[heartonsleeve]

I split up with my boyfriend over half a year ago. For the first 5 months following the split we continued to see each other, and it was almost as though our relationship was continuing. In fact, it was better because he didn't seem to be 'stressed' about things. Eventually though, I couldn't take the insecurity of the 'relationship' (we would see each other, then I wouldn't hear from him for a few days, then he would get in contact, and so on... ) so I told him to stop. And this time he did. I then found out from various sources he was seeing someone, but when I had asked him about there being someone else, he denied it or skirted around the question.
A couple of times in the last couple of months he has contacted me, and this has resulted in us sleeping together. The last time (and I mean the last time) we spent the day/night together. And then I found out he was going on holiday with his new girlfriend.
This girlfriend is someone he has known for years. Someone he used to work with, but then saw on a weekly basis (football).
It has made me massively analyse our whole relationship. Was he cheating on me the whole time? Was he just waiting for her to be single so he could make a move? How long had they been seeing each other? Why did he continue to see me and make so much effort if he was seeing someone else?

I can't stop myself from looking at her Facebook wall (it is public) and I can see his Twitter page. I can't stop looking and sometimes it upsets me. But I can't stop looking! This is ridiculous behaviour I know, and it is making me physically and mentally ill. I don't know what to do and feel like I am slipping into some kind of depression. He meant the world to me, and he repays me by overlapping me with someone else. I have never felt this low :(

[redhed35]

If you were still seeing each other and sleeping together for 6 months after the break up,in essence,you have only really been broken up for a about 4 weeks?

Would that be correct?

The only way,and I mean the only way to recover and heal and move on is no contact,at all from any source.

Your in pain,and it makes us do silly things,but now that you know,you can heal and move on,you can be more aware of your actions.

Now is the time for you,he cheated on her and cheated on you,he lied to you both and used you both.

She does not have the best deal by a mile,she has a cheater and a liar,you are free.

Get busy in your own life,make contact with friends and family,take the steps to heal.

[411Help]

Be glad you found out sooner than later. Notify him that you are aware of this other girl and that you're done. Leave, walk away, actually, no. RUN.

You deserve someone that will be honest with you, and I'm sorry to say, but he's not the one.

Delete him from Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, whatever it may be. You need to delete him from your life so you can start building a happier, healthier YOU, without all of this stress and anxiety he creates for you.

[talaniman]

Simple fact is you took six months to break up, six months to finally accept the truth, and six months and counting before you stop having any contact whatsoever. Start today and end this. Eventually, If you keep strict NO CONTACT, your wounds will heal, and it will get better.

[pandead]

I kept my ex blocked (but not deleted) on my instant messenger for a while so I could see when he was online and he wouldn't see me. One day, while I was at work, I just right clicked, took a deep breath and hit "delete."

Is he on right now? Who is he talking to? Why is he on? I'll never know - in a funny way, it made me realize I actually don't care. I felt light, free.

Do it. Don't look back. Go back to your own life and stop living his. You'll be surprised to see how good it feels!

[heartonsleeve]

Thank you for reading my 'story' and advising. Oh, he knows I am aware of his new girlfriend. I went a bit loopy when I found out he was going on holiday with her just a week after staying over with me, and I emailed her (I know, very silly move). Although she didn't reply, he knows what I did, and made out that I had lied, and was just 'jealous'. But I didn't lie, and it makes me sad that he was so quick to turn on me. Of course, it does indeed show me that he is not 'the one' as he had lead me to believe he was.
I just feel as though he has got away with it and is now happy, whilst I am sad.
There will no longer be any contact, of that I am sure. I changed my mobile number for this very reason. Getting infrequent booty calls whenever she was away or busy just made me feel cheap (yet I went along with it! Ridiculous I know!).

I feel so angry with myself for letting myself get used for so long. He must think I am such a mug. His new girlfriend was warned (I told her as nicely as I could, after all, I have no problem with her. She is the innocent party in all this, I think? ) but she has chosen to believe him. And I understand why she would.

Frustration is my main issue. FRustration that I didn't stand up for myself, frustration that I have become so weak and pathetic, and frustration that I didn't see the signs sooner.

I need to be strong and realise that people go through worse than this and time will heal me...

[pandead]

I went a bit loopy when I found out he was going on holiday with her just a week after staying over with me, and I emailed her (I know, very silly move).

Getting infrequent booty calls whenever she was away or busy just made me feel cheap (yet I went along with it! Ridiculous I know!).

I need to be strong and realise that people go through worse than this and time will heal me...

The first thing you should do is to forgive yourself. You must have read a few stories here, we all do stupid things when we are in state of shock and panic. It IS okay. The rest of your post speaks by itself : you know what you did wrong and you know what is left to do. This is a great start, now make sure you stick with the plan.

If you feel the urge to break NC or accidentally run into your ex (or anything that reminds you of him and makes you feel bad) reading the stickies can help you a lot. Good luck!

[silverlining]

Wow! It's a bit scary how similar your story is to my own!lol

I did the same... Kept in contact/ sleeping with my ex for a VERY long time after the break up.. this messed with my head to the point where I thought I went crazy for a while.. To him I made it seem like I was OK with it but I was doing it to hold on to him while he was because he is an a$$!

Every time I would look at his Facebook it would kill me.. He got a new girlfriend and was apparently 'in love' with her lol but still couldn't stop contacting me? This I took as him having feelings but now that I can see clearly it is just because he is an a$$! That wants his cake and wants to eat it too..

One day I said ENOUGH!! So I emailed his 'gf' and told her everything.. she believed me but I think they are still together.. lol and I actually understand why she believs his lies.. I did too..

But this was the last straw for me.. We had a massive argument where he was angry that I told her.. and maybe I should've walked away without saying anything but this was the only way to move on for me.. So I changed my number blocked/ deleted him on Facebook and haven't seen him since!

And to tell you the truth I am the happiest I have been in over 2 years! You can read my post if you like.. I now have an amazing boyfriend who is sooo much better than that loser I wasted so much time one..

And I really believe that for you to get to the a better place you have to go no contact all the way... I mean nothing!! Don't look at fb NOTHING! In time it will start fading and you will feel better.. Thats what happened when I did that anyway :)

[heartonsleeve]

wow! It's a bit scary how similar your story is to my own!lol

I did the same...Kept in contact/ sleeping with my ex for a VERY long time after the break up..this messed with my head to the point where i thought i went crazy for a while..To him i made it seem like i was ok with it but i was doing it to hold on to him while he was because he is an a$$!

Everytime i would look at his facebook it would kill me.. He got a new gf and was apparantly 'in love' with her lol but still couldn't stop contacting me? This i took as him having feelings but now that i can see clearly it is just because he is an a$$! that wants his cake and wants to eat it too..

One day i said ENOUGH!!!! so i emailed his 'gf' and told her everything..she believed me but i think they are still together..lol and i actually understand why she believs his lies..I did too..

But this was the last straw for me..We had a massive argument where he was angry that i told her..and maybe i should've walked away without saying anything but this was the only way to move on for me..So i changed my number blocked/ deleted him on facebook and havent seen him since!

And to tell you the truth i am the happiest i have been in over 2 years!! You can read my post if you like..I now have an amazing bf who is sooo much better than that loser i wasted so much time one..

And i really believe that for you to get to the a better place you have to go no contact all the way...I mean nothing!!! Dont look at fb NOTHING! In time it will start fading and you will feel better..Thats what happened when i did that anyway :)

Silverlining - it is almost like speaking to myself! That is virtually the same as my situation. Why are there some men out there that think it is OK to keep two women on the go, knowing full well that one is still in love with them? How do they sleep at night?
When he found out I had contacted his new girlfriend, he kept calling my mobile for about three hours non stop. I didn't answer. I had to text him to tell him to leave me alone and that this was his mess and to sort it out with her. I have no idea whether she believed me or not (he probably sweet talked her into thinking I was just jealous at finding out they were going on holiday. Which, was slightly true, but really I felt she needed to know what sort of a man she was getting involved in.) of course, they went on holiday together and she no doubt believed his lies. And that is what frustrates me!
I have so many texts (and picture texts - can you believe he had the nerve to send me rude pics of himself?) and have come close to letting her see them (via Bluebook) but I have decided against it. It has taken a LOT of inner strength to not do this, as I believe he should suffer for what he has done (I am not the only person he has 'overlapped' - apparently this is his pattern).

The main issue I have is that they were friends for years before. I wonder how much of our relationship was real? He used to tell me he loved me all the time, talked about moving in together, and even the name of our first child. But then almost overnight he changed. Was I just a stop gap whilst he waited for her to be single? GRRRRR I am trying not to think about all the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'.

Thank you for all the support and words of wisdom. X

[silverlining]

I kind of regret telling the girlfriend because it just caused drama and they actually broke up for a little while because she said to me that she had always had suspisions about me and him.. lol women's intuition I guess.. But I think he must have sweet talked her after because it seems she forgave him and they got back together.. And he went PSYCHO when he found out I told her blamed everything on me! When all I did was tell the truth..

Look back at it now I wish I had been strong enough to walk away without telling her and just dissapeard from his life. But my feelings were still strong and I was hurt and thought she should know what kind of a man he is!

Anyway I'm rambling hehe but it's the same with your ex.. She does not have a good man she has a liar and a cheater and he's done it once so what's stopping him from cheating again? It's her choice if she wants to stay in denial about this but you are better off without him!! Trust me :)

And with time you will meet someone who is amazing and this will be just a bad memory.. Let me know how things go!

[heartonsleeve]

It is so bizarre how very similar we both reacted to our situation and how we both knew contacting the innocent party was perhaps wrong, but needed to be done.
I certainly didn't want to upset her, but felt she should know what he was really like. I wish his ex had given me certain information (I have a feeling he overlapped me with her as well). But, people always believe what they want to believe. He would no doubt have sweet talked me into thinking "oh just ignore her, she's just jealous".

I think he will have learnt from his mistakes this time though. And because of his age, I truly believe he will actually think to himself, really its time I settled down like everyone else is around me.

And I will have been the last person he messed about. And that itself hurts. But I guess there is no point speculating. He isn't the man I thought he was/wanted him to be, and there ARE nicer men out there I am sure. I just hope I find the right one one day!

[heartonsleeve]

This website is really helping quite a lot. I feel I have exhausted my close friends' patience by sounding like a broken record (although known of them have actually said this, and in fact have been so supportive) and on this site, I have seen so many people going through similar situations, and feeling similar conflicting emotions. I know I am not alone.

My problem is that I just keep floating back and revisiting old memories; thinking "If only I had said this/done that" etc. I came so close to unblocking his new girlfriend on Facebook and having a look at her page. But I didn't. At the last second I stopped myself and thought "Why are you doing this? It won't change anything, it'll just hurt to see something you aren't meant to see".

It's strange how we can find it hard to let go of things that hurt us. I WILL get through this. People have been through worse. It's just sometimes hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[redhed35]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

There are some great stickies in the relationship forum.

This is one of my favourites,there's another by "i wish" and "ash".

Have a look when you get time,there is a wealth of tips and knowledge in those stickies.

[heartonsleeve]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

there are some great stickies in the relationship forum.

this is one of my favourites,theres another by "i wish" and "ash".

have a look when you get time,there is a wealth of tips and knowledge in those stickies.

I keep thinking I am weak and in some bizarre way, a bit of a sadomasochist, but it would appear I am reacting in a normal way.
Because of the way he cheated on me for so long, and abused my feeligns of love for him, I feel very very let down and inadequate. But if I think logically, I am free. He isn't a nice person, plain and simple.
His new girlfriend will currently be believing he is perfection, the way I did when we first met. Maybe, just maybe, he will have learnt from the error of his ways and will decide he can finally settle down having spent the best part of 15 years messing around with women's hearts and feelings.
Maybe I was the last one he hurt, and maybe he actually feels some guilt.
But I need to stop trying to find these little scraps of information about their new life together and stop trying to take it personally. I know the only thing wrong with me was that I didn't stand up for myself enough when he made me feel insecure, and that I ignored the signs that were staring me right in the face.
It is so easy to ignore the bad things in someone you truly believe you love!

[heartonsleeve]

Three months ago I finally discovered the truth about my ex. Although we had technically split up (his decision), we continued to see each other on an almost weekly basis, and would sleep together every time. The last time this happened, I discovered the day after that he had been seeing a girl for several months and they were going on holiday a week later. I warned her via email... she ignored me. They are still together and going strong.
NOW, the thing is, I have met someone. He is everything that 'man' wasn't - he calls me every night, we see each other every other day, he asks how I am, he makes time for me etc etc. He is pretty much perfect and he makes me happy!

BUT I just found myself coming very close to contact my ex's girlfriend and forwarding on the Word documents I had made containing the evidence of his infidelity towards her (Cut and pasted from my mobile phone online account - texts containing his mobile number, dates and times). I saw something on Facebook recently that made me so angry to think that he has got away with his awful behaviour. I WANT to ruin things for him.

WHY am I still letting him get to me? Why do I actively search these things out which I know will only upset me? Will I ever be able to truly let go? And more importantly, will he get away with it? His behaviour made me feel so low and inadequate. I hate him so much and I know hate is not a good emotion to feel all the time. I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about what he did to me for so long (6 months of abusing the fact he knew I was in love with him) and that his new girlfriend ignored my warning. I hate him :(

[Enigma1999]

Ok, I am going to sound harsh here, so I apologize upfront.

First of all, big mistake to continue to see each other and sleep together after a break up.

You let him have the best of both worlds. No commitment with sex.

Then your ex found another girl... Good for him, now bye bye.

Leave the other girl alone. Leave your ex boyfriend alone. Move on.

You are looking very desperate and clingy and it's NOT becoming at all.

He doesn't want you.

Wash your hands of this and move on.

Also, don't string this newbie around, unless you are certain that you care for him.

To tell you the truth, I think it is WAY to soon to start a new relationship. You need to heal.

[Devorameira]

Just leave him alone and delete all your "evidence". If he's indeed cheating on his current girlfriend, she will find out about it on her own... she doesn't need you telling her and probably wouldn't believe you anyway.

[Cat1864]

You have several 'whys' that come down to one answer: You haven't allowed yourself to heal and move on. You are still caught up in the hurt, anger and betrayal.

I don't know what you think he is 'getting away with'. You don't know what is going on in their relationship. You are projecting your hurt and disillusionment onto 'them'.

I am not sure your new 'relationship' isn't an emotional bandage covering a wound that isn't healing properly. IF you are still so caught up in what your ex is doing, perhaps you need to leave this relationship and work on healing and dumping the baggage you are still carrying around.

Instead of putting energy into getting back at the ex for moving on, put your energy into things that help you feel good about yourself.

[heartonsleeve]

It's when I spend too much time on my own that my mind starts wandering and I think about what I let him do to me. The rest of the time I am happy! I am totally aware it must seem far too soon to start a relationship with someone else (in fact, he broke up with his ex only a month or so before meeting me). I am rather concerned it is massive rebound for BOTH of us BUT we have actually talked about this. And agreed to take things slowly because we really do like each other.
I have come off Facebook so I don't deliberately seek things out. I am getting a new phone soon therefore I won't have access to my 'evidence'. I am slowly getting on with my life and after all, it hasn't really been that long...

I wouldn't say I am desperate and clingy at all. Not any more. Yes I let him use me for sex for a very long time but now I have no desire to ever speak to him again. I just want him to pay for his nasty manipulative behaviour but really, it's out of my hands now.

[Enigma1999]

It's when I spend too much time on my own that my mind starts wandering and I think about what I let him do to me. The rest of the time I am happy! I am totally aware it must seem far too soon to start a relationship with someone else (in fact, he broke up with his ex only a month or so before meeting me). I am rather concerned it is massive rebound for BOTH of us BUT we have actually talked about this. And agreed to take things slowly because we really do like eachother.
I have come off Facebook so I don't deliberately seek things out. I am getting a new phone soon therefore I wont have access to my 'evidence'. I am slowly getting on with my life and after all, it hasn't really been that long....

I wouldn't say I am desperate and clingy at all. Not any more. Yes I let him use me for sex for a very long time but now I have no desire to ever speak to him again. I just want him to pay for his nasty manipulative behaviour but really, it's out of my hands now.

This is all good. It sounds as if you are taking steps to helping YOU out.

I would continue to do these things...

It's also very good that you two are taking things slowly. The last thing that you both want is to use each other as a rebound. So play it smart and take your time.

I wish you luck.