I've heard so often "I can't tell them I cheated on them b/c it would really hurt them." That seems so hypocritical to me. If the person was so concerned about "hurting" them, they probably wouldn't have cheated in the first place! Does anyone else agree that this line is simply a rationalization because a person doesn't want to go through the "hard work" inherent in being honest with someone?? Just seems to me like you're cheating yourself out of a truly intimate relationship by keeping secrets. Secrets = Zero Intimacy in my book... anyone else agree or disagree??

I agree; I feel as though when someone cannot assess responsibility of shameful actions it is more so in fear of their reputation than the other person. As you said, if they respected them in the first place it would not have occurred.

While I agree cheating is inherently a bad thing to do, I think it is hard for me to sit here and judge the circumstances that follow it. My last serious relationship is a good example. Neither me nor my girlfriend at the time EVER remotely cheated on each other. We were extremely in love with each other. She did tell me, however, that IF I ever cheated on her that she did NOT want to know. The pain would just be too much.

I have to wonder the same thing. If I'm married and very in love with my significant other would I want to know if my wife cheated on me? Not talking an emotional affair mind you, but just a one night stupid slip up.

While it is always easy to say yes, I can't be sure I'd say the same thing if I actually went through it. If I cheated on my partner, my reputation would be the last thing I'd worry about. When children, a house, and a marriage are on the line, things get a lot more complicated.

But why would you cheat on them in the first place if they were respected by you? "Slip-ups" do happen, but they don't just happen as far as I've seen. For that to happen you've had to have lost respect or interest in your partner somewhere along the line.

I always used to say I didn't want to know, but I was naïve. If someone is big enough to desintegrate the trust I've built with them, they better respect me enough to tell me and let me choose whether I want to continue the relationship. It doesn't seem fair that the person who betrays someone gets to choose how the one they betrayed will go on with the relationship.

I know these things happen every day, most are hidden because yes, it is very hard to admit something like that. Reality and what one believes are usually very different.

I would want to know, so I could fix myself to make my boyfriend not have to cheat to be satisfied and to work through it.
My boyfriend however, would not want to know. He's told me he wouldn't want to know.

So it depends on the circumstances


Did this happen to you?

So what you're saying is that if your boyfriend cheated on you, you consider it something about yourself you need to fix? Are you serious?

Yeah, basically. If he felt the need to cheat, then I'm not meeting his needs.

I don't even know how to respond to this other than laughing.

You are not required to "meet his needs." if you are treating him with respect, kindness, etc (basically the way you'd want to be treated) and he doesn't respect you for it, then he is not meeting YOUR needs.

If he feels you are not, he should be able to talk to you about it, not run around behind your back

I like you a lot EMOP but I don't think I've ever heard something as bass ackwards as this.

I would hope this isn't your mentality. You consider it your fault that the guy cheated on you (all hypothetical of course). Wouldn't you be mad at the guy for not having the courage to come to you and talk about his "needs" not being met instead of just going out and cheating?

It's my personal belief. Sorry if you don't agree with it or do not like it.

No it's okay. Very strange belief, I'll leave it at that.

I would be upset, yes. And that used to be my entire mentality, but over the past few months I've been changing.

Wow! I'm going through a little bit of a "bitter" phase (you might say), and am skeptical about relationships--b/c of my own experiences, and those of people around me-- but I don't think I would ever feel that if a guy cheats on me that it's my fault and that I'm the one that needs to change. I think it's ultra important to have communication in a relationship, and if there are any "unmet" needs or if something doesn't feel right, I would want the guy to be honest with me (and I know honesty isn't always easy), rather than disrespect me and himself by getting his needs met elsewhere. If it's not repairable, then I guess he's not the one for me... I dk. I just think cheating is a horrible betrayal, and I cannot understand how someone is capable of doing that to someone they love. And even worse, is lying to someone you love about huge things and furthering the commitment to someone while underneath knowing that the person is ignorant to ALL of the truth. I think it's really unfair. And as someone else stated, I wouldn't want someone else controlling what should be my decision to--as in, controlling whether I would want to remain in the relationship after a betrayal, or further the commitment in the relationship. Complicated! And that is why I was interested in people's thoughts...