[Aniuska]

Is lying to your spouse about things that you know would greatly impact your relationship with them ever OK? Is rationalizing that it is better not to tell them things that were done within the relationship (in the past), because telling them would cause them great pain, really OK? What is more "moral" and "ethical" and "loving"... telling your spouse the truth or making the decision for them, that they are better off not knowing something? Any thoughts on the potential consequences of either route?

[Fr_Chuck]

It is never "right" to lie, but then there is no need to also tell them about X lovers, past sexual experiences and more. That is the past and needs to stay there.

[talaniman]

The truth is the best. They can make their decisions based on facts, and not the lies you have told.

[Jake2008]

A liie like, you told him you bought a pair of shoes on sale for 40% off the clearance price, with an additional 10% off, and no tax, when really ou paid full price of $100 for them, well, I've done that. Doesn't make me a bad person to make me feel good, and make him feel good that the shoes were so cheap.

But, what you seem to be saying is something a LOT more major than a pair of shoes. Keeping something from someone where you have to keep lying to them, knowing that if they knew, your relationship would take a huge hit, as you said, then of course, you have to tell them.

If we are talking about an affair here, while you are married, yes, I think your partner needs to know what you've done.

Just what is this great lie?

[redhed35]

The 'better off not knowing' part of your post is what stood out for me.

Better off for whom?

Does it let you off the hook?

The truth always always comes out,whether in a heated argument,or a moment of intimacy.

Your not giving your spouse enough credit to be able to deal with the truth.

If you messed up,yeah,the truth is better,if its something else,don't they deserve to know what's happened,does not matter how bad you think it is,perhaps for them,its not the worst thing that has ever happened in their life.

[Aniuska]

the 'better off not knowing' part of your post is what stood out for me.

better off for whom?

What I'm talking about is withholding information from one's spouse because you know that it will definitely change their life for the worse due to feeling betrayed, and that it will be something that will clearly take them out of their current "happiness" and feelings of "hope" and will not be easily resolved. How does one balance the belief that people deserve the "truth" vs. knowing that sometimes what someone doesn't know, won't hurt them... and who wants to cause intolerable pain on someone else by confessing past mistakes, even when it means that both partners are seeing the reality of their relationship quite differently? What if one can rationalize that they will NEVER make the past mistakes again... is it still a bad thing to not tell the truth, when the intent is to not hurt them?

And yes, I'm talking about having made a mistake within the relationship... it occurred prior to marriage... but the issue is not the mistake, the issue is the ongoing lies that are a consequence of never having told, and having gotten married, all the while knowing that there was a painful secret...

[Sillygal]

I think it depends on what the mistake is and what the lie is. There *may* be situations when it is better not to say anything, but equally and I think mostly it is better to be honest.

I think you might want to give us more information about what the nature of the *lie* is, how long ago it happened etc so you might get some more honest and relevant feedback.

[redhed35]

What I'm talking about is withholding information from one's spouse b/c you know that it will definitely change their life for the worse due to feeling betrayed, and that it will be something that will clearly take them out of their current "happiness" and feelings of "hope" and will not be easily resolved. How does one balance the belief that people deserve the "truth" vs. knowing that sometimes what someone doesn't know, won't hurt them...and who wants to cause intolerable pain on someone else by confessing past mistakes, even when it means that both partners are seeing the reality of their relationship quite differently? What if one can rationalize that they will NEVER make the past mistakes again...is it still a bad thing to not tell the truth, when the intent is to not hurt them?

And yes, I'm talking about having made a mistake within the relationship...it occurred prior to marriage...but the issue is not the mistake, the issue is the ongoing lies that are a consequence of never having told, and having gotten married, all the while knowing that there was a painful secret...

The inverted commas that you use in the word truth? either it is or it is'nt,there's no between.

The mistake is the core of the lies,pull that into the light and there's no more lies.

What do you think will happen if you told the truth?

Not for your spouse,but for you?

The painful secret is yours,whatever you decide to do,I would suggest some counselling for you,just to talk honestly about what happened.

Yes,some secrets are best left in the past,and some fester for a long time and eventually impose themselves on your present life.

Posting what the mistake was is your prerogative,but it may help posters give you a more comphensive answer.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...id-491992.html

This is a duplicate post and though the title was changed the basic question is the same. Maybe this is something personal, maybe its just curiosity, I don't know, but sounds personal to me.

[Aniuska]

[url]

Maybe this is something personal, maybe its just curiosity, I don't know, but sounds personal to me.

It is personal and I'll leave it at that... The "lie" I'm referring to, does involve cheating. The cheating was both emotional and physical (sex 1x), and occurred less than a year prior to the engagement. It eventually was seen as a "mistake" and never revealed... Wondering what the long-term potential consequences might be here. Just wanting different perspectives...

[FoxCash]

If the roles were reversed and your spouse was hiding something to you, lying about it, and decided to make a decision for you based up on that you may be better not knowing, how would you feel?

The truth always finds a way of coming to surface. How comfortable are you going to feel always wondering if your spouse will find out and worse by some other way and not you?

How can you build a stronger and working marriage if you keep things this significant from your spouse?

[AaronRowe]

I just had my partner of 18 months whom I knew had a drug problem at the beginning of our relationship, tell me 3 weeks ago that she has been lying to me about her drug problem and hiding it from me for the past 6-12 months. It hurt's like hell, she asked me not to call her or message her. It's been 3 weeks but I'm doing OK, trying to keep myself busy.

In regards to you Aniuska, you want peoples opinion? My opinion is, if your committing yourself to this person, you should be honest with him/her. If you plan to have this guilt eat away at you for the remainder of your time together, then don't tell your partner. If you would like to lead a clear conscious then tell them, it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But, if it was meant to be, it will still be.


I'll add that you may not have done the right thing in the past for whatever reason, but we are ALL human. We all make mistakes, coming to terms with them, realizing them and be honest with them is apart of learning. I hope that if you choose to be open with your partner about it, he with time hopefully accepts what has happened and appreciates how hard it would have been to tell him. We must always think about having the shoe on the other foot in situations like this, both yourself, and your partner.

[talaniman]

Long term? Look how it affects you now. Since you are afraid to tell of it, since its so long ago, and you haven't forgiven yourself. I would say it will eat away at you until the issue is resolved, because despite your excuses to spare him hurt, all nothing but justifying bad behavior by the way, its you who are paying the price.

[redhed35]

Personnally cheating is a deal breaker for me.

A slip up,just one time,a big mistake,for me it amounts up to the same thing,and I would walk,away from the relationship and away from the marriage if I found out after the fact.

For me,the marriage would be a sham,as I would feel I had married someone who was not who I thought they were.

I have been married and divorced and I am getting married again next year,my perspective is said from experience and solid ground.

You have to live with the mistake and so does your spouse,except its unknown to them.

[Jake2008]

That was a lot of beating around the bush, and it turns out to be an affair aftterall, and that is quite significant.

Without knowing the detail, i.e. was this a former boyfriend, a total stranger, his brother, his best friend, the next door neighbour, a co-worker; did it happen after a night out with the girls after a drunken girls night at a bar, etc. I can only presume that the 'one time' sexual encounter, with or without a man you knew or didn't know, happened, just before you became engaged. You chose to cheat, however that story works out in the wash.

There is no way to accurately assess, or offer assistance based on no information.

You cheated, while in a relationship with a man that you eventually married, Also as I had said before, about telling a lie about shoes, is quite different than telling (and keeping) a lie about an affair.

You had an opportunity to tell him before your engagement, during your engagement, and every minute of every day since then, but you haven't.

Bottom line is, there are consequences for cheating. Either to yourself, with guilt, and wondering 'what if' and never telling him, or, telling him, and allowing the person who was cheated on, an opportunity to judge your actions as it relates to, and now affects, their life.

Nobody can judge what you should or shouldn't do, but you. I would guess that, if this is bothering you to the point where you need opinions on whether you should come clean, I would say that indicates that you would probably feel better with the truth on the table.

You are also risking that he will find out anyway, at some point in time.

[Sillygal]

Im wondering from your last post if it was you that did this, or whether you know that a friend etc did this. Your last post seems to indicate that it may not have been yourself.

Interesting question, as Im in the middle of something myself now where I know what has happened between my ex and his current "girlfriend" but her other boyfriend has no idea. The dilemma is to tell or not to tell.

In my own situation, I resolved not to tell as although I believe he deserves to know, and I also would want to know in that situation, I didn't think it was appropriate for me to get involved in someone else's relationship, and I wasn't the person who should be telling him the information - regardless of how bad it was/is. But that is just me, and it took a lot of thinking about how to handle - especially when I was contacted by the "Other" boyfriend questioning if I knew anything.

[Aniuska]

My opinion is, if your commiting yourself to this person, you should be honest with him/her. If you plan to have this guilt eat away at you for the remainder of your time together, then dont tell your partner. If you would like to lead a clear conscious then tell them, it will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But, if it was meant to be, it will still be.

Just wondering what folks thoughts are on how someone can really have a "clear conscious" breaking somebody else's heart? I understand the perspective of the importance of truth... but does it really take away the guilt and make one feel more respectable to watch someone's hopes and trust be completely shattered?

[talaniman]

How do you know they have a clear conscious? You certainly didn't. Hard to say what people are capable of, or what's really in there hearts, and why they do what they do.

Not something to dwell on, just deal with.

[Aniuska]

How do you know they have a clear conscious? You certainly didn't. Hard to say what people are capable of, or whats really in there hearts, and why they do what they do.

Not something to dwell on, just deal with.

You've missed my point and question...

[lifeistough75]

Aniuska,

I normally try to stay away from these sorts of "comparative" moral questions. Philosophers have been discussing these sorts of issues since Socrates. Here is my humble opinion(by the way formed based on Platoic view of morality): Honesty takes precendence over all other moral issues, because it is the foundation of most moral issues. A guilty conscious over breaking someone's heart is secondary to breaking and disorienting their reality due to dishonesty. In effect, you are taking away their choices in life, and making those decisions for them. Let them deal with the heart break.
More importantly, you sound extremely selfish, you are more worried about what you feel afterwards, rather than allowing the other person to make decisions based on clear, and transparent facts.
Also know this, sooner or later the truth will be out, that is the nature of truth vs. falsehood. The proverbial sun remains behind the clouds only for so long. You have a tough decision to make, but it is a clear one.