[awayandalone]

I agree break ups suck... a lot! And I know I'm not even close to being over the hump to get it back together. I see what your getting at about getting up and moving on. But I don't think I really made a mistake by her... I loved her unconditionally, cared for her like nothing else mattered, and supported her through all of her decisions, and from what I saw she did all the same for me. I'm not trying to contradict what your saying by any means and I do understand your point, its an essential part of life, getting back up when were down.
Everyone here has been very helpful and I can't say thank you enough. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I'm trying to sort them all out one day at a time.

[Veeva]

Focus on you. Clearly she doesn't care about you. So try not to think about her and every time you start to think of her.. stop.

[wonderlife]

Acceptance is so important. This is not about you have to do something wrong or she has to be a bad person. You might, in actual, care for her a lot, treat her right, always be by her side, and devote 100% in this relationship. She might also used to be so good to you or even now she might still care and think about you as a good friend. But the fact is that she no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. You two broke up already.

You seem to still dwell on the past and try to figure things out. Again, as telling you, she migh want something else in life, her feelings might have changed, or she might find someone else who may not as good as you in terms of love and devotion, but for some unexplainable reasons, she fell so hard for him. You will never know exactly why. PLEASE DON'T DWELL ON ALL THESE THOUGHTS, wasting time figure out whether it's your false or her false. Accept it as it actually happened is the first step you have to take before you can really move on. You can't change the past.

I know and I believe that you are a good person who truly loves her, but this doesn't mean she has to want to be in the relationship with you forever. Lot of people dumped a really good caring person to find someone else or something else (better or worse it's their own choice in life). It's their decision to move on to other things and you don't have to blame yourself or blame her about it or spending time figure things (in the past) out. It's her choice to give up on the relationship and it's also your choice whether to move on or to dwell on it.

Be strong, it's going to be hard and it takes times as lot of people told you. You might cry, you might think about it, you might feel so upset: it's a process you have to get through. Please just keep fighting all those negativities and hold your head high.

You can CHOOSE to talk to her, or reply to her texts, or even meet her, or try to be friends, or try to win her back, whatever it's your choice. Don't worry that just saying no to her that you couldn't go out to have lunch with her was a big deal. All I can say is that, if you want to heal and successfully move on with your life, keeping in touch with her wouldn't help and it will only delay and make it more difficult for you to get over her.

[Veeva]

Comment on awayandalone's post

No you didn't make a mistake by her, she made the mistake by not loving you enough, yes sure when things were good you were feeling equal, but where are things now where is she.. her actions have shown you her true feelings..

Bottom line is this, if she loved you enough or the same she would be with you.. but that's not the case, sometimes people stay because they get comfortable with the way things are, by you moving away and not spending as much time.. her true feelings were shown. Believe me if she truly loved you there would be nothing she wouldn't do to be with you.vice versa right?
I was told once. Girls don't know what they want.. they think they know and when they have it they don't want it. Or don't appreciate it. GIRLS can deny it.. but the truth is.. when we have a bad guy or a guy that cares less about us then we do for them.. we crave for the love and attention and compassion, ANd when we get it the love and attention we need, we usually look for that bad guy someone that doesn't want us so we can prove how good we are and how much we can make them want us. Most girls haven't learnt to appreciate what they have when its good. Therefore losing out on good guys like you! Honest if she comes back to you, awesome.. but I would move on before or if that ever happens because she clearly doesn't feel the same way about you. You shouldn't waste your breath or invest so much time into her when clearly she is not doing the same, I understand these chat things help, but even doing this you are still giving her too much of your time, too much of you. Get you right, get over her and you will be a better stronger person for it.. and pray, I guarantee you will find your true love.. she's not it! Xx Veeva

[awayandalone]

Thank you all. I start my bartending class next week. So hopefully that will keep me busy for the next three weeks. Ill use that time to try and stay off here and post back after with how I'm doing. All the advice and comments have been super helpful! Thanks!

[awayandalone]

So I said I wouldn't post for a while but something has been burning in my mind and I feel I need to write it out somewhere for fear of calling her because I know that would end badly and I don't want too. Basically this is things I want to ask her but by writing here I'm hoping I won't.

Why is she letting herself do such stupid ****, smoking pot, drinking regularly, losing focus in school and letting her grades slip? She broke up with her last boyfriend because he was a pot smoker, why let herself become the thing she hated most? Why the F*** did she give up us give up on me... she pushed me to take this internship, I took to progress my future to provide a better future for the both of us, and rather than love me deeply and forever like she always promised she let someone else take my place and gave up. She was the most sweet caring loving individual I had ever met, she was goal oriented, determined to be the best nurse she could be, and now she's another d*** party girl sleeping around with god only knows who. I mean nothing to her anymore, she tells me she cares about me, but that can't be true because the girl that cared about me called to see how I was doing how my day was, now I haven't even received a f***ing thing from her to even see if I'm still alive. I feel like I could fall off the face of the earth and it would never matter to her. She said I was perfect the one for her the man she wanted to spend her nights with and wake up each morning next too, how did I go from being perfect to imperfect in a little over a week with no prior indication that things were going wrong. She cares nothing about me anymore and yet I still want to be with her, I feel like something is wrong with me, we shouldn't want the things that hurt us. No one wanted to be friends with the kid that bullied them in school so why do I want to be with a girl who had my heart in her hands and smashed it to bits without even blinking an eye.
What pisses me off is were told as kids to pursue the things we love most, go after our dreams and live life to the fullest. Well in my opinion she was my dream girl but if I pursue her she'll run and resent me. How come were told to pursue everything in life that we love but not love itself? Instead of trying to win her everyone every one says NC and forget, which I must say after some time now is starting to help I do notice myself thinking about her less and when I do it doesn't hurt as bad, but lets say we don't get a job we want the first time we improve our resume and try again. Or the one thing we've heard over and over again since we were kids IF YOU FALL OFF THE HORSE YOU GET RIGHT BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN! But no where in that saying does it say to find a new horse to ride. I know there are many fish in the sea many singles out there just like me waiting to find that right person, but when we've fallen for a fish that feels so right shouldn't we try to catch it and keep it or do we really throw it back and hope one day it will nibble our line again?
I don't know if I'm making any sense here I feel like I'm just rambling and venting and I in no way intend to offend anyone on here because all the advice I've received has been so helpful. Thank you to everyone who's continued to help and read my posts. Starting bar tending school today and I am so excited for it!

[talaniman]

Nice vent. Great actually. But you have to understand, not only did her feelings change about you, they changed about life. I suspect they changed about life, before they changed about you. That's what happens first, we start to see a bigger world with many temptations, and what to experience more. It happens all the time.

We just start to want different things, so we go after them. Usually its about them, and not you. The real test for you is not what happened, but how we cope with it, even if we don't quite understand it. Trust me, you will one day, when its you who have a change in feelings.

[awayandalone]

Thanks Tal. So I wanted to update because well I've been back and forth with my emotions. A week I ago I started taking my bar tending class and it has been very helpful for my emotions as well as taken my mind off her for the time being. When I'm at the class I'm around fun enjoyable people and when I'm home I'm studying the things I need to know for the class. However, I still find myself thinking about her, not as often as I was a few weeks ago, and when I do sometimes its just a passing thought and other times I just cry for no reason. I find myself missing the caring sound of her voice or the way she used to put this huge smile and run up to hug me when she hadn't seen me in a few days.

I'm doing much better in NC and have refrained from calling, texting, or anything even though lately I've had urges to call her. I think that came from the fact that a week ago today she sent me a message saying she misses me, misses how we used to talk but knows we can't talk because she doesn't want to give me false hope. Then went on to say that she thinks about me all the time and wants to know if I'm OK and happy. Then just said she was happy I started bar tending, not sure how she knew about that, but that's besides the point. I didn't respond to the message and it made me wonder if she doesn't want to give me false hope by talking... then why message me in the first place? I feel like every time I see something from her I'm just taking another step back. Then I wanted to respond and tell her I'm doing fine I'm just unhappy that she isn't with me anymore and that I miss her more than anything, reluctantly I refrained from responding and I'm happy about it. Though now a week has passed since I got that message and I'm starting to think I will never hear from her ever again and that's starting to pull on my emotions because I never wanted to lose her.

I am happy to say once I get going with my day I'm usually able to put a smile on and find something about the day that makes me happy. Its just those small moments where she crosses my mind that I start to feel sad again and I wish I could just make those moments stop. I know I still have a long way to recover from this blow to my heart but I at least think I'm making some progress. Thanks again to everyone.

[awayandalone]

So sleep is starting to become difficult for me again and I have no idea why. In a way I feel like I'm going through a very violent and depressing withdrawl. I haven't contacted her in a little over 3 weeks now and last heard from her about a week ago. During the day I seem to be doing OK if I'm busy and not thinking about her. However, everyday day before I fall asleep I find her on my mind and I feel trapped like there is nothing I can do to get her off my mind. Then when I finally fall asleep I jump awake from constantly having dreams of her and wake in a cold sweat. Then once I finally wake up in the morning if I've slept it all she continues to be the first thought on my mind. Why is this happening to me? I still miss her so much and I still want nothing more than to have her back in my life. Its driving me mad. I'm starting to eat more regularly again but I'm sure its still not a healthy amount.
I can't fight this feeling that I never should have taken this internship I should have stayed with her at school for another year and tried for the internship the year after. But then I think if I didn't take it id regret not doing it as well. I just want to be happy again, not in sparadic moments, but truly happy all the time like I used to be when I was with her. Any thoughts our comments would be appreciated! Thanks

[Just Looking]

There are a few things you can do to relieve your stress. Are you exercising? It relaxes your mind and body, and it's an outlet for negative emotions. It will also increase your self-esteem and self-worth by knowing you are doing something good for yourself. I think it's especially beneficial if you find an exercise you enjoy, as having fun is important to your healing process.

Melatonin can help you sleep better. You can buy this supplement over the counter at health food stores, drugstores, or on-line. I've used it a few times, just for the short-term, when I've had trouble sleeping. I find that it relaxes me enough that I can go to sleep and stay asleep.

You could try yoga or meditation to relieve your stress. Simple breathing exercises will also help. Deep breathing exercises work. Practice this once or twice a day, trying to be consistent in your times, and not when you are sleepy. Sit comfortably with your back straight, with one hand on your chest and the other hand on your abdomen. Breathe deeply from your abdomen - Breathe in through your nose. The hand on your chest should barely move, while the hand on your abdomen will rise. Exhale through your mouth, pushing out as much air as you can and contracting your abdominal muscles. You only need to do this for a few minutes once or twice a day to make a difference.

One of the things that helped me a lot when I had trouble sleeping was progressive muscle relaxation. I used this for the times I woke up, as you described when you said you woke up with a jolt. You can do this while still lying down in bed. Take a few minutes to relax, breathing in and out in slow, deep breaths. Start with one foot. Slowly tense the foot, squeezing as tightly as you can to a count of ten. Relax the foot, concentrating on the tension flowing away and the feeling of relaxation in the foot. Stay in this relaxed mode for a moment, and then switch to the other foot. You continue this up your legs one at a time, first the calf muscles and then the thigh muscles. Continue the process up your body: butt, abdomen, hands, arms, chest, neck and face. Don't rush it. By the time you are done, you will be amazed at how much better you feel. For me, it almost always worked to calm me enough to go to sleep. If it didn't, I did the process a second time.

The biggest thing that will help is time. It isn't surprising that you are having difficulty after three weeks. It will get better.

[talaniman]

You will have bad days, and good days, and its very normal for fear, and doubt to creep into your thinking, but it fades if you don't dwell on it.

Feelings are like the weather, subject to change with conditions. You don't question the rain, just hope it stops soon, so the sun can come out. So it is with your feelings, they will rise again, but the whole point in the process, is learning to cope with your negative feelings in positive ways so you don't get stuck on them.

Your negative feelings are still very fresh, and makes weird dreams that much more dominant, but you will adjust, its only been a few weeks, and a week since last contact. It will get better. Doesn't matter if it's a break up, death of a close family member, or the dog running away, there are plenty of tests to your coping skills in life, so this is but one of many. You will survive, no matter what life throws at you.

[awayandalone]

Just looking:
Thank you for your advice. I'm actually going on a little over 2 months since we broke up its just been 3 full weeks now I've sustained NC and one week since she last messaged me.
Ive been working out and that has helped a lot, lost some weight and am really starting to get in shape again which is really helping my confidence and I definitely went and bought melatonin about a week or so after she broke up with me. I guess the sleeping troubles are coming back because I stopped using it for a while and wanted to try sleeping without but ill probably use it again.

I've always heard breathing exercises help but I've never known a defined way to do it properly so I will give your suggestion a try and try to make it a part of my daily routine. I've never heard of muscle relaxing either but I see your point and see how that can be helpful ill give that a try as well. Hopefully the combination of those exercises and melatonin will help me sleep better.

Tal as always thank you, your words are always encouraging and good to hear. Some days I find myself coping better than others and on the bad days I've been trying to encourage myself to know that I've had good days before and ill have good days again and that usually helps.

I am curious though, is feeling sad because I may never hear from her again something that will prevent me from moving forwards? I know dwelling on the fact that I may not hear from her is unhealthy but if its only once in a while is that a bad thing? I still can't stand the thought that after all the time we spent together, all the good and some bad times, I feel like I've just been forgetten and never really mattered. I guess it would be nice to know that I mattered enough for her to still about me and if she does that she at least smiles at the thought of our memories.

[talaniman]

You make the same mistakes through inexperience that we all do. You are not looking deep enough, and exploring the unknown world of YOU!! Its easy to put your ex as the face of sadness right now because its fresh. That's human, and normal when you are young (and old for that matter, just because it's the easiest route to go) and the point is to develop a coping strategy that's both challenging to make you focus, and rewarding to make you feel better.

Exercise is action, on the physical level, that promotes well being through gradual strengthening, but the mind has to be exercised also, to promote well being through accomplishment, and hope. Accomplishing even the smallest task leads to accomplishing even more, and in this way we move forward, within ourselves and forward in our lives. Its called getting busy, and building a life that you enjoy that makes you happy. You are happy because you have things to look forward to, and the excitement of anticipation makes it hard to even feel bad.

The next time the ex pops in your head, focus on a small task, or an exercise, and then do it. Its awkward at first but stick to it, and modify it to fit your needs and within a week through repetition, you have a coping strategy. Even better is making a list of things to do, both long, and short term, simple or complicated, that you can work at, and go back to when you need to change the focus of your mind from the past, to the present.

To do any of this, you must explore yourself, and know what makes you feel good, and what does not. You must experiment, and try things, keeping the god, and discarding what's not so good. Now some people do this easily, some have to work at it, but we all learn things we didn't know about ourselves and work to change what we don't like about us, and build on what we do like.

Progress and growth will have you full of confidence and self esteem, and sitting on the pity pot dwelling on what was, is a perfect waste of time that will produce anger, jealousy, doubts and regrets, and plenty of pent up feelings called resentments. Guess which one has the more rewards to it. A simple choice.

Ask yourself would it be better to love yourself, and do good things for yourself, and others, or be forever jealous and angry over not having what you want, when you want it?

Again a choice, and again, at least to me, a very simple one. So make a decision, based on facts and not just feelings, and get busy. Open the mind to see possibilities (options and opportunities) to grow, and focus on chasing them, not what you lost yesterday, and BREATH!!

[awayandalone]

I agree so much on getting busy and accomplishing new things. This week I'm finishing up my bar class and I know its going to feel so good to do so. But I feel with that and the other few accomplishments I've made over the past 2 months I still feel low for not sharing my accomplishments with her as I used to. It feels great to do new things and with each new accomplishment I think of her less and less but in the back of my mind she still lingers.

its funny you mentioned the list tal, that was exactly what I did once I noticed myself dwelling on her so much. I made a list of small things to do anytime she starts to come into my mind and it has really helped.

though today I feel like everythings been reset again. Today is 2 months since we broke up. I've been NC for 3 or 4 weeks. She message me two weeks ago saying she misses me but doesn't want to talk and give me false hope. Well now today she randomly message me again saying she had some drink that tasted like something me and her made once. This simple but pointless message seems to have brought back every feeling I have for her. I start to feel like I'm doing better and moving on and then something like this happens. A part of me wants to be civil and respond in hopes that might bring us back together, but my friends and I feel every here will tell me to delete it continue NC and block her from my mind. I really want her back but I've also done a lot of thinking about all the things she did wrong by me. Hopefully this is one of those hurdles to get over and recover.

[pandead]

When I read some of the posts here I feel so sad and desperate for the poster. You can feel it physically when you read them, how their words are full of pain and desperation. Sometimes you can tell people aren't ready to move on, they would like to, but they would rather try to get their ex back.

And sometimes, I read posts like yours, that give me hope.

I was a complete mess when I came here, not so long ago. The gym, the list, all this sounds so familiar. I don't feel sad when I read how you are moving on because I can tell you are on the right way. Breaking NC happens, crying at home, staying in bed happens. Wanting to act like adults and talking to them only leads to more pain.

Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends always come back for different reasons. They check on you every once in a while, to "see what you're doing." They don't realize how much it hurts and how hard it is already to move on, even without talking to them. They look great, they sound great, they can be full of promises, or just plain mean. They are selfish and they don't care.

You are on the right way away, be selfish. Make yourself the center of your life. The sadness goes away, it really does. Don't be desperate nothing is lost, you're going to be okay... you will delete the messages eventually, and block her. You have the strength, it just takes time to prove it to yourself. Be confident. Good luck!

[Just Looking]

Delete it, continue NC, and block her from your mind. This is just one of those hurdles to get over and recover. You said it so well that I just thought I'd repeat it. :)

Keep up the good work. It keeps getting easier and easier. That doesn't mean you won't think of her again, but over time you will think of her less and you will find other things (including other women) more interesting. You'll have dreams sometimes and things will remind you of her. Eventually, it won't bother you as much.

Congratulations on finishing your bar class. I guess I don't have to mention that you'll meet a lot of women through bartending, when the time is right.

[awayandalone]

Its great to hear from someone that the process does actually work! Thanks for the encouragement!

[awayandalone]

I must say deep down I agree deleting, ignoring it, and forgetting it would be best. How do I fight the feeling though that if I'm civil and respond it may help things. Not really sure how because it's a pointless message but I have this burning feeling right now that I should simply respond. I still don't want to lose her forever from my life. I hate the fact that I still have so much love for this girl and my emotions are on a wild rollercoaster I just want to get off. Sorry I probably sound stubbourn and stupid. I know I've made some progress and taken the time to see what was negative about our relationship but even through that I still seem to have strong feelings for her. :/

[lamp_post]

Dude, many of us here were the heartbroken ones and we WILL grow better. Regardless, I am still on NC for 4 months now but I am breaking it in a week or so to call my ex to get my stuff back and there and then the NC hopefully shall be on long term basis.

[kaka67]

i must say deep down i agree deleting, ignoring it, and forgetting it would be best. .... i hate the fact that i still have so much love for this girl and my emotions are on a wild rollercoaster i just want to get off of.....

We've all been there... In some way.

Ive been NC with my ex for 5 months now. Its still hard but gets better every day. My heart still has hope that we'll get back together, but, my head knows the truth, as I'm sure does yours, or you wouldn't be here posting to avoid contacting her.

The only thing that helped me was that I changed my phone number and deleted my email address. If I hadn't done that then I certainly would have made contact before now.

What she does, think or even feel should not concern you anymore. I know its hard to let go but you must. You need to get off the rollercoaster and, believe me, it's a nice place being on solid ground for a change.

Good Luck :)