[ImessedUp]

Cat1864 ---- He's never hit me for things like dinner not being warm enough, or too much foam with his beer. He judges me for my past. He would get angry and jealous for those I have been with before him. He's the fifth person I've been with -- him -- 20+ --- But, because he is 6 1/2 years older than me, he thinks he is justified in his actions. It's always about me - never about him. I made the mistake when we were first dating to think that making myself sound "more experienced" would make him like me more -- and instead, all it did was cause him not to respect me. I always could tell when things would get physical when the conversation would turn to my past. He's just so jealous about it..

[Cat1864]

Cat1864 ---- He's never hit me for things like dinner not being warm enough, or too much foam with his beer. He judges me for my past. He would get angry and jealous for those I have been with before him. He's the fifth person I've been with -- him -- 20+ --- But, because he is 6 1/2 years older than me, he thinks he is justified in his actions. It's always about me - never about him. I made the mistake when we were first dating to think that making myself sound "more experienced" would make him like me more -- and instead, all it did was cause him not to respect me. I always could tell when things would get physical when the conversation would turn to my past. He's just so jealous about it..

The problem is that you seem to think he is justified in even raising a hand to you. He isn't. NO MAN IS.

He has no right to punish you for your past or lack of it. He doesn't respect you. He has convinced you not to respect yourself.

You need to get counseling.

[Catsmine]

Is this for real or are you fleshing out the next script for Law & Order: SVU?

Veteran, PTSD, Pro boxer, cheating girlfriend, pregnant, hits to the belly, this ought to win an Emmy.

If you're serious about this situation, you need to be in Ohio or Kansas by Monday morning. Run far and fast or DIE, that's your choice.

[ImessedUp]

I don't know if I'm pregnant... I won't know until Monday... first test was negative... I'm just late.. It said to wait three days to test again

[sully123]

What are you doing ImessedUp? You continue to make the same mistakes, possibly again. Sorry, I don't have any sympathy for you. Stop making excuses for an abusive man. You need to get professional help, before you are dead. Or do you think that can't happen to you?

[ImessedUp]

I think he has more self control than that... Back in December he ended up getting arrested because of something he did to me. I called because I was scared -- just said that he was being mean and wanted him to leave, the cops didn't buy that -- and took him anyway. I lied in court. He didn't end up in jail or anything ---- has to take domestic abuse classes every week... I think they're helping...

[ImessedUp]

He wouldn't kill me. He loves me. Before he found out that I cheated, he hadn't put a hand on me since July. I know that's not that long, but it was a step in the right direction... since the first time that he did it we never went two weeks without SOMETHING happening. That's why I feel this is my fault this time. I gave him something HUGE to be mad about, and he warned me... I feel responsible.

[amicon]

The person who s at the receiving end of domestic abuse starts to lose their selfesteem and begin to think it's their fault.
He HITS you-you need to leave him.
He wouldn't kill you because he loves you-if he loved you he wouldn't hit you.
And you stood up in court and lied for him? You really need to get out get counselling and reclaim your life-we re all of us here saying the same thing.
Please listen to us.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

Cat1864 ---- He's never hit me for things like dinner not being warm enough, or too much foam with his beer. He judges me for my past. He would get angry and jealous for those I have been with before him. He's the fifth person I've been with -- him -- 20+ --- But, because he is 6 1/2 years older than me, he thinks he is justified in his actions. It's always about me - never about him. I made the mistake when we were first dating to think that making myself sound "more experienced" would make him like me more -- and instead, all it did was cause him not to respect me. I always could tell when things would get physical when the conversation would turn to my past. He's just so jealous about it..

I really hope that you take this in the spirit of constructive criticism: You're being brain washed. Look at your screen name, "I messed up". He's the weasel that thinks that he can prove his manliness by beating his girlfriend. A real man sits down with the woman he loves and talks to her with respect and care. He's making you think its your fault. That's weak. If he cannot handle your past, then maybe he needs to date another girl (maybe a virgin), maybe someone that beats HIM. You need to move on, this relationship is toxic. You are defending his actions because he has taught you to, he has made you think its your fault. It's not your fault, he's weak, he doesn't deserve you. He WILL become worse, it will NOT get better. Get out while you still can. Please.

[sully123]

I really hope that you take this in the spirit of constructive criticism: You're being brain washed. Look at your screen name, "I messed up". He's the weasel that thinks that he can prove his manliness by beating his girlfriend. A real man sits down with the woman he loves and talks to her with respect and care. He's making you think its your fault. That's weak. If he cannot handle your past, then maybe he needs to date another girl (maybe a virgin), maybe someone that beats HIM. You need to move on, this relationship is toxic. You are defending his actions because he has taught you to, he has made you think its your fault. It's not your fault, he's weak, he doesn't deserve you. He WILL become worse, it will NOT get better. Get out while you still can. Please.

Well said, I agree.

[justcurious55]

I give up. You refuse to take advice. You continue to defend him. You continue to justify his actions. You continue to make excuses for him. Countless women before you have sat there insisting that their man was going to change, that he would never kill them. You know how we all know that? They make movies, the do documentaries, the write books about those women after they'e been murdered by that same man they defended. So if you want to be stupid and refuse good advice being given to you, and bring a child into this world with this jerk. Fine. That's your choice. But I for one can sit here and listen to anymore. I just hope the next time I go on cnn there's not a story about the woman in chicago who's body they found in the dumpster with her unborn child dead inside her and her pro-boxer boyfriend being the number one suspect.

[Catsmine]

Rest in Peace

[artlady]

I don't know if I'm pregnant... I wont know until Monday... first test was negative.... I'm just late.. It said to wait three days to test again

If he is a boxer his hands are considered lethal weapons.
If he puts his hands on you that is attempted murder.
Did you know that ?Its true.
RUN from this no good man before he kills you!
I nearly died at the hands of my abuser who I always went back to.
He went to jail and classes and he just never stopped.
One day I was lying on the floor,after a punch and I looked in my sons terrorized eyes and I had my moment when I said ENOUGH!
Everyone here is trying to spare you that moment!

[Homegirl 50]

He wouldn't kill me. He loves me. Before he found out that I cheated, he hadn't put a hand on me since July. I know that's not that long, but it was a step in the right direction... since the first time that he did it we never went two weeks without SOMETHING happening. That's why I feel this is my fault this time. I gave him something HUGE to be mad about, and he warned me... I feel responsible.

Girl, if he loved you he would not hit you. All he has to do is hit you in just the right spot with the right pressure and you're dead.
Stop excusing his behavior. The man is an abuser Period!

[ImessedUp]

I guess I was just looking for advice on what I need to do because I cheated. I did that. I was wrong with that. Hence the "I messed up". I know what he has done is wrong. Maybe it has yet to click just how bad the situation is, because I'd prefer to forget about it rather than stay mad and have to think about it. He really was getting better... I could tell, it was really helping... really..

[morgaine300]

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I know all these people are getting a lot of bloody walls from smacking their heads against it and don't know what else to say to you. I don't know what miraculous thing I can say that will make you feel any differently, but I can't leave here knowing I didn't try.

I'm trying to remember that you have a side in this, which is different from the rest of us looking on the outside, and I realize that your side is very important, because that's what you believe and feel at the moment.

I'm looking at statements like this:

I don't want to make things worse, and I'm not strong enough to write him off completely. I can't make this decision unless I'm ready, and at this point -- I'm too caught up in it. I too badly want to be with him still. I can't help that...

I can feel for you. I know you can't help how you feel - we simply feel what we feel and it doesn't matter what other people tell us. And it's obvious you're not ready to face this.

But you know, the fact that you posted those words tells me that something inside you knows what you need to do. But you care about him too much, are probably in love with him (or think you are), are not ready to give him up... and because you don't want to give him up, you want to believe everything you are saying.

But you aren't saying anything any different than has come out of thousands of abused women's mouths a billion times. Somehow you think he's different than the typical abuser, or that you're different than the typical abused woman.

But neither of those are true. All of your words have been said by numerous abused women who have come before you, and they believed it too. They weren't ready either.

They also all believed that they deserved it. Most, if not all, abused women believe they deserve it. They have to, or they would put a stop to it by leaving before it gets out of hand. And they always believe the guy can change. There isn't anything special or different about anything you are saying.

Yup, it was wrong to cheat on him. You deserve for him to break up with you. You deserve for him to be angry. You deserve for him to yell at you. You deserve for him to be hurt and never want to see you again. You deserve for him to find it difficult to trust you.

However, you also made a mistake because you are a human being who is not perfect. We absolutely do not deserve to be beaten for making mistakes! Even a bad mistake like cheating!

The cheating is irrelevant. Men aren't abusers because their woman is a cheater. Men are abusers because they are abusers. Just like child molesters don't molest some child because the child is standing around looking too cute and tempting. They're just child molesters cause they're sick. And abusive men are just abusive men. They don't need a reason, and you don't need to do anything to get abused. You only need to exist. As long as you exist, you will be abused.

he warned me yesterday too - that's why I feel like I somewhat deserved it

If he had warned you that he was going to murder you, do you think you deserved it just cause he warned you ahead of time? Listen to yourself.

I've let him get away with all of it for a very long time

Listen to that one too: you "let him get away with it...." That's why he continues to do it, and why he'll keep on doing it. But that little statement also says a lot. That statement "let him get away with it" is implying that you understand what he's doing isn't right.

I don't see much of it. But I'm seeing little statements from you here and there that you do actually realize that this is wrong, somewhere deep down inside you. You have to find that within yourself.

He wouldn't kill me. He loves me.

Yes, and there's some dead women out there who also believed this. It isn't about whether he loves you or not. Abusers can love people just like everyone else does. But it's a selfish love and isn't the right kind. He's still an abuser.

And it's an important note that he'll abuse any woman he's with. Do those other women he'll abuse deserve it too? If you saw it happen to them, I don't believe you'd think they deserved it. I think you'd be able to see if from the outside like we do and know it was wrong. But that is why it isn't your fault and why you don't deserve it.

Because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He would abuse ME too! He would abuse ANY of the women on here. Do I deserve it? Do they deserve it? NO! And you are no different from us, except for not being able to see past your feelings right now. And no, he's not getting better. He may be able to control himself for a while, but it's still there. It'll come out again. He may even control it for a couple of years, and then just when you aren't expecting it...

It's already been said a trillion times, but needs repeating. He's helped you believe that you deserve it somehow. I suspect you already had low self esteem, or you probably would never have been in this kind of relationship. So it's easy for someone else to cut you down and kick you (both literally and figuratively), and make yourself esteem drop 10 notches. And that's what he's done to you.

But you don't have to let him. The problem is that none of us can help you find yourself esteem, at least not in just this little time on a forum. That is going to take some time and work. And don't except it to be easy. Don't expect leaving him to be easy. And I do believe you that you aren't ready.

Which is why you need to contact someone to work with, so that they can help you to become ready. I suspect you're afraid to talk to someone, because you're afraid they'll lead you to leaving him. But I think the very fact that you posted says that you know all that, deep down inside you somewhere. You think you're posting about how to deal with the fact that you cheated on him. But you could have done that without mentioning that he was hitting you. I think you mentioned it on purpose.

Because something inside you knows. I hope you can find that part of yourself and bring it the surface.

I know this is terribly long, but one last note. I was having a sort of "relationship" with a person once who had not beat anyone that I'm aware, but he had this personality... let's just say I think he had the potential to become an abuser. ONE TIME he pushed me when he got ticked, which sent me flying into an office chair (this happened at work), which sent me sprawling to the floor with the chair on top of me. I didn't really get hurt except for a couple of bruises. And yeah, he scared the living daylights out of me so I just backed off and let him go cool off.

I also never spoke to him again, over that one "little" incidence. Why? Cause I already have more self esteem in my pinky than you have in your whole body. And I know that I didn't deserve him treating me like that. And he didn't even do that much... but it was a sign of where things could go and his lack of respect for me. He also had a lack of respect for himself, because that behavior was how he thought he needed to prove his manhood.

Somewhere you have to find for yourself that you are worth every inch the same amount that I already know that I am worth. Faults and all.

[ImessedUp]

Morgaine 300 -- is there any way to private chat? Like AIM or something? -- or does this website offer it?

[Gemini54]

The best advice has already been given. You say you're not ready to break it off yet because he's getting better.

When will you be ready? When he punches you in the face? When he breaks your jaw? When he kicks you in the stomach and you're carrying a child? When you have to face the world with a black eye and a broken nose? When your children have to watch him hitting you whilst they are cowering in a corner?

Artlady said it very well, as have all the others:

It will happen again and it will be worse. It does not mean he loves you.
Abuse is not love.

There is a reason why everyone is saying the same thing:

Because there can be no winners in an abusive relationship.
Because it is dangerous to your emotional, spiritual and physical well-being.
Because it is degrading and demeaning.
Because in the end abusers don't change unless they get serious help.

And lastly, we are all saying the same thing because we care and because we genuinely believe you deserve better.

[morgaine300]

You can PM me if you like.

[artlady]

I'm not ready to give up just yet. I know all these people are getting a lot of bloody walls from smacking their heads against it and don't know what else to say to you. I don't know what miraculous thing I can say that will make you feel any differently, but I can't leave here knowing I didn't try.

I'm trying to remember that you have a side in this, which is different from the rest of us looking on the outside, and I realize that your side is very important, because that's what you believe and feel at the moment.

I'm looking at statements like this:

I can feel for you. I know you can't help how you feel - we simply feel what we feel and it doesn't matter what other people tell us. And it's obvious you're not ready to face this.

But you know, the fact that you posted those words tells me that something inside you knows what you need to do. But you care about him too much, are probably in love with him (or think you are), are not ready to give him up... and because you don't want to give him up, you want to believe everything you are saying.

But you aren't saying anything any different than has come out of thousands of abused women's mouths a billion times. Somehow you think he's different than the typical abuser, or that you're different than the typical abused woman.

But neither of those are true. All of your words have been said by numerous abused women who have come before you, and they believed it too. They weren't ready either.

They also all believed that they deserved it. Most, if not all, abused women believe they deserve it. They have to, or they would put a stop to it by leaving before it gets out of hand. And they always believe the guy can change. There isn't anything special or different about anything you are saying.

Yup, it was wrong to cheat on him. You deserve for him to break up with you. You deserve for him to be angry. You deserve for him to yell at you. You deserve for him to be hurt and never want to see you again. You deserve for him to find it difficult to trust you.

However, you also made a mistake because you are a human being who is not perfect. We absolutely do not deserve to be beaten for making mistakes! Even a bad mistake like cheating!

The cheating is irrelevant. Men aren't abusers because their woman is a cheater. Men are abusers because they are abusers. Just like child molesters don't molest some child because the child is standing around looking too cute and tempting. They're just child molesters cause they're sick. And abusive men are just abusive men. They don't need a reason, and you don't need to do anything to get abused. You only need to exist. As long as you exist, you will be abused.



If he had warned you that he was going to murder you, do you think you deserved it just cause he warned you ahead of time? Listen to yourself.



Listen to that one too: you "let him get away with it...." That's why he continues to do it, and why he'll keep on doing it. But that little statement also says a lot. That statement "let him get away with it" is implying that you understand what he's doing isn't right.

I don't see much of it. But I'm seeing little statements from you here and there that you do actually realize that this is wrong, somewhere deep down inside you. You have to find that within yourself.



Yes, and there's some dead women out there who also believed this. It isn't about whether he loves you or not. Abusers can love people just like everyone else does. But it's a selfish love and isn't the right kind. He's still an abuser.

And it's an important note that he'll abuse any woman he's with. Do those other women he'll abuse deserve it too? If you saw it happen to them, I don't believe you'd think they deserved it. I think you'd be able to see if from the outside like we do and know it was wrong. But that is why it isn't your fault and why you don't deserve it.

Because IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. He would abuse ME too! He would abuse ANY of the women on here. Do I deserve it? Do they deserve it? NO!! And you are no different from us, except for not being able to see past your feelings right now. And no, he's not getting better. He may be able to control himself for a while, but it's still there. It'll come out again. He may even control it for a couple of years, and then just when you aren't expecting it...

It's already been said a trillion times, but needs repeating. He's helped you believe that you deserve it somehow. I suspect you already had low self esteem, or you probably would never have been in this kind of relationship. So it's easy for someone else to cut you down and kick you (both literally and figuratively), and make your self esteem drop 10 notches. And that's what he's done to you.

But you don't have to let him. The problem is that none of us can help you find your self esteem, at least not in just this little time on a forum. That is going to take some time and work. And don't except it to be easy. Don't expect leaving him to be easy. And I do believe you that you aren't ready.

Which is why you need to contact someone to work with, so that they can help you to become ready. I suspect you're afraid to talk to someone, because you're afraid they'll lead you to leaving him. But I think the very fact that you posted says that you know all that, deep down inside you somewhere. You think you're posting about how to deal with the fact that you cheated on him. But you could have done that without mentioning that he was hitting you. I think you mentioned it on purpose.

Because something inside you knows. I hope you can find that part of yourself and bring it the surface.

I know this is terribly long, but one last note. I was having a sort of "relationship" with a person once who had not beat anyone that I'm aware, but he had this personality... let's just say I think he had the potential to become an abuser. ONE TIME he pushed me when he got ticked, which sent me flying into an office chair (this happened at work), which sent me sprawling to the floor with the chair on top of me. I didn't really get hurt except for a couple of bruises. And yeah, he scared the living daylights out of me so I just backed off and let him go cool off.

I also never spoke to him again, over that one "little" incidence. Why? Cause I already have more self esteem in my pinky than you have in your whole body. And I know that I didn't deserve him treating me like that. And he didn't even do that much... but it was a sign of where things could go and his lack of respect for me. He also had a lack of respect for himself, because that behavior was how he thought he needed to prove his manhood.

Somewhere you have to find for yourself that you are worth every inch the same amount that I already know that I am worth. Faults and all.

You said it all here.I tolerated this for thirteen years on and off. I am smart I have self esteem but I could not let go because he had a hold on me.
He broke my arm ,my jaw ,my leg ,gave me a concussion,tore the ligaments in my knee,broke my ribs,raped me.Those were just the times that were documented ,There were so many times I just suffered and never even went to a hospital.

Why? That took therapy.

Messed up childhood? Yeah,but I came from a home where I was rich and privileged.Still messed up.No parents around.Too busy with big shots like the Kennedy's and the Humphreys.

We all have our crosses to bear and I beg this girl to hear you.

You have to understand that it is not easy for an woman to leave her abuser.

I loved him and when he was not an abuser ,he was great.I needed to feel loved.(huh)
I believed that I could really change him with my love .(huh)

Eventually he degraded me so much I forgot who I was and didn't care anymore.

Hes dead ,he died a lonely drunk,at a young age. I pray his soul to peace every night..

I have been in a 12 yr.relationship and life can go on and there is real love.And happiness.

I am blessed! I know she can be too.