[adam67838]

My wife and I got married 8 months ago, we have 2 children together (boy of 6 and girl of 2), and have been together 7 1/2 years. Within weeks of our wedding, she began expressing doubts about whether she loved me. We talked and worked things through and things improved for a few months or so. She even said she really did love me and it felt like the world had been lifted off her shoulders now that things were back on track.

Unfortunately things got worse again, and she said she really didn't love me or want to spend her life with me. At first things were very difficult and she moved into the spare room. After a while though, things became more comfortable and she moved back in. She's very adamant though, that she doesn't see us having a future together and sooner or later we'll split as we're living a lie.

However we continue to get on pretty well, we're even returning to our honeymoon destination on our anniversary (her idea). From the outside you wouldn't know there was anything wrong as we get on fine and spend good time together as friends. She just seems unable to have any physical contact or offer any hope that we can work things out, but on the other hand talks freely about things like what we'll be doing as a family next Thanksgiving as if we'll still be together in the long run.

I think she's got deep rooted issues she needs to deal with outside of the marriage but she refuses to go to counseling as she doesn't see the point. Reading back my post its obvious she's very confused but she's so black and white on the rare occasions we talk about it. Her mother tells me to listen to what she does not says, but its difficult and very painful to continue this way. Not sure what advice people can offer but if there's any wives out there going through what she seems to be, I'd be grateful to hear your views on what I can try to do to rekindle things, other than giving her space and time.

Thanks, Adam.

[talaniman]

I'm afraid she needs to talk to a professional as her issues sound pretty deep. If she won't get help maybe YOU can benefit from some sort of counseling

[Allheart]

Hi Adam,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You may not even feel or realize what all of this is doing to you as well, as you are so immersed in the situation. From an outsider, reading your post, this must be so very difficult for you.

Adam, you had asked what you can do to rekindle things. But, actually, as Tal stated, she really needs to seek some sort of counseling. You stated that she refuses counseling. Does she say why? Are there things from her past that would perhaps contribute to her current behaviour? Meaning, has she suffered any kind of trama, such as abuse? I ask this as there may be some deep seeded issues within her, that have nothing to do with you, that she has not worked through.

How would you feel about going to counseling on your own? Letting your wife know that you want your marriage to work and want it to be healthy and you hope that she joins you, but is she chooses not to, you still wish to go to see if there is a way to help sort out these issues, as it is that important to you. Plus, it would be good for you to go as well, as this has to have taken some emotional toll on you.

You may want to have this conversation with your wife. Letting her know that you wish to seek professional advice (that is, if you want to). Adam, this is putting a heck of a burden on you thinking that you alone can do things to make her come around. I think the difficulties lie deep within her and she may not even realize it. By you trying to stand on you head, making her happy again, may deflect her attention off the things that she needs to work on.

I truly hope things work out for you. Just continue to try and be loving and as patient as possible. But also it is important that you don't get damaged in the process. There may be great hope for the both of you, but you won't know that until the root of her difficulties is discovered and then healed.

My very best to you and please stay in touch.

Allheart

[adam67838]

Talinaman/Allheart,

Many thanks for your replies. They're much appreciated. Things have just gotten really bad between us but the argument that kicked it off it at least persuaded her she does need to go to counseling which she has just started on her own. I'd been myself alone but there ain't a whole lot you can get done on your own. It takes two to tango. Hopefully we'll go together in the future, I'm hoping so, I'll keep you posted.

Adam

[ordinaryguy]

I'm glad to hear things are off dead-center and moving for you. As hard as progress is, it sure beats being stuck, in my book.

[wa0101]

talinaman/Allheart,

Many thanks for your replies. They're much appreciated. Things have just gotten really bad between us but the argument that kicked it off it at least persuaded her she does need to go to counseling which she has just started on her own. I'd been myself alone but there ain't a whole lot you can get done on your own. It takes two to tango. Hopefully we'll go together in the future, I'm hoping so, I'll keep you posted.

Adam

Hi Adam,

How has everything going for you. I am in a similar situation where my wife has many deep rooted issues. She knows about her issues and may start counseling but on her own but not as a couple which would have been my preference. I just wanted to know how things are going for you and possible take some advice on any success you may have.

Thanks,

Wes

[Cat1864]

Hi Adam,

How has everything going for you. I am in a similar situation where my wife has many deep rooted issues. She knows about her issues and may start counseling but on her own but not as a couple which would have been my preference. I just wanted to know how things are going for you and possible take some advice on any success you may have.

Thanks,

Wes

Wes, since Adam hasn't been back since he posted in 2007, I don't think you are going to get an answer on how things are going for him.

If you need or want advice, please, start your own thread. That way we can give you the advice that is right for your situation.