Ask Me Help Desk - Break up?

I broke up with my girl last night pretty much stole her boat crashed it into a couple of rocks and made it away on my own. I want to take time on my own be with other people without her which kills me but I can't hide it any longer right now in my head I just don't want this relationship anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love her she means the world to me. She's the first girl Ive ever been with sexually and emotionally and I'm just not ready to settle down "forever". I miss her already and its been one day it feels as if she's broke up with me rather than the other way about. My heads so screwed up I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Which is probably a good reason to split up in itself.

To me its taking time out for myself and I haven't told her we're going on a break or anything because she'd just be sitting there waiting for me to come back or hoping which as all of you know might never happen. I feek terrible for doing this I promised her so much. In my head I can see me coming back to her feeling stupid for even thinking about breaking it off but I've never had a "single life" and no matter how happy she makes me that's always playing on my mind. I feel very selfish I've tried breaking up before but always came back to her thinking to myself I'm being stupid but now I've done it and I just have to ride this out. Whatever happens happens right? :confused:

You've made a decision, selfish or not it's made now.

Try to find whatever you need to find out about yourself, go NC and leave this girl alone you've hurt her enough.

I think I have to set a date to see her and talk about things.

I want to be with her now and forever so... WHY!. am I making this so difficult? Its like every time there's a slight tiff or argument I tend to back away and think our relationship is going into complete and utter meltdown. I don't know whether the relationship is just going to fast for me to handle and I'm just not at that mature stage to deal with all the emotions involved. Right now all I can think about is patching things up with her telling her I'm an idiot and kissing her feet until she forgives me for my idiotic behaviour.

Whatever this is inside me that's so scared of committing fully it can't be the single life I want because right now I couldn't care less about it. I'm running away from something and I just don't know what.

I think I need time though how long do you think I should take with NC to find myself a little? Has anyone ever felt this confused in a relationship before? Is this normal at all and can it be fixed?

You seem unstable and don't know what you want. All your doing is taking this girl for an emotional rollercoaster. Figure out what you want before you do anymore damage to her. We have enough girls who put up an emotional wall and don't let guys into their hearts because of what other guys do to them.

Go and get yourself a counselor and if you really care about your ex STAY AWAY FROM HER!

You have put her through enough emotional turmoil, she doesn't need this.

Go sort your head out and IF you still want to be with her afterwards you deal with that then.

I agree with neverme, sort out your own problems before putting her through more pain and emotional turmoil. She doesn't need or deserve this.

What's your question? Should you stay broken up?

YES

You aren't the first one who has come here and has trouble sorting through, and dealing with your own feelings. It also seems like anytime something goes wrong your ready to bail, and not work through it. Sadly you regret the impulsive actions you take, and have to put your tail between your legs, and beg forgiveness, keeping everyone around you on an emotional roller coaster.

Your not ready for a relationship, nor is it fair to play around with someone's feelings. If you have left, stay gone, and work on yourself.

What else is going on in your life causing you to be so wishy washy? Who else is influencing your decisions? How old are you??

I'm 21 and she's 18 we've been together for a year and basically I've had the feelings for a while we talk on the phone everyday or had done until I broke up. We were basically living in each other pockets all the time which isn't healthy in itself. I wanted to spend time with her and chose that over going out with friends any day of the week. I have been attracted to other girls who have constantly tested my relationship with sexual offers and what not. Ive never ever cheated on her but fear hurting her in that way because my mind does wander. I'm sure everyone's does at some point. The thing is she's the first girl I had sex with and as a guy I'm always thinking what if I was single I would snap up these opportunities that I've got.

Its silly and very shallow I know and I hate myself for it. This year has been the happiest I've ever been and I'm throwing it away for this?

I have a friend who's been with his girlfriend for 5 years and he's the same she was his first. He's blurted out to me "i wish i was single so i could have just one no strings attatched fling" and I asked how long he's been feeling like that. He said its always on his mind. He then mentioned a girl he was interested in at work and went to her house and ended up kissing her.

I don't want that to be me I don't want to get 5 years down the line and end up acting on these things. I never would that's why I've given myself the opportunity to do it. I might not I might realise I've made the biggest mistake in my life and not act on it. But I think I owe myself the freedom to think things over without any restrictions.

Do what you have to for yourself, but don't expect someone to wait for you to sow your wild oats. Life does move on.

The way things are now you may as well leave her alone, as it sounds more like your use to each other but the feelings ain't there.

Be honest with yourself, and her.

Threads merged and edited.
Hi,

Ive split up with her once before and got back together within a week at around the 7 month mark. Since then its been great but this past few weeks I've started to feel detached.

I make up excuses so she doesn't come over. I flirt with other girls all the time. I'd never do anything while I'm with Jane but I want to. Sometimes when she's talking on the phone I zone out so that I'm not even listening to what she's saying. I feel like I'm becoming detached from this girl I once thought was everything to me.

What made us break up the last time was the same situation basically. I'd become detached from the relationship and want to be single. As soon as I saw what I lost I didn't care about being single. Being with her was exciting again. I don't want to break up with her and get back together just to feel something!

When I look at our relationship in the long run I can't see it working. Getting married, having kids, sharing responsibility I don't think would work with us. Every time we share a task it turns into an argument. We'll both want control of the situation and from my point of view she snaps at me an aweful lot. I'll try and fix the situation but a lot of the time she comes out with frustration and anger. A bit high maintenance to say the least.

We have fun we laugh we play our sex life is great but I think when it comes to more serious issues we fall apart. I don't know if I'm just nit picking our relationship because I'm becoming so detached or what.

This has hit me pretty hard because I thought everything was fine and running smoothly. I can remember a few weeks ago telling someone how happy I am and being single was so far from my mind.

I'm seriously thinking about ending it. I don't want to regret my decision in the long run I want to make sure it's the right thing to do.

You have said yourself that you can't see the future happening with you two in a relationship, so I think that pretty much answers your question. Why would you stay in a relationship representing false hopes to the other person? You said you don't even pay attention to her when she talks, you make excuses so she doesn't come over, and you spend your time flirting with other girls. You haven't cheated or anything and that is respectful, but don't keep leading her on, when in your own mind you have already decided that you won't last.

It's good you decided to address this issue though, rather than letting it drag out, both for your benefit and hers.

You can see you having a future together, but you feel detached? And not just once, either!

If you're not feeling it, end it. But don't go crawling back to her again when you realize or have a feeling you lost a really great thing. You can't keep putting her through this. It's not fair to her.

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March 2009,
I broke up with my girl last night pretty much stole her boat crashed it into a couple of rocks and made it away on my own.

That was idiotic and childish, and a good indicator of your maturity level. Also it shows not only irresponsibility, but a real fear of facing the consequences of your actions.

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I want to take time on my own be with other people without her which kills me but I can't hide it any longer right now in my head I just didn't want this relationship anymore.

Then you need to man up, and tell her you need your space and then take it.

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It doesn't mean I don't love her she means the world to me. She's the first girl Ive ever been with sexually and emotionally and I'm just not ready to settle down "forever".

While I realize break ups are very hard, you not being honest with yourself or her is not love, nor is it healthy. It's a good example of not coping with your feelings in an honest open way, and that's not love any more, its deceit.

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I want to be with her now and forever so... WHY!. am i making this so difficult?

Must have been having some good sex, or your lost and alone and confused AGAIN. Just like dope fiends who depend on doing their dope to be happy. That's dependence, not love.

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Its like every time there's a slight tiff or argument I tend to back away and think our relationship is going into complete and utter meltdown.

Because your only happy when things are going good and don't have the personal coping skills to deal with things when they aren't so good. You have much growing and learning to do, and best be alone, and single to do it.

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I don't know whether the relationship is just going to fast for me to handle and I'm just not at that mature stage to deal with all the emotions involved.

Probably both.

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Right now all I can think about is patching things up with her telling her I'm an idiot and kissing her feet until she forgives me for my idiotic behaviour.

Here we go, yet again.

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Ive split up with her once before and got back together within a week at around the 7 month mark. Since then its been great but this past few weeks I've started to feel detached.

You have to be blind not to see the pattern to your thinking. I feel for your girlfriend, as you just are NOT READY for a mature adult relationship.

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July 2009,
I make up excuses so she doesn't come over. I flirt with other girls all the time. I'd never do anything while I'm with Jane but I want to.

That's not a relationship, it's a big lie by you, you're a cheater waiting to happen. Then you will feel all guilty, and start making excuses for your behavior. More evidence that your healthy adult maturity, hasn't happened yet.

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Sometimes when she's talking on the phone I zone out so that I'm not even listening to what she's saying. I feel like I'm becoming detached from this girl I once thought was everything to me.

Your only attached to the sex. Trust me, when that's old, you will really be detached, and MISERABLE.

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What made us break up the last time was the same situation basically. I'd become detached from the relationship and want to be single. As soon as i saw what i lost i didn't care about being single.

If you were honest with her she would dump you. Oh that's right, you haven't been honest with her. You must know that she will dump your butt, and oh gee, no more sex. That's childish,

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Being with her was exciting again. I don't want to break up with her and get back together just to feel something!

What a lousy excuse to having sex.

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When I look at our relationship in the long run I can't see it working. Getting married, having kids, sharing responsibility I don't think would work with us.

Your right, but I don't know why your even looking that far ahead, since you haven't looked past your man tool in... a heckuva long time. Since you've been together. A sure sign of boy playing MAN.

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Every time we share a task it turns into an argument. We'll both want control of the situation and from my point of view she snaps at me an aweful lot. I'll try and fix the situation but a lot of the time she comes out with frustration and anger. A bit high maintenance to say the least.

Especially if your communications is lousy, your maturity is low, and all you want is the feel good of sex.

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We have fun we laugh we play our sex life is great but I think when it comes to more serious issues we fall apart. I don't know if I'm just nit picking our relationship because I'm becoming so detached or what.

Sex, playing=fun; serious stuff no fun. Conclusion, two kids playing at adults, and trying to build a relationship around... having sex.

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This has hit me pretty hard because I thought everything was fine and running smoothly. I can remember a few weeks ago telling someone how happy I am and being single was so far from my mind.

Must have got some huh? The glow was on you, so your happy and content, hope she was to.

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I'm seriously thinking about ending it. I don't want to regret my decision in the long run I want to make sure it's the right thing to do.

The glow fades, and so does your love, typical.

Sooner or later one of you will wake up and see beyond your physical, and say oh, my gosh, why am I still here?

You have some growing and learning to do and until you do, you will think sex and love are the same thing.

This is one life lesson thats going to hurt, sorry not being harsh, but you have a few brick wall to run into with your big head, while your little head is egging you on, and you you keep listening.

You make some good points. I know I have to end this its not going to be easy.

No it won't be easy, make a decision and follow through.

Well I just phoned her after work let her know we need to talk Saturday so I'll go over to hers and do it. She's an amazing girl but I know I'm not going to Love her like she should be.

I think its easy for an outsider to say right this is what's happening and this is what you should do. Relationships aren't all as clear cut as people seem to make out on this site. If I'd did it your way and broke up months ago yes I'd have saved heart ache but I'd more than likely regret not finding out if it could be saved or not. At the time I thought realising I didn't want to end things was the solution. The part about this being the honeymoon period I totally agree with. Its died down and I see that our personalities just aren't enough for each other.

I can say I've learned more in this last 6 months why it just isn't going to work. I see something now I wouldn't have if I'd left it then. Hopefully she'll see that I loved her enough to give it a second shot and it just didn't work out. The fact this is the second time means that its for real there will be no doubts or regrets this time round.

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Originally Posted by dealmein

I think its easy for an outsider to say right this is whats happening and this is what you should do. Relationships arent all as clear cut as people seem to make out on this site. If i'd did it your way and broke up months ago yes i'd have saved heart ache but i'd more than likely regret not finding out if it could be saved or not. At the time I thought realising I didnt want to end things was the solution. The part about this being the honeymoon period I totally agree with. Its died down and I see that our personalities just arent enough for each other.

I can say ive learned more in this last 6 months why it just isnt going to work. I see something now I wouldnt have if i'd left it then. Hopefully she'll see that I loved her enough to give it a second shot and it just didnt work out. The fact this is the second time means that its for real there will be no doubts or regrets this time round.

People on this site do the best they can with the information we're given. It's easier for us to come up with solutions because we only focus on the information, not people's feelings and worried about someone being angry. Sometimes I do think about the people that will be heartbroken because their SO is ending it with them, but in the end, it's usually best for both people, especially when one party is being abused and is too close to be objective.

You did what you thought was best. You made a decision and will now have to live with the consequences. You're gaining experience. Either she'll take it as you loved her enough to try again, or she'll take it as cruel on your part that you let her go half a year believing things were okay or getting better. Either way, you have to live with it.

Good luck.

There's a part of me that feels I'm breaking up with the girl of my dreams but we're just not in a place to be with each other. She's young she's 17 struggling with family, depression and has a couple of medical problems that get her down. All of these things taken into account she can't be herself the way things are I think that's another reason why I've become so distant.

I'm in a band I'm going on tour soon I can't be there as much as she needs me. I think she has to build her own life around herself and not around me or any guy. I fear she'll get into another relationship as soon as she can because she's dependent on guys to make her feel good.

She craves love and attention