[pandead]

Threads merged and edited

Hello Help Desk,



Last summer, after I left everything to move back to my parents' house to save money and move in with him later, he cheated on me and left me, then took me back and sent me a plane ticket so I could stay with him and meet his family for a few months. Which I did - and it was perfect... A few weeks after I came back, he told me it's not working, that it will take too long for me to save money here and move overseas for good, even though my parents offered nicely to sell our family car and whatever they can to lend me the money I need to move and settle there with him.

Later, I learned that his mother was the one who convinced him that I wouldn't be able to find a job and he'd have to pay for both of us, that we are too different, etc. etc. (I only have a Master's Degree, after all!)

Long story short, we got back together for the last time. After the happiness of the first days gone, he started to be his old self again, ignoring me all the time, treating me like crap... So I decided to give him one week in my head. I had a conversation with him and told him he was about to cross the line, that my patience has limits, but he didn't seem to understand.

During that week, I didn't call or text him unless he texted me... Surprisingly (!) he sent me maybe 1 message/day, sometimes even less. At the end of the week I talked to him and told him that I'm done. Because I was. First he was mad, he told me that I was mean, then he cried, hung up on me, then wrote an apology email. I blocked and deleted him from everywhere as well as his family and friends. He sent me one last email from another adress last week and told me everything I needed to hear : that he deserved it and took me for granted, wished me a lot of happiness with someone who deserves me etc.


So I talked to him. Told him I'm sorry, he said he understood (sounds like a healthy break-up... too healthy?) The next thing I know is him buying a plane ticket to fly here for 1 day. It's a 20 hour flight. He told his friend he's bringing a ring. I begged him to cancel his ticket, told him I didn't want to be with him, but he said that I owe him a breakup in person at least. Now I'm just confused...

What am I supposed to do after such a display of affection? I don't think I can forget what he put me through last year -- should I? He says he's changed and he can prove by committing, should I believe him?

I hear a lot of stories about men realizing they are ready after a break-up. Do you think it's one of them or am I just being stupid?

[justcurious55]

Sounds more like you're his doormat than his girlfriend. He has you when he wants you and discards you when it's convenient for him. Stop contacting him, even when he contacts you. You have nothing to apologize to him for. When things are over, its best to just move on and every time you call or message him back, it's just dragging things on.

[talaniman]

Well you have allowed yourself to be sucked back into his influence with very little proof of his change of feelings or behavior, and it would be foolish now to take his word for anything on so flimsy facts other than his word, and a ring.

Let us not forget that you have changed your mind about being courted by him, given his actions before, and now all of a sudden, the right words makes you buy him a ticket that you now regret. Well he is coming, and you better deal with him a lot better than the first two times you broke up. Don't be so easily taken by smooth words or a ring, as commitment means nothing if his so called change is but a temporary one, designed to hook you back in.

That's as fair a warning as I can give you, since you seem to be following your heart, and not your head.

Good Luck with that.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yep, so he wants to put money out, Thus the issue when it should be no contact, if you had not opened his email, had not sent him a message you would be further on the way to healing, now you open old wounds and have to start the hurt all over again when it starts to break up again

[pandead]

Thank you for your comments, and thanks to moderators for merging these. (By the way, the edited parts were just playfully said, I apologize if anyone is offended. Let's just say english isn't my native language - it's not even my second so, sorry again.)

Well here is the thing : I'm getting back everything I lost during those 3 years I spent with him and even more. I got my driver's licence -finally- have my job interviews lined up, lost about 30 pounds of the 40 I gained when I was with him. Got used to go to the gym (I signed up after I read the posts here and never stopped going) or have fun with friends, even been flirting a little bit lately... :p

Talaniman, I didn't buy anything at all actually. And yes, I am following my heart. And my heart tells me to stay away from him. My head is the one making me wonder if he still deserves a chance or if I'm being too cruel.

Chuck, when I read your comment I asked myself what wound I can be opening and it made me realize that my problem is probably not still being in love with him. I feel like handling the whole "ring" situation is harder for me right now.

I feel much better and even though sometimes I miss him, I didn't miss him enough to call him and ask him to take me back like I used to do before. Mainly because I'm the one initiating the break-up, I think I reached my limit and I'm not hurting about it...

It feels so weird because I'm used to hurt all the time, and I kept asking myself "why now", why not when I'd walk through fire for him and give him anything he needs? That feeling lead me to write all this, after all I've been through, should I even consider? I think the answer is clear.

He realized. It's too late. I just wish they could teach these things in movies... I feel lighter, happier in some way because I'm more confident about myself and the way I manage my life. I'm just scared he will make me feel guilty about saying no (I know he will) or accuse me, blame me, I really don't know. All I know is that I want to marry someone who won't do what he did. Ever.

I always thought I would die without him and surprise, I am alive. And I am happy. To be honest, I could be friends with him right now and nothing more than friends, because I think I lost the thing -which was the reason why I answered his email in the first place, but it got out of control... I guess it's not the right time for that and it will probably never be. Now I have to figure out how to say no without crushing him and avoid the "I came here to propose to you and you say no" talk... :confused:

[talaniman]

That sounds good to hear, and thank you for coming back setting the record straight. I think you are on a good healthy path, and hope it continues.

Never feel guilty about making good decisions for yourself, nor let someone make you feel you should feel guilt.

[pandead]

(My post might be related to another post I just saw here so feel free to merge if needed.)

It's been almost a year now that I've been struggling with a horrible breakup (and make up, then breakup again... twice) I was getting used to be the doormat when I met that guy. We "knew" each other for a year and he was one of those "friends" on Facebook that you never really talk to, the ones who comment on your status every once in a while.

I discovered an amazing person. He is funny, incredibly mature, smart and he has that power to push me like no one ever did before. One day my heart skipped a beat when he came online and as much as I tried to deny it, I knew I felt something.

He made it clear a few days after that, he told me he "really likes me" and cares about me a lot. We decided to meet but I felt like I wasn't ready so I couldn't. He said he won't ask me anything more than what I'm giving him, my company.

I learned that he had a 6 year relationship and he's been single for another a few years now. They lived together and she cheated on him. We decided to be honest since the beginning and I never hid anything from him. Looks like a good start, huh?

Here comes the tricky part:


1. I don't feel any physical attraction for him. It's one of the reasons I don't want to see him in person, I'm scared I will be disappointed. He had several one night stands after his breakup but he said it himself, that "he let himself go over the years", not having a real relationship. We talk about everything and as shallow as it sounds, I told him it was bothering me. I could tell it crushed his heart but he said he would ask himself to get back in shape too and said he will do the best he can.

2. I have to deal with his insecurities due to his appearance and his past. This includes jealousy, clingyness, questions etc.

So my question is... he had years to get over his breakup and now he is ready for a relationship. I'm just getting over a devastating experience of 3 years with a broken engagement, lies, cheating, the whole package. Am I not ready to date? It feels weird to tell someone the same things I told my ex only a few months (weeks?) ago or make plans... Is it normal? Will I get over the lack of pyhsical attraction or is it how things will be?

I really want to be with him but these things almost drive me back to my ex sometimes. He is the exact opposite of my ex in every way : he is caring, nice, sweet, mature and able to take decisions by himself, but on the other hand, he is clingy, impulsive, has no real "life plan" (meaning a solid roof and a stable job) and tends to put all this on my shoulders... All added to the physical part, I'm confused. I feel like it's karma or whatever you want to call it, that I meet someone I like who treats me like I treated my ex, being caring but extremely needy - and we are NOT even in a relationship... I broke NC once already and sent an email to my ex saying I miss him, then felt horrible.

I cry every day and I don't know why, I was doing pretty good and now I feel like I'm back to the first weeks of my breakup, that it's not going to work with anyone else... Would it be what they call a "rebound"? Because if it is, I don't want that.

Hope it wasn't too long, any help is appreciated.

[Wondergirl]

You haven't given yourself time to heal from the previous relationship, so, yes, this will be a rebound. Plus, you said you don't even want to meet him in person. Is that all about him -- or is it saying something about you?

My suggestion is to be friends with him, get to know each other, have fun, maybe eventually meet for lunch or coffee and dessert -- but no hurry. BOTH of you need to do some serious work on yourselves before there can be a romantic relationship. Is each of you open to seeing a counselor and doing some serious and very difficult work?

If you are over 65 -- no, there's not much time, so get moving.

If you are under 50, take your time and do this right. If anything, you will be ready when another frog comes along and wants a kiss.

[pandead]

Thanks, that's pretty much what I was thinking, I told him I need some "single time" but I'm not sure if he got it. I'm trying to help him as much as I can with his issues but I can't really carry anyone without getting my life in order first. That sounds like the classic "it's not you it's me" speech so I didn't want to say it, even if it's true. We are 26 and 29, so I guess there's still hope.

I think I just want that old relationship to stop haunting me (even mods merge my post with the old one about my ex!) and I want to move on, run away from him as fast as I can because the feeling isn't going away as I expected it to.


I went to the gym. Baked cakes with my grandma. Went ice skating. Got drunk with friends and sang in the streets. Tried needlework. Played video games. Made videos. Looked for apartments in Australia in case I want to move there one day. I tried everything. Talking to that man was the most relaxing one. But then one day, I just stood here in my room and it hit me. Was I faking? Probably. Am I still faking? Maybe. Is it still hurting? Yes. A lot.

It's been 11 months since all this started.
I am exhausted.

[Wondergirl]

Was I faking? Probably. Am I still faking? Maybe. Is it still hurting? Yes. A lot.

It's been 11 months since all this started.
I am exhausted.

Time to stop running away. Time to face it head-on. Time for a counselor. Since we don't live near each other, you're going to have to find someone else. I'm here to help with that if needs be.

Whaddya think?

[talaniman]

You still have much healing to do, and frankly you may have been moving to fast to replace the hole in your soul. Actually, that's something we all have to deal with, as we try to get beyond our own hurt. Give yourself a break why dontcha. Look at what you have been through for two years, and then having to adjust to the dramatic changes in your life and routine. It's a lot, and you have done a lot of work so far. But you have more to do, so rest up emotionally, and get back in the grove of rebuilding. HOW? No dating, no looking to replace the love and romance, but get a very solid social life. Focus on creative ways to challenge yourself. Like volunteering somewhere that allows you to see how very valuable you are to someone in need, who can do for themselves, and follow that with activities that challenge you as well, like a class, or learning and mastering a new skill.

I think your main problem is dealing with the issues of another, who needs more than you have to give right now.

Is it normal? Will I get over the lack of physical attraction or is it how things will be?

It only seems that way now, but that will change as you get further along in YOUR own program, and leave his alone. Its like a second break up, if you think about it. No wonder you're exhausted emotionally, he drained you. Be patient, and give yourself some time.

[pandead]

It's so ironic, I read every single post since my very first one on this thread. I just realized I kept coming back with the same problem (you guys are so patient) just dealing with it a little better every time.

I took your advice and told everyone that I need some alone time. For my ex, it's been plain, simple. I wrote an email while he was sleeping and blocked/deleted what's left from him before he could wake up. I deleted all his old emails, too. I copied all the videos, documents, pictures on a DVD and put it in a box with his shirts, the sketchbooks with my drawings and everythings else I kept. The box is going to my grandma's attic this weekend.

I had a very heated conversation with my "friend" this morning and told him I can't be anything but his friend, at least for the moment. He said he understands and that I'm not ready. We will keep talking every once in a while, avoid that subject as much as we can.

I am staying away from social life for the moment. I know I should try to get out of my bed, but it feels comfy. I decided to do it slowly, because -obviously- when I try to do it too fast it doesn't work. I was a project manager for art galleries for a while so I will start writing projects again and when I'm ready, I will take them to related places. It makes me stay at home for a bit but still be "in contact" with the "real world"... and I have to admit, my brain didn't really have to work except for video games lately.

What do you think? Is this acceptable as a beginning, or should I force myself to call my friends and go out every day? A friend once said "fake it 'til you make it"... Is it true?

[Wondergirl]

What do you think? Is this acceptable as a beginning, or should I force myself to call my friends and go out every day? A friend once said "fake it 'til you make it"... Is it true?

It sounds like you are beginning to know yourself well enough to assess what you need right now. I'll trust you are doing the right thing. (Bed does sound nice -- just like when I'm sick or upset, I crawl into a cave and pull a rock across the opening.)

You are a fantastic writer and very well-spoken in how you express yourself. I'm rarely impressed, but you managed to impress me. My money is on you for winning this!

[pandead]

8th day and NC is going pretty well, much better than expected actually. Except for a few times where a song or a picture of us unexpectedly appeared on my computer/ipod, I didn't really have any bad moments, I've been going out much more than what thought I would, etc.

I'm staying away from other guys, it's so weird how all your male friends call you more often when you're alone and "be there if you want to talk about it over dinner"... The only one who is really sincere is that "friend" I was talking about before, but I'm still not ready to see him so we just talk and in a weird way, give each other the courage and energy to do things we wouldn't think we were capable of, which is a good thing for me.

It's amazing what a poisoning ex can do to get a hold of you though... My ex found me last night on a messenger I didn't think he knew and although I deleted him, looks like I forgot to block him from 2 of them so the whole time I thought he was blocked, he saw me online. He talked to me for a few minutes and I answered politely, as advised here before. Not giving any details, just kept in mind what someone said once, treating him like I treat my aunt. After a few minutes, he said something about his job and I didn't answer. I waited a few more minutes and just logged off, without saying anything.

I don't feel guilty like I usually do, I don't feel like I broke NC (did I?) as he messaged me now, I was able to block him but I don't know what to do, he confused me. He's there, trying to reach out for me, and he wants me to notice... maybe he's just "checking", am I over-analyzing? I don't even think he wants to get back together, why is he doing this? Was my reaction right or should I just tell him not to talk to me anymore? (at some point, I said "how did you find me?" he answered "well, I logged on and you were online"... did he get the hint or should I just ignore it when he says "hi" the next time?)

Thank you.

[redhed35]

I read your whole thread start to finish,that's quite a roller coaster ride you have been on,now it sounds like you just got off the roller coaster,you're a bit dizzy and a bit sick,but you know you going to be all right.

This guy cut you badly,and it takes time and those damn scars can ache sometimes,but your learning from the experience,you learning about yourself in a way you could not have done without this experience.

As for the ex popping in and out,that's like sticking a pin into that scar,stop emotionally self harming,you don't need to hear from him,he does not need to hear from you.

Whether you broke nc or not does not matter,you stuck your toe in the water,and yes,it still hurts and makes you overthink it,so don't do again!

He does not give a flying monkeys about you or the damage he caused.

He does not want what you have to offer,and you regaining your power is attractive,your starting to heal and rebuild,let in into your life via email or down the chimney,he'll break you again.

Once that's in you head,self perversation,heart,mind,body and soul.

Keep building on the work you have already begun.

[Wondergirl]

He's there, trying to reach out for me, and he wants me to notice... maybe he's just "checking", am I over-analyzing? I don't even think he wants to get back together, why is he doing this?

I've been on both sides of this kind of thing--the dumper and the dumpee. He desperately wants you to "remember" him and think well of him. He's just checking to make sure you know he exists and you don't "hate" him. DON'T FALL FOR IT!!

[pandead]

Thanks for taking the time to answer... I'm quite new to this feeling (I don't want him back... what happened to me?! :p) when I read my first posts I want to bang my head against a wall... You are right, sometimes I don't really know how to feel but thanks to these pages of advice here (I saw a few stories similar to mine, too) I know pretty much how I can deal with it.

Yes, I do "feel dizzy", between breakups, divorces, marriage proposals, international moving, 20 hour flights back and forth... waking up and dancing while I put on my make-up doesn't feel right sometimes. I should be in my bed watching The Notebook for the 9th time and crying, but I'm not.

As for breaking NC, I was just wondering because it became one of the things I base my life on right now. NC and my "to do" list are the things that make me get out of my bed and feel stronger every day so I was really hoping you wouldn't say that I'm back to day #1...

I don't see why he'd care about me remembering him or hating him (I could care less if he hates me or forgets me, I didn't even ask him to send my clothes/books this time) so I thought there would be another reason... After I read your answers I decided not thinking about it is probably the best answer. He keeps trying to initiate contact with me for some weird reason and "meh, whatever" seems like the answer to all my questions right now...

Just wanted to make sure if I'm doing the right thing because I don't ever want to feel like I did again, so I get scared whenever he finds me.
And thank you all for being so patient :o

[friend4u178]

Just remember this and it may help you to stay on NC better.

Every time you answer his attempts at contact , it makes HIM feel better , because he then knows he still has some sort of hold on you.

Stuff him , that's what I say ;)

[Homegirl 50]

He is probably curious, wants to see if he still has a hold on you, if you still remember him. Sounds like a selfish prig to me.
Ignore him, he will get the message.

Remember this: the first time you are hurt by someone you're a victim. Any subsequent times, you have volunteered.
Unless you just have a thing for pain, don't volunteer for it.
I wish you well.

[Just Dahlia]

Thanks for taking the time to answer... I'm quite new to this feeling (I don't want him back... what happened to me?!! :p) when I read my first posts I want to bang my head against a wall... You are right, sometimes I don't really know how to feel but thanks to these pages of advice here (I saw a few stories similar to mine, too) I know pretty much how I can deal with it.

Yes, I do "feel dizzy", between breakups, divorces, marriage proposals, international moving, 20 hour flights back and forth... waking up and dancing while i put on my make-up doesn't feel right sometimes. I should be in my bed watching The Notebook for the 9th time and crying, but I'm not.

As for breaking NC, I was just wondering because it became one of the things I base my life on right now. NC and my "to do" list are the things that make me get out of my bed and feel stronger every day so I was really hoping you wouldn't say that I'm back to day #1...

I don't see why he'd care about me remembering him or hating him (I could care less if he hates me or forgets me, I didn't even ask him to send my clothes/books this time) so I thought there would be another reason... After I read your answers I decided not thinking about it is probably the best answer. He keeps trying to initiate contact with me for some weird reason and "meh, whatever" seems like the answer to all my questions right now...

Just wanted to make sure if I'm doing the right thing because I don't ever want to feel like I did again, so I get scared whenever he finds me.
And thank you all for being so patient :o

You are doing good:D