[bcv]

Ok here's the issue.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost four months now (she's 30 years old) , she's the type of girl very outgoing and I'm the more quiet type with people I don't know, yet I can be very outgoing with people I know, or even strange people with outgoing personalities.

It can naturally take me more time to build friendship with people I don't know, specially with people related to my girlfriend, you know you always want to make a good impression on them. I went to a pool party with her relatives a few weeks back, I met all of them yet I didn't talk much to her relatives because, well it wasn't the right place to talk about something, specially because people were separated in groups by long distances and I was with my girlfriend, her sister and another friend.

Yet that seemed to bother my girlfriend a lot, the fact that I din't talk much with people (her relatives) I was just meeting, and not any people, they were her relatives. (have in mind that it was the first time I was meeting those guys)

She complains that I don't like her friends because I don't talk much to them (I do say hello or hey the few times I've seen them and small talk with them sometimes). Have in mind that I've only seen her friends about 3 or 4 times for a short period and there are many whom I've never even met, and they are usually doing their own thing. She wants me to behave and treat them like they were my own pals (you know the ones you have known for years). I repeat that I've only seen these guys a handful of times.

On weekends I usually wanted to share quality time with my girlfriend and do things with her, like going to the movies, eating or drinking etc etc. Normal things couples do.

After four months of being together she has started complaining that I'm not socializing with her family and friends at the pace she wants to, and that we are too different and have to separate, yet she says she loves me, and she even told me back then she wanted to marry me in the future.

I tried telling her that I can't be like her, I have my own personality and that she should respect that if she loves me, yet it seems to bother her a lot that I'm not how she wants me to be, it just only takes me more time to build friendship with people I don't know.

She says she got bored of spending time alone with me, and that she wants me to spend time with her in a group with her friends. She says she'd rather go out in a group (me and her with her friends) than going just the two of us because it seems to bore her.

To me, her behavior comes off as very inmature, specially for a woman who is almost 30 and ready to marry. It's almost as she can't accept my personality and like she values her friends way too much

Do you think she loves me and is worth my time ?
or she's just another very inmature self centered person ?

Does anyone of you got bored of spending time with your girlfriend/boyfriend alone and wanted to do things in a group with friends instead? Have in mind that she stills goes out with her friends and I go with my own friends, it's just that when I'm with her I like the intimacy of being just the two of us.

Do you think she's right ?

[Ithappenstoall]

She is being unfair with you, I believe a serious discussion is in order to see what she is deeply feeling inside.

Whenever you have a feeling something is up, chances are something is. Never keep something you feel hidden, always share what you feel and be 100% with your other half... this is my philosophy anyway

[I wish]

You don't need to force a relationship with someone that you're not compatible with. Relationships should be more natural.

If she gets bored spending time alone with you, then you won't be able to take the next step in this relationship anyway.

I would say, make it a clean break and find someone else who is more compatible with you.

[zippit]

She wants her friends and family to see the same guy that she sees when you two are doing your own thing
If you are purposely clamping up when you are around her people I could see her point there has to be balance just like you wouldn't want her to take over the party when you are around your friends
I think you should tell her to give it some more time and you should really try to be more open when you are around her people.
Doing things together is fine but again balance is in order I think you have shades of jealousy for her attention and your not comfortable when she is with her friends and family.

[bcv]

she wants her friends and family to see the same guy that she sees when you two are doing your own thing
if you are purposely clamping up when you are around her people I could see her point there has to be balance just like you wouldnt want her to take over the party when you are around your friends
I think you should tell her to give it some more time and you should really try to be more open when you are around her people.
doing things together is fine but again balance is in order I think you have shades of jealousy for her attention and your not comfortable when she is with her friends and family.

I think you are on to something here, I acknowledge I get a bit jealous when she's with her friends (not family), mainly because most of her friends are males, she loves their attention, she just can't help it, she's very outgoing and flirty and loves the attention from males, likes hugs and even grabbing hands for short periods of times with friends or coworkers, whether it's face to face attention or through text messages and phone calls, sometimes she tends to completely forget about me when she's with her male friends to the point of never even looking at me. I've talked to her about it and she says she doesn't even realize she does it, I even talked to her about her text messages and phone calls and she says she's just like that, very flirty and has always been. I just can't get my head around the fact that she's like that all the time with males, it's almost as my attention is not enough for her.

[bcv]

Adding to my previous reply, I've found in the past on her blackberry several paragraphs long, very flirty chats with friends or coworkers, nothing sexual but very flirty. She just responds that there's nothing wrong with that, she has always been like that and that helps her get things.

[I wish]

"If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen."

Stop forcing yourself to be with someone who isn't compatible with you.

You know that you can't force her to change. So you either change your attitude and accept the way she is. Or move on with your life.

[bcv]

"If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen."

Stop forcing yourself to be with someone who isn't compatible with you.

You know that you can't force her to change. So you either change your attitude and accept the way she is. Or move on with your life.

It's not that she's not compatible with me, I lover her outgoing personality, I really do, it's great to be with someone different than you, it's just that if she could tone down her flirty attitude a bit and be more positive and tolerant towards me it would be great. I love her, but it's such a shame that I have to leave her because it seems she can't compromise on something like this. She almost seems to want it her way all the time.

[Romefalls19]

You cannot ask her to change who she is no more than she can ask you. You fell for this woman knowing the conditions and she did the same. You have to decide if you can continue this relationship with her being that way

[bcv]

Keep in mind I accept her fully as she is, I don't want to dump her because of her flirty attitude, it bothers me to a certain point but it's OK with me in the end (as long as she is not cheating on me of course), I love spending time with her.

It's her problem, she seems to want me to be as she wants, wants me to change me and do things her way, I mean I've never seen someone who complains that her partner is not socializing at the pace she wants, she says that if she can socialize with unknown people in a day that I should be able to do it too, I'm really confused because everyone is different and we only have 4 months together.

I'm thinking of giving the relationship one more chance, I'll compromise and tell her from now on, for the next weeks, I'll only go out with her in a group with her friends, or do things together with her family.

If I feel OK with that, and if she doesn't get mad at me for not doing things like she wants (ie socializing at a certain pace or talking to a certain friend or speaking when she wants me to), great, but if feel pressured, it means simply the relationship is not meant to be and she should go find another man who comprises everything on her ideal checklist.

Did I mention I'm her 6th partner and she's my real second partner (not counting one fling I had when I was younger) ? Her past boyfriends either cheated on her or she fell out of love with them.

[asking]

bcv,
I recently broke up with someone in part because he would not talk in a friendly way to my friends. He always had something negative to say (afterward) to anyone I introduced him to, or just wouldn't say much. He really embarrassed me one day when we took a walk with a gay friend of mine (in other words, not a threat) and my boyfriend barely said a word to him, even though my boyfriend was outgoing and friendly with his own friends and with total strangers. I felt that in the long run, he would isolate me from my friends.

I think you and your girlfriend are incompatible. She's bored always doing things alone together. You want to be alone with her, are anxious about her male friends (whether justifiably or not), she's flirty and annoyed with you for your refusal or inability to try to make friends with her friends and family.

If you want to try to make this work, I think for the next month you should compromise and go out with her more and at each event, separate yourself from her and talk to and get to know at least one person at each event--maybe two or three. Try to have fun. If you can do that and it begins to feel comfortable, there might be some hope for this relationship. But trying to keep this woman home with you is not going to work.

[Jake2008]

I would say that most people are a little self conscious when meeting new people, and it isn't easy to just keep conversations going with complete strangers, and behave as though you've known them all your life. Time and familiarity are what makes social situations comfortable, and you can't force your comfort level, just because your girlfriend wants you to!

She sounds controlling to me. Talk more, socialize more, be more outgoing (like me), participate, force yourself to have fun, and force yourself to have stimulating conversations with strangers. Me me me!

She should have a little more respect for the person you are, not the person she wants you to be.

She could do things in smaller doses. Why not just a double date with two of her friends instead of a bunch. Why not do something YOU want to do, maybe have a night in with a few of her friends, on YOUR turf, over a fondue, or cards or something where you can actually get to know people over conversation.

And why does she not invest more in the relationship with you itself. She says you are boring essentially, and again, you don't meet her level of energy or expectations.

She sounds terribly selfish to me; she wants her cake and eat it too comes to mind.

It is one thing if she enjoys her friends, and then respects your space and doesn't put you down or expect you to be her footman at these events. It's quite another if she is independent enough to appreciate that time with you is valuable, and she shows that she's just as, or more than, comfortable being with you instead of in a crowd.

I would say that compromise is not on her list of things to do. Seems like a line drawn in the sand, and you are expected to conform to her side, or suffer the wrath of feeling less than equal.

In my opinion, I wouldn't put up with someone who expects me to be someone I'm not.

[inertia]

4 months in and this much drama... I love how some of these posts say to not try to keep her home, but to go out and have more fun with her. You want my advice? If she won't compromise, then do what you want to do anyway (that's what she does). You don't have to dump her. Just do your own thing and see if she even notices. You've communicated your issues. We all say games are bad... and they are. However, this early on in the relationship requires just a little bit more stoicism on your part man. You made your case, now do your own thing. Be a little more hands off with her. 4 months in and meeting her family? It just sounds like you guys are moving way too fast.

[asking]

I think she sounds immature, but I don't agree that she hasn't compromised or that she's more selfish than he is. She has apparently spent a lot of time home alone with bcv. She's made that effort and it's starting to wear on her. It sounds like she's very social.

I agree with the points that inertia made that there's too much drama after only 4 months and that bcv should be more independent.

I still think they are incompatible.

[bcv]

bcv,
I recently broke up with someone in part because he would not talk in a friendly way to my friends. He always had something negative to say (afterward) to anyone I introduced him to, or just wouldn't say much. He really embarrassed me one day when we took a walk with a gay friend of mine (in other words, not a threat) and my boyfriend barely said a word to him, even though my bf was outgoing and friendly with his own friends and with total strangers. I felt that in the long run, he would isolate me from my friends.

I think you and your girlfriend are incompatible. She's bored always doing things alone together. You want to be alone with her, are anxious about her male friends (whether justifiably or not), she's flirty and annoyed with you for your refusal or inability to try to make friends with her friends and family.

If you want to try to make this work, I think for the next month you should compromise and go out with her more and at each event, separate yourself from her and talk to and get to know at least one person at each event--maybe two or three. Try to have fun. If you can do that and it begins to feel comfortable, there might be some hope for this relationship. But trying to keep this woman home with you is not going to work.

It's not that I don't want to socialize with her friends, it's just in part I'm afraid to make a fool of myself in front of them or her girlfriends, they are natural teasers, you know you always want to cause a nice impression on them. I really like to talk with people, even unknown people at the gym, in a cab, at the mall, on the internet, everywhere, but in part, a few of her friends come off as inmature to me, they seem to never have anything intelligent to say, they are always talking about partying, drinking or the last girl they shagged and I'm like "uhm... great". Maybe it's just that I don't know them well and so can't feel the connection with them, yet she wants me to behave and treat them like they were my own pals.

Speaking of events
Anecdote: Last week it was one of her cousin's birthday party, she asked if I wanted to go, I said yes, an hour before the event she said, "honey if you don't want to go it's ok with me I won't get angry or anything, I'll understand" I thought "great" I told her, "yeah honey I'm kind of tired and you know I might get bored there because I don't know anybody and don't feel like socializing with kids today but if you really want me to go I'll go", her cousins are in their very early twenty something's. I was really tired that day, so she went to the event and I went home, when I was home (it was Saturday night) a couple friends called me and asked if I wanted to go to their place to have drinks and eat, I asked her through text if she was OK with that before leaving, she said it's OK go and have fun.

So even though I was tired that day, I went to my friend's place just to avoid being alone at home on a Saturday night, we drank a bit, ate pizza and watched TV.Well a week later she told me she was furious because I didn't go to her cousin's birthday with her and I did go to my friends gettogether. Goes on to show women say one thing but mean another, of course I've should have known better.

[bcv]

I would say that most people are a little self conscious when meeting new people, and it isn't easy to just keep conversations going with complete strangers, and behave as though you've known them all your life. Time and familiarity are what makes social situations comfortable, and you can't force your comfort level, just because your girlfriend wants you to!

She sounds controlling to me. Talk more, socialize more, be more outgoing (like me), participate, force yourself to have fun, and force yourself to have stimulating conversations with strangers. Me me me!!

She should have a little more respect for the person you are, not the person she wants you to be.

She could do things in smaller doses. Why not just a double date with two of her friends instead of a bunch. Why not do something YOU want to do, maybe have a night in with a few of her friends, on YOUR turf, over a fondue, or cards or something where you can actually get to know people over conversation.

And why does she not invest more in the relationship with you itself. She says you are boring essentially, and again, you don't meet her level of energy or expectations.

She sounds terribly selfish to me; she wants her cake and eat it too comes to mind.

It is one thing if she enjoys her friends, and then respects your space and doesn't put you down or expect you to be her footman at these events. It's quite another if she is independent enough to appreciate that time with you is valuable, and she shows that she's just as, or more than, comfortable being with you instead of in a crowd.

I would say that compromise is not on her list of things to do. Seems like a line drawn in the sand, and you are expected to conform to her side, or suffer the wrath of feeling less than equal.

In my opinion, I wouldn't put up with someone who expects me to be someone I'm not.

That's what I keep telling her, it takes time to build friendship and feel natural around 20 unknown guys I don't know or have just seen very few times. Besides not everyone is the same, some people need more time and familiarity to build friendship.

[asking]

Goes on to show women say one thing but mean another, of course I've should have known better.

No. It goes to show that SHE said one thing and was feeling another. Don't generalize from her to all women.

You could not have known if she didn't tell you until later. It sounds like you don't like her friends. It also sounds like you are older than all her friends. (and her?).

In any case, you are not making each other happy. Time to end it.

[bcv]

I think she sounds immature, but I don't agree that she hasn't compromised or that she's more selfish than he is. She has apparently spent a lot of time home alone with bcv. She's made that effort and it's starting to wear on her. It sounds like she's very social.

I agree with the points that inertia made that there's too much drama after only 4 months and that bcv should be more independent.

I still think they are incompatible.

You are fully right, she's very social and made the effort to spend time with me in those four months but she seems she can't understand my personality or the time it takes me to socialize with her friends.

I never imagined she was getting bored of doing things alone with me, she never raised that issue, never, If she had told me something about it I would have done something inmediately to change it, I would have invited her friends, she said she thought I would change in those four months without her telling me anything, in my opinion she's rushing things a bit too much and she's being a bit selfish and inmature.

[bcv]

No. It goes to show that SHE said one thing and was feeling another. Don't generalize from her to all women.

You could not have known if she didn't tell you until later. It sounds like you don't like her friends. It also sounds like you are older than all her friends. (and her?).

In any case, you are not making each other happy. Time to end it.

What if I tell you she and all her friends are older than me ? It's just that I'm very mature, and usually love having meaninful conversations. Don't get me wrong I can be a child around people when I feel like, enjoy myself and others. It just seems she wants things to happen her way, instantly, she doesn't communicate or seems to be willing to work on it instead of complaining when it's too late.

[talaniman]

You have been learning things about each other the last 4 months, and finding out the differences in each other. In healthy adult relationships, the partners are willing to work together to overcome, and resolve these issues, but I suspect this whole thing has moved rather fast, and now your both seeing a side of each other that is both irritating, and annoying.

I suspect the initial things that attracted you are wearing off, and your starting to see more, and not necessarily liking what you see. What is the age difference between you, and are you living together after 4 months??

Relationships require adjustments to be made by two willing partners, or the chances of it growing, and working long term get slim, to none as the conflicts will over shadow the love.

Sometimes it takes a while to learn each others language, and be able to establish honest expressions of ones thoughts, and feelings, as it's a process, that takes time. Sadly many in a relationship are on different time tables, and that in itself is a problem.

I think the expectations you both have for each other may be unrealistic, and needs to be reevaluated so you know the adjustments that it will take and if those adjustments are worth it or not!