closure they wish.

Agreeing to see what happens after was just prolonging things. Bad agreement. Good for her, sucky for you.

No, you should not contact her. Ever.

The reasons never really matter. This is over.

Your closure will only be achieved by NC.

Don't let false hope run things. Occupy your mind elsewhere.

[ken007nielsen]

All right, deleted her on Facebook, now to change the name of the number - once I get the money she owes me, that heartache I can suffer for abit :)

Occupy it on what?

[vanheart]

Anything but her.

What do you normally do? Before this?
Stuff that works your body & mind in a positive way.

Good start by blocking her. Write off the $ she owes you. That's just a hitch to keep your mind hanging on.

Isn't worth getting it back. No matter how much.

I had an ex that I was head over heals with. When she dumped me, she wanted the $200 she had leant me at the time to help buy this synthesizer I wanted. We were young.

I gave the $ back to her.

Boy, not only do I wish I didn't, I wish I had that keyboard back.

Oh well, silly me.

[jakester]

Ken - I agree with van that we hardly ever get the closure we need in life and that is tragically unfair.

You seem like a guy who really cared well for another human being and the fact that you are concerned for how you could have made things better tells me that maybe you are walking away from this experience a better person. But that's another topic.

You have to go back to a time in your life before you met your ex and remember that at one time you were an individual. You had your own life and your own goals and your own life experiences. For a time, you chose to share who you were with another person. That bond you formed became powerful maybe in ways you could not see... until it was over.

The pain and confusion and sadness you feel now means that you are alive. You know what love is in a profound way. You must grieve this loss because that is what it is. I was married and when my ex divorced me, I felt a loss that I didn't even know I could feel... a pain that in many ways almost crushed me. It's gotten better over the last 1.5 years but it's still tough... but it's getting better.

I had to go back and remember what I once loved and enjoyed and seek those things out. You are hurting now and you must look well to take care of yourself. Treat yourself gently and when you need friends, let them know you would appreciate their company. Hit the gym. Watch old movies that you grew up loving. Reorient yourself to the Ken you've always been who may struggling to be himself again.

You're not alone brother... there are many other good men out there who have loved and have been hurt and could share their experiences with you. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and talk with people... you can't carry that pain all by yourself.

[talaniman]

Accept your situation, and let that be your closure. Why wait for someone to decide what you can do with your own life. Get up, and move ahead with what you can do for yourself, not sit and wonder, what she will do next. Put some people in your life that can love, and support you, like family, and friends.

If you spent as much time and effort on yourself as you do wondering, hoping, and fretting over what she decides to do, no telling what you would be into now, and maybe you will find happiness within yourself.

This is a time of rebuilding, and rebirth.

[hopeC]

There's a very lucky women out there for you, but don't rush, get to know yourself and find something to take your mind off her. You will find that when you are back up again, she might be knocking at your door. Don't!! Sport is always a great option for men to keep them mentally in control.

[answerme_tender]

Ken,

I have read some of the advice you have given others in same situation as yourself. They were all heart felt, but in none of them did you advise to sit around waiting from someone else to give them the okay to actually get out and live their lives--probably because you know how much of waste of time that is!!

Do not break the NO Contact. If will only set you back. Even if you sent the letter of closure do you really believe that getting an answer is going to take away the pain your feeling---no won't. Its not closure you wanting, your wanting to be able to all the pieces together again. That just isn't going to happen.

Keep getting yourself out as much as possible, even answering other post on this site. We have all been were you are right now, the healing doesn't happen overnight by any means, but it does happen.

P.S---love the last name--was my maiden name!!

Take care

[ken007nielsen]

Wow there's a lot of great answer's here, I already feel understood and as if you care about my wellbeing.
That's something that really warms inside..

And damn you answerme_tender for reading up on me.. now I have to follow my own advice which I know to be true, but it was just hard :)

Thanks a lot for all the answers, it really means a lot.

[Enigma1999]

Wow there's alot of great answer's here, i already feel understood and as if you care about my wellbeing.
That's something that really warms inside..

And damn you answerme_tender for reading up on me.. now i have to follow my own advice which i know to be true, but it was just hard :)

Thanks alot for all the answers, it really means alot.

I also read advice that you have given others, and very good advice I must say..

It's funny,when it comes to us needing advice , we tend to be stuck.

We are human.

I agree with the others. I understand that this is eating at you, and you so desperately need and want closure.

The way I see it is that this IS your closure.

After 4 years, why did you guys break up?

[answerme_tender]

Ken,

LOL, us mean dane's have to stick together!!

[mystific]

What would you gain by asking your question? Honestly?

Why? What? Where? When? How? Or... Did you ever love me? Do you miss me? The list is endless with questions that should and will go completely unanswered?

Do you want to hear that she misses you and has made the most grave mistake? Will that enable you to feel better and make you want to move forward? Or will it make you curl up in a ball and start second guessing as to the reason why you broke up in the first place?

Or do you want to hear that she doesn't think anything of you and still wants nothing to do with you and has moved on quite happily without you? Will this make the NC any easier?

Be honest with yourself. Its like one of those saloon bar doors.. either way you're going to get hit. (I personally have never managed to walk through one successfully without getting hit on my way in or out... )

5am isn't so bad. Go for a run.

Reality is after 3 months, you shouldn't want to have to go re-hash everything you've going through now. After all this work and effort you're doing to move on... are you going to want to undo it in a couple more months? It's like a false finish line. You're struggling through the days to get to that month just to date her again.

All that is, is a pretend life line. You use it when you feel your drowning.. problem is your holding on to it far to tight.. its time to come to the surface and breath without the help.

We don't need false hopes and dreams in our lives. Do we?

[ken007nielsen]

Comment on Enigma1999's post

The reasons given is: this relationship is boring(we didn't have a lot of money), I need time for myself, you don't do enough around the house.. and I agree the things we ended up doing was boring, but I thought of it as a rough patch..

Comment on answerme_tender's post

That's the viking spirit I am used too :)

Comment on mystific's post

I never really did understand, the question I would have asked was if the 3 months was still in effect, because I didn't feel I knew, and wanted to be rid of it.. and the previous post help me realize that. And I took the step further that it indeed was a false timeline and I didn't want it anymore. But thank you very much for your input.

[Enigma1999]

"The reasons given is: this relationship is boring(we didnt have alot of money), i need time for myself, you dont do enough around the house.. and i agree the things we ended up doing was boring, but i thought of it as a rough patch.."

If I haven't heard or said those words 1000 times...

If you really feel in you heart that you are through with this relationship, then it's best to let it be..

There's no sense in racking your brain, or losing sleep.

It sounds as if she is done.

To me, when someone says they need a time out, in your case three months, usually it means they aren't coming back.

Then again, who knows, stranger things have happened.

[ken007nielsen]

My particular problem is I need to know if she came back or not. Because if we agreed to try after 3 months and I moved on, that wouldent be very nice off me.

[Enigma1999]

Came back or not?

Other then Facebook, doesn't she have a contact number?

If she came back, then I would think you would know that?

[ken007nielsen]

We basically had a deal, however that deal is preventing me to move on, or was I decided screw that deal and move on anyway...

[mystific]

You're going to chase your tail on this one till you decide finally what you decide to do. You're either going to muddle through with all this indecision till the 3 months are up which doesn't guarantee anything.

Or you move on.

What's done is done. She walked away. If it were a relationship she wanted to salvage, you don't walk away, you work together to get it right. No matter how annoying you are. Ask any woman, I would bet anything EVERY significant other has traits that grate us. Oh and boring? Where's the adventure of being with someone you love and who loves you in finding things to 'unbore' us with?

Time to leave it alone and move on.

[talaniman]

We basicly had a deal, however that deal is preventing me to move on, or was i decided screw that deal and move on anyways...

Screw that deal, and do your own thing, you will feel better, just because you made a decision, and are following through on it. I mean what would you tell a friend who was dumped and the girl disappeared and he couldn't sleep over it? What have you told others?

Here is a fact you can check. Most people who get dumped and keep NC, and follow a few suggestions (stickies), end up not wanting the exes back. Wonder why that is??

[BBKittyKat]

I agree with vanheart. The reasons never matter and the dumpees never get the closure they desire.

I've done some studies on the motives of divorce and more often than not, it has been found that the dumpers felt obligated to give some sort of 'reason' or 'explanation' to make sense of everything going on in their broken relationship. This means that the 'answer' or 'explanation' were constructed AFTER the breakup and not DURING the breakup. Hence, the answer they give may not be the actual/ direct cause of the breakup. It is just something they say to allow reason to fall into place. And if they don't have any reason, they will simply make some up to appease you. So no, you don't get closure from them. You get closure from yourself. You forgive yourself for all the things you could have done better in the relationship but did not do.U forgive her for all the things she did to hurt u. You accept the fact that the relationship is over and she has made her choice to move on. You accept that there is nothing you can do to change her mind. The mind belongs to her, and only she can choose to change her mind. So waste no more time on her, and let the healing begin.

Leave the past behind, your amazing future awaits! :)