Why do I go out of my way to upset myself?
I split up with my boyfriend over half a year ago. For the first 5 months following the split we continued to see each other, and it was almost as though our relationship was continuing. In fact, it was better because he didn't seem to be 'stressed' about things. Eventually though, I couldn't take the insecurity of the 'relationship' (we would see each other, then I wouldn't hear from him for a few days, then he would get in contact, and so on... ) so I told him to stop. And this time he did. I then found out from various sources he was seeing someone, but when I had asked him about there being someone else, he denied it or skirted around the question.
A couple of times in the last couple of months he has contacted me, and this has resulted in us sleeping together. The last time (and I mean the last time) we spent the day/night together. And then I found out he was going on holiday with his new girlfriend.
This girlfriend is someone he has known for years. Someone he used to work with, but then saw on a weekly basis (football).
It has made me massively analyse our whole relationship. Was he cheating on me the whole time? Was he just waiting for her to be single so he could make a move? How long had they been seeing each other? Why did he continue to see me and make so much effort if he was seeing someone else?
I can't stop myself from looking at her Facebook wall (it is public) and I can see his Twitter page. I can't stop looking and sometimes it upsets me. But I can't stop looking! This is ridiculous behaviour I know, and it is making me physically and mentally ill. I don't know what to do and feel like I am slipping into some kind of depression. He meant the world to me, and he repays me by overlapping me with someone else. I have never felt this low :(
3 months on... Am I really coping though?
Three months ago I finally discovered the truth about my ex. Although we had technically split up (his decision), we continued to see each other on an almost weekly basis, and would sleep together every time. The last time this happened, I discovered the day after that he had been seeing a girl for several months and they were going on holiday a week later. I warned her via email... she ignored me. They are still together and going strong.
NOW, the thing is, I have met someone. He is everything that 'man' wasn't - he calls me every night, we see each other every other day, he asks how I am, he makes time for me etc etc. He is pretty much perfect and he makes me happy!
BUT I just found myself coming very close to contact my ex's girlfriend and forwarding on the Word documents I had made containing the evidence of his infidelity towards her (Cut and pasted from my mobile phone online account - texts containing his mobile number, dates and times). I saw something on Facebook recently that made me so angry to think that he has got away with his awful behaviour. I WANT to ruin things for him.
WHY am I still letting him get to me? Why do I actively search these things out which I know will only upset me? Will I ever be able to truly let go? And more importantly, will he get away with it? His behaviour made me feel so low and inadequate. I hate him so much and I know hate is not a good emotion to feel all the time. I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about what he did to me for so long (6 months of abusing the fact he knew I was in love with him) and that his new girlfriend ignored my warning. I hate him :(