[awayandalone]

SOO CONFUSED ABOUT HER RECENT MESSAGE:

EX:
So I know you have not messaged me back.. but I feel like I need to get this off my chest before I quit buggin you...

I am sorry that I just left you when I think you may have needed me. I think you are doing better with out me though and I am happy for you and that. I wanted to ask you how your shoulder was? Also, what I am really messaging you for... I wanted to say that I am sorry.. I am sorry for not really giving you much reason for breaking up.. now I am looking back wondering why I did this because I know you were a sure thing. I love you with all my heart and care so much about you. I know you were a great guy and really the right guy for me. I know now it's a little too late to even attempt to be with you, i really wish i had talked with you more before i made the decision to end it. My life is good just miss it the way things were some times. Guess I just got a lot going on right now in my head and in life and I felt like you're the only one I want to tell some of this to.. but I won't go into any detail because really I wouldn't be surprised if you just deleted this and did not read it.. sorry just being a little emotional I guess.. last thing.. Have an awesome birthday I will prob text you on your birthday. Okay I am sorry for bugging you, just have not heard from you in a while.
Have a good... life if you decide to not respond. (not expecting you to.)

So I've highligthed the parts that stand out to me. I got from this that she missed me and sounds like she wants to fix things but she isn't sure. Well a few hours later I was sleeping and my phone went off, not looking at the number I just answered it and to my surprise it was her. We talked for 2 hours. She was very sweet and sounded so sincere it kind of broke my heart a bit to hear her voice again. But I did my best to maintain being happy. At first we simply talked about school and life went with the flow of the conversation. Then she started to talk about our relationship and basically restate what she had said in her message.
She cried and apologized over and over but said it can't work because something had happened. First she told me that one of my roommates who I thought was my best friend had made a statement to break up with me for his own benefit. But she insisted and pleaded that was not why she broke up with me and she would never do anything to betray me like that. And then to my surprise this was not the thing that had happened. She said it was something else but was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me more than I already am hurt. Turns out she met some guy the day after we broke up and about 3 weeks later she hooked up with him so it was blow after blow. The friend thing actually bothered me more than her hooking up because well she's been with guys before and she is single so I understand can't be mad at her for having fun. It only slightly hurt more because she had mentioned before she wanted to focus on herself and school and wouldn't do anything until after she was over me, well clearly by her message and phone call she doesn't seem to be over me and seems more confused than anything. Basically I got the feeling shed consider reconciling but I feel she is just being stubborn.
Had I been awake I would have never answered her call and would continue to ignore her messages as I have been doing. Now I feel I've inadvertently broken NC and having my suspisions about her being with another guy confirmed I'm afraid to fall asleep because of the nightmares I know that are going to follow. This has just made me want her all over again, and given me some small hope again that if she can see past her stubbornness about being with a guy and stating she regrets it we could work things out. Would also be so much easier if I was home.
This all sucks and I feel like at this point I'm losing all my progress and might as well start this thread over from day one. I'm so confused right now about what she is trying to get out of me by doing this. Friends at work tell me she's toying with me to try and get me to drop my internship and run back to her but since our break up I am so much more confident about finishing it out I know I could never do that.

Any thoughts or comments would be really appreciated. Thank you everyone. *sigh*

[kaka67]

I think she's a selfish *****.

Telling you all that only made her feel good. Now she's decided she misses you, you were right for her blah, blah, blah.

If you were right for her you would be together and she would NEVER have left you. If you were right for her she would have been begging to get your *** back.

She's snapping her fingers too see if you'll go running... will you?

[awayandalone]

Ha I agree that it should not concern me anymore. If you have the time please read my recent post. The roller coaster just got really violent and I hope it passes!

[awayandalone]

Hell no I won't go running and give up all I've accomplished so far. But at the same time her missing me in this way is kind of what I've wanted. If she asked me back id think for a day but ultimately id probably say yes and give it a shot. I know dumb!

[kaka67]

As you already said "sounds like she wants to fix things but she isnt sure"

If she's not sure now, she wasn't sure then, when will she be sure?

I usually don't have to ponder for long if I want to be with someone because I already know, as do most people.

You know don't you, that you want to be with HER?

But she's not sure and your waiting until she is... Not good man. She will never be sure.

She said you're the "sure thing" i.e. she knows she can snap her fingers and you'll go running. Funnily enough you've just admitted that that's probably what will happen.

Your on the rollercoaster by choice now. What are you going to do?

[gara]

Man I feel you what you are going through and you came at the right place to , to throw up with is in your chest, first be proud of yourself for a lot of things , you are perfect as playing good part of being amzing boy friend , who really listen and share ideas and thoughs and information with his girl, and you did listen to her and her support too , but you have to know something , women they are always will not be completed , man me also I'm going through break up relationship that really hurted me a lot, so man all I'm trying to say is be proud of yoruself , until now I don't know why she want to break up with you that easliy , and trust me she didn't deleate the email you wrote to her , I mean it's obevious stupid fake lie, I hate partying girls , and I agree with your friends what they told you that she talks with another guy , she looks to me the type girls who fall in love with guys for period time and then break up with them , so I guess you was the victim for her fake love, man seriously the only quesiton I'm asking myself is , every time I get in to inside this website all I see is guys hurted just like us , what woman wants from us I don't know , if we just jump in front of train for them just to show them how much we love them is not enough for them , if we take off our heart for them , and give them in to their hands , it's not enough , what the **** they want? seriously I'm confused and lost man, I would say if it's your annvirsty is getting closer for you guys ,this the moment of truth, go to her but man it's going to hurts like pain in the *** , I would say write down in paper a perfect words , and ask her why she break up with you , is it I'm not good enough for you , what do you want me to do for you , so I can proof for you, what did I went wrong, don't tell her that you heard rumores that she talks with another guy and stuff like that , let her tell you what she got to say , ask her every thing inside your mind , man I think girls when they know they are wrong and you ask them serious quesitons like that , they always cry, don't get soft about that part, keep asking her , you have to stay tough are you listning stay tuff like rock be iron man , if she said to you wrong stuff , man tell her I was there for you , if her conversation went wrong , and tell you negative things , like I left you for another guy at that time , tell her what goes around come back around , and you the type girls who takes good guys heart and then leave them, you will never find a guy like me giving up his life for you, prepare a speech for her , I really want you to find out what reason she left man , I know the stuff she going to say it's going to be pian for you , but man be iron please , don't fall for her words, this your time to take revange and have to know what is going on , **** what your friends told you , I want you to find out from her mouth all the truth why in the world she left , oki, and I'm waiting the updates from you man.

[kaka67]

Oh my god my face just hit into a big fat wall of text!! :eek:

Gara please use paragraphs, I'm old, I need all the help I can get with reading.

[awayandalone]

I work nights right now and this whole thing has compltelely emotionally drained me and I feel so tired.

Gara:
The things in the message about her being with another guy did come from her. My friend wanted her to break up with me so he oculd have a chance at her, which I was always suspicious of but never actually thought he would try anything.

Then separately was a different guy she had met through one of her girlfriends after we broke up and ended up with him. She claimed she regrets it though but that is probably to make me feel better.

Kaka:
I know its sad that if given the chance I would want to take her bad. But I am a believer that people are worthy of a second chance, especially in times of weakness, I'm not saying she is weak, but I believe the combination of dealing with missing me while I'm away, all of her school work, and other family pressures her mom put on her combined to make her believe this was the right choice and now she isn't second guessing it because I was the one bit of stability she had in her life and then I was gone.
I don't expect her to ask me back today, tomorrow, or even in the next month, and if it ever does happen id hope I have continued to heal and think it would take a lot of thought and consideration for me to truly consider taking her back. To see her say everything about making the wrong choice to me is the most confusing because she has always been one to stand by her decisions and rarely to never go back on something. So that's why for her to even say any of that gives me some hope they she may truly believe she made a poor choice. But I know I can't chase her as that will only push her away more.

[pandead]

Well, that was expected.
I honestly think you'd still answer her call if you were fully awake. She already wrote to you and you didn't answer, so she calls you. Boundaries, right?

I totally agree with kaka here, she IS a selfish *****. (I'd write it in caps too if I could.)

I know its sad that if given the chance I would want to take her bad. But I am a believer that people are worthy of a second chance,

Of course, you should give people second chances... when they deserve it. What has she done to deserve a second chance? Contacting you? Sounds like a "huge" proof of courage and love...

i was the one bit of stability she had in her life and then I was gone.

So she wants the stability back, even if it means she could change her mind again tomorrow and turn your life upside down. She just wants something, and she wants it quick.

Should I ask what she wanted when she hooked up with that guy? Oh wait, you answered it, you can't be mad at her for "wanting to have some fun"... while you were trying to do what grown-ups do, deal with problems.

to see her say everything about making the wrong choice to me is the most confusing because she has always been one to stand by her decisions and rarely to never go back on something. So that's why for her to even say any of that gives me some hope they she may truly believe she made a poor choice. But I know i can't chase her as that will only push her away more.

Why is it confusing? Didn't you expect this? She broke your heart and thought you would run back to her whenever she snaps her fingers (looks like she still does) and while waiting, she hooked up with someone. You were on the right track healing and focusing on your life, now you are confused, which is what she wanted in the first place.

She is right about something, you should have deleted her message without reading. You are right about not answering your phone. Don't fool yourself and stick to NC. I'm sorry to tell you, but you will only get hurt more if you keep doing this.

[kaka67]

Kaka:
i know its sad that if given the chance i would want to take her bad. but i am a believer that people are worthy of a second chance, especially in times of weakness, im not saying she is weak, but i believe the combination of dealing with missing me while im away, all of her school work, and other family pressures her mom put on her combined to make her believe this was the right choice and now she isnt second guessing it bc i was the one bit of stability she had in her life and then i was gone.
i dont expect her to ask me back today, tomorrow, or even in the next month, and if it ever does happen id hope i have continued to heal and think it would take a lot of thought and consideration for me to truly consider taking her back. to see her say everything about making the wrong choice to me is the most confusing bc she has always been one to stand by her decisions and rarely to never go back on something. so thats why for her to even say any of that gives me some hope they she may truly believe she made a poor choice. but i know i can't chase her as that will only push her away more.

I was you one year ago. My ex who had cut me off then magically decided that I was what they wanted. I went back and a year later guess what? Im on my own again.

I hope you don't get hurt again and that's all anyone here wants to protect you from.

I hope the mistakes of the past are dealt with. Good Luck ;)

[awayandalone]

Thank you for words of tough love pandead. Now looking at the message I completely over analyzed it and got my hopes up way to quickly over it. The phone call I should have simply made the conversation brief and hung up once knowing it was her. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement kaka.
So I finish my bartending class Friday, went out today and picked up plenty of applications at restaurants, and I hope that having a second job around people my own age will allow me to get out more like I've wanted too. Thank you everyone.

[awayandalone]

I really wish I had never talked to her. Knowing everything I know now, the anxiety is worse than ever. I slept terribly last night, constantly had dreams of her with this guy mixed with dreams of me and her being happy all over again and then leaving me.

My 21st birthday comes up in a week and like a normal person I should be excited and happy, but I'm not happy at all for so many reasons. I feel like I'm going to be alone on the biggest birthday of my life. All of my friends are back home, I don't know if the few friends I have made down here are available to go out, and I won't even get to see my family, let alone the girl I loved who made my last two birthdays so amazing. She said she would text me and wish me a happy birthday but I don't know if that's going to happen because she also told me she's going to some huge party that night, it almost feels like telling me that is some huge slap in the face that shell be having a great night and ill be miserable.

I feel like my life is a complete wreck right now. I see myself being more than a year behind in school when I go back because this internship hasn't allowed me to take any but two online courses.

I just don't know where to turn anymore, I think I might finally look into seeing a counselor and see if that helps. This stress and pain is killing me, most days I feel somewhat OK, but the days it gets to me I feel like I can't do anything and I know that's not normal.

[talaniman]

If I were you, instead of being depressed and have doubts, I would have my own plan for my own birthday and if nothing else, celebrate my own freedom. Why make misery the choice when you have family and friends.

[Just Looking]

It can be hard to go through that first birthday, the first holiday, etc. but if you plan ahead it will be better. Why not ask some of your new friends if they are available instead of not knowing? If they aren't available, you can still make plans for yourself. For example, you could go see a movie - maybe The Social Network (about the founders of Facebook). If you aren't comfortable with that, plan to rent a movie and pick up some good take-out. Add a trip to the gym so you can workout some of these bad feelings. Give yourself something to look forward to.

Did you ever start taking the melatonin again? Those dreams you are having are exactly the type of thing it helps. The contact with her is not helping at all, but it sounds like you realize that.

Will you be going home for the holidays, or anytime soon? It would help you a lot to see your friends and family if you can go home.

Internships are valuable for a number of reasons, including landing a better job when you graduate and opening your eyes to opportunities. Instead of feeling like you wasted a year, think about what you learned. Did it give you a better idea of what you want to do for a career, or even a better idea of what you don't want to do?

[awayandalone]

You make a good point. I guess it wouldn't be so bad to celebrate a birthday alone and find things to keep myself busy and make me happy.

Yea I've been using the melatonin again and some nights I notice it helping and sleep fine. Other nights it like I didn't take it at all and the dreams are overwhelming and I wake up with the worst anxiety. I know the contact with her is the reason I'm having all these dreams again, feels like we just broke up and I've lost her all over again. NC was helping me and no matter what she says I know I need to stick by it through everything!

Unfortunately I won't be home for the holidays or anytime soon as my job has a vacation hold in place since we are short staffed through the holiday season. Not necessarily a bad thing because ill be able to make some more money.

I know the value this internship will bring me in my future, I've learned so much more than I ever would have learned in a classroom both about my career and about life skills. I figure I've come about as close to the real world as I can get without being completely thrown into it, as I will still be able to go back to school. The internship has certainly shown me that I want to pursue a career in aviation. It may not be in the exact job I am working in my internship but being around the pilots has definitely shown me I want to have a future in flying.

The anxiety I'm feeling sucks. Its like I'm all the way back at day one after our break up and I know I have no one to blame for that but myself. Everyone has been so helpful. And I guess I just have to build myself back up to that good place and new life I was starting to see before I talked to her. Hopefully things start looking up again soon.

[Just Looking]

I have a couple of suggestions about those nights when you still have trouble sleeping. Are you still working out? Daily exercise will do a lot to release anxiety and help you sleep better at night.

Second, you are still going to have tough nights. You need to find what works for you. A couple of things that helped me were to read books, articles or stories that would be give ideas of how to move forward. They could be on any number of subjects, whether relationship or career oriented, but something that made me think about the future and where I wanted to head. The other thing I like to do is make lists - of what I want to accomplish and how I'm going to go about doing it. Even when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, the thing that helps is to make a list of what I will do when I get to my office. As long as I have a plan, the anxiety is lessened. Just an idea, but there is something that will work for you. What won't work is to think about the dream and the past. You have to let it go. Naturally, that will take time to entirely get past thinking about what happened, but you can take an active part is lessening the time it takes.

Sounds like a great intership. A lot of people move around a lot after college trying to find themselves and what they want to do. You are learning a lot of that now. It is definitely time well spent.

Stop blaming yourself and realize it's all part of the learning lesson. You now know that you can't have contact without hurting yourself, so use that knowledge to move forward. You'll be in that better place again. Stay there this time, and keep working for a better life. Good luck.

[awayandalone]

So this is going to sound stupid and I know it is my own fault for what I'm about to say but bare with me please and understand that after two years of talking with someone everyday I am having a hard time not answering, reading, or listening to anything from her, well at least it was after this last thing she did I think it will get easier. So here's what happened, I mentioned the message with her mixed signals or at least they were mixed to me and how bad that all made me feel. I went NC again and after a week I get a call from her, I did my part and ignored the call, but she left me a voicemail. Now I know right here is a big red flag, I SHOULD have deleted it, same as the message but its hard to not hear what she has to say. It was a short message that sounds sweet in nature saying Hi just wanted to see how your doing and hope your having a good day. (I rolled my eyes at this) Then she proceeds to end the message by saying she wanted to let me know that she is kind of sort of dating the guy she met the day after she broke up with me.(my heart sank, and I know the pain is my own fault for listening)
I'm wondering what kind of heartless person calls you to tell you they are kind of dating the person they met after they broke up with you? Obviously it's a rebound, but how do you "kind of" date someone? Does that mean its just friends with benefits? I feel like she is going out of her way to make me miserable and for some of the afternoon it did, but I went out and got busy and haven't really thought about it since.
I guess this just proves to me that she doesn't care about my feeling and should make my process of moving on that much easier, but at the same time its not, because when I was in NC originally I could speculate she was with someone but block it out because I didn't really know. Well now I know and I have small moments where I panic because all I can do is think about her sleeping with him and all of the things she used to do for me to attract me and turn me on she's now doing for him and it makes me sick in the pit of my stomach. Sorry for the detail there but how do you manage to get past those thoughts. I know finding a new girl would help but I don't want to get into a rebound or hurt someone because I still have so many feelings for my ex.
Please don't yell at me for being weak I realize I am, this is just so hard to swallow when I look back at all the wonderful times we shared and don't really see anything wrong with what we had. Also the fact that she made a point in her last message to say I was the perfect and right guy for her hasn't helped me at all, I guess I'm not as perfect as she made me believe I was for 2 years.

[pandead]

You know what you're doing wrong, yet you don't do anything to change it. Change your phone number if you have no self-control, stop listening to her voicemails or reading her texts, what she has to say is none of your business since she is someone else's girlfriend now. (Yes, for me "kind of sort of dating" means "I'll pretend that I'm not over you so you don't hate me, but I'm dating someone.")

You don't give yourself any chance to move on, you are hanging on to your memories and amplifying them in your head but you need to wake up and quick. You were doing good trying to heal, focus on your life, you were at least trying, now you're going backwards.

Do you wonder what your neighbor is doing with her boyfriend? Do you think what sweet names they give to each other? You don't. From now on, you should wonder more about your neighbor than about her (that sounds creepy, but you get the point.)

For the information, I can't even count the number of guys I dated and I broke up with saying "you are perfect but I can't be with you." Coward's way out to avoid breaking someone's heart, I know. But if you were really perfect for her, would you be here?

Open your eyes. You already wasted too much time on someone who's not into you.

[kaka67]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to pandead again

so this is going to sound stupid and i know it is my own fault for what im about to say but bare with me please and understand that after two years of talking with someone everyday I am having a hard time not answering, reading, or listening to anything from her, well at least it was after this last thing she did i think it will get easier.

Well, yes, it does sound stupid.

You seem to want to learn the hard way. But we all make choices in this world and you have made yours.

Just remember that she can't hurt you with this info if you don't listen to it or read it.

She knows what she's doing and your letting her.

But you already know all this.

[wonderlife]

Nah... not here for a while and your situation right now is not what I expect you to be in at all...

It's only a matter of choice you make. I told you before you can choose to do whatever you want to do regarding her but again you have to always accept whatever consequences that will come from your actions. Lot of people here give you advices based on what we had been through before but it's all up to you to put all the strength you have to do it effectively. You can do it (NC) for a while and then fail and then do it again and then fail again... how many times you will allow yourself to be like this? I mean it's OK to fail and I understand that you just can't resisit the temptation to know or to hear from her. But if you keep repeating this (keep contact with her through whatever channels), it will only prolong the process of your own healing and cause you pain, which is unnecessary at all.

The girl is still young and I can sense that, based on how she treated you and what she said to you, she didn't care much about you. I doubt that she even knows how to treat anyone with respect or care for other people's feelings. She only cares and think about herself more than others. She doesn't even responsible for her own actions or for what she said. It's funny and lame to say something like what she said to you that she didn't know why and how she broke up with you. It's also very funny for people on my age to ever call the ex and tell that we are now dating someone. She still needs to grow up and learn a lot. Anyway, it's her issue not yours.

You cause yourself unnecessary pain by allowing her to say all these absurd things to you. You still have such a strong feeling for her and hold on too much to the good moments in the past. You can do whatever you want until you get enough of pain, suffer, or you may just get bored about it one day. But my only advice remains the same that you have to gather all your strength to live your life happily without her and move on with dignity and pride.

I'm a tye of person who's likely to hold on and try to make the relationship work as well and that's why I had to take lot of craps from my ex, but once it came to the point when someone said they longer want me in their life by dumping or breaking up with me, their actions always make a permanent end to the relationship. I no longer seek other answers anymore. No matter how good the relationship is in the past, I just can't want someone who can dump me even they might say they regret it later.

Please remember this: When someone truly loves and cares and is the right person for you, they don't break up with you or dump you.