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Torrid13 · Jul 17, 2009, 09:32 AM

Once you're broken up with someone, you can't label yourself as responsible for what they do as a result. You just can't. If you do that, you'll be miserable the rest of your life.

EVERYONE craves love and attention: the problem is that some people mistake abuse for love and attention, and others, as you stated, make significant others their only source of happiness, and etc etc.

In any case, she has to live with the consequences of the break up as much as you do, and if she chooses to do something stupid, then that's on her, not you.

dealmein · Jul 17, 2009, 10:18 AM

You've said abuse twice now I hope your not thinking our relationship is an abusive one?

Torrid13 · Jul 17, 2009, 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by dealmein

You've said abuse twice now I hope your not thinking our relationship is an abusive one?

I never said anything about your relationship being abusive.

dealmein · Jul 17, 2009, 10:28 AM

Sorry just in the last two comments you said "especially when one is being abused" and then another "some mistake abuse for love and attention" I thought you were being specific to my relationship. If you were meaning in general terms fair enough.

Your right though I know I can't be a part of her life after this. I fully understand the no contact rule here.

I really do love this girl though there's no doubt about that. I know I'm not mature enough to deal with it and the fact I love her means ending it before it goes to far.

Its such a sad time for me Ive been crying on and off for since Wednesday night. Ive kept little things throughout our relationship because she meant a lot to me. Wee things cinema stubs, seashells, birthday, xmas and valentines cards, and other things she's given me. They were in a box so I've put it out of sight along with everything else.

My first love I'll never forget it.

Torrid13 · Jul 17, 2009, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by dealmein

Sorry just in the last two comments you said "especially when one is being abused" and then another "some mistake abuse for love and attention" I thought you were being specific to my relationship. If you were meaning in general terms fair enough.

Your right though I know I can't be a part of her life after this. I fully understand the no contact rule here.

I really do love this girl though there's no doubt about that. I know i'm not mature enough to deal with it and the fact I love her means ending it before it goes to far.

Its such a sad time for me Ive been crying on and off for since Wednesday night. Ive kept little things throughout our relationship because she meant alot to me. Wee things cinema stubs, seashells, birthday, xmas and valentines cards, and other things she's given me. They were in a box so ive put it out of sight along with everything else.

My first love I'll never forget it.

No, I was speaking in general terms. If you were being abusive to your partner and hitting her and whatnot, oh, rest assured, you would know how I feel about it. Something along the lines of, "Hey douchebag! You freaking suck and deserve to have herpes!" or something else eloquent.

NC is magic. I love it. Well, now I do. In the beginning I certainly didn't. But it's really helped me heal a great deal after a long relationship! I actually have days after 4 months of being broken up where I don't think about him! It's scary! :O

I kept little things too, like ticket stubs, I have a love seashell from him... all the things you kept from her, I kept from my ex, too. But I NEVER look at them. When I came home from college for the summer, I put them in a random tub in the garage so I can't see them, and when I'm more healed, I will get rid of them. He was my first love, but I can't keep them forever. Eventually you're going to have to let go of them. You can't right now, and it's understandable, but as you heal, you'll realize you don't need them anymore.

dealmein · Jul 17, 2009, 11:03 AM

Haha see I thought you might have meant it in an emotionally abusive way? I knew it wouldn't have been physical I have said nothing to make you think that.

Yeh I put them under my bottom drawer in my chest of drawers so even when rummaging through things I won't stumble upon them.

I'd like to think I'd keep them forever though I don't want to forget her completely at all. Knowing she was part of my life and how happy we were. These things meant something just because she's gone doesn't mean I want to erase.

Torrid13 · Jul 17, 2009, 11:12 AM

Either way, you would have been made aware of my accute displeasure. :)

You won't forget her, whether you have the ticket stubs or not. You never forget first loves. But it's up to you if you want to keep the pieces of the past or not.

dealmein · Jul 18, 2009, 10:51 AM

Right I've done it. Went over with her bridesmaid dress she left here months ago, her shoes and some other personal belongings. Just clarrified that it was finished. She was pretty stone faced she didn't ask much she just said "if i think its ran its course then thats fine i'm not going to beg you to stay". I cried a bit while explaining myself but she was so together.

Went into her room to exchange stuff and she said she can't find my shirt. So I said just forget it. She said she'll send me it in the post if she finds it. (her rooms a tip) haha

But yeah went to the door and hugged her that's when she broke down a bit so we kissed and I said bye and hugged her again but she just pushed me away. I went to the bus stop and she came back.. part of me expected her to come back telling me not to leave but she comes up with the shirt. She waited till I got on the bus but I stayed strong and got on the bus.

Hardest thing ever. It wasn't as bad as we knew it was ending I'd already basically said this is what's happening. So it left a good few days to get use to it.

She was wearing a gothic armband thing which I've never seen before which was weird. She said she's had it for ages. But I suspected it maybe this other guy she works with she's took it and put it on. I know he'll be the guy she goes for next. Its not my place to judge but if it is his it's a wee bit gutting to know she's connecting with someone so fast. I mean... I couldn't do it and I'm the one breaking up.

Torrid13 · Jul 18, 2009, 11:02 AM

Originally Posted by dealmein

Right ive done it. Went over with her bridesmaid dress she left here months ago, her shoes and some other personal belongings. Just clarrified that it was finished. She was pretty stone faced she didnt ask much she just said "if i think its ran its course then thats fine i'm not going to beg you to stay". I cried a bit while explaining myself but she was so together.

Went into her room to exchange stuff and she said she can't find my shirt. So i said just forget it. She said she'll send me it in the post if she finds it. (her rooms a tip) haha

But yeh went to the door and hugged her thats when she broke down a bit so we kissed and i said bye and hugged her again but she just pushed me away. I went to the bus stop and she came back .. part of me expected her to come back telling me not to leave but she comes up with the shirt. She waited till i got on the bus but i stayed strong and got on the bus.

Hardest thing ever. It wasnt as bad as we knew it was ending i'd already basicly said this is whats happening. So it left a good few days to get use to it.

She was wearing a gothic armband thing which ive never seen before which was weird. She said she's had it for ages. But i suspected it maybe this other guy she works with she's took it and put it on. I know he'll be the guy she goes for next. Its not my place to judge but if it is his its a wee bit gutting to know she's connecting with someone so fast. I mean... i couldnt do it and i'm the one breaking up.

*hug* I'm sorry things like this have to hurt so bad. But you did the right thing.

When my ex broke up with me, he cried and cried, but I didn't. Not one tear. But I was the one who the most heartbroken. Just because she didn't cry too much in front of you doesn't mean she's not upset about it. I'm sure she went back inside and cried.

And you know what? If she does get involved with the guy right away, he's just a rebound. But it's not your place anymore to know who she's involved with and why. You need time to heal, and so does she. Things will get easier, and you'll find someone when the time is right.

Take care.

dealmein · Jul 18, 2009, 12:19 PM

Hey thanks for the support there doesn't seem to be a lot coming my way. Maybe because I'm the "dumper" but yeah its much appreciated.

dealmein · Mar 16, 2010, 05:31 PM

Threads were merged for the whole story.

Hi, Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years on and off. Off usually due to my own fear of commitment at times. I have taken 3 steps backs from her around every 6 months of the relationship however have always wanted her back each time as I missed her greatly and realised I was being an idiot.

She has a problem with her weight which I seem to have more of a problem with than her. I guess I have neglected her feelings as a woman and haven't complimented her enough probably due to my own wishes she lose some weight. I'd feel complimenting her would be encouraging it.

At the weekend there I noticed she had a text from another man. I caught a glimpse and it only said hi with a smile and a kiss. However I felt very uneasy all night. I had an urge to check her phone. An urge I have never had before throughout 2 years. So in the morning when she was in the shower I decided to check her phone. Only to find she had sent a dirty picture of herself to another man. Quite an explicit one that was created for myself which made it that much more disrespectful.

I felt sick to my stomach I felt as If she'd just ripped my heart out. The thing is she'd mentioned this guy online was interested in her previously while we were joking around. I promptly told her to get out of my house and have been angry at her since Sunday. I have blamed her utterly for the whole thing which to be honest is probably a bit harsh as it was probably due to her low self esteem. Apparently I don't make her feel "sexy" because I'm always making wee comments about her weight.

I vowed never to take anyone back after such an event but I feel I may have pushed her to seek acceptance from someone else. No doubt it was a horrible way to behave towards me but there are two people in a relationship.

She's the type of girl that wants to be told she's pretty which she is no doubt. But I'm more of a laid back kind of person so don't feel the need to do much other than have a great time with her. Maybe I should have been more considerate to her needs.

So now she's texting me non stop telling me how sorry she is and that was the only thing she has done albeit a really stupid thing. She wants a second chance.

Does she deserve it? Am I in the wrong? What do you think?

dazedandconfused2010 · Mar 16, 2010, 11:59 PM

She does deserve a second chance. If you love her, you will forgive her.

Although I do think that you should be more sensitive about her weight. Women are way more skeptic of themselves than men are. So for you to crack jokes about her weight really put her down. It makes us women feel unwanted. And when we feel unattractive or unwanted, the first person that gives us the attention we crave can make us stray away.

If you want her to lose weight (and you said yourself that you were a little overweight, too) buy gym memberships for the both of you. Make it a fun activity that you can do together. And you both would get into shape. Plan walks in to the park. Play sports, any kind, tennis, ball, anything active. And trust me, she WILL APPRECIATE and love anything that you take time to plan. That shows her that you are thinking about her. Us women LOVE that.

Complement her always. And extra complements if you start working out. That will give her encouragement to want look/feel better for herself and for you.

Romefalls19 · Mar 17, 2010, 05:15 AM

Not sure why you made comments about her weight, quite a low blow to be honest. It's up to you to give her a second chance, I probably wouldn't because sending those pics to someone else is like cheating for me.

amicon · Mar 17, 2010, 05:25 AM

What she did was out of order.

You shouldn't be together-you can't commit-you keep breaking up and neither of you seem to meet the others emotional needs.

Time to move on.

annette88 · Mar 17, 2010, 07:53 AM

First of all you need to take a long, hard look at what you really want from this woman. You cannot keep giving your love then with-holding it. That's grossly unfair. Do you really want to be with her? If you do and see her inner beauty-not just her exterior-then you need to give her a second chance and start making some serious changes to your attitude to her. Anyone would make a mistake when feeling neglected and found that someone else was interested. We all need to be told how beautiful and precious we are to those we love. But be sure of your choice and treat this woman with respect whether you stay or walk away.

talaniman · Mar 17, 2010, 08:23 AM

This threads was merged with the other one, as a background to his own actions, in this sordid saga.

In light of what you have been through, your no saint at all and why you both continue this mess is beyond me.

While she deserves another chance, why she would want one is beyond me.

dealmein · Mar 17, 2010, 09:39 AM

Why we continue is because 90% of the relationship is good and 10% can be bad. Like all relationships ups and downs are inevitable that's why I come on here to talk about my 10%. I never come on here to tell you about the 90% of good times we have.

We're young and its our first ever serious relationship with anyone. It means more to us than just chuckin it in the bin when things get difficult.