[deer5]

My girlfriend is contemplating stopping having sex in our relationship. She claims this is due to guilt about extramarital sex (which she claims she's had since we began having sex, yet continued to do so). I love her (and show her this), and I don't use that term loosely, but I feel sex I such an important part of a relationship. My thought is that I should only accept temporary abstinence if she agrees to work this issue out in (her own, presumably?) therapy.

Obviously I'm posting here to get some feedback/thoughts on this. Thanks!

Addendum: I should also note that from the start of our exclusive relationship I kindly made it clear that I would not be in an exclusive sexless relationship.

[talaniman]

How long do you expect to get free milk without buying the cow??

How old are you and how long has this relationship been going on? Where is this thing headed?

Off hand, I think that's what she wants to know. And I seriously doubt therapy will make her get over guilt of having extramarital sex.

If you aren't living together why in the world is sex a condition for dating? She doesn't need therapy, you do, as you obviously think your entitled to use her body, and what does she get, besides being used for sex?

[positiveparent]

Can you elaborate on your remark about extra marital sex, because this would imply one of you is either married or was married.

Perhaps you meant to say pre marital sex.

[positiveparent]

Sex is not an automatic right in a relationship, it's a bonus, and shouldn't be your top priority.

Every woman has the right to say no, and if a woman feels she's obligated to having sex then that's going to put her off it faster than you can blink, its to be mutually agreed too, you cannot demand it.

I agree with the first reply here.

[deer5]

Can you elaborate on your remark about extra marital sex, because this would imply one of you is either married or was married.

Perhaps you meant to say pre marital sex.

I simply meant sex without being married. Neither of us is or has been married.

Sex is not an automatic right in a relationship, its an added bonus, and shouldnt be your top priority.

Every woman has the right to say no, and if a woman feels shes obligated to having sex then thats going to put her off it faster than you can blink, its to be mutually agreed too, you cannot demand it.

I agree with the first reply here.

I understand sex is not an automatic right or even a top priority. But in an exclusive, loving relationship, it is A priority to me.

[parisrose]

It depends if you think you can handle it. You have both already had sex so it will be a little awkward and very tempting now. How long down the road will it be before you'd consider getting married? It's a test of self control, maybe see how it goes. If you can't handle it then move on.

[positiveparent]

I understand sex is not an automatic right or even a top priority. But in an exclusive, loving relationship, it is A priority to me.

Then I would say you need to ease the pressure off your g/f because believe me there is nothing worse than feeling obliged or expected to have sex, it can kill any loving feelings faster than blinking, it takes away the spontaneity of it all, and if you put someone in the position where they feel they're expected then they just go the opposite way as a rule.

It won't hurt you to go without sex for a while, perhaps if you did your g/f would stop feeling pressured and her sex drive would return.

I guess it all depends on how much you value the relationship.

After all is she a g/f or a convenient orifice, sorry to be blunt, but I think its something you need to consider. Jmo

[sillygoose]

If you love your girlfriend then you would respect what she wants. She might of carried on even though she felt guilty because she felt like she had to. You can have a good strong relationship without having to have sex

[Devorameira]

How long have you been dating?

I'm going to be blunt - if I were dating someone who told me that he wouldn't date me unless I had sex with him then I'd tell him to get lost. I get a feeling that you pressured her into having sex in the first place against her better judgement.

You have shown that you don't have any respect for her decisions and are only thinking about yourself, so it sounds to me like you'd be wise to break it off with her.

It's obvious that you resent her not wanting to have sex with you, and since she's feeling bad about it, why torture yourself?

[deer5]

How long do you expect to get free milk without buying the cow???

How old are you and how long has this relationship been going on? Where is this thing headed?

Off hand, I think thats what she wants to know. And I seriously doubt therapy will make her get over guilt of having extramarital sex.

If you aren't living together why in the world is sex a condition for dating?? She doesn't need therapy, you do, as you obviously think your entitled to use her body, and what does she get, besides being used for sex?

Perhaps I could have phrased my question better asking "Should I stay with my girlfriend under these circumstances"?". And thank you for your thoughts that off hand you think that she wants to know where the relationship is headed. I never said sex was a condition for dating, that I believe I'm entitled to her body, etc.. Such assumptions are incorrect and inflammatory.

[QLP]

Addendum: I should also note that from the start of our exclusive relationship I kindly made it clear that I would not be in an exclusive sexless relationship.

That sounds like you did say sex was a prerequisite for the relationship. I don't think you can accuse people of making inflammatory accusations when they are going on words you have used yourself.

[talaniman]

How long has this relationship been exclusive? How long had you been dating before? I assume she was NOT a virgin, though I suspect she may have been. The reason these details are crucial is to gauge how long she has been under your rules. I think its more than possible she wants to know if it's the sex that keeps you around, or the use of her body.

No matter how kindly you gave her this condition, I can certainly see her being guilty, and doing it to keep you. That you think she needs therapy is down right crazy.

Either way, you give her what she ask for, as she gave you what you asks for, so she will know that its not her body that keeps you coming back.

I never said sex was a condition for dating, that I believe I'm entitled to her body, etc.. Such assumptions are incorrect and inflammatory.

Not for dating maybe, but for being exclusive.

Originally Posted by deer5
Addendum: I should also note that from the start of our exclusive relationship I kindly made it clear that I would not be in an exclusive sexless relationship.

That certainly is an entitlement for you to use her body, no two ways about it. It also cast doubt as to your intentions. Actually, she never should have given in to such an agreement, because if your words matched your actions, sex would never be a condition for an exclusive relationship, and even though she went along with it (dumb on her part) it comes off as BLACKMAIL.

That's why a few more answers to questions helps clarify your pupose, and intentions in this relationship. And we don't have to assume so much and be inflammatory. She doesn't seem to be able to stand up to you either, as I can't see a female going along with your program unless she was desperate.

Maybe that was inflammatory.

Talaniman Rule- Love the mind, the body will follow.

I like my women to come freely, and willingly without guilt, or regret. If I loved her I would understand her.

Ps I am sure you meant pre marital, NOT extra marital. Also a passive aggressive aproach to having sex, is NOT kind! Its manipulative.

[positiveparent]

Sorry Devorameira have to spread the rep, but your post is spot on, and I agree with it.

[jmjoseph]

I'd like to know how long you two have dated, please? And if you took her virginity?

Has she had a change of heart? Is she starting to realize that this is not the life she wants to lead? Or is she using sex as a weapon?

No matter what her reasons are, and no matter what she is looking for, if you truly cared about this woman, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. If she was the one for you, you would be willing to make such a sacrifice. And by her seeing you willing to be astinent for/with her, she would know that you are committed.

But I say no, you shouldn't wait for her. Only because if you are the type of person that felt the need to make your "pre-commitment sex deal", and if she is of the character that might consider this a "sin", then you need to let her go. Let her find someone with the same thoughts and principles, and you find a girl with your mindset.

[deer5]

That sounds like you did say sex was a prerequisite for the relationship. I don't think you can accuse people of making inflammatory accusations when they are going on words you have used yourself.

Dating and an exclusive relationship are not the same thing.

I'd like to know how long you two have dated, please? And if you took her virginity?

Has she had a change of heart? Is she starting to realize that this is not the life she wants to lead? Or is she using sex as a weapon?

No matter what her reasons are, and no matter what she is looking for, if you truly cared about this woman, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. If she was the one for you, you would be willing to make such a sacrifice. And by her seeing you willing to be astinent for/with her, she would know that you are committed.

But I say no, you shouldn't wait for her. Only because if you are the type of person that felt the need to make your "pre-commitment sex deal", and if she is of the character that might consider this a "sin", then you need to let her go. Let her find someone with the same thoughts and principles, and you find a girl with your mindset.

We've been in an exclusive relationship several months, and she was not a virgin when we met.

Yes this is a change of heart, or at least action. I don't know if this is using sex as a weapon. I wouldn't accuse her of that now. However, if as you state abstinence is a way for me to prove my commitment, then that I believe is using sex as a weapon or as a commodity.

[talaniman]

Maybe its her way of redefining, or re-evaluating this relationship, or finding something besides sex to base it on. You are right though, dating and being exclusive is two different things but neither should be conditional on sex.

It seems you had conditions to be exclusive, and now she may be wanting to level the playing field, for things to continue.

You have a right to say NO, or negotiate, and she has a right to take the best course of actions for herself. As do you, so talk, and communicate honestly, or this will never work anyway if you don't.

[TrueFaith]

Deer5

Im going to give you my advice here.. first when I read your question I thought, yeah its not an easy thing to do and I can understand your thoughts on this subject

But after reading some of your replys to the advice that was given

Seems to me you just want everyone to tell you that..

Don't stay with her if she don't put out.

Well that's not going to happen in fact you are the one that is looking more and more like the Axe in this relationship.

My advice.. if sex is a major thing for you.. which you said it was in a relationship
Then go out and find someone that will give it to you as much as you want it..

If you want a relationship with a bit more than just sex that has some substance to it, I recommend talking with her and doing this for her.
If this is something you can't do.. then break it off with her now, and end months of pain and waiting.

But enough of going round and round in Circular arguments with us.

Good advice has been given by lots of people here.
Take it or leave it.

[positiveparent]

It may be best if you and your g/f go your own separate ways because if you've put her in this situation now, and make such claims as if you're in an exclusive relationship then sex is a priority to you, what would it mean in a marriage that's exclusive you can't get any more exclusive than that, is she going to have no choice in whether she wants sex or not.?

Or rather you would be expecting it, not wishing to appear smutty, but you do have hands you know?? You could take up D.I.Y.
Jmo

[deer5]

Deer5

Im going to give you my advice here.. first when i read your question i thought, yeah its not an easy thing to do and i can understand your thoughts on this subject

but after reading some of your replys to the advice that was given

seems to me you just want everyone to tell you that..

Dont stay with her if she dont put out.

Well thats not going to happen infact you are the one that is looking more and more like the Axe in this relationship.

My advice.. if sex is a major thing for you.. which you said it was in a relationship
then go out and find someone that will give it to you as much as you want it..

If you want a relationship with a bit more than just sex that has some substance to it, i recomend talking with her and doing this for her.
if this is something you can't do.. then break it off with her now, and end months of pain and waiting.

but enough of going round and round in Circular arguments with us.

Good advice has been given by lots of people here.
take it or leave it.

Thanks for the advise on talking it out or breaking it off. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want advise or couldn't handle criticism---I appreciate feedback. I don't politely however need your permission to take it or leave it.

Also, a circular argument is one in which the premise contains the conclusion. I'm sure you can't find a circular argument of mine here because I have made none.

[positiveparent]

To OP you came here and asked our advice in your question, and we've given it to you, however obviously it doesn't sit well with you, or rather we didn't say what you maybe hoped we would say, fair enough.

So if you aren't accepting of the advice you've been given then why don't you just ignore it. Easy...

I think perhaps you are unaware that those here who answer the questions for advice or help all do so voluntarily, and believe it or not we've gone through all or most of these situations ourselves.

Whilst I accept you're maybe only wanting to get some validation or back up for your questions, it wouldn't go amiss if you could maybe agree to disagree.

It seems you're maybe trying to prove a point.