[kauaigirl11]

My fiancé and I have been together for three years. We live together, and recently he has started to express his unhappiness in bed. Specifically, he tells me I'm boring. I have tried to spice things up; I've bought sexy outfits, surprised him with things I think he will like, offered to try new toys, but he never seems enthusiastic about any of it. If it does arouse some interest, it will maybe last a day or two, and usually his reply is "yah, it was okay". I have never had a problem with any of this before him and it makes me extremely self conscious. Now when we do have sex, all I think about is how I can never do the right thing, or how I can never please him. Most recently, it has gotten so bad that he just stops in the middle of everything and won't tell me what's wrong.

It doesn't help that he is constantly badgering me to actually have sex. I don't look forward to it because I don't enjoy it. I tell myself not to worry, but I can't help it. I have asked him many times (away from the bedroom) what I can do, and what he likes, but I can never get a straight answer. It's like he expects me to somehow know what to do, or to be like some character out of a porn flick. He's very quick to comment on other "hot" girls, but I never hear him comment about me this way. I know he would never cheat on me, but sometimes I feel like he's formed this idea of what he should have in his head, and I can never live up to it.

He also lacks any initiative in the romance department. He hasn't been very sensitive to my needs at all, and I basically have to TELL him what I would like. He never takes his time, acts like it's a huge inconvenience to do anything to please me and just wants to get straight to the point. He never cares if I'm tired or stressed and actually gets pissed at me if I tell him "no". I'm finding it really hard to look forward to anything in the bedroom because I am so anxious about what will happen, not to mention that I rarely get anything out of it. It's really taken it's toll on our relationship, and we argue about the same thing constantly.

I feel like I am doing all I can to help this issue, but everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. I doubt he will be open to seeing a sex therapist. He is not a selfish person, but this problem is getting worse by the day.

[artlady]

I would tell him in no uncertain terms to hit the $hit house!

I can tell you without a doubt ,the problem lies with him and not you!

Maybe he is way into the porn and he is living in a fantasy world.

You have bent over backwards to ask him what he wants and you have done all you can do ,now I would just cut him off!

He is selfish,immature and insensitive ,screw him.

Why are you with this guy? What keeps you with him?

[Catsmine]

The Lysistrata option is available: cutting him off until your demands are met, but he may leave. It may be your only option at this point. Is he taking the relationship for granted in any other ways?

[Cat1864]

I feel like I am doing all I can to help this issue, but everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. I doubt he will be open to seeing a sex therapist. He is not a selfish person, but this problem is getting worse by the day.

He may share the toothpaste or the blankets, but this whole post is a testament to his selfishness in the bedroom.

He wants you to please him. You are not his sex slave. You are supposed to be his partner in all areas of the relationship not just where he decides to share.

I would take a long hard look at this relationship and think very carefully about how he actually treats you in other areas like when you are around friends, when you are relaxing, when you are doing chores, etc. Be honest with yourself.

[smoothy]

You chould see this as a wake up call. You can now see him for what he really is. Contrary to what you have said... everything indicates he really IS a selfish person.

If you think its bad at 3 years of shacking up together... imagine when you have been married for 10, 20 or 30 years.

I think you can do far better than this.

[Synnen]

I would lose weight, if I were you.

He weighs... what? About 200 lbs?

Throw 200 lbs to the curb, and you'll feel a LOT better about yourself.

[Gemini54]

There is NO pleasing him, is there?

He tells you you're boring and when you make an effort he won't acknowledge it. You ask him how you can be less boring, and he's at a loss to tell you.

I'd stop having sex with him. He wants it all his way, let him use his hand. I'm sure it's much less boring than you are.

However, read between the lines. This guy is actually saying he doesn't want to make an effort because, in fact, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

What other conclusion could you draw from his behavior?

[QLP]

He has put himself so far above you in this he is unaware of your needs and no matter what you do you can't satisfy him.

Sex is meant to be mutually enjoyable.

I really think there can only be hope for this relationship if you can persuade him to go to counselling with you. He needs to see sense and it wouldn't do you any harm as your self-esteem must be at rock bottom. If you make it clear the therapy is for both of you he might just consider it.

If not, I just can't see any future in this relationship.

It's only the fact that you claim he is not selfish which makes me think, if I take that at face value, that he is only selfish in terms of sex that makes me even consider that it might be worth making the effort at all. In terms of sex he is absolutely selfish. If you can't see that then maybe you aren't really seeing him clearly at all.

[kauaigirl11]

When I say he is not a selfish person, I am referring to the fact that I see how he treats others, and I admire this quality in him. However, I feel I've taken a backseat to everyone else. I'm not sure if its because I have felt increasingly insecure about myself for the past year, or the fact that he takes me for granted. I try to emphasize the fact that I bend over backwards to make him happy both in the bedroom and out, but it always seems as if he turns everything around on me.

I have recently asked him to attend therapy with me, but so far, he's said he won't go.

[QLP]

So he isn't selfish with other people but he is with you and he wants you to marry him? Sounds to me like he has a very funny idea of how to treat a wife!

If you aren't ready to give him the boot book yourself some counselling. It's just possible if he sees you going he might decide to join in after all. If not it should help you raise your self-esteem enough so that you can decide what you really want and to give you the confidence to leave if that is what you decide is best.

Please don't agree to marriage unless there is a huge and sustained change in the way he treats you. But don't just hang around forever hoping this will happen. Get that counselling booked for yourself and take it from there is my advice.

[Gemini54]

When I say he is not a selfish person, I am referring to the fact that I see how he treats others, and I admire this quality in him. However, I feel I've taken a backseat to everyone else. I'm not sure if its because I have felt increasingly insecure about myself for the past year, or the fact that he takes me for granted. I try to emphasize the fact that I bend over backwards to make him happy both in the bedroom and out, but it always seems as if he turns everything around on me.

I have recently asked him to attend therapy with me, but so far, he's said he won't go.

Have you ever read the book "Women who Love too Much"? Get a copy and take its advice. You're doing too much. He's taking you for granted. In fact, he's not taking your feelings or desires into account at all.

I would back off on trying to make him happy. It's not working anyway, so what have you got to lose?

Go to counseling on your own - it will help you make sense of things and assist you to weigh up your options.

Ask yourself if this man REALLY wants to be in a relationship with you. He doesn't behave as if he does.

[jmjoseph]

So the sex is for HIM only? He leaves you frustrated, and all worked up, so you can go "finish" yourself? And when you don't feel like being his sex toy, he makes you feel guilty? AND, he refuses to go to counseling? NO.

Never, ever, think so little of yourself as to be treated with such disregard.

If you are trying to get him to couples counseling when you are just dating, how do you think it's going to be when you're married?

The world is full of guys that know how to treat a woman. In the bedroom, and in day to day life. Love and respect go hand in hand.

This guy is all about himself.

You have to ask yourself, "do I want to be a slave to someone like him, and be made to accept the blame for whatever he does and doesn't do, and feel?"

Life is simply too short to waste it on someone like him.

Go be happy.

[450donn]

He is an inconsiderate slob. Your choices are, move out and move on or accept that he is inconsiderate and live with it.