[xpansion09]

Hey ash

Just wondering if you could advise me here.

So this is my situation.. my girlfriend and I have been going out for 10 months now we have know each other for about 4 years and yeah anyway everything was going awesome until about 2 weeks ago she wasn't answering my calls. She finally responded and felt like she was being suffocated and needed time to find herself again. So I didn't contact her for a week and I ran into one night when I was out, I wasn't giving her any attention so she pulled me away and hugged me and kissed me and said she just needed time to find herself, I said no worries and left her with a kiss on the hand. She contacted me two days later saying she wants to go on a picnic so we arranged to go on Friday. I was contemplating messaging her to arrange where we should go and stuff but I thought that she wanted this so she should try and get me back. Is this a right course of action. I know what I did was wrong by calling her all the time so I'm doing the opposite now.

[Ash123]

Hey Ash, I have a question.
Ive read through, oh id say about 7 pages, but nothing that was posted
really stuck.

Heres my situation:
First, ill say that I am 16, and she is 15 (Yes, I know, it isnt the end of the world if it doesnt work out, since we are both young and dumb)
We have been together just a hair past two years (as of April second),
but are coming across another rough spot/possible break up.
Im not sure when, but about last January, she said she wanted a break, for about a week. Still be a couple, but only on a technicality.
We still talked, but diddnt act like a couple.
I said ok, and did just that. A week later, she wanted back, and we got back, and were happy again.
But now she says theres another problem; shes starting to not love me anymore.
Still cares, and there isnt another person, and it isnt a sex based relationship (both of us are virgins, actually).
She doesnt want to give up, because she DOES remember all the good times we have had, and how good of a BF I have been.
I honestly do love her, and want it to work out. Guess I grew up a little fast and skipped the stage where all teens just want to f***.
I think she does still love me too, due to what I said above, she just..cant see it/something like that.
I have changed a bit since we met, mostly things I knew she would want changed to be happier as an individual and as a couple.

Right now, I honestly havent a clue what to do. It seems like she wants to love me, but cant. Ive told her how I feel, wrote her a song, and talked about it.
I dont have enough experience to know where/what to do to make this better again,
and I was asking for a little help.
Thanks

Buddy, I got to tell you - you need to take time away. Remember Romeo and Juliet? They were just a little younger... You will never be the entire you unless you live a bit more... Let her go for now... She will not forget you. Heck, in a couple years you may even date again. You are blessed to have had more of a relationship than most people your age!

Can you handle that?
Letting go is the #1 thing to help you and the girl actually do better. And following her only makes her feel guilty - not more in love.

[Ash123]

hey ash

just wondering if you could advise me here.

so this is my situation.. my gf and i have been going out for 10 months now we have know each other for about 4 years and yeh anyways everything was going awesome until about 2 weeks ago she wasnt answering my calls. She finally responded and felt like she was being suffocated and needed time to find herself again. So i didnt contact her for a week and i ran into one night wen i was out, i wasnt giving her any attention so she pulled me away and hugged me and kissed me and said she just needed time to find herself, i said no worries and left her with a kiss on the hand. She contacted me two days later saying she wants to go on a picnic so we arranged to go on friday. I was contemplating messaging her to arrange where we should go and stuff but i thought that she wanted this so she should try and get me back. Is this a right course of action. I know what i did was wrong by calling her all the time so im doing the opposite now.

Be nice, but still too early for a reunion.
She is keeping you close, but not ready for a relationship.
I'd say you have something else going on... But wish her well.
NC is always a choice if you think she's done and you are not.

[monkeygurl199427]

Can u reas through mine questions?? The title is what's going on in his head? Please and thank u

[Ash123]

can u reas through mine questions??? the title is whats going on in his head?? please and thank u

I read your post.

That is a relationship where NEITHER side was benefitting.
I am sorry but my advice is to establish NO contact.
No texts, emails, visits, run ins, calls, photos, for 3 months.
Then return her if you need a "tune up"

What is going on in his head? Not much I can repeat here.
It's not a healthy relationship.

How old are you? Focus on career and school if still studying.
I know it hurts - but it will only hurt more when you break up again.

HANG IN THERE! WE ARE HERE.
ASH

[Revolutionary123]

Hi Ash123,

I must start by adding what a wondering job you are doing here, changing and helping people to move on and repair their lives! I guess you are the cement that keeps the world together. Here's a little bit about the recent happenings in my life;

I have just read the whole thread and under going no contact, my EX - Gf broke up around the middle of March. We've been together for just over three years, we both live close together when she's back from university and only 1 train ride away from Uni so traveling and constant contact wasn't a problem, along with my fantastic talk plan I have. She's now in the US studying abroad, she left in January, supposed to be coming back on May 12 though she might stay for one month to do some traveling.

The first three months her stay in America was very lonely as she was stuck at her dorm on the computer all the while, we noticed we had problems but I was adamant the distance was the root cause of the problem even though part of her explanation was 'I can't be in a relationship where I feel stressed and not knowing what was the cause of it'. Then she started making friends and after spring break I was suddenly dumped. Her explanation was 'feelings have changed' but still want to be friends, her closest friend in America is a bloke so automatically I switched into jealous over inquisitive mode, and looked at the photos her friends posted on Facebook only to find she's linking up arms on many photos with this new found friend, and being physically intimate as she would do with me.

She insists that we be friends but cannot ever go back to how it was, and there was no space for reconciliation. She told me she was not looking for a boyfriend, and that she would like to have fun and to be sad anymore. She says she doesn't miss home as she used to anymore and I guess I'm a part of home. I have told her in my email how I felt and where I stood, the last communication was a friendly general chit chat which I call 'cr*p' as it doesn't nothing but act as a time wasting check up nonsense.

I have spent the last month or so improving my life, being a trainee concert pianist I have found the perfect release... I feel I have moved on a little, photos of us doesn't hurt as much as I anticipate and that sad songs aren't about me anymore. I have removed her from social networking sites but left one communication and that is skype, last week she wrote to me and initiated contact. At that time I felt I was ready to speak with her but chose to commit to the Non Contact rule until a few weeks after she returns (I have items which belongs to her). Does my actions in not speaking with her be detrimental to a 'possible' reunion?

So my options are;

A: Do I not reply to anything that is written, especially on IM as it is informal?

B: Do I not answer calls if she calls me?

C: See how it goes when she comes home?

D: Completely ignore, return her belongings and continue no contact?

I have a feeling you'll say no contact is no contact...

[Ash123]

Ignore her.

If she needs anything, let her have it.

No need to be hostile with her, but no need to put yourself in harm's way.

Let her be.

More questions?

[Revolutionary123]

Thank you :)

Only the recent two days have I really understood the meaning of no contact, there are so many websites that says 'no contact - can win your girlfriend back' I find that those articles (advertisements) prey on the weak and give them tonne of false hope only to be hurt again.

I can see after a breakup the breakee changes into a low self esteem, depressed character and the only feeling you'll get from your ex is sympathy nothing more nothing less. Everything will be based upon sympathy, luckily I haven't got to this emotional state.

Being strong, being great, being the exact person you were 'could' trigger old memories? Probably...

I saw a few weeks ago you had to initiate the no contact drill, what has happened since then?

[Ash123]

Thank you :)

Only the recent two days have I really understood the meaning of no contact, there are so many websites that says 'no contact - can win your girlfriend back' I find that those articles (advertisements) prey on the weak and give them tonne of false hope only to be hurt again.

I can see after a breakup the breakee changes into a low self esteem, depressed character and the only feeling you'll get from your ex is sympathy nothing more nothing less. Everything will be based upon sympathy, luckily I haven't got to this emotional state.

Being strong, being great, being the exact person you were 'could' trigger old memories? Probably...

I saw a few weeks ago you had to initiate the no contact drill, what has happened since then?

1) Being yourself without worrying about your ex is key. Remove them and you can :-)
2) My ex has been contacting me, but I'm kind of tough. I ignore it. Takes a lot to get me to circle back.

[artstar]

First of all, great great advice. I'm proud to say that I have been faithful to the no contact concept and have not initiated contact. However, today, she messaged me and asked for one of her belongings back. I responded. Simply with "Im busy but i'll drop it off one of these following days." and that was that. I was just planning to go to her one day and take 5 quick minutes to drop it off. No conversation but perhaps a quick "hello. here you go. bye." Should I have ignored the message and not replied? If I should have, what do I do now? What should my next step be?

[the_original]

First of all, great great advice. I'm proud to say that I have been faithful to the no contact concept and have not initiated contact. However, today, she messaged me and asked for one of her belongings back. I responded. Simply with "Im busy but i'll drop it off one of these following days." and that was that. I was just planning to go to her one day and take 5 quick minutes to drop it off. No conversation but perhaps a quick "hello. here you go. bye." Should I have ignored the message and not replied? If I should have, what do I do now? What should my next step be?

Sounds to me like you handled it well. Drop the stuff off, be polite and brief is what I would say

[artstar]

Sounds good. I'm just kind of scared as to how I'll act in those 5 minutes. I haven't seen her since the separation and I've been doing quite well. I'm just a bit scared that in that quick drop off I'll show a sign of weakness all of a sudden. Or should I take this as an opportunity to look strong and well and leave with that lasting impression?

[artstar]

Or, I was thinking, should I just drop it off at her front door and just message her and say her stuff is there? Or would that be weakness? What do you think Ash?

[Ash123]

I would drop it off at YOUR convenience.
If she is there cool.
If she is not cool.
IF you do not want to talk to her, just do it when she is not there.
Leave a cordial post-it like: Here you go! (your name)
DONE. Down life's highway...

She feels guilty etc. IF you choose to cross paths, just be nice and smile and wish her well.
Don't linger and wait for some magic words! You all can talk one day a year from now if you are in the mood... :-)

[artstar]

Thanks a lot.

Now I'm getting a paranoid feeling that she might be looking to other guys. Particularly one of her short lived ex boyfriends who has recently been leaving Facebook comments and such. I know I shouldn't be checking up on her at all. But hey, I wholeheartedly agreed with the breakup and haven't initiated contact since. It's been about 3 weeks and I've actually felt great about the whole thing. Being free and all. But recently, these little thoughts in my head that there might be another guy around the corner is throwing me off even though I have no hard evidence. When we last spoke she said it wasn't about another guy. That it was just for her own space and didn't want to be involved with anyone. But I guess I should be prepared for the worst anyway.

Any tips on making sure I don't break down?

[Ash123]

thanks alot.

now i'm getting a paranoid feeling that she might be looking to other guys. particularly one of her short lived ex boyfriends who has recently been leaving facebook comments and such. i know i shouldn't be checking up on her at all. but hey, i wholeheartedly agreed with the breakup and haven't initiated contact since. it's been about 3 weeks and i've actually felt great about the whole thing. being free and all. but recently, these little thoughts in my head that there might be another guy around the corner is throwing me off even though i have no hard evidence. when we last spoke she said it wasn't about another guy. that it was just for her own space and didn't want to be involved with anyone. but i guess i should be prepared for the worst anyway.

any tips on making sure i don't break down?

You need to just play a part. Pretend you are George Clooney in Oceans 11. Just drop the stuff off with a smile and get going... You can breathe in the car... lights. Camera. Action. Let me know how it goes. The scene should not be long so RELAX! Good stories later.

As for the boy that is making you nervous... Whateverrrrrrrrrrr dudeeeee :-)
Can you say that out loud? You are a free man. If she doesn't get your charms, it's her loss. She's just being friendly with people is all.

[artstar]

Sounds about right. Thanks a lot.

Throughout this experience I can say that I've learned sooo much. It actually seems like it's much better to be in this position as opposed to being the one who initiated the breakup because they're the one who has to live with their decision. They're the ones who'll have to ask "what if i was wrong?"

Being the breakee, there is only one road to take. The only way to go is to be strong and to focus on ourselves. And whether we do want them back, strength is the only answer. To me, that is a huge relief because life is so much simpler with only one direction to take.

[Ash123]

Breaker feels guilt and some remorse.
Breakee feels pain and self-doubt.

Breaker seeks closure through friendship.
Breakee seeks closure through validation.

The one that wins is the one that focuses on making their life better
And not letting the other person's actions dictate theirs. Rejection hurts but it always teaches us a lesson. LEARN IT and you will gain much more than if you had stayed in the relationship and not grown.

[Revolutionary123]

Thanks Ash that last post is spot on! Lets hope my ex's reverse culture shock won't make her so different that her friends would push her away. In the mean time I'm getting better and I wish for the same for you too Ash.

[eduinlove]

So I am trying to follow the steps of NC and keep wondering about part 14.) OK, here's the controversial part. You can break the silence if you wish one time. But if you really were silent after the break 100% they should contact you first. But if you have to try once -After 3 months, send the most casual message you can. No agenda.
"(A short FYI about the weather or an activity)...and.....Hope you are doing well." Just something helpful to them....
Her birthday is coming up on the first of June. Should I call/txt regardless? She did txt and then call me on my birthday... however the last time we spoke she said it would be best if we don't speak for awhile. See this link for my story