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swtlilsoni · Apr 30, 2010, 04:28 PM

Me and my ex have been talking as friends and everything was fine. Then he found out from a mutual friend that I want to get back together with him. He then just assumed that I'm talking to him to try to get back together, and started treating me like a desperate obsessive ex.

My question is, why would he just assume that? Just because you want to get back together with someone, doesn't mean you're TRYING to.

Have you ever heard those stories about someone who is deeply in love with their friend? Every night they cry because the friend doesn't feel the same way. But they always put a smile on and hide it. They suppress their feelings, they don't express them because they know the other person doesn't feel the same. So they just keep it inside. That person is not trying to get with the friend at all! They're just keeping their feelings inside because they accepted that they cannot be together.
Trying to get with the friend would be if they are flirting, trying to get close, asking them on dates, etc. (because they are acting on their feelings rather than suppressing them. They are trying to make things go forward instead of accepting how they are now).

So just because you want to be with someone doesn't mean you're trying to. I wanted to be with him, but I hid my feelings and I kept it to myself. I think it was quite considerate of me to respect how he feels and not push anything on him. So how can he interpret it as me trying to get with him; how can he treat me like a pushy desperate ex when I was actually being the opposite (a respectful considerate one)!

justcurious55 · Apr 30, 2010, 04:55 PM

You may not feel like you're being pushy, but if he doesn't want any relationship with you anymore, he may perceive your attempts for friendship for attempts to get back together. Sounds like its time to end things for real and move on

Wondergirl · Apr 30, 2010, 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by swtlilsoni

Then he found out from a mutual friend that I want to get back together with him.

So you did tell at least ONE person (who also knows him, your ex) that you want to get back together with him. Who else did you mention it to?

how can he treat me like a pushy desperate ex when I was actually being the opposite (a respectful considerate one)!

Were you?

swtlilsoni · Apr 30, 2010, 07:27 PM

JustCurious, all this time he was okay with the friendship. Then he suddenly starts interpreting it differently? It's obviously because of what he heard.

Wondergirl,
I told one or two mutual friends and that's about it. The only other people I told were my own friends who do not know him.
I think I was being respectful because I was serving his desires this entire time. Even though I still have feelings for him and it's so difficult for me, I ignore them and hide them because it's what he wants.

Wondergirl · Apr 30, 2010, 07:33 PM

Originally Posted by swtlilsoni

Wondergirl,
I told one or two mutual friends and that's about it. The only other people I told were my own friends who do not know him.
I think I was being respectful because I was serving his desires this entire time. Even though I still have feelings for him and it's so difficult for me, I ignore them and hide them because it's what he wants.

Well, my vote is for stopping any talk with ANYone about him and ignoring him completely or as much as you can. Do as much of a No Contact as you can. That will be better for you and will also be good for him. If he tries to engage you in conversation in person, just waggle your fingers at him ("hi" and "bye") and move along. Ignore any texts or phone calls.

You no longer care about "being respectful" and "serving his desires." You care only about preserving your own integrity.

talaniman · Apr 30, 2010, 08:29 PM

Obviously someone planted the seed of suspicion in his mind, a "friend".

But what I find as very odd, why you keep hurting yourself in the name of respect and his desires. Why don't you leave him alone and heal properly? Oh that's right, this way you can keep him in your life.

You have no choice now BUT to leave him alone. No way do I believe you told your friends you wanted him back in secrecy. That's not being very honest to yourself, and his assumptions appear to be right, so he has done you a favor, so you can get over him, and get on with your own life.

swtlilsoni · Apr 30, 2010, 09:30 PM

Well, I'm not really asking what to do.

I'm just trying to understand why he would interpret my friendship as pushy just because he knows I still have feelings for him. Is that normal? Normally, if someone breaks up with someone and stays close, then they find out the person still has feelings, would they automatically think the person is trying to get back with them? If not, there must have been something else that caused him to feel that way.

justcurious55 · Apr 30, 2010, 09:45 PM

It doesn't matter if its normal or not. He feels like you're being pushy and he's interpreting your attempt at friendship for something more. It doesn't matter whether you're being pushy or whether its normal. And it doesn't even really matter why he feels that way now because he does. And the more you try to assure him you aren't trying to get back together with him, the less he'll believe you. It sounds like he's already made the choice to move on. Unless he changes his mind, it doesn't seem like you have much choice.

swtlilsoni · Apr 30, 2010, 09:50 PM

It matters so I can know what went wrong

justcurious55 · Apr 30, 2010, 09:53 PM

You told someone that you wanted to get back together with him and they told him. That's what went wrong.

Wondergirl · Apr 30, 2010, 09:58 PM

Originally Posted by swtlilsoni

it matters so I can know what went wrong

What went wrong was that you mentioned to mutual friends that you are still interested in him romantically. (You wrote in your first post that you hid your feelings and kept them to yourself. That's not true.) He is not interested in you that way any longer, so he has backed off completely.

talaniman · May 1, 2010, 05:18 AM

You let others to deep into your business.

swtlilsoni · May 1, 2010, 09:49 AM

Okay so all of you are saying that since he found out I still have feelings for him, he backed off.

I know that (it's the same thing I said in my original post). My question is why would someone back off after finding out their ex still has feelings?
That's the point of this whole topic - to understand why that makes someone back off.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2010, 09:53 AM

His feelings for you have changed. He doesn't care about you. I earlier said: "He is not interested in you that way any longer, so he has backed off completely."

There is nothing to understand. It's over. Forget him. Move on.

swtlilsoni · May 1, 2010, 09:56 AM

Well yeah I know his feelings have changed. He only wants to be friends. And that's exactly what we're doing - being only friends. So why would he back off?

The only reason I can see is that he thinks I'm trying to be more than friends. So since he doesn't want that he backed off.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2010, 10:40 AM

Now I understand why he considers you obsessive.

He doesn't even want to be friends with you.

talaniman · May 1, 2010, 10:47 AM

You can't force friendship, nor should you need to.

swtlilsoni · May 1, 2010, 01:26 PM

None of you are really answering my question. You're just taking everything I say the wrong way. Did I say I want to force the friendship? No. Did I say I want to do anything at all? No. I'm merely trying to understand what happened which is why I came to this site, thinking I can get some insight. Obviously that's not going to happen.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2010, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by swtlilsoni

None of you are really answering my question. You're just taking everything I say the wrong way.

Why are you assuming that? We are reading your posts carefully and doing our best to answer your question.

He then just assumed that I'm talking to him to try to get back together, and started treating me like a desperate obsessive ex.

My question is, why would he just assume that?

For the same reason you are assuming we aren't answering your question!

He was TOLD by mutual friends that you said you are still after him romantically. He doesn't want to be friends with you because he thinks his even being just friends with you encourages you for more. That's why he is treating you like a "desperate obsessive ex."

swtlilsoni · May 1, 2010, 01:39 PM

Wondergirl,
The reason I said my question is not being answered is because all of you kept talking about how "he doesn't want to be friends with someone who still has feelings", and I already know that. My question was why!

What you just said makes sense though. See that's what I was looking for all along. You said it is because he thinks that being friends encourages me to pursue more. That answer explains why, instead of just repeating that he doesn't want to be friends.