[hoosiergirl65]

Been aquiantances with this man for over a year, nothing more. Last week we started texting because I told him we are going through similar situations and I needed someone to talk to. He told me he was flattered by something I said and we could both use some supportive friendship (I have "admired" him a long time). Later told me he had been "thinking" about me since we ran into each other a couple of times. Then I was flattered. Said he can't really have social life because of always having the kids (they all live with him) and their Mom only sees them when she drives from a half hour away to get them on the bus and they come first. I told him he's a great Dad to do that but he can have both, life is too short. He is 42 and I am 44. Texted at least a hundred times a day, I didn't always initiate it. He and his wife are separated he raises their kids they live with him, (her choice), and said he doesn't care if he ever sees or talks to her again. I am divorcing my husband of 24 years, should have a LONG time ago. She cheated on him, he kicked her out but is giving her an apartment, car, and phone to keep her "happy" when the divorce time comes because he is scared he will lose the kids. SO I loved texting him so much that I told him I loved him, BIG MISTAKE, but what I meant was I loved texting him everyday and just him as a person in general. I told him this in one of the texts later. Told him I had some things I wanted to say, he said OK but never even gave me an "OK" after. It is HARD to come across right while texting; he is not a phone talker. He told me I need to slow down and was pretty harsh, which I understand. I told him this came out all wrong and value his friendship and want to forget this and start all over. He said he needs time to process all this and that I freaked him out. I know we could have had a chance of more than just friends in the distant future. This "verbal mistake of mine" happened on Valentines Day. I have texted him 3 times since the 14th; one was not even related to "us" and he won't answer back or even look at me. I have to see him in public twice a week. It is killing me! He said he hardly knows me how could I say that? I said how can we get to know each other if all we do is chat? I don't want to jump into bed with him I am not anywhere near ready for that. But now he completely puts a halt to all communication. It is HARD going from something to absolutely nothing.I have messed up big time. I told him I would not cheat on my husband in a sexual way. He REALLY looks down on that because that is what happened to him. I realize now that we were cheating emotionally though. So what can I do? I really want more than friendship later on and I KNOW he did too. PLEASE HELP/SUGGEST. Thanks!

[talaniman]

Said he can't really have social life because of always having the kids (they all live with him)... I told him he's a great Dad to do that but he can have both, life is too short.

That was a contradiction, and since he didn't just come out and say anything against it, (from what you wrote.) you may be assuming he agrees.

I really want more than friendship later on and I KNOW he did too.

I see no facts to back that up but your assuming he feels as you do.

But your friends, Or were. And your still married. So until you are single, and free, and recovered, don't expect anything to come out of friendship.

I don't think you have screwed up as far as friends go, but I don't think he sees what you are seeing, and has rightfully cut contact with you.

Hey get real, you were friends, and text buddies, who ran into each other a few times a week.

I would say, and no offense, but you sure got to carried away with this one.

[Jake2008]

His reaction may have been a little different, if you were legally separated.

Because of how you described how he detested his own situation with his wife cheating, and then having another married woman who wants to cheat with him- well that's a bit much.

I think you are kidding yourself if you think that crossing that line, telling him you loved him, wasn't going to produce a strong negative reaction.

Until you are single, you are not available to any other man. Period.

[hoosiergirl65]

First, I wasn't trying to "kid" myself. I had a very emotional week and blurted it out. I wish I could take back those 3 words. But I can't.
Second, I NEVER said I wanted to cheat with him by sleeping together. And yes I am strong enough to have had a platonic relationship, I know myself better than you.I just know if it the situation was reversed and I was offended, I still wouldn't drop him like a hot potato. I would tell him that he couldn't really mean that, and I do not feel that way about him. He was flirting with me just as much as I with him, and he said he enjoyed the "attention" and would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about me since when we ran into each other a couple of times. I could have take offense to that. I did not say anything nasty, mean or hurtful. I think the least he could do is come forward and say I think we need to take a break, or even I don't think we should contact each other anymore. That would have finalized it for me. Instead he chose to take the cowardly way out and completely stop all communication with me. I was really hurt and missed his texts for a few days but now I don't care about that because I feel like I was just used and thrown out on the corner like a piece of trash. Now I'm just mad that he won't even look or talk to me at all. That's ridiculous; we're both adults that should understand that people make mistakes, which I did and tried to explain. Women react out of emotion' I'll be the first one to admit that and that is wrong. He is 42 years old and should know that by now.

[ohsohappy]

Honestly, Any guy could have acted that way, and lots of women might too. Really, If I were you, I'd be a bit annoyed by it, but I would realize that it's better just to drop it. You only talked to him for a few weeks. It was fun while it lasted, but this is NOT what you need to be focusing on. Just write it off as a friendship that didn't work out. After 44 years you should know that people come and go without warning. Get used to it. Don't be offended by something so irrelevant. Whatever happenes happens.

[hoosiergirl65]

Don't EVEN tell me after 44 years I should know about people "coming" and "going". I've lost more people than most at my age, and permanently, as in death. You're going to P*** me off REAL quick with a comment like that, you know NOTHING about me...

[ohsohappy]

Don't EVEN tell me after 44 years I should know about people "coming" and "going". I've lost more ppl than most at my age, and permanently, as in death. You're gonna P*** me off REAL quick with a comment like that, you know NOTHING about me...

My grandmother just died Saturday, I'm not being insensitive. I might not have lost as many as you but that is NOT what I was talking about. Don't get all touchy, You're right, I know NOTHING about you, but I was talking about friends, acquaintances, relationships, people that just slip in and out. I was NOT talking about death, so simmer down. And even then, it's all a part of life, you shouldn't take offense to something that's inevitable. ESPECIALLY, when you aren't even being attacked.

[talaniman]

Relax, we are merely trying to point out that there were many things that may have contributed to the downfall of this friendship.

We all know things always start so good, but can end up lousy just because as we know more about our "friend" we see things that are hard to deal with.

Lets be real, your emotional exclamation of love, wasn't followed by an explanation of what you meant, so he assumed what you meant, and reacted. Good, or bad, right or wrong, that still tells you something about him and his character, that you seem to miss in your own anger, and disappointment.

That should be a lesson to you both. But it's a red flag to me that he reacts without facts, nor bothers to get them.

Could be you are both emotional, and get so caught up in your own feelings, you miss the facts of the matter.

I really want more than friendship later on and I KNOW he did too.

Another assumption, but on your part, so you already may have had high expectations. Its hard to be friends with someone you see more from.

[J. Sparks]

It might be best to fix up your life before taking on board another relationship. You seem to react too hastily and get carried away with your emotions. You initiated the idea of becoming more close/intimate with this acquaintance not him and now you are feeling the emotions of rejection.

He said he needs time to process all this right ?
And he said to slow down
So do that ! Have patience...
Give him time like he asks and respect that.

End your marriage if it's not working for you, because you are not in the position to present yourself as such a great 'catch' at the moment, especially with his strong feelings about cheating.

Try not to over react, and get rid of any anger you may have inside.
It's OK to make mistakes, they're all just stepping stones.
We all do it, we all go through it and we all have people coming and going throughout our lives.

Love is never a mistake, so don't forget to love yourself too :)

[hoosiergirl65]

Relax, we are merely trying to point out that there were many things that may have contributed to the downfall of this friendship.

We all know things always start off so good, but can end up lousy just because as we know more about our "friend" we see things that are hard to deal with.

Lets be real, your emotional exclamation of love, wasn't followed by an explanation of what you meant, so he assumed what you meant, and reacted. Good, or bad, right or wrong, that still tells you something about him and his character, that you seem to miss in your own anger, and disappointment.

That should be a lesson to you both. But its a red flag to me that he reacts without facts, nor bothers to get them.

Could be you are both emotional, and get so caught up in your own feelings, you miss the facts of the matter.


Another assumption, but on your part, so you already may have had high expectations. Its hard to be friends with someone you see more from.

Thank you for this post. I just lost my dad on the 10th, to all of you that have responded I apologize. I overreacted. I just felt like, until now, that everone that responded said it was me that is the only problem. Everybody makes mistakes, and I felt like no one had given me that justice. You pointed out some things in this post that are shortcomings of his too, like "he reacts without facts, nor bothers to get them..." I couldn't have found a better way to word that. This whole situation is only bugging me now because I want CLOSURE, I want a response, even a bad one would be fine at this time.
Oh, but I do want to point out that my "exclamation of love" WAS very clearly followed by an explanation of what I meant a couple of days later, I wanted to process my thoughts too. And several times, without a begging tone. He is a 3rd degree blackbelt and is VERY disciplined. I can't tell you how many nights I fell asleep with my phone in hand waiting on another text, and that would just not be him, because he is a man, for one, and disciplined. He could be afraid he might lose his kids if the courts thought he was having an affair; they do tend to favor the mother no matter what, and he said that himself. I just loved his sense of humor, funny sarcasm, by watching over the past year I have noticed he is the "fun-filled" type. My husband has never been this way. He never makes any fun out of life; for him life is just a big chore, no fun can come into the picture whatsoever.
Thanks, and sorry I was so snippy. I'm really not like that; I would love to love someone and make them happy and get that in return. ;)

[ohsohappy]

We really hope you find that, everyone deserves to be with someone they love, but not everyone handles the relationships that they don't want appropriately. Just a thought. Take closure in the thought that you will be getting a divorce, and somewhere, sometime, there will be someone else there that will cause you to fall asleep with your phone in hand, AND he will be more than happy to be everything that the other men weren't. Have faith in that, keep yourself busy with friends and social events and work, Someone will come up when the time is right. :)

[hoosiergirl65]

It might be best to fix up your life before taking on board another relationship. You seem to react too hastily and get carried away with your emotions. You initiated the idea of becoming more close/intimate with this acquaintance not him and now you are feeling the emotions of rejection.

He said he needs time to process all this right ?
and he said to slow down
So do that ! Have patience...
Give him time like he asks and respect that.

End your marriage if it's not working for you, because you are not in the position to present yourself as such a great 'catch' at the moment, especially with his strong feelings about cheating.

Try not to over react, and get rid of any anger you may have inside.
It's ok to make mistakes, they're all just stepping stones.
We all do it, we all go through it and we all have people coming and going throughout our lives.

Love is never a mistake, so don't forget to love yourself too :)

I just want to clarify that no I alone did not initiate the idea of becoming more close/intimate with him, we both did. Yes, I started the big bang theory all over because I told him I loved him, but this was at the end, not the beginning, initiating is starting, or beginning... see there's a lot of stuff that he said to me to lead me on that I have missed I'm sure because I don't want to write a book :eek:

[hoosiergirl65]

We really hope you find that, everyone deserves to be with someone they love, but not everyone handles the relationships that they don't want appropriately. Just a thought. Take closure in the thought that you will be getting a divorce, and somewhere, sometime, there will be someone else there that will cause you to fall asleep with your phone in hand, AND he will be more than happy to be everything that the other men weren't. Have faith in that, keep yourself busy with friends and social events and work, Someone will come up when the time is right. :)

This is very touching, it made me cry, but that's OK because it also made me feel like am "worth" something. Thanks so much... :o

[ohsohappy]

Aww, I'm glad I could help. :)

[amicon]

Of course you are worthy of love and affection,and I'm sure once your divorce comes through,and you have healed from that wound,you will find the right partner.

Any marriage breakdown is a major hurtful experience and stressfactor,take your time to get over your failed marriage.

As for the guy you have posted about,OK,he could have come back with an explanation,but he didnt-so I think you 'forgive' yourself for your 'love text' and leave him in the past.

Take care and good luck.

[hoosiergirl65]

UPDATE: I carefully prepared a text requesting that he give me some "closure". It was nothing but platonic. He responded right away and said he is so sorry for hurting me abd leading me on but we are still married and shouldn't be texting like we were. I said you are right, and I'm sorry too. This was EXACTLY what I needed, and maybe he did too, who knows, men keep their feelings pretty private unlike us emotional women, lol! I have to say that there are times when the NC rule is not always good, and I think this is a great example. I could not stand not being on speaking terms, that's just how I am; I don't have to have my way but I don't want to let wounds fester, so to say. To suddenly be cut-off with no closure on his part was too much for me. He was very nice and I think he sincerely meant every word he said. I feel SO much better now. Some people cannot just make up their own closure and that's me. Now if he had been mean or nasty to me that would be different. But he wasn't. Thanks everyone!

[amicon]

I'm glad you're feeling better.
Good luck and take good care of yourself.